ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) Long story short (for ones that haven't read my prior post), my ex and I have reconnected/trying to reconnect about 10 months after our break up, which was an almost 8 year relationship. It's now been about 9 months since we reconnected and things have been going up and down but we've been a lot better at talking things through during the reconnection. We haven't been intimate during this reconnection besides kissing, cuddling and rubbing each other. That actually came to a halt during our last talk a few weeks or so ago. So it seems like our time after that has been limited. Used to see each other a few times a week, to twice a week and now once a week if that. Now this may rub some people here the wrong way, but around September/October her employer mandated that she had to get the vaccine. She wasn't happy about it and tried everything to not having to get it, they weren't having it so she had to get it which she did. Yesterday, she sends me a text saying she now has to get the booster. Where we live, it's like covid doesn't exist anymore. They dropped all the mask mandates and proof of vaccinated to get into the public places that once required it. So I asked her "they're making you get the booster?" She said "no they're not but if I do get the booster they're giving me a $50 visa gift card. Most people I know aren't having a bad reaction to it, only one person". I replied "so you can be bought?" She said "Why do you have to put it that way?", I said "Because of what you said". Didn't hear from her for about five hours so I texted her "did I upset you?" She replies... "I guess it's just I don't know unpleasant. I had nothing to say after that" I reply.... "Well you have to look at how you said it. You didn't originally want the shot but they made you or they would fire you. Now they're not making you get the booster but they'll give you money to get it. I didn't mean to come off as unpleasant, I'm sorry" She replies.... "It's just not kind and I tend to always feel judged and I don't like it. I have always disliked how you question me one my thoughts and choices. Like I can't change or that circumstances don't matter in that change of opinion or whatever. It's what you decided to say to me so it is what it is. It's just negative in nature and I don't desire to talk further with you". I replied... "I said what I said based on what I explained. Any change that I'm unaware of is not on me" She replies.... "Ok well forgive me then if I don't think your apology is sincere considering you started off with blaming me and your ending with blaming me. And I explained the change to you, the change was I already took the vaccine so why not get the $50 bucks for getting the booster". I just said ok and haven't heard from her since. I don't see how I blamed her for anything. I said what I said and explained why I said it. She didn't want to get the vaccine at all, she went to the extreme to try and avoid getting it and even was looking else where for another job but in her field they all required it. Now they bribe her with money to get the booster and all of sudden she "changes" her mind. Hence the text "so you can be bought?". I also don't see how I was judging her, she always throughs that in my face whenever I ask her a question. Just like this past weekend, I helped her out with something that I have been saying needs/should be done since 2017 (what it is, is not important) but back then she kept saying no it's not needed. Then last week she text me if I could send her the link to that one thing, so i did and she ordered it. I helped her with it, well I pretty much did it all and I asked her "why all of sudden now?" and of course I get "don't judge me". I said I'm not, I'm just asking because I've been saying this since 2017 and she just says well why not. I'm getting that heartbroken feeling and I don't know why. I'm just really frustrated over this. Edited March 15, 2022 by ItsTheDay
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Implying someone can be bought is offensive and judgmental as you're also suggesting that she lacks conviction in her morals or beliefs. That she can be bought means that money pushes her to give up her convictions easily. I think ignoring that or denying what you meant made things worse. In future leave your personal opinion out of it if someone chooses to get a vaccine and/or booster. While your opinion is also valid, avoid comments like this when someone is already feeling off and uncertain about their predicament. Keep it to yourself and realize that perhaps you both are not compatible or on the same page. She already seemed upset with the situation and uneasy with her company's policies. 5 1
BreakOnThrough Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Sounds like some built-up resentment to me, I suppose on both sides. You mentioned lack of intimacy as well, relationship may be on the rocks. If you are both serious about continuing, get a counselor and learn to communicate in a positive manner. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: Implying someone can be bought is offensive and judgmental as you're also suggesting that she lacks conviction in her morals or beliefs. That she can be bought means that money pushes her to give up her convictions easily. I think ignoring that or denying what you meant made things worse. In future leave your personal opinion out of it if someone chooses to get a vaccine and/or booster. While your opinion is also valid, avoid comments like this when someone is already feeling off and uncertain about their predicament. Keep it to yourself and realize that perhaps you both are not compatible or on the same page. She already seemed upset with the situation and uneasy with her company's policies. I agree with this 100%. I was with her and had to hear how upset she was when they were making her get the vaccine. She did not want it and she told me she felt violated that she had no choice if she wanted to keep her job, or a job in her field. So yeah, I didn't just say what I said to a random person.
