Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) I was dating an emotionally unavailable man for the last 9 mos (who was also very manipulative) but I finally dumped him a few weeks ago (right after my last post) after he blew me off for the last time. When I told him I was leaving him, he didn't care and didn't try to stop me, all he said was "sorry I hurt you." His cold indifference was enough to break the spell. I feel nothing for him anymore. While I was licking my wounds, a miracle happened, and I met a UNICORN! A handsome, kind, consistent, sensitive, financially stable, honest, age-appropriate man with character and integrity who wants all the same things as me. Basically, the whole package. The dilemma? Since he isn't a DOG, and is very vocal about his interest in me, I am not weak in the knees or feeling that toxic chemistry that always lures me in. To me, this is a GOOD sign! This is a wonderful man before me, and I want to be with him. I'm struggling because I don't have that angsty obsession. My connection with this fellow is actually very calm and stable which is why I want to give my best to this guy who DESERVES It. I would love to hear from those who have a history of dating jerks, and how they finally broke the pattern and loved a deserving person who's trying so hard to impress and court. Does anyone have any advice, or books that speak to reconditioning oneself to be attracted to, and bond with, the "good guy"? Edited March 11, 2022 by Hazel23 1
glows Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 I’m really happy to hear this. Just take it slow and see how things go. There’s no need to overdo anything or rush things. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 Just because he's great doesn't mean you are helpless. You keep some of your guard up. You see if he reciprocates. When he doesn't you pause things. You remind yourself that just because he seems like a great guy doesn't mean you two are compatible. So you keep an awareness that he might not be a good fit. And this: You can be a little paranoid and hesitant with new guy. He won't run at the first sign of your pain. BTW: the lesson here is to get yourself out of bad relationships quickly because they can create lingering damage and pain. So go out there and enjoy yourself while keeping your eyes open and speaking your mind. Great guy can't read your mind and you shouldn't expect him to. So speak up for what you want in the relationship, what you prefer, speak up about musical tastes, hobbies, outings you prefer, food you like, values, and the like. As long as you keep in mind that your goal isn't to mesh with him or disappear into him, you're fine! Your goal is to be a good version of yourself and SEE if he can bring a good version of himself and if the twain shall meet. 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 Was you ex “perfect” at the beginning too? Or was he always a jerk? Butterflies, intense chemistry etc. are meaningless when it comes to a long term relationship. Follow your core values. Live like the person you want to be. Don’t chase feelings. 1
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 Just let him know you need time to heal from your last encounter, and that you want to be emotionally ready before things progress more seriously. 1
stillafool Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 So you know he's a good guy but don't feel any type of passion for him? You can't force those feelings and chances are they will never come. Don't get with him hoping your feelings will grow because that isn't fair to him. There is a woman out there who will love him passionately so leave him be and continue your search for the right man. Maybe you need to be alone for a while so you will appreciate when a good man comes your way. 1
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: How long have you been dating the new man? We're going on our second date tonight.
flitzanu Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 just because a guy is better than a worse ex boyfriend doesn't necessarily make the guy "perfect" 1
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, stillafool said: So you know he's a good guy but don't feel any type of passion for him? You can't force those feelings and chances are they will never come. Don't get with him hoping your feelings will grow because that isn't fair to him. There is a woman out there who will love him passionately so leave him be and continue your search for the right man. Maybe you need to be alone for a while so you will appreciate when a good man comes your way. A good man has already come my way, and I DO appreciate him which is why I made this post. And as far as that woman who is going to love him passionately, that woman is going to be me. We want all of the same things, we are compatible across the board, and I do find him attractive but don't burn in the loins for him, which maybe is normal in a healthy relationship, IDK. What I do know, is that in the past I've equated "passion" with being weak in the knees or otherwise obsessed with the guy but it's only because he's sending mixed signals and challenging me, making me wait around, keeping me off balance... I've come to know that the "spark" is actually anxiety, for me. So, now I have something healthy, and I like this nice guy. I enjoy being around him, but no, I'm not beside myself over him, he's not on my mind constantly. There's no element of danger, so no anxiety, in fact it's the opposite, it's a connection that makes me feel safe and valued and respected. It's just feels like unchartered territory because he's not playing games and triggering my adrenaline, so it does feel boring in that sense. But, I'm no fool! I can recognize a good, quality partner when he's right in front of me. The lack of passion towards him is my issue to resolve but that doesn't mean it can't grow. I feel like we could make a life together. We both seem perfect for each other, tbh. I feel like the way I experience chemistry and attraction has been compromised by the toxic relationships of my past. Since I met this man though, I've been trying to remind myself that I deserve the love of a healthy, happy partner and to not reject it. I deserve to receive love as I give it, and not think that there is some game happening that I'm not aware of. I'm trying to banish that it's-too-good-to-be-true thinking. I'm jst trying to recondition my brain to recognize, accept, and grow in healthy attachment and love. I was asking the forum for books to read or tips on how to change my perspective and get EXCITED about this guy. Edited March 11, 2022 by Hazel23
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 16 minutes ago, flitzanu said: just because a guy is better than a worse ex boyfriend doesn't necessarily make the guy "perfect" I agree, but we are really compatible in all the ways it matters. We have the same values and life goals. We have similar temperaments, and interests. We have the same views of what makes a healthy relationship and share the same love languages. We both take care of ourselves, eat right, exercise, we are both fit and have similar philosophies on a myriad of topics. He's a handsome man, and I'm not a schlepp so there is also a mutual physical attraction, which is important to me. I find myself cringing at his thoughtfulness and attentiveness, though. It's probably a self-esteem issue I have and need to build myself up again so that kind and respectful gestures from this man aren't taken for granted by me.
