New boyfriend smells

March 15, 2022

Hello!! Wow, I didn't think anyone would reply to this. Thank you all for your thoughts. I've been so busy with work.

In answer to some questions, yes there is a mental health condition. He suffers from depression, as do I. This is what I meant by we both have some insecurities and have been taking things slow. We get each other, are good for each other. And I do feel he is a great guy. He has said that now he has me it's going to change him for the better. Not sure what he meant by that, just his mental health in general I think. As I feel the same, happier I guess. A purpose in life.

His place was tidy, no washing up in the sink, no clutter. Beds were made (doors were open when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't poking about. Lol) he did actually say he had tidied up prior to my visit! BUT... it wasn't clean! He's been on his own for a couple of years, had a very bad breakup, his ex took his kids abroad and hes only been able to see them a couple of times a year. But that is changing soon as shes moving back to be with her elderly parents. So he will get to see them more, he is really excited about that.

But I cant get over the unclean smell of his place. Can't imagine sleeping there unless it's sorted!! But I don't want to offend him by asking him why it stinks! I've dropped hints by telling him I'm cleaning alot, he asked what I was upto at the weekend and I said I was spring cleaning my house. washing my rugs, curtains and sofa as I love a clean house. It wasn't a lie. I do love to clean.

I still don't know what to do, I do really like him. But I am thinking that maybe this won't work out. It's a shame, I've been single a long time. I'm very picky!! Belive it or not!!! Haha!!! Hygiene is a big deal for me. But there is something in him that I just think is too good to walk away from.

March 15, 2022

8 minutes ago, Annabanna said:

Hello!! Wow, I didn't think anyone would reply to this. Thank you all for your thoughts. I've been so busy with work.

In answer to some questions, yes there is a mental health condition. He suffers from depression, as do I. This is what I meant by we both have some insecurities and have been taking things slow. We get each other, are good for each other. And I do feel he is a great guy. He has said that now he has me it's going to change him for the better. Not sure what he meant by that, just his mental health in general I think. As I feel the same, happier I guess. A purpose in life.

His place was tidy, no washing up in the sink, no clutter. Beds were made (doors were open when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't poking about. Lol) he did actually say he had tidied up prior to my visit! BUT... it wasn't clean! He's been on his own for a couple of years, had a very bad breakup, his ex took his kids abroad and hes only been able to see them a couple of times a year. But that is changing soon as shes moving back to be with her elderly parents. So he will get to see them more, he is really excited about that.

But I cant get over the unclean smell of his place. Can't imagine sleeping there unless it's sorted!! But I don't want to offend him by asking him why it stinks! I've dropped hints by telling him I'm cleaning alot, he asked what I was upto at the weekend and I said I was spring cleaning my house. washing my rugs, curtains and sofa as I love a clean house. It wasn't a lie. I do love to clean.

I still don't know what to do, I do really like him. But I am thinking that maybe this won't work out. It's a shame, I've been single a long time. I'm very picky!! Belive it or not!!! Haha!!! Hygiene is a big deal for me. But there is something in him that I just think is too good to walk away from.

Given this new info, I feel badly now about what I posted.

The only solution to this imo is talk to him, he's not a mind reader.

Can he afford to have someone come in and scrub the place, do laundry?

Just once, after that it's easier to maintain.

About his body odor, that's a tougher one. But I hear ya cause there's not much worse than poor body odor disguised by bad cologne.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do...

March 15, 2022

If his place smells bad of course his clothes will absorb that smell. If he leaves his wet clothes too long in washer it will smell bad, if he doesn't dry them enough it will also smell bad. Men that are not used to house chores will often miss those details.

Does he shower, shave, keep his nails short and clean? Does he get haircuts?

March 15, 2022

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If his place smells bad of course his clothes will absorb that smell. If he leaves his wet clothes too long in washer it will smell bad, if he doesn't dry them enough it will also smell bad. Men that are not used to house chores will often miss those details.

Does he shower, shave, keep his nails short and clean? Does he get haircuts?

Yes he does all of that. His nails are short and clean, he does shower. Quite often when I message or call him and he doesn't respond right away he will say he was in the shower. He gets his hair cut often. It's a half shaved style, long on top. Needs regular maintenance. I think It's the dirty sofa, possibly unwashed bedsheets and general state of his home that's making him smell.

March 15, 2022

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Given this new info, I feel badly now about what I posted.

The only solution to this imo is talk to him, he's not a mind reader.

Can he afford to have someone come in and scrub the place, do laundry?

Just once, after that it's easier to maintain.

About his body odor, that's a tougher one. But I hear ya cause there's not much worse than poor body odor disguised by bad cologne.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do...