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 4 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said: Sounds like some built-up resentment to me, I suppose on both sides. You mentioned lack of intimacy as well, relationship may be on the rocks. If you are both serious about continuing, get a counselor and learn to communicate in a positive manner. She has personally been seeing one of her own for about a year now. She will tell me a little bit about her sessions and what her therapist as pointed out to her. One thing her therapist told her is she's quick to jump in defense mode and they're trying to figure out where it's coming from. I think that plays a part in her feeling judged by me when I ask her simply questions.
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 21 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I asked her "they're making you get the booster?" She said "no they're not but if I do get the booster they're giving me a $50 visa gift card. I replied "so you can be bought?" haven't heard from her since. Why accuse her of having zero integrity? Sorry, but you may be toast for that attitude/remark. 6
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 That wasn't just a question requiring an answer, a valid answer, such as "Which direction to turn the car, honey?" It was a rhetorical question with an insult built into it implying what I said in the above and her lack of integrity as a person. I think you both are best broken up and leaving each other alone. If you can't see how rude you were in that comment and are still frustrated, stay broken up. It's better this way. 3
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why accuse her of having zero integrity? Sorry, but you may be toast for that attitude/remark. I had to deal with days if not weeks of her complaining and crying about how she feels violated that she has no choice in getting the vaccine. She wanted me to go with her to get it, so I did and she was really upset over it. So going from that, to now it's ok because she's getting 50 bucks is just surprising to me. Edited March 15, 2022 by ItsTheDay 3
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I had to deal with days if not weeks of her complaining and crying about how she feels violated that she has no choice in getting the vaccine. She wanted me to go with her to get it, so I did and she was really upset over it. So going from that, to now it's ok because she's getting 50 bucks is just surprising to me. Well, you didn't have to deal with it. That's also part of the issue. You could have walked away from that mindset or opinion or reaction to a vaccination for example. It's resentment over time having to listen to someone when perhaps you might have been thinking the whole time how you'd rather be doing something else. Why keep living in denial that you both get along?
Ami1uwant Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 23 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I agree with this 100%. I was with her and had to hear how upset she was when they were making her get the vaccine. She did not want it and she told me she felt violated that she had no choice if she wanted to keep her job, or a job in her field. So yeah, I didn't just say what I said to a random person. Why is she against getting vaccinated? What reaction did she have from the first one? what you said, while crass, has some truth to it of incentivizing people to get vaxxed. For some it could mean things like lower health insurance costs.
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: Well, you didn't have to deal with it. That's also part of the issue. You could have walked away from that mindset or opinion or reaction to a vaccination for example. It's resentment over time having to listen to someone when perhaps you might have been thinking the whole time how you'd rather be doing something else. Why keep living in denial that you both get along? I dealt with it because I felt bad for her. I told her I would even get the shot with her because of how upset she was and she told me no she doesn't want me to get it but she wanted me to go with her, so I did.
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said: Why is she against getting vaccinated? What reaction did she have from the first one? what you said, while crass, has some truth to it of incentivizing people to get vaxxed. For some it could mean things like lower health insurance costs. Her and I both never had vaccines, only the ones doctors gave out in the 80's for kids. Other than that, we never had the flu shot or anything like that. We just don't want it, I don't think this is the place to explain why. 1 1
introverted1 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Look on the bright side - now you know that her principles can be shifted for a $50 gift card. 2
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) I agree with you it's yours or her choice or anyone's choice whether or not to be vaccinated but she handled her frustrations badly and took it out on you or seemed to go on and on with the drama of it. You felt compelled to listen and support her so that in the end you were emotionally invested in the outcome - her acquiescing and getting the booster as well. Just practice some healthy distance in the personal choice of it all and distance yourself during rants and emotional outbursts. She was likely venting to you and it went overboard. Edited March 15, 2022 by glows 2
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 15, 2022 Author Posted March 15, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: I agree with you it's yours or her choice or anyone's choice whether or not to be vaccinated but she handled her frustrations badly and took it out on you or seemed to go on and on with the drama of it. You felt compelled to listen and support her so that in the end you were emotionally invested in the outcome - her acquiescing and getting the booster as well. Just practice some healthy distance in the personal choice of it all and distance yourself during rants and emotional outbursts. She was likely venting to you and it went overboard. Thank you. You pretty much put my feelings in words. 1
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Your comment "so you can be bought" was rude and disrespectful, and unnecessary. If she chose to get the booster then that's her business, just accept it and leave it alone. No need to make snarky remarks about it. You were the one who caused a problem here with your rude comment. 1
