I'm frustrated because I can't pinpoint how I'm feeling

[Kamille]

You seem to be truth oriented. You believe that the friend's comment about cross-fit is factual because you yourself have observed that it has become a priority for your partner. Maybe you miss her and wish you had more time with her. SAY THAT. Don't act like there's something inherently wrong with her being into cross-fit. You could also foster intimacy by supporting her passion for cross-fit instead of focusing on the impact it has on her availalbility. 

My partner is an athlete and yes that means we organize our schedule based on his training and races. I love how happy it makes him.

You've now named three scenarios: the booster, the cabinets, cross-fit. What seems to be consistently missing from your end of things: 1) the ability to state your feelings 2) support for her choices and actions. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Kamille

[ItsTheDay]

3 minutes ago, Kamille said:

You seem to be truth oriented. You believe that the friend's comment about cross-fit is factual because you yourself have observed that it has become a priority for your partner. Maybe you miss her and wish you had more time with her. SAY THAT. Don't act like there's something inherently wrong with her being into cross-fit. You could also foster intimacy by supporting her passion for cross-fit instead of focusing on the impact it has on her availalbility. 

My partner is an athlete and yes that means we organize our schedule based on his training and races. I love how happy it makes him.

You've now named three scenarios: the booster, the cabinets, cross-fit. What seems to be consistently missing from your end of things: 1) the ability to state your feelings 2) support for her choices and actions. 

That was very thoughtful, thanks. You're right, I am a truth oriented kind of person. I'm a facts and specs person rather than words, if that makes any sense. 

Look, I don't know how else to say this. I really wish I could support her with her crossfit choice. It's just really hard to. When she first joined, I was happy for her but that changed very quick for me. When she got invited with the "cool group", everything completely changed and it changed quick. When I did my first bodybuilding contest, this was during the time her and I both went to the gym together, she supported me through that journey. I went into this contest with a mission and set goal, she went into crossfit to try it out and to build her friends network. her actions with crossfit pushed her away from me, it's hard to support that. It's also pushing her away from her best friend. When her and I use to workout together (not so much together all the time, but at the same gym) she always mentioned that she wanted to compete in bikini, and I always told her to go for it but she never did. I asked her a while ago, what her goal/goals are with crossfit. She said none really, just to have fun. Nothing wrong with that at all, and I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with that. She even admitted that she knows she's put on unhealthy weight since she started crossfit, she doesn't want to admit why that is but I'm pretty sure she knows. So at times I have to keep my mouth shut when she complains how unhappy she is with her body now because if I express my feelings, I'm attacking her and judging her even know it's facts.

Your partner sounds like a competitive athlete, I'm assuming so since they are entering races. I wouldn't necessarily consider her a crossfit athlete, she doesn't compete in it and she is mainly drawn to it because of the social side. Two to three nights a week they all go out to a bar after their class.  

It's also hard to support her because she is literally tearing down her body. She didn't go to her class last night and not going tonight because she messed her shoulder up, again. She got a CT scan a couple weeks ago on her knee, she has knee effusion. Same knee she had surgery on a few years ago and they recommended surgery again. She opted out and is going to "take it easy" for a while. 

I can't lie to myself and support something that I don't support.     

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

I can't lie to myself and support something that I don't support. 

Exactly.

It's no wonder you can't pinpoint how you're feeling because you are so wrapped up in her and her choices.

Do you consider yourself to be confident? I ask because it would seem to me you would have her back, even if you disagreed with her or her choices. There is nothing to feel possessive or frustrated about. Is it not possible for you to learn to shift your perspective so that problems become opportunities? 

Your focus seems to be all about finding solutions for her.

At this rate, you are living a lie-which you alluded to.

Like you are being dishonest by acting in a way that is in contradiction with what your instincts tell you to do.

Knowing when to step up and be a supportive partner also means knowing when to step back and let them figure things out for themselves.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said:

I can't lie to myself and support something that I don't support.     

You don't have to like or support her choices. All you need to do is stay in your own lane and respect her choices. It's her life.

 Keep in mind you broke up a while ago and moved out. So this attempt to reconcile is just causing friction.

 Make sure you're not in a place worse than the friendzone. That would be buzzing around in the nowhere-zone resenting each other.

Edited March 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ItsTheDay]

30 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Exactly.

It's no wonder you can't pinpoint how you're feeling because you are so wrapped up in her and her choices.

Do you consider yourself to be confident? I ask because it would seem to me you would have her back, even if you disagreed with her or her choices. There is nothing to feel possessive or frustrated about. Is it not possible for you to learn to shift your perspective so that problems become opportunities? 

Your focus seems to be all about finding solutions for her.

At this rate, you are living a lie-which you alluded to.

