Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 4 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: explained where it came from and how it made me feel. That's not an apology, that's digging your heels in and right-fighting. Maybe rethink the relationship. It's been conflicted all along. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Although it may not have been one of the best comments to make, I understand your frustration and how taken aback you must have been. What is it about the vaccine though that is such a source of contention between you two?
basil67 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: She already mentioned what changed her mind, and it was the 50 bucks..... Well if that's the case, your comment was completely unwarranted. You were just being offensive because you could 8 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: Let's say you had valid reasons to be against something, let's just use meat as an example. You're against meat because of whatever reasons. You bring someone else in it and tell them your view on the situation, you show deep emotions over it and said person gets emotionally invested and supports you with your decisions. Then out of the blue "I'm going to eat a steak because I can get 50 bucks" Everyone has a right to change their mind on any topic. Edited March 16, 2022 by basil67 5
FMW Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 I don't think this was just about your comment about the $50. Regardless of which side someone comes down on on the topic of vaccines or the "integrity" of accepting money to get one, this situation is about your communication with and attitudes toward each other. I suspect you're just not compatible in general. Stop beating your heads against a wall to try and get back/stay together. 3
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 16, 2022 Author Posted March 16, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: Although it may not have been one of the best comments to make, I understand your frustration and how taken aback you must have been. What is it about the vaccine though that is such a source of contention between you two? Really not trying to give away too much details but someone she knew, very close to her passed away a couple months after getting their second shot. That person never had covid. 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Everyone has a right to change their mind on any topic. Very true. You weren't involved with her breakdowns during the time she had no choice in getting the vaccine, though.
glows Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 It’s a new day - are you both still upset with each other? Just apologize to her and distance yourself from her ranting. She seems highly emotional and may be grieving. She doesn’t like this company and has told you she thinks you’re judgmental so don’t keep doing the same thing. Apologize to her and move on from this. Stay healthy and well yourself by engaging in things you have to do. Don’t become so involved in her issues either. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 16, 2022 Author Posted March 16, 2022 Just now, glows said: It’s a new day - are you both still upset with each other? We/she seems to be fine. We talked a little last night that had nothing to do with this.
glows Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Just now, ItsTheDay said: We/she seems to be fine. We talked a little last night that had nothing to do with this. Great. Talk about other topics and hold off judgment about anything vaccine related. Have no opinion on it. If she’s emotional about her company put things in context, go about your own duties and things you need to do.
seapebbles Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Like I said, it's much deeper and for her to say the 50 bucks changed her mind was a shock to me. 20 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: the change was I already took the vaccine so why not get the $50 bucks for getting the booster". But the $50 didn't change her mind. The fact that she already had to compromise her convictions and get the vaccine to keep her job changed her mind. Now she wants to take advantage of the company that made her get it to keep her job and get the $50. Bottom line is, she has the right to change her mind and you have the right to feel frustrated over it. But to your question as to why you are feeling heartbroken is because it sounds like she's pulling away. From the text exchange, she sounds defeated and not heard or understood. She's told you she always feels judged by you, which is part of her insecurities to work on, but perhaps you can tweak your communication style to get your point across. I'm glad to hear that you are talking again. 2
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 16, 2022 Author Posted March 16, 2022 4 minutes ago, seapebbles said: But the $50 didn't change her mind. The fact that she already had to compromise her convictions and get the vaccine to keep her job changed her mind. Now she wants to take advantage of the company that made her get it to keep her job and get the $50. Bottom line is, she has the right to change her mind and you have the right to feel frustrated over it. But to your question as to why you are feeling heartbroken is because it sounds like she's pulling away. From the text exchange, she sounds defeated and not heard or understood. She's told you she always feels judged by you, which is part of her insecurities to work on, but perhaps you can tweak your communication style to get your point across. I'm glad to hear that you are talking again. The $50 is what changed her mind. She wouldn't get the booster IF they didn't offer her $50 to get it. Again, they are not requiring her to get the booster. She always feels judged, it's just not exclusive to me. Her own words, "You're just easier to attack when feeling judged". It can be towards something as silly as her moving plates and cups to a different cabinet and me asking her why she did it. She'll feel judged. She knows this is a problem and was a problem in our relationship, tells me her and her therapist are working on these but I see no change. I told her before I always felt like I had to tip toe around my feelings or concerns because of how defensive she gets. She said she's aware of this andher and her therapist are trying to figure out where it's coming from.