chillii Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Doesn't matter but the way you said that. l mean she's excepted it and decided to hell with it and she gets a bonus thrown in, so what, especially as she struggled with it earlier. That's actually pretty common a lot have had to do the same in the end. l think there's also a lot more to it though from over the yrs and resentment from your ways with her in general that you don't even realize yourself. Anyway whatever the case though, l admire and get two people trying again but tbh, it really sounds like your both flogging a dead horse anyway at this stage, especially on her part. it's probably time . 1
Lauriebell82 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 My two cents is not only do you guys sound like you don’t communicate well, but it also sounds like there are previous underlying issues still lurking from maybe before the breakup? Also what you said about her being bought does sound insensitive and judgement. You could have phrased it differently if you were trying to understand her sudden change of heart for getting the booster. But for the record, her company giving an incentive of a $50 gift card is pretty smart! Not a bribe, an incentive. It turned someone who was AGAINST getting vaccinated into someone who wanted to further protect their health and that of their coworkers. I won’t argue about vaccines here, BUT I’d say if you want this relationship to work you need to judge less and be WAY more open to seeing how your girlfriend is feeling. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) This argument is not the problem. The problem is you guys have zero connection and don't know how to talk lovingly to each other. You could have said, "50 dollars? I thought you hated the vaccine ..." But here's the deal. You could have said that with accepting warmth or with hostility and distance. It's not always (or even mostly) the exact words that matter, that sting. It's the tone, the trust or lack of trust, the humor. It also matters how well you've been getting along til then. And it matters whether she was feeling trustful of you as well as whether you generally feel trustful of her (and her thinking). At a certain point in a relationship you basically have to accept the way the other person thinks, and you refrain from scrutinizing their every statement. If you question her thinking, you want to do genuine curiosity, not the attitude of dang that sounded positively stupid to me. And if her thinking sounds positively stupid to you (and is not overwhelmingly outweighed by her strengths) that means you need to break up, you guys are not a good fit. And in eight years, you should KNOW how she thinks by now. If you don't like her thinking and it really bothers you, break up. You guys have bigger problems. You aren't sleeping together? Did I read that right? And you were together 8 years before the breakup? Sounds like guys are just bogged down in disagreement and conflict and neither of you has the wisdom to initiate and hold to a breakup. This tussle was just a symptom of the bigger problem. Both of you need to move on, it seems to me. And hold to it next time! Edited March 15, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 2
Maldives Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Long story short (for ones that haven't read my prior post), my ex and I have reconnected/trying to reconnect about 10 months after our break up, which was an almost 8 year relationship. It's now been about 9 months since we reconnected and things have been going up and down but we've been a lot better at talking things through during the reconnection. We haven't been intimate during this reconnection besides kissing, cuddling and rubbing each other. That actually came to a halt during our last talk a few weeks or so ago. So it seems like our time after that has been limited. Used to see each other a few times a week, to twice a week and now once a week if that. Now this may rub some people here the wrong way, but around September/October her employer mandated that she had to get the vaccine. She wasn't happy about it and tried everything to not having to get it, they weren't having it so she had to get it which she did. Yesterday, she sends me a text saying she now has to get the booster. Where we live, it's like covid doesn't exist anymore. They dropped all the mask mandates and proof of vaccinated to get into the public places that once required it. So I asked her "they're making you get the booster?" She said "no they're not but if I do get the booster they're giving me a $50 visa gift card. Most people I know aren't having a bad reaction to it, only one person". I replied "so you can be bought?" She said "Why do you have to put it that way?", I said "Because of what you said". Didn't hear from her for about five hours so I texted her "did I upset you?" She replies... "I guess it's just I don't know unpleasant. I had nothing to say after that" I reply.... "Well you have to look at how you said it. You didn't originally want the shot but they made you or they would fire you. Now they're not making you get the booster but they'll give you money to get it. I didn't mean to come off as unpleasant, I'm sorry" She replies.... "It's just not kind and I tend to always feel judged and I don't like it. I have always disliked how you question me one my thoughts and choices. Like I can't change or that circumstances don't matter in that change of opinion or whatever. It's what you decided to say to me so it is what it is. It's just negative in nature and I don't desire to talk further with you". I replied... "I said what I said based on what I explained. Any change that I'm unaware of is not on me" She replies.... "Ok well forgive me then if I don't think your apology is sincere considering you started off with blaming me and your ending with blaming me. And I explained the change to you, the change was I already took the vaccine so why not get the $50 bucks for getting the booster". I just said ok and haven't heard from her since. I don't see how I blamed her for anything. I said what I said and explained why I said it. She didn't want to get the vaccine at all, she went to the extreme to try and avoid getting it and even was looking else where for another job but in her field they all required it. Now they bribe her with money to get the booster and all of sudden she "changes" her mind. Hence the text "so you can be bought?". I also don't see how I was judging her, she always throughs that in my face whenever I ask her a question. Just like this past weekend, I helped her out with something that I have been saying needs/should be done since 2017 (what it is, is not important) but back then she kept saying no it's not needed. Then last week she text me if I could send her the link to that one thing, so i did and she ordered it. I helped her with it, well I pretty much did it all and I asked her "why all of sudden now?" and of course I get "don't judge me". I said I'm not, I'm just asking because I've been saying this since 2017 and she just says well why not. I'm getting that heartbroken feeling and I don't know why. I'm just really frustrated over this. I'm faced with the same issue re work. There's something not right about this vaccine thing but that's another topic I feel coerced too. I don't know where you are but I'm in Aus. But anyway going back to Ur girl if you just wanna make this right even though you didn't really say anything out of context just acknowledge it upset her and support her in her decision. At the end of the day if you hold onto I'm right your wrong it's not gonna fix things Edited March 15, 2022 by Goodguy05
