Am I being ridiculous?

[jayveeman]

My GF and I work at the same company and we are both on an informal joke group chat with about 18 other people.  Almost every time this other guy (let's call him Bob) posts something there my GF responds with some variation of a laughing emoji or a comment.  When I post anything, she hardly ever responds.  I know this sounds silly, believe me, but there's more to it.  Before we started seeing each other, she would react to almost everything I posted but now that's changed.  I'm trying to go through possible reasons for this.  I don't think I would be thinking too much about it if it wasn't for the last thing ... About a month or two ago, we were taking a walk and chatting and the topic of kids came up.  I have dark hair and she has blue eyes, so she said "our child will be perfect, with dark hair and blue eyes, like Bob".  She told me she didn't mean it the way I took it up but in my mind perfect = dark hair and blue eyes = Bob.  So in isolation, each of these things doesn't sound bad, but I just don't want to ignore signs I should have paid attention to and then deal with crap later down the line.  Opinions?  Advice?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, jayveeman said:

Bob posts something there my GF responds with some variation of a laughing emoji or a comment.  

Focus on your in-person real-time relationship rather than work group chat emojis.

Don't be the jealous BF. Just ignore her silliness with "Bob".

 Watch a comedy movie together in person to break up the tension

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic link

[glows]

2 hours ago, jayveeman said:

My GF and I work at the same company and we are both on an informal joke group chat with about 18 other people.  Almost every time this other guy (let's call him Bob) posts something there my GF responds with some variation of a laughing emoji or a comment.  When I post anything, she hardly ever responds.  I know this sounds silly, believe me, but there's more to it.  Before we started seeing each other, she would react to almost everything I posted but now that's changed.  I'm trying to go through possible reasons for this.  I don't think I would be thinking too much about it if it wasn't for the last thing ... About a month or two ago, we were taking a walk and chatting and the topic of kids came up.  I have dark hair and she has blue eyes, so she said "our child will be perfect, with dark hair and blue eyes, like Bob".  She told me she didn't mean it the way I took it up but in my mind perfect = dark hair and blue eyes = Bob.  So in isolation, each of these things doesn't sound bad, but I just don't want to ignore signs I should have paid attention to and then deal with crap later down the line.  Opinions?  Advice?

Are there any other issues in the relationship or disagreements? Are you both from different ethnic backgrounds? Who cares about dark hair and blue eyes? Was she referring to interracial kids who happen to look like Bob? I ask as this issue may be out of context. Is Bob new? 

It’s frustrating and eventually erodes a relationship when you feel invisible or ignored. While there’s nothing she’s doing wrong, it won’t necessarily deepen your relationship if you’re not supporting or validating each other in person or even in 2D social group settings. In all, it seems rather superficial (including your relationship).

How long have you been dating and how old are the three of you? 

[ShyViolet]

I think you need to stop over-analyzing posting and online chat messages.  How does she act when you are together  in person?  That is your real relationship.  The way she texts or posts on social media, that is not your relationship.  That's really kind of insignificant.

Yes the comment about Bob in regards to you having kids, maybe that was a tiny bit weird, but sometimes weird or awkward things that we don't mean come out.  It happens.  It doesn't sound like it really meant anything.  Let it go.

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, jayveeman said:

Almost every time this other guy (let's call him Bob) posts something there my GF responds with some variation of a laughing emoji or a comment.  When I post anything, she hardly ever responds.  I know this sounds silly, believe me, but there's more to it. 

About a month or two ago, we were taking a walk and chatting and the topic of kids came up.  I have dark hair and she has blue eyes, so she said "our child will be perfect, with dark hair and blue eyes, like Bob".  

^^I believe you when you say there is more to it and I think it's good you're paying attention and not ignoring. 

Where there's smoke there's fire as they say and in my experience it's more true than not. 

Putting myself in this situation, I don't think she's cheating but it does sound like she has a crush on "Bob."

That's why he gets laughing emojis and random comments and that's why she thought of HIM when talking about what your kids would look like. 