seapebbles Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said: She knows this is a problem and was a problem in our relationship, tells me her and her therapist are working on these but I see no change. I told her before I always felt like I had to tip toe around my feelings or concerns because of how defensive she gets I'm sorry, but it sounds like there will be no quick, easy fix for this. Having to tiptoe around around someone all of the time is no way to live. Trust me, I've been on both sides of that issue. One of the best things a man can tell me is that he feels he can be himself around me. Of course in any relationship, there will be lines and boundaries drawn on certain topics, but overall there shouldn't be constant tiptoeing. 1
Kamille Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Why does she feel judged? She's identified that she gets defensive, but there also seems to be something in your dynamic where your questions and comments actually stem from judgment. She's owning that she can get defensive. That's a great first step. Now, please own that yes, your comment was judgmental. (Even the question about why she moved things in the cupboards: asking why suggest at best neutrality, at worst annoyance. Another statement could have been "thanks" or "hey, I like this new move", which suggests appreciation for her reorganizing the cabinets). Everyone has flaws and yes you are allowed to express annoyance. When you do express annoyance, own it. Don't pretend you're coming from a neutral place when, in fact, you're feeling frustrated. That puts even more blame on her, which is unfair. 4
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said: She'll feel judged. She knows this is a problem and was a problem in our relationship, tells me her and her therapist are working on these but I see no change. Unfortunately, the relationship has been over for a long time and that was finalized when you moved out of her house. So now it's just become bickering about all sorts of different things. It's up to you to decide how long you want this limbo to continue.
Alpacalia Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Really not trying to give away too much details but someone she knew, very close to her passed away a couple months after getting their second shot. That person never had covid. I can completely understand why she would resist a booster. Feeling judged constantly sounds like she has anxiety or phobia, doesn't it? Clearly, she has faced some difficult life circumstances that she has a hard time coping with. In judging her negatively, do you think you're deliberately trying to find fault with her? Perhaps you're just human. We're hard-wired to judge others who differ from us. What other areas of your life are you dissatisfied with, so that you're nitpicking the one thing you have going for you, or are you just ramping down your relationship by doing this? Most likely, your girlfriend knows deep down that you're unhappy with her, but you choose to pretend you're worried about her health rather than tell her the truth. Her mirror reflects back to you what you think. Whatever happens, good luck! Don't forget that you are human too, so treat yourself well.
glows Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: The $50 is what changed her mind. She wouldn't get the booster IF they didn't offer her $50 to get it. Again, they are not requiring her to get the booster. She always feels judged, it's just not exclusive to me. Her own words, "You're just easier to attack when feeling judged". It can be towards something as silly as her moving plates and cups to a different cabinet and me asking her why she did it. She'll feel judged. She knows this is a problem and was a problem in our relationship, tells me her and her therapist are working on these but I see no change. I told her before I always felt like I had to tip toe around my feelings or concerns because of how defensive she gets. She said she's aware of this andher and her therapist are trying to figure out where it's coming from. Do you always phrase a disagreement as a question or speak off the cuff? The other end of this is becoming completely desensitized and tuning you out. She hasn’t gotten to that point but in shutting down conversations or refusing to speak with you it’s moving towards that. Since the cups comment wasn’t useful I might have completely ignored it and changed the subject. The result perhaps would be the other party being offended or wondering why I had ignored the comment. Kamille had some alternative comments or ways to acknowledge that particular scenario. Try focusing on more of a positive tone rather than critiquing or questioning. I’m sure you both have a lot of love and care for one another. Are you both still living separately? Edited March 16, 2022 by glows
basil67 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 7 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Very true. You weren't involved with her breakdowns during the time she had no choice in getting the vaccine, though. And her having previous breakdowns is no justification for you to be questioning her ethics. 1
poppyfields Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 (edited) >>She always feels judged, it's just not exclusive to me. Her own words, "You're just easier to attack when feeling judged". It can be towards something as silly as her moving plates and cups to a different cabinet and me asking her why she did it. << OP, do you live together? My response depends on your answer. Edited March 16, 2022 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 12 hours ago, poppyfields said: OP, do you live together? My response depends on your answer. She asked him to move out a long time ago. You can check for past topics under a users profile.