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: Just let him know you need time to heal from your last encounter, and that you want to be emotionally ready before things progress more seriously. Good advice. I did tell him that my views of healthy relationships may be warped due to the neglect I've experienced in the past. He's patient and understanding though. He tries to soothe my insecurities and fears by being consistent and caring. Truly, he's a great man which is why I'm trying to learn how to heal the parts of me that would prevent me from being a good partner for him in return.
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Was you ex “perfect” at the beginning too? Or was he always a jerk? Butterflies, intense chemistry etc. are meaningless when it comes to a long term relationship. Follow your core values. Live like the person you want to be. Don’t chase feelings. My ex was always very good to me in person, but we only saw each other once a week and sometimes not even that. He just never made time for me, or made me a priority. There was always something more important that he had to do, which was a red flag I noticed early on. I felt like an exclusive FWB but I chose to keep going with him because he said this was all he "had time for right now". He was incredibly manipulative and had all kinds of excuses for his behavior, and I continued to forgive....which ultimately led to me being strung along and played as a fool for 9 mos before I finally left him. Edited March 11, 2022 by Hazel23
glows Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 30 minutes ago, Hazel23 said: A good man has already come my way, and I DO appreciate him which is why I made this post. And as far as that woman who is going to love him passionately, that woman is going to be me. We want all of the same things, we are compatible across the board, and I do find him attractive but don't burn in the loins for him, which maybe is normal in a healthy relationship, IDK. What I do know, is that in the past I've equated "passion" with being weak in the knees or otherwise obsessed with the guy but it's only because he's sending mixed signals and challenging me, making me wait around, keeping me off balance... I've come to know that the "spark" is actually anxiety, for me. So, now I have something healthy, and I like this nice guy. I enjoy being around him, but no, I'm not beside myself over him, he's not on my mind constantly. There's no element of danger, so no anxiety, in fact it's the opposite, it's a connection that makes me feel safe and valued and respected. It's just feels like unchartered territory because he's not playing games and triggering my adrenaline, so it does feel boring in that sense. But, I'm no fool! I can recognize a good, quality partner when he's right in front of me. The lack of passion towards him is my issue to resolve but that doesn't mean it can't grow. I feel like we could make a life together. We both seem perfect for each other, tbh. I feel like the way I experience chemistry and attraction has been compromised by the toxic relationships of my past. Since I met this man though, I've been trying to remind myself that I deserve the love of a healthy, happy partner and to not reject it. I deserve to receive love as I give it, and not think that there is some game happening that I'm not aware of. I'm trying to banish that it's-too-good-to-be-true thinking. I'm jst trying to recondition my brain to recognize, accept, and grow in healthy attachment and love. I was asking the forum for books to read or tips on how to change my perspective and get EXCITED about this guy. My dear one, you do sound excited about him. Look at this thread. 2
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: My dear one, you do sound excited about him. Look at this thread. Awww, I guess so, huh? I'm seeing him again tonight. I'm feeling hopeful. 2
glows Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 Just now, Hazel23 said: Awww, I guess so, huh? I'm seeing him again tonight. I'm feeling hopeful. Enjoy. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 I have to tell you this: you don't know him. One date so far? I'm sorry: you don't know him. You know you like a lot about him based on first meeting and presumably some texts or talks, but you cannot know if this guy is right for you after one date. So that's part of your problem, I think. You are committing to this guy way before you have enough information. Do you know what his family is like? Do you know how much debt he has? Do you know what his flaws are? Can you work with those flaws? Is he good when you're not feeling well? When you're sick? Do you enjoy taking care of him when he's sick? What addictive tendencies might he have? You know enough to want to go on a second date. Stay there. Go on the second date, with the understanding that you really only want to figure out if you want to go on a third date. You're jumping way way ahead of things based on first impressions. I know what I'm urging is hard. I'm saying no, you cannot fully trust the first feelings of infatuation and perfection and him being wonderful and all of that. And you're overlooking that people can fake it for a good while--and they do this consciously and unconsciously. So it doesn't mean they're scamming. They're just presenting their very very best side. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 20 minutes ago, Hazel23 said: He tries to soothe my insecurities and fears by being consistent and caring. Enjoy getting to know him. Make sure you focus on building your own relationship with him, not on past damage or needing to be handled with kid gloves.