Like you are being dishonest by acting in a way that is in contradiction with what your instincts tell you to do.

Knowing when to step up and be a supportive partner also means knowing when to step back and let them figure things out for themselves.

 

I have my days of being confident, I'm not a douche when it comes to that. I'm really unsure how I can sift my perspective so that these problems can become opportunities. Opportunities in what way exactly?

I don't think I'm being dishonest, I'm just holding back. Think of it this way...

I walk a trail everyday to get from point A to point B, and in this trail there are multiple lanes that gets from point A to point B but I always pick the the lane that is the worse. It's overgrown, trash everywhere and broke glass. Every time I was the lane I get messed up and it slows me down. Sometimes I have to visit doctors because of this lane I pick and I complain to you how I'm tired of always getting injured. I'm only assuming this by common sense, but I'd imagine you would tell me something along the lines of walk another lane, right? Let's assume this and say you do tell me that. I get defensive towards you and feel judged because I pick this horrible lane to walk. It's not too difficult for me to figure out on my own that I can walk down any other lane and be fine. You know this, too. What do you do? Me, I just came to ignore it but still don't know why she still complains about this to me.      

[ItsTheDay]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Make sure you're not in a place worse than the friendzone. That would be buzzing around in the nowhere-zone resenting each other.

Not sure which zone I am in. We talked about this not too long ago and she said "we're obviously more than just friends", but this is before we decided to chill out with the cuddling and kissing. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said:

I have my days of being confident, I'm not a douche when it comes to that. I'm really unsure how I can sift my perspective so that these problems can become opportunities. Opportunities in what way exactly?

I don't think I'm being dishonest, I'm just holding back. Think of it this way...

I walk a trail everyday to get from point A to point B, and in this trail there are multiple lanes that gets from point A to point B but I always pick the the lane that is the worse. It's overgrown, trash everywhere and broke glass. Every time I was the lane I get messed up and it slows me down. Sometimes I have to visit doctors because of this lane I pick and I complain to you how I'm tired of always getting injured. I'm only assuming this by common sense, but I'd imagine you would tell me something along the lines of walk another lane, right? Let's assume this and say you do tell me that. I get defensive towards you and feel judged because I pick this horrible lane to walk. It's not too difficult for me to figure out on my own that I can walk down any other lane and be fine. You know this, too. What do you do? Me, I just came to ignore it but still don't know why she still complains about this to me.      

What if you expressed that you're not the solution to her problems and for her to not be so complainy?

What do you think she would do in this situation.

When she doesn't see anything wrong with her perspective or doesn't care to change it, it's hard to help her.

Even if you tell her how uncomfortable it is when she does it and she continues to do it, you have to decide at some point whether you want to be paired with such a personality.

Try not to judge whether her "issue" (whatever it may be) deserves validation, but rather if she merits it. Does she deserve to feel heard and understood? Or would you like her to feel that way? It makes sense that you would answer "yes" because you love her. 

There is a beautiful (and tricky) thing about validation: It's about people, not problems. 

At the end of the day, you are the one who knows her best, so you will be able to tell if the things she's upset about are important in her life and you are overreacting, or if she's just complaining about too much ice in her cup and your desire to not hear it is appropriately placed.

Edited March 18, 2022 by Alpaca

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said:

I have my days of being confident, I'm not a douche when it comes to that. I'm really unsure how I can sift my perspective so that these problems can become opportunities. Opportunities in what way exactly?

I don't think I'm being dishonest, I'm just holding back. Think of it this way...

I walk a trail everyday to get from point A to point B, and in this trail there are multiple lanes that gets from point A to point B but I always pick the the lane that is the worse. It's overgrown, trash everywhere and broke glass. Every time I was the lane I get messed up and it slows me down. Sometimes I have to visit doctors because of this lane I pick and I complain to you how I'm tired of always getting injured. I'm only assuming this by common sense, but I'd imagine you would tell me something along the lines of walk another lane, right? Let's assume this and say you do tell me that. I get defensive towards you and feel judged because I pick this horrible lane to walk. It's not too difficult for me to figure out on my own that I can walk down any other lane and be fine. You know this, too. What do you do? Me, I just came to ignore it but still don't know why she still complains about this to me.      

this is not entirely dissimilar to the situation of you describing the pitfalls and tribulations of dealing with this woman every day and how you don't approve of her actions.

in much the same way you tell us how the path you are on is stressful and tense, and you don't know how to feel about this path or where it is leading, and we tell you "get off this path and try a different one" but you stubbornly stay on this same path.

for us giving you our input and opinion on the path you are walking, and you refusing to see it is anecdotally similar to you giving your opinion to her and how she refuses to see it as a problem.