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2022 Posted March 17, 2022 Stop sweating over the small stuff. The sky has opened up to let the sunlight through.....in a few months everyone will forget about all this and carry on with life. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 On 3/16/2022 at 5:58 PM, poppyfields said: >>She always feels judged, it's just not exclusive to me. Her own words, "You're just easier to attack when feeling judged". It can be towards something as silly as her moving plates and cups to a different cabinet and me asking her why she did it. << OP, do you live together? My response depends on your answer. No. On 3/16/2022 at 2:47 PM, glows said: Are you both still living separately? Yes, I'm still living separately. Her and I actually got together last night and went out to dinner. Everything was pretty good but we got on a topic that I had to really bite my tongue on. She did have the decency to silent her phone during dinner, but right after that she was texting on her phone until the check came. Then on the whole ride to her house she was talking on her phone to someone from her crossfit class. Pulled up to her house and I was just going to drop her off and leave but she got out of my car and whispered "can you unlock the door". I still have a key to the house so I said ok. We get inside her house, she goes upstairs and continues talking to this person. I just wanted to leave but she came back downstairs after a few minutes and I just sat with the dogs waiting for her to get off the phone. 15 minutes later she finally got off and I told her I was leaving. She said "sorry she can talk" and then asked if I wanted to get together tomorrow because she's not going to her crossfit class and Saturday her and her crossfit friends are going out dancing. I said yeah I don't see why not.
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 12 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: Saturday her and her crossfit friends are going out dancing. Moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. You have so many issues with her. You keep attempting to reconcile but yet you don't like her crossfit or phone habits or this or that or the other. Why not just set yourself free? 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. You have so many issues with her. You keep attempting to reconcile but yet you don't like her crossfit or phone habits or this or that or the other. Why not just set yourself free? I'm still trying to figure that part out. The topic I had to really bite my tongue on, she was telling me her one best friend got on her for not making time with her anymore.
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 4 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: . The topic I had to really bite my tongue on, Well the chronic fault finding and character assassinations is why it ended along with no intimacy for a long time. Accept that you may be better off moving forward than backwards. You may be happier with someone more compatible.
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 18, 2022 Author Posted March 18, 2022 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Well the chronic fault finding and character assassinations is why it ended along with no intimacy for a long time. Accept that you may be better off moving forward than backwards. You may be happier with someone more compatible. I wouldn't consider this fault finding, I mean it was her best friend that was the one calling her out. What she was telling me what her friend told her, is exactly what I was going through when she joined crossfit, pretty much word for word. She said if her best friend doesn't want to join her and her class friends then that's on her, I'm doing nothing wrong. The only comment I made was maybe she just wants to hang out or do something with just you. They been best friends for almost 20 years so yeah, I can only imagine how her friend feels.
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Posted March 18, 2022 2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I wouldn't consider this fault finding, I mean it was her best friend that was the one calling her out. What she was telling me what her friend told her, is exactly what I was going through when she joined crossfit, pretty much word for word. She said if her best friend doesn't want to join her and her class friends then that's on her, I'm doing nothing wrong. The only comment I made was maybe she just wants to hang out or do something with just you. They been best friends for almost 20 years so yeah, I can only imagine how her friend feels. The problem with staying in this situation is it conditions you bit by bit into tolerating more and more unhappiness until you’ve lost yourself entirely. 1 1
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