New boyfriend smells

[Annabanna]

Hello all, hope your well.

I'm not sure what to do, I recently started a new relationship with a new man, we get on great, both want the same things in life, both been through similar. And just want to settle down.

We've been on lots of dates, taken things quite slow. Didn't kiss unlill date number 8 or 9. Not yet slept together. We both have insecurities, and just really don't want to rush anything. But we talk every single day and have been talking about a future together. He's really lovely

Now this is my problem! I went to his house for the first time last weekend. It's so dirty! The sofa smells bad, dirty, sickly unwashed smell. I dried my hands on my jeans when I went to the bathroom. The towels honestly look like they have never been washed, just hung over the radiator to dry. Floor has never seen a mop. The kitchen was thick with dust and greece. He made me lunch and I really had to force it down. 

Hes been to my house lots and I've never noticed a smell, maybe because I always have windows open, candles lit. I'm very house proud. He doesn't  look scruffy or dirty. But when he hugged me goodbye last weekend at his place he also smelt bad. Dirty and unwashed with an aftershave smell like it was used as a cover up. 

What can I do? Things were going great up till this point! 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Annabanna said:

Didn't kiss unlill date number 8 or 9. Not yet slept together.

Sorry this is happening. Cut your losses. He may be nice and a decent human being, but his lifestyle is incompatible.

Bad personal hygiene and hoarding/filth are a red flag and deal breaker.

Don't try to fix or change him. Do not clean his place or hint. 

[Alpacalia]

Oh.

Stinky boyfriend might mean stinky tennis balls.

Maybe he's depressed? Does he shower?

[SingFish]

5 hours ago, Annabanna said:

I'm very house proud.

Well you could suggest cleaning together? If he's presentable in person sounds like different housekeeping standards. 

[Trail Blazer]

Stinky dudes can't help being stinky if they've already put every effort in to unstink themselves.  Is he really a slob, or does he just have body odour that can't be controlled?

Either way, that's a deal-breaker for most women I know.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Annabanna said:

 Didn't kiss unlill date number 8 or 9. Not yet slept together. 

Dating is to observe incompatibilities and watch for red flags. In this case you found them early on, so cut your losses.

Disinfect your home, take a long hot shower, then message him kindly and diplomatically that you're not a match.

Dating is not to fix or change anyone or to make anyone a project.

Do Not offer to clean up his place. You're not a cleaning service or hazmat unit. If he wants to live in a dumpster that's his choice.

 

[Gaeta]

Why don't you just ask him what's the deal with his place? 

[smackie9]

I have been to plenty of gross dirty houses in my job, and have seen the connection with mental illness. I would cut my losses TBH. He's a grown man and this is who he is. It's very possible he's been on his best behaviour, and who knows what lurks underneath.

True story, a friend of mine started dating her friends brother. My friend was invited to his place. She went into the bathroom and saw a #$%^ on the toilet seat. She ended it and walked right out. Her friend warned her brother to clean it up before hand, but he ignored it. That speaks volumes!

So like I always say first impressions count. This is not impressive, in fact this is down right a deal breaker.

Oh and I totally agree, it is not your job to "fix" someone/help them.

Edited March 12, 2022 by smackie9

[Alvi]

56 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why don't you just ask him what's the deal with his place? 

He may not see this as a problem.

Edited March 12, 2022 by Alvi

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

He may not see this as a problem.

And that would be OP's answer. If a man living in a dirty appartment doesn't see a problem with it, I'd say thanks but no thanks and good luck. If he tells me he's been overwhelmed with lets say health issues, depression, and he's planning on taking care of it, I'd keep an open mind. 

When I visited my ex-bf appartment for the first time it was pretty horrible. I sat on the tip of the couch, trying to not touch anything else. Turned out he hated that apartment, hated the neighborhood, he was looking for a new place and had let himself go. He moved into his new place and kept it spotless for the remainning years we dated. 

[SingFish]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If a man living in a dirty appartment doesn't see a problem with it, I'd say thanks but no thanks and good luck.

That's the thing, loads of people's homes are not very clean on inspection and they don't have a problem with it. I think clutter and 'dirty' things like 

 

20 hours ago, Annabanna said:

The sofa smells bad, dirty, sickly unwashed smell.

just accumulate and become a norm. Unless someone says anything I doubt people living with it even notice. 

I knew two women who every time I visited I'd leave covered in cat hair! And loads of times I've not wanted to dry my hands on a towel in someone's bathroom which looked like it had been there for months. 

If it's a really nice person otherwise I hope I'd be brave and broach the topic not just end the relationship! Doesn't make them 'a project'.

[basil67]

I agree with simply ending it.  If this is their 'normal', long term they will be the partner who never notices messes and smells and you'll be the one doing all the cleaning.  And you'll also likely end up nagging because you'd get resentful at being the only one noticing the mess. 

[glows]

I have a strong nose. Unfortunately I might have smelt the man from far away. I wouldn’t have been able to continue onto a second date[ ] it would be unbelievable how you did not detect an unwashed smell within seconds of meeting on the first date. It seems you needed to see for yourself the state of his home to believe what your nose might have already told you lightyears before. 

As much as I want to be generous about this realistically it’s an absolute no-go. I have enough to do with cleaning and maintaining my own home so this is not an option. Personal hygiene is important. My first thought about him was depression or other mental illness. 

Edited March 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[smackie9]

The hygiene is very telling.

[Alpacalia]

[ ] 

Even though you haven't given a lot of feedback, I am wondering what your boyfriend's reaction was when he brought you into his home? 

Most likely, a guy with a backbone will never transform his apartment into Martha Stewart's dream pad for someone he doesn't even live with.