I need to talk to him. Its not going to be easy, and I don't want to ofend him. But I see now it's the only way. After thinking about this for a few days I'm more and more put off with it. If he can't sort the smell I will have to move on.

March 15, 2022

10 hours ago, Annabanna said:

I've dropped hints by telling him I'm cleaning alot,

Don't "drop hints". He'll just assume you have ocd or something.

There's a lot of red flags here. Complaining about the ex. Playing the victim. Disregard for basic personal and home hygiene. Laziness, untreated or under-treated mental health issues.

He may be a nice guy, but that doesn't mean you are compatible. Telling him how tidy you are is pointless.

It seems like there's a reason his ex left and he's just let things go to hell since. Another red flag.

You're already attempting to fix and change a man into what you need and want.

If you are disgusted by him, it's not your job to clean his place or insult him. It's your job to let people be who they are and find someone more compatible.

March 15, 2022

It seems odd that his 'smell' remained unnoticed for however long you've been together. One would imagine that, if he smells so offensive, then Cologne wouldn't mask it every time he's around you. This is perhaps reasonable as your expectations of cleanliness differ from those of others. His place is neat, but it isn't clean.

There are people who are obsessed with cleanliness, and I'm not saying that you're one of them, but I don't think telling him "baby, you kind of smell" is going to do the trick.

March 15, 2022

Girl HARD NO. If you were to progress this relationship to the point of moving in you are seeing firsthand what his standard of "clean" is - this is frankly just nasty. Now you see who his ex had to live with.

How old are his kids? Will they be living in that filth on his time? Are you ready to be a stepmom, and have to clean up after everyone, including his kids when they're over? I know it sounds like I'm getting ahead of the curve but these are things you *think* you'll be able to overlook but if it already bothers you NOW then you just wait.

Have you been in his car? I'll bet that's a hot mess as well. Don't let the sob story of his ex taking off with the kids deter you from standards you KNOW you need to stick to.

March 15, 2022

14 hours ago, Annabanna said:

His place was tidy, no washing up in the sink, no clutter. Beds were made (doors were open when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't poking about. Lol) he did actually say he had tidied up prior to my visit! BUT... it wasn't clean! He's been on his own for a couple of years, had a very bad breakup, his ex took his kids abroad and hes only been able to see them a couple of times a year.

...

But I cant get over the unclean smell of his place. Can't imagine sleeping there unless it's sorted!! But I don't want to offend him by asking him why it stinks!

What you need to remember was his "Best" impression the first time you was his place. He picked up the crap on the floor, it's all probably shoved into the closets out of sight. I could only imagine what it looked like if you did a "surprise" inspection. I would disagree with what others have said to drop hits or talk to him about his cleaning habits, it obviously doesn't bother him, he's just a slob. If you two moved in together, you would be always picking up after him, sink full of dirty dishes your always having to put in the dishwasher or wash them, him tracking muddy shoes though the house you just cleaned. He's oblivious to his living conditions. Saying something about it to him will only result in short term cleaning just enough to appease you, but he will fall back into his default sloppiness over time. Unless you OK with living this way, it's better to move on then to stay, he's not the one for you.

March 15, 2022

Thought I’d chime in here as I have experienced this very thing, albeit it was a very long time ago.

I dated a beautiful, lovely, very charming man and we went on 5/6 dates. However he smelt and he smelt very bad. Trust me when I say that the memory of this smell has never left me. I remember it like it was yesterday,

The man had not washed his hair for 9 years!!! Can you imagine how he smelt?? It was absolutely revolting,

He was into all this “green living” and was of the mindset that human beings do not need to wash their hair with shampoo. Water is all that is required.

I tried. I really tried to look (and smell) past it but I couldn’t.

Our final date took place at his house as he was cooking me dinner. The smell hit me like an avalanche. You could cut that smell with a knife it was so thick and repugnant.

I have never to this day smelt anything even remotely like that smell.

As you can guess I dumped him but do you know what? I was honest. I didn’t tell that he stank to high heaven. What I said was our standards of cleanliness were not compatible. I (very kindly) told him that I could smell him and that the smell was not attractive to me…

Some might be thinking why tell him? Well the answer to that is; he was a really decent human being. I wanted him to find someone and I knew his lack of washing would not appeal to most women. I wanted to help him …

He ended up buying some shampoo but unfortunately it was too late for us.

Op if this unclean behaviour continues I guarantee you will not get past it. Your best chance is to tell/ show him your standards of cleanliness and personal hygiene. If you are not on the same page you are not compatible.

March 15, 2022

16 hours ago, Annabanna said:

But I cant get over the unclean smell of his place.