Maldives Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I had to deal with days if not weeks of her complaining and crying about how she feels violated that she has no choice in getting the vaccine. She wanted me to go with her to get it, so I did and she was really upset over it. So going from that, to now it's ok because she's getting 50 bucks is just surprising to me. I think I know why you reacted the way you did. You probably felt all your effort and support was for nothing and then surprised she so easily moved forward with the booster. I'm gonna guess that she had maybe minor of no reaction to when she had the vaccine so that probably changed her stance on it it was no big deal cause she's OK. However for you it was perplexing. I hope that explains it lol so I get your reaction. In hindsight how I would approach these situations cause I've done this and it's sabotaged some relationships. Apologise say you were wrong to say it if it makes you feel better you can explain where it came from but in that space it short sighted you to her and what you said. 3
basil67 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Your comment was very, very rude. Had you simply said "What changed your mind?" it would have been a reasonable question, but accusing her of dubious morals was a vile thing to do. And given that you can't see what you did wrong, I'm inclined to believe that she's right on the money when she feels judged by your prior "questions". I don't blame her for not speaking to you now. I suspect the reconciliation may not continue. 6
seapebbles Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 It sounds like part of her resisting getting vaccinated was because she was afraid of having a reaction, but now it's no longer a concern and is willing to take the 50 bucks to get boosted. You absolutely judged her in a very passive-aggressive way. Without knowing much about your story just what I read here, it sounds like she has a lot of insecurities and you are too concerned about being right. You seem to lack the empathy to understand why she's triggered by what you say. It's good to hear that she is taking steps to self improvement. It seems to me that you both need to work on yourselves first before trying to work on the relationship. Perhaps try again later down the road
Agentra Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Have to echo the good folks above.. Very rude and condescending. Instead of seeing that, you continued to point the finger in her direction as she was trying to talk to you about it. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted March 16, 2022 Author Posted March 16, 2022 10 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: I think I know why you reacted the way you did. You probably felt all your effort and support was for nothing and then surprised she so easily moved forward with the booster. I'm gonna guess that she had maybe minor of no reaction to when she had the vaccine so that probably changed her stance on it it was no big deal cause she's OK. However for you it was perplexing. I hope that explains it lol so I get your reaction. In hindsight how I would approach these situations cause I've done this and it's sabotaged some relationships. Apologise say you were wrong to say it if it makes you feel better you can explain where it came from but in that space it short sighted you to her and what you said. I did apologize to her, again. Told her it was crappy thing for me to say and explained where it came from and how it made me feel. She said she gets it but regardless you are correct, it was a crappy thing to say. It's not about the little to no reactions she got, it's much deeper than that. 8 hours ago, basil67 said: Your comment was very, very rude. Had you simply said "What changed your mind?" it would have been a reasonable question, but accusing her of dubious morals was a vile thing to do. And given that you can't see what you did wrong, I'm inclined to believe that she's right on the money when she feels judged by your prior "questions". I don't blame her for not speaking to you now. I suspect the reconciliation may not continue. She already mentioned what changed her mind, and it was the 50 bucks. If it wasn't for the 50 bucks she wouldn't be getting it. If her employer didn't require her to get the vaccine she wouldn't of got it, either. Like I said, it's much deeper and for her to say the 50 bucks changed her mind was a shock to me. Let's say you had valid reasons to be against something, let's just use meat as an example. You're against meat because of whatever reasons. You bring someone else in it and tell them your view on the situation, you show deep emotions over it and said person gets emotionally invested and supports you with your decisions. Then out of the blue "I'm going to eat a steak because I can get 50 bucks" 4 hours ago, seapebbles said: It sounds like part of her resisting getting vaccinated was because she was afraid of having a reaction, but now it's no longer a concern and is willing to take the 50 bucks to get boosted. You absolutely judged her in a very passive-aggressive way. Without knowing much about your story just what I read here, it sounds like she has a lot of insecurities and you are too concerned about being right. You seem to lack the empathy to understand why she's triggered by what you say. It's good to hear that she is taking steps to self improvement. It seems to me that you both need to work on yourselves first before trying to work on the relationship. Perhaps try again later down the road Like I said, it's much deeper than getting reactions from it. It had nothing to do with that. 1
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