I don't feel as though your boyfriend describes his emotional state as depressed, but I think it's certainly something to keep in mind if you want to discuss this with him. 

I am not sure what the full scope of his life at present is, and without knowing the full extent of his situation, his current living conditions by no means preclude a neater future, though.

Edited March 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Sun Seeker]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Most likely, a guy with a backbone will never transform his apartment into Martha Stewart's dream pad for someone he doesn't even live with.

Are you saying that us men should not make an effort just because we don't live with someone? As that's ridiculous.

When my ex used to visit and stay at mine, I always spent an hour beforehand cleaning the whole place, wiping all the dust, changing bedding, scrubbing the shower etc, every single time. It was done out of respect, nobody likes going to someone else's home and finding it dirty.

OP your 'boyfriend' clearly does not value you enough if he can't even put in some effort to clean his place knowing you are coming. Time to reconsider if this is the best you can do.

Edited March 13, 2022 by Sun Seeker

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

Are you saying that us men should not make an effort just because we don't live with someone? As that's ridiculous.

No, not at all.

This seems to be your conclusion.

It would be unfair to blame a boyfriend for not changing his behavior, in my opinion.

It's his house, after all.

3 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

When my ex used to visit and stay at mine, I always spent an hour beforehand cleaning the whole place, wiping all the dust, changing bedding, scrubbing the shower etc, every single time. It was done out of respect, nobody likes going to someone else's home and finding it dirty.

OP your 'boyfriend' clearly does not value you enough if he can't even put in some effort to clean his place knowing you are coming. Time to reconsider if this is the best you can do.

In truth, we don't know if he's depressed or just apathetic or what the reason is. I cannot see the harm if she feels it's a worthwhile conversation rather than simply "dumping" him considering the good things she says she likes about him.  Who gives a rats tail about messiness - what’s really important in life? What's more important: having everything in its place or being able to live your life with the person you love, no matter what?

All of us have some quirk (or big!) that isn't a good fit for us.

It is the imperfection you accept as the cost of entering into an intimate relationship with someone who is as flawed and imperfect as you are.

My ex (one of the most decent and caring men I ever dated) from my early twenties and I dated wasn't the neatest either, but he eventually cleaned up on his own after a while. In fact, he enjoyed it. But I didn't expect him to become some cleaning maverick from the start. 

Nevertheless, I agree that a big part of relationships is accepting your partner for who he or she is. Commitment based on the expectation of change can destroy appreciation.

It's just that preferences and core values often conflict. Core values being things like career/religion/ideology/drugs/cheating. 

When the latter is the case, she will be better off just moving on.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with simply ending it.  

Yes. It's amazing that people don't cut their losses sooner and get entrenched in trying to accept the unacceptable and fix the unfixable.

There would be a lot less broken hearts if people walked away when it was early and adopted a "what you see is what you get" mindset when first dating.

 

[dramafreezone]

Eh, guys keeping a messy living space is more common than people think.  But most guys are going to at least clean up if they're expecting company.  The fact that he doesn't even want to put forth that minimal effort is the red flag.

[dramafreezone]

On 3/12/2022 at 5:39 PM, Alpaca said:

Most likely, a guy with a backbone will never transform his apartment into Martha Stewart's dream pad for someone he doesn't even live with.

 

Eh, well there should at least be efforts made to dust, do the dishes, Febreeze/deodorize (if this stuff is not regularly done) if he wants to ever have her over again.  I'm not the neatest guy in the world but I know to do all of that at the least, or hire a cleaning person.   Guys have to make an effort to have at least a presentable living space, but that's for anyone coming over, not just a romantic visitor.

Edited March 14, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

On 3/11/2022 at 11:50 AM, Annabanna said:

The sofa smells bad, dirty, sickly unwashed smell. I dried my hands on my jeans when I went to the bathroom. The towels honestly look like they have never been washed, just hung over the radiator to dry. Floor has never seen a mop. The kitchen was thick with dust and greece. He made me lunch and I really had to force it down. 

This goes way beyond messiness and not being neat or tidy.  Like WAY beyond. 

I agree about the lack of effort indicating he doesn't give a *, but beside that, anyone who cares about their health would be concerned and completely turned off.

I could barely read it without feeling a bit sick just imagining it.

Don't try and change him, simply next him is my advice. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Haydn]

Also you can extend the wear time of 'Budgie smugglers' by turning them inside out.

So a friend told me.

But yes, not nice. 

[dramafreezone]

OP, how old is this guy?

I was a complete slob until age 30 or so.  It's something I grew out of (and maybe some degree of depression had something to do with it), but I'll never be one that can make a "Martha Stewart dream pad" as someone else said.  So it may be a maturity/mental health issue as well.

Edited March 14, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

So it may be a maturity/mental health issue as well.

Does it really matter the reason? 

This isn't a LTR wherein he just recently turned into a slob.

And if he were depressed, it would be showing up in other areas (which from what the OP has posted, it hasn't), not just how he maintains (or doesn't maintain) his living area. 

My take is he's simply lazy and didn't care to make an effort before OP arrived.  

In any event, the OP hasn't returned so hopefully she's figured this out. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Eh, well there should at least be efforts made to dust, do the dishes, Febreeze/deodorize (if this stuff is not regularly done) if he wants to ever have her over again.  I'm not the neatest guy in the world but I know to do all of that at the least, or hire a cleaning person.   Guys have to make an effort to have at least a presentable living space, but that's for anyone coming over, not just a romantic visitor.

I hear you. I always do with mine. 

At this rate, I'm kind of feeling like this is a drive-by at this point since OP hasn't been back to post. 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Alpaca