How do I date a 'good person' after a toxic relationship?

[Lauriebell82]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Lauriebell82your entire post was amazing, and I applaud your honesty for admitting you're attracted to chaotic relationships.

It's not an easy thing to admit! 

I was also, and like you I still struggle, but with each new relationship with a good guy it gets better. 

I find balance works best, a nice guy but with an "edge."  I found that with my current guy, and it's working.  Still early stages though, so we'll see. 

Anyway, just wanted to say I loved your post and hope it helps the OP and inspires her to make the right decision (for her) moving forward. 

Thank you! I too like the nice edgy guys. Which is very much my boyfriend. Over the years I have become more “realistic” though in realizing nobody is “perfect” and everyone has flaws that you have to contend with. This comes down to me. 
 

I went through and read the rest of the posts (I apologize, I did not read every single post earlier, now I am caught up). I too read “Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”! Good book! 
 

Few things for OP: despite knowing this man for 9 months, you are only on the 2nd date. So he may be a “good guy” but not the right boyfriend for you or just a bad boyfriend in general. You have yet to find that out since you are only on the 2nd date. I can read it in the way you describe him, like he’s the answer to everything and lightening just hit you. That is problematic on sooo many levels. A man cannot, I repeat cannot be the answer to your prayers. If you want ANY chance of having of having a healthy relationship the work first and foremost has to come from you and not from who you are dating. 
 

I think poppyfields said it earlier but unavailable people tend to attract each other so you need to work on turning yourself “available” in order to attract someone available too. I know this is all very hard to hear and wrap your head around. Trust me it took me a very long time to fathom the idea that I had to work to do and I couldnt just (conveniently)  blame it all on the guys I was dating or my ex husband. I think once you start to accept some responsibility for who you attract, the game with totally change for you! 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have discovered not long ago that being 'too alike' sometimes makes a boring relationship and therefore interferes with 'connecting' mentally and physically. I came across this man that was perfect for me on paper, like you and this guy, him and I shared the same interest, both worked in same field, etc etc. I 'forced' myself to like him, I wanted to like him, I told myself I shoud be with a man like him meaning quiet, stable, reliable.....but if that little invisible thing isn't there, it can't be forced. 

It depends… it’s great if you do have common interests and work in similar fields but it sometimes vacant be a problrm in compatibility for  a marriage. It depends on where the differences are that help to mesh living together

 

 

 

the other measuring stick— you don’t want to feel like you are dating your brother/sister.  I’ve datespd someone that reminded me of her. She dated someone that reads similar to me.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps start with a blank slate and fresh start? That means opening your mind and heart  to who someone is as an individual.

That is better than categorizing men with these labels and into these baskets such as "emotionally unavailable" vs "emotionally available", "toxic' vs "nontoxic" jerk vs nice guy, etc.

Why not simply view it as compatible (with you) or incompatible and attraction/chemistry or no chemistry?

 So far this man seems to "check boxes" but strangely you don't seem that attracted to him. 

Black and white/ good vs evil thinking does not encompass all the nuances and intangibles in finding that combination of chemistry and compatibility.

[NuevoYorko]

On 3/12/2022 at 8:52 AM, Hazel23 said:

You are totally and completely wrong. Slow way down? From what? 

Last month, you were still in a long term relationship.  Going on a date and becoming exclusive immediately - lightening speed right there.

 I don't know what "EUM" stands for, but it doesn't really matter - it's healthy to start dating new people with a clean slate and an open mind.   Please don't take it personally or be defensive.  Almost anyone who has recently been through a breakup will get similar advice not to jump right into a new relationship.  Of course there are exceptions where it works out,  but the general wisdom tells us to not go from one immediately into the next.  This is because most of us probably have things to work on within ourselves that we'd be better off not to carry forward into a new relationship.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't know what "EUM" stands for, but it doesn't really matter.

Agree. These labels indicate too much focus on looking for Imagined pop-psychology defects rather than realizing someone is simply not that into you.

Unfortunately and ironically this blinds you to what is really going on right in front of you.

[Lauriebell82]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps start with a blank slate and fresh start? That means opening your mind and heart  to who someone is as an individual.

That is better than categorizing men with these labels and into these baskets such as "emotionally unavailable" vs "emotionally available", "toxic' vs "nontoxic" jerk vs nice guy, etc.

Why not simply view it as compatible (with you) or incompatible and attraction/chemistry or no chemistry?

 So far this man seems to "check boxes" but strangely you don't seem that attracted to him. 

Black and white/ good vs evil thinking does not encompass all the nuances and intangibles in finding that combination of chemistry and compatibility.

I would tend to agree, but when you are talking about someone with codependency issues such as OP then these terms are very important. Unfortunately codependents dont recognize or understand who they attract (they think they attract decent guys and fail to recognize red flags or just flat out ignore them) so these “labels” and categories are actually important to BEGIN to recognize who to stay away from and who is safe. I know this sounds weird, but its not to someone who deals with this on a day to day basis. 
 

Codependents also go from one relationship to another without proper healing time and then attract exactly what they dont want as a result of rushing in too fast. Which is what OP doesnt see happening. Its a very complex problem and takes a great deal of work to overcome.

[Wiseman2]

There's 4 groups of men.

1. Those interested in you

2. Those not interested in you.

3. Those you are interested in

4. Those you are uninterested in.

 So that narrows things down to focus only on 1+ 3.

All the other self-help terminology won't help and muddles things because you won't be aware of the most important thing which is mutually interest as the start point..

[Kamille]

I knew my boyfriend for a year before we started dating, so I understand why you feel that you know enough about your date to know he's a catch. I had a crush on my guy the whole year, one that kept increasing precisely because he is such a great guy. 

So yes, I believe that you know the qualities of your date. 

What is now within your control is how much breathing room you give yourself.

It sounds like you feel an obligation to make this guy a priority after two dates. Why? It's like you're applying extra pressure to the situation. Your priority should be yourself, doing things you enjoy so that dating him doesn't become the center of your life too quickly. This way, you won't kill the potential for a flame to develop.

You also don't owe him anything. He's a great guy, sure, but it doesn't mean you automatically have to make things work with him. Just ease back on yourself and enjoy getting to know him romantically. If you're having fun and enjoying yourself, keep going. If your doubts overtake the process, end things and move on. There will be other great guys out there. 

 

 

 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Kamille