I am also going to guess she mentions "Bob" at other times too because that's what's happens when we're crushing on someone, even when in a relationship, we like to talk about them. 

I've done it myself when in a relationship, not proud to admit.  It's disrespectful imo. 

Have you considered directly asking her?  People are so afraid to ask the hard questions, but imo it's necessary sometimes. 

It's your life and your heart. And it's better than stewing about it, letting it fester within.  

Who cares if she thinks you're jealous or whatever, SHE is the one who constantly talks about him, sends him emojis, comments and hopes your kids look like him.

I mean who tells their boyfriend that?  SMH at that one. 

Anyway, if me, I would straight up ask what's up and I wouldn't care what he (she) thought about it. 

Again, your heart, your life. 

Take care of you. 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[jayveeman]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Are there any other issues in the relationship or disagreements? Are you both from different ethnic backgrounds? Who cares about dark hair and blue eyes? Was she referring to interracial kids who happen to look like Bob? I ask as this issue may be out of context. Is Bob new? 

It’s frustrating and eventually erodes a relationship when you feel invisible or ignored. While there’s nothing she’s doing wrong, it won’t necessarily deepen your relationship if you’re not supporting or validating each other in person or even in 2D social group settings. In all, it seems rather superficial (including your relationship).

How long have you been dating and how old are the three of you? 

There have been other disagreements unrelated to this.  We're not from different ethnic backgrounds, it's just something she mentioned during a conversation.  She and Bob started around the same time.  We haven't been dating for long so I'd rather ask these questions now before it's too late

[jayveeman]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you need to stop over-analyzing posting and online chat messages.  How does she act when you are together  in person?  That is your real relationship.  The way she texts or posts on social media, that is not your relationship.  That's really kind of insignificant.

Yes the comment about Bob in regards to you having kids, maybe that was a tiny bit weird, but sometimes weird or awkward things that we don't mean come out.  It happens.  It doesn't sound like it really meant anything.  Let it go.

Thanks.  I get what you are saying.  I'm open to the idea that I might be over analyzing, I just don't want to look the other way when this behaviour could actually be pointing towards bigger issues down the line

[jayveeman]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

^^I believe you when you say there is more to it and I think it's good you're paying attention and not ignoring. 

Where there's smoke there's fire as they say and in my experience it's more true than not. 

Putting myself in this situation, I don't think she's cheating but it does sound like she has a crush on "Bob."

That's why he gets laughing emojis and random comments and that's why she thought of HIM when talking about what your kids would look like. 

I am also going to guess she mentions "Bob" at other times too because that's what's happens when we're crushing on someone, even when in a relationship, we like to talk about them. 

I've done it myself when in a relationship, not proud to admit.  It's disrespectful imo. 

Have you considered directly asking her?  People are so afraid to ask the hard questions, but imo it's necessary sometimes. 

It's your life and your heart. And it's better than stewing about it, letting it fester within.  

Who cares if she thinks you're jealous or whatever, SHE is the one who constantly talks about him, sends him emojis, comments and hopes your kids look like him.

I mean who tells their boyfriend that?  SMH at that one. 

Anyway, if me, I would straight up ask what's up and I wouldn't care what he (she) thought about it. 

Again, your heart, your life. 

Take care of you. 

 

She has randomly said during a conversation, "Bob's so funny" and when I asked what prompted that out of the blue, she just said because he is.  I should probably just ask her but then I wonder if my hesitance doesn't show me that I'm not comfortable with the idea of that conversation.  I have wondered to myself whether I'm just a second (or third) choice since Bob is married, and that's not a nice train of thought to ride.  

[glows]

47 minutes ago, jayveeman said:

There have been other disagreements unrelated to this.  We're not from different ethnic backgrounds, it's just something she mentioned during a conversation.  She and Bob started around the same time.  We haven't been dating for long so I'd rather ask these questions now before it's too late

What are the other disagreements about? Take a moment to consider whether lack of trust is coming from those disagreements. You’re feeling insecure about the relationship and the issues are deeper than how funny Bob is or what Bob looks like. Try not to blame a third party. I think your problems are stemming from lack of trust.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, jayveeman said:

. We haven't been dating for long so I'd rather ask these questions now before it's too late

Bob is married and you're all co-workers?