[spiderowl]

People grow and change.  She thought one way at first, when she felt she was being coerced into having the vaccine, and then later for whatever reason she changed her mind.  She expects support and understanding from her partner, not judgement and criticism.  

I get the feeling that you take things very literally and find it hard to cope with the flexibility needed for a relationship.  Relationships evolve, people grow, mature, their priorities change.  A suitable response might have been to ask her if she felt ok about the vaccine now, rather than judging her as being immoral and easily bribed.

I can understand that the crossfit takes her away from you and that that is hard.  It is a threat to you in a sense because you want her to spend time and energy with you, not building this 'other life'.  I think anyone would feel that way but most have to control such feelings in order to let the other person fulfil themselves.  However, if what she is doing is building a life away from you and you sense that this means the end of the relationship, then that is a different situation.  Only you know in your heart what is happening and whether it is best to leave and find a more secure relationship.

With regards to flexibility, I think it would help if you could build on this in any relationship.  People do change their minds.  One year I didn't want children, two years later I did.  If you cannot cope with people growing and changing, you will struggle with any relationship.  You may well change your mind about something - how would you want your partner to react to that?  Kindly or with questions and judgement?  You seem to feel she is tricking you with her behaviour, saying one thing and then doing something else.  You need to allow for her to change her mind or not be so rigid about it.  If she wants to do a competition in a bikini one day, then it is no big problem if she changes her mind later.  You can encourage her to do what she wants and then encourage her when she has a new perspective on it, unless it is a big issue on which you cannot compromise.

Whether the relationship will last is another matter.  She is already struggling with your inflexibility and you are struggling with her not paying attention to you.  I don't blame you if you are feeling neglected.  It would be appropriate to spend less time with her as she is so busy with others.  I think you could possibly retrieve things if you are able to become more flexible and not jump on everything she changes, but maybe you would be happier with someone who has fixed habits and thinks more like you?  It is hard to retrieve a relationship that was already going wrong and you may be better off weaning yourself off her rather than trying to retrieve this relationship.

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by spiderowl

[ItsTheDay]

Just to give somewhat of an update, her and I are done. We were pretty distant the last two weeks or so and she would make some pretty lazy reasons to reach out to me during that time. Last Thursday she texted me saying she may be available either Saturday or Sunday evening depending on her plans and would like to get together, I just said well let me know when you know for sure. She then texted me Saturday morning saying she would like to get together Sunday evening and she's been doing a lot of thinking.

So I go over her house, she talks and it just didn't make sense to me at all. Almost as if she was trying to manipulate me and give me the impression that I have a lot to prove to her if I want this relationship to work, she then said she doesn't know if she wants a relationship with me because of two things in the past that caused damage. She brought up this whole CrossFit thing and how I don't like it, and how I didn't like sleeping in separate rooms. I told her she's simplifying everything without the facts and let me remind you. For two years I was sleeping in the basement on an air mattress while she was sleeping in this nice expensive bed that we both picked out, in an actual bedroom that I worked on for the both of us. We turned the other two bedrooms into her office and her hobby room. She didn't have much to say to that, almost like she forgot. 

CrossFit, she got real defensive over this. I told her she is the reason why I don't like CrossFit, she said "why, because I like it". I said no, because you didn't know how to balance it. I had to remind her again, she stays late after her class and comes home late. She brings CrossFit home with her, group chats with the people in her class when she gets home until she's tired and upstairs she goes to bed and downstairs I go. Reminded her that last Easter my mother even had to tell her to get off her phone and spend time with the family, but she didn't and just said "sorry, I'm in a group chat".  I reminded her that she neglected me, I have nothing to prove if I want this relationship to work. All she said was that "you deserve better and you need to forget about me". So I left and didn't hear from her until Monday afternoon. All she texted me was "I know it doesn't mean much because I missed my chance to tell you in person but I realize you were neglected and I can understand how you feel".    

 

 

 

Edited April 13, 2022 by ItsTheDay

[glows]

Will you respond to the Monday text? It feels like deja vu. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

Just to give somewhat of an update, her and I are done. didn't hear from her until Monday afternoon. All she texted me was "I know it doesn't mean much because I missed my chance to tell you in person but I realize you were neglected and I can understand how you feel".    

Sorry this is happening. Lots of rehashing everything. Are you really "done" or just in another on/off period?

[ItsTheDay]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Will you respond to the Monday text? It feels like deja vu. 

I did but didn't comment on what she said. It was just about the dogs.

 

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Lots of rehashing everything. Are you really "done" or just in another on/off period?

It's really done, I'm making sure of it. I deleted every photo and video of her/us. It was over 800 and also deleted our whole text convo that has been saved since 2013. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by ItsTheDay

[glows]

1 minute ago, ItsTheDay said:

I did but didn't comment on what she said. It was just about the dogs.