Different people have different "standards" of cleanliness and there are those in the world who will freak out over some microwave splatter. In this case, you sound reasonably tolerant, but HE sounds pretty far gone. So unless he can unilaterally turn this around in very short order (AND keep it that way) there's little point in continuing this, unfortunately. You won't be able to keep feeling attracted to a person who "grosses you out" very long past the initial stages and clearly that is already kicking in.

Edited March 15, 2022 by mark clemson

March 15, 2022

9 hours ago, Annabanna said:

Yes he does all of that. His nails are short and clean, he does shower. Quite often when I message or call him and he doesn't respond right away he will say he was in the shower. He gets his hair cut often. It's a half shaved style, long on top. Needs regular maintenance. I think It's the dirty sofa, possibly unwashed bedsheets and general state of his home that's making him smell.

If a human being smells their “fragrance” will infiltrate the environment including furniture. If the furniture stinks it will cause the human to smell. Over time both will smell worse.

This is why it makes no difference with his showering. If his surroundings are filthy, he will be filthy. Cause and effect.

To get rid of the smell a deep clean needs to be done on the entire house including the human. It’s the only way to break the cycle.

It’s a lot of work and I’m not convinced your man is up for that.

March 15, 2022

9 hours ago, Annabanna said:

I need to talk to him. Its not going to be easy, and I don't want to ofend him. But I see now it's the only way. After thinking about this for a few days I'm more and more put off with it. If he can't sort the smell I will have to move on.

Is he completely divorced or just separated from his ex? Was he legally married? There are some potentially larger issues here than offensive odour. He is also making up lost time with children he didn't see for two years. Is he being treated for depression?

March 15, 2022

I knew friends who stayed in a roadside motel for a night and checked out after complaining of the smell. Turns out there was a dead body under the bed.

Run. Hints don't work because you already visited sat on the sofa, used the bathroom and ate there.

You can't simultaneously be disgusted but then stick around for that.

Just be kind. Tell him some variation or "it's me, not you". He may find a woman who doesn't even notice it. You're not compatible.

March 15, 2022

Thankyou everyone, I've spoken to him and we have decided to go our separate ways.

March 15, 2022

Just now, Annabanna said:

Thankyou everyone, I've spoken to him and we have decided to go our separate ways.

I'm sorry to hear this but it sounds like it's for the best.

March 15, 2022

1 minute ago, Annabanna said:

Thankyou everyone, I've spoken to him and we have decided to go our separate ways.

What did you tell him?

March 15, 2022

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did you tell him?

I just said we had different lifestyle and habits. I didn't need to say much more. He knew what I was getting at.

March 15, 2022

49 minutes ago, Annabanna said:

He knew what I was getting at.

It's doubtful because people who don't bathe get used to their smell. Good you let him go. I couldn't have stood him for 1 minute.

March 16, 2022

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He was into all this “green living” and was of the mindset that human beings do not need to wash their hair with shampoo. Water is all that is required.

I'll agree that washing you hair every day with shampoo is not necessary unless your job involves a lot of dirt and sweating, but at least once or twice a week at minimum.

March 16, 2022

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

To get rid of the smell a deep clean needs to be done on the entire house including the human. It’s the only way to break the cycle.

I think the sofa is a lot cause, replace with new.

March 17, 2022

On 3/16/2022 at 1:19 AM, AngryGromit said:

I think the sofa is a lot cause, replace with new.

He has actually said a few times that he needs a new sofa, it's old

March 17, 2022

On 3/16/2022 at 1:16 AM, AngryGromit said:

I'll agree that washing you hair every day with shampoo is not necessary unless your job involves a lot of dirt and sweating, but at least once or twice a week at minimum.

I think posts have got mixed up here, he takes good care of his hair. He does shower everyday, but it's the state of his flat that's letting him down.

Doesn't matter now, we've parted ways. He's messaged me since saying he is very upset he couldn't win me over as I was the girl of his dreams.

March 17, 2022

1 minute ago, Annabanna said:

I think posts have got mixed up here, he takes good care of his hair. He does shower everyday, but it's the state of his flat that's letting him down.

Doesn't matter now, we've parted ways. He's messaged me since saying he is very upset he couldn't win me over as I was the girl of his dreams.

It’s better to lose contact and not reply.

March 17, 2022

55 minutes ago, Annabanna said:

He's messaged me since saying he is very upset he couldn't win me over as I was the girl of his dreams.

Ok, that's sad. However once you part ways it's best to delete and block someone from all your social media and messaging apps.

For exactly this reason. Guilt tripping, begging etc.

Actually, "the girl of his dreams" is someone who is tolerant of his mess and odor.

You did the right thing cutting your losses early on when red flags and incompatibilities surfaced.

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