How long have you been dating? It would be a good idea to work on your confidence and self respect.

Jealousy isn't a good look. And if emojis are sending you over the edge it's time to work on this.

[chillii]

Was that the only thing does she mention him very often, do you see her around him at work and how does she act ?

Just bc he's married doesn't mean she won't have a thing for him.

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, chillii said:

Just bc he's married doesn't mean she won't have a thing for him.

Absolutely agree.  

And it's more than just emails, it's everything combined and the comment about hoping your kids look like "Bob" was over the top.

Ignoring it, trying to be the 'cool guy' is what gets guys played, same for women when they ignore and try to be cool about certain things. 

No one is suggesting you get into a jealous rage or throw a fit about it, just don't ignore it.

Continue observing.  

And if it continues, ask her about it, in a non-accusatoty way.

Communicate.  That's what we do when in a relationship, not ignore things we observe that trouble us, or sweep under the rug, we communicate with our partner about it. 

Who cares if it's ridiculous, again your heart, your life.

The totality of her words and reactions re this Bob person is just weird.  And it's often how office affairs begin.  

It could be something, it could be nothing.   But for now continue observing.  If it continues, ask.  I would if in your shoes, and have! 

Just my $.02, as I'm a huge proponent of open and honest communication.

Good luck. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

Bob's married?  That makes a difference, no matter how much she is crushing on him, he's taken.  Sure he may have an affair, even if she is a co-worker.  Do you know Bob's wife?

I'd ignore her comments, not let it get to me, but realize their is a time limit on this relationship.  That is, she is fun enough for now but wouldn't be making future plans with her, keep it casual and would keep my eye open to move on as well...she already has her eyes on someone even if he is taken.

The reason I'd ignore it is you already brought this up and you got her response, which is basically you are overreacting.  Further more focused conversations will get you just more of the same in my experience, or get you viewed in a more negative light.  So bringing it up further is a lose-lose for you.  I think the response you have gotten so far, would for me, say yah this is not lasting.  You can slowly fade as she gets more into Bob and exit gracefully.

Edited March 14, 2022 by SumGuy

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Bob's married?  That makes a difference, no matter how much she is crushing on him, he's taken.  Sure he may have an affair, even if she is a co-worker.  Do you know Bob's wife?

I'd ignore her comments, not let it get to me, but realize their is a time limit on this relationship.  That is, she is fun enough for now but wouldn't be making future plans with her, keep it casual and would keep my eye open to move on as well...she already has her eyes on someone even if he is taken.

The reason I'd ignore it is you already brought this up and you got her response, which is basically you are overreacting.  Further more focused conversations will get you just more of the same in my experience, or get you viewed in a more negative light.  So bringing it up further is a lose-lose for you.  I think the response you have gotten so far, would for me, say yah this is not lasting.  You can slowly fade as she gets more into Bob and exit gracefully.

I do agree with this advice OP.

To clarify when I said don't ignore, I only meant continue observing.

I suppose in this case, asking wouldn't serve any good purpose since she will mostly deny and get defensive. 

So continue observing and consider simply dumping or slow fading as @SumGuysaid. 

 

[Alpacalia]

No, it's not ridiculous for you to be concerned with her attitude towards him.

It could be just a bit of a 'crush' or more to it.

Whichever the case, the stress of this situation will eventually wear you out, especially if it continues.

So either nip it in the bud or slowly make your way out.

[smackie9]

You know what, people get small crushes, but the majority never act on it. It's just a phase she's going through. It's possible things are a little routine with you two....maybe perk things up with being more spontaneous, go on some small adventures, surprise her with flowers, etc. Spice things up. The key to a woman's heart is to make her feel desired so tell her how hot she is (outside the bedroom!), and so on.

Edited March 19, 2022 by smackie9

[flitzanu]

is bob hotter than you?  be hotter and funnier than bob.