 

It's really done, I'm making sure of it. I deleted every photo and video of her/us. It was over 800 and also deleted our whole text convo that has been saved since 2013. 

That's good. What's happening with the dogs?

[ItsTheDay]

1 minute ago, glows said:

That's good. What's happening with the dogs?

Just making sure I can still get my dog on weekends and take him hiking. I know I should cut ties and just let him be, but I can't. 

[glows]

20 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

Just making sure I can still get my dog on weekends and take him hiking. I know I should cut ties and just let him be, but I can't. 

Letting go of a pet is hard but you know this keeps you tied to her. Where does she have time to care for a dog with her ongoings? 

[ItsTheDay]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Letting go of a pet is hard but you know this keeps you tied to her. Where does she have time to care for a dog with her ongoings? 

She/we have two dogs. One dog she had coming into the relationship and the other dog we both got a couple years into the relationship., I found him on a rescue site and did all the work in getting him. She works from home, so she's with them during the day. On the weekends, if she goes to class it's usually in the morning/late mornings. If she's going out on the weekends, it's usually around 8pm to 2am or later. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by ItsTheDay

[glows]

1 minute ago, ItsTheDay said:

She/we have two dogs. One dog she had coming into the relationship and the other dog we both got a couple years into the relationship. She works from home, so she's with them during the day. On the weekends, if she goes to class it's usually in the morning/late mornings. If she's going out on the weekends, it's usually around 8pm to 2am or later. 

Eventually you'll have to let go. It's preventing you from moving on like so much of whatever is going on with her and what she's about. This has been a dark cloud for so long. I'm not sure why you can't take the dog from the relationship unless it's difficult to look after it while you're at work.

[ItsTheDay]

Just now, glows said:

Eventually you'll have to let go. It's preventing you from moving on like so much of whatever is going on with her and what she's about. This has been a dark cloud for so long. I'm not sure why you can't take the dog from the relationship unless it's difficult to look after it while you're at work.

I'm currently renting a room at a friends house, and during the week he is in better care at her house. I'm still working on getting my own place but easier said than done. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, ItsTheDay said:

I'm currently renting a room at a friends house, and during the week he is in better care at her house. I'm still working on getting my own place but easier said than done. 

Is working a second or third job and option? You won't have time to think about her or anything else working and getting back on your feet. I worked three jobs at one point in my youth to pay down bills and avoid having roommates. One step at a time but I wouldn't consider seeing the dogs an option if you can be doing other things to get back on track.

[ItsTheDay]

Just now, glows said:

Is working a second or third job and option? You won't have time to think about her or anything else working and getting back on your feet. I worked three jobs at one point in my youth to pay down bills and avoid having roommates. One step at a time but I wouldn't consider seeing the dogs an option if you can be doing other things to get back on track.

It is, but I talked to my employer and they have a plan for me so I won't have time for a second job with the classes and studying.  

[glows]

2 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

It is, but I talked to my employer and they have a plan for me so I won't have time for a second job with the classes and studying.  

The pay off seems far off. I wouldn't wait and plan something on the side without conflict of interest. Don't hold yourself back. 

[ItsTheDay]

Just now, glows said:

The pay off seems far off. I wouldn't wait and plan something on the side without conflict of interest. Don't hold yourself back. 

Not too sure what you mean by that. My employer has a plan for me but they want me to get certified, so they are paying for the classes and courses for me to take.  

[glows]

4 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

Not too sure what you mean by that. My employer has a plan for me but they want me to get certified, so they are paying for the classes and courses for me to take.  

When does this translate to a raise big enough that you can move to your own place? It may depend on how long the program takes or how long it takes to finish and be certified. It's generous of them to pay for your classes. If you truly want your independence, I'm sure you'll find a way to do that studying or not studying. I wouldn't spend time with the dogs but that's just me. I'd use all my thought and focus to get out of the present situation and find a way to move on - mentally and emotionally. 

The upside is that the classes will provide you some mental stimulation and keep you busy while you're not working. I just wouldn't wait to be finished with a program to get my own place.

[ItsTheDay]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

When does this translate to a raise big enough that you can move to your own place? It may depend on how long the program takes or how long it takes to finish and be certified. It's generous of them to pay for your classes. If you truly want your independence, I'm sure you'll find a way to do that studying or not studying. I wouldn't spend time with the dogs but that's just me. I'd use all my thought and focus to get out of the present situation and find a way to move on - mentally and emotionally. 

The upside is that the classes will provide you some mental stimulation and keep you busy while you're not working. I just wouldn't wait to be finished with a program to get my own place.

The program can be 6 to 12 months, depending on when I feel ready. I work for a privately own company and the owner himself told me he wants me to stay and make a good living with the company. I'm confident the raise will come the day of me being certified.