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Enjoy getting to know him. Make sure you focus on building your own relationship with him, not on past damage or needing to be handled with kid gloves. I agree with this^^^, it's not his job to sooth or reinforce security, and in a way that isn't really healthy for him to do that....could turn into a codependency situation. Healthy is him being himself, and you working on things on your own. 2
poppyfields Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) Hazel, I’ve experienced what you did with your ex – those angsty, anxious, off balance feelings when you are constantly missing and longing for your 'unavailable' boyfriend. Followed by a big adrenaline rush, a high, a euphoria, and crazy passion when he does make contact and you get together. Those extreme highs and lows CAN be quite addictive and keep you hooked in for a long time. It takes a lot of strength to break away from it so give yourself credit for that. You now seek something different, something and someone more stable and safe. Peaceful. So now you’ve found it/him BUT the crazy passion isn’t there, there is no euphoria, none of those great highs! To me, it’s a trade off. I say that because you will never feel that crazy high with this man, the type of passion you had with your ex, because that type of passion is typically associated with “longing” which is craving what you don’t have. Versus “loving” which is appreciating and cherishing what you do have. I think you need to decide what’s more important to you -- the crazy weak in the knees passion, the highs you experienced with “longing” for an emotionally unavailable man OR the comfort and safety you experience with “loving” a man. A man who is emotionally present, stable and safe, the man you're with now. It sounds like you have already decided but you’re questioning it. My advice is DON'T. Embrace it. Enjoy it! Consider yourself very lucky to have found it. Edited March 11, 2022 by poppyfields 2
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) 52 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I have to tell you this: you don't know him. One date so far? I'm sorry: you don't know him. You know you like a lot about him based on first meeting and presumably some texts or talks, but you cannot know if this guy is right for you after one date. So that's part of your problem, I think. You are committing to this guy way before you have enough information. Do you know what his family is like? Do you know how much debt he has? Do you know what his flaws are? Can you work with those flaws? Is he good when you're not feeling well? When you're sick? Do you enjoy taking care of him when he's sick? What addictive tendencies might he have? You know enough to want to go on a second date. Stay there. Go on the second date, with the understanding that you really only want to figure out if you want to go on a third date. You're jumping way way ahead of things based on first impressions. I know what I'm urging is hard. I'm saying no, you cannot fully trust the first feelings of infatuation and perfection and him being wonderful and all of that. And you're overlooking that people can fake it for a good while--and they do this consciously and unconsciously. So it doesn't mean they're scamming. They're just presenting their very very best side. Well, we actually met about 9 mos ago and had some conversations but only now have begun dating. We've discussed many of the topics you mentioned above and I feel pretty confident that there are no glaring red flags, atm. Still, the only way to really get to know someone is to spend time together which is what we're trying to do. I'm leaving soon to meet him for our 2nd date (we are about an hour apart, and meeting halfway this afternoon). He's been in touch briefly every day since our 1st meeting last weekend. On paper, in this moment, the guy checks all the boxes, but I'm not delusional. We still have a lot to learn about one another. But, because he is a "nice guy" and not a f boy, it's causing that apprehension in me. Toxic relationships change the way we are attracted to and experience chemistry with healthy, secure individuals. I don't feel the spark! We've both expressed interest in seeing where this goes, and after we spend enough quality time together we'll have the answer as to whether or not we're compatible long term. In the meantime, I'm looking for some resources to help me encourage my connection to "a nice guy" and reiterate to myself that the spark, intense chemistry, and the butterflies are all just warning signs best left unpursued. A calm, stable "boring" connection with shared interests, goals, and values, is actually the stuff that lifelong partnerships are built on. Screw the initial passion and all that. Passion can grow. I want to share a life with someone I respect, and can trust. I just need to learn how to recognize the attachment as healthy and good for me, and quit cringing at his romantic gestures. Edited March 11, 2022 by Hazel23 1
poppyfields Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hazel23 said: We're going on our second date tonight. Shoot, I just read this! Hazel, slow down. You don't know him. How could you after one date? There are lots of men who "present" well in the beginning but then once they "have" you, do a complete 180. I'm not saying this man will do that, but be cautious, prudent, while remaining positive and hopeful. History has a way of repeating itself until one fully heals. Bottom line is he may be just as emotionally unavailable as your ex. It's too soon to know. I just read you're meeting him for second date. Enjoy, have fun and keep us posted! Edited March 11, 2022 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted March 11, 2022 Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) Hazel, you mentioned you're looking for a good resource to help you navigate your conflicting feelings. One that I recommend is "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue She also has a website or used to, not sure if it's still active. Both the book and website have helped me a lot. Good luck! Edited March 11, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Hazel, you mentioned you're looking for a good resource to help you navigate your conflicting feelings. One that I recommend is "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue She also has a website, both the book and website have helped me a lot. Good luck! Thank you! Another one is How to Love a Nice Guy by Dr. Judith Kuriansky. I just picked it up and hope it helps me fix my chemistry gauge.
Author Hazel23 Posted March 11, 2022 Author Posted March 11, 2022 44 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hazel, I’ve experienced what you did with your ex – those angsty, anxious, off balance feelings when you are constantly missing and longing for your 'unavailable' boyfriend. Followed by a big adrenaline rush, a high, a euphoria, and crazy passion when he does make contact and you get together. Those extreme highs and lows CAN be quite addictive and keep you hooked in for a long time. It takes a lot of strength to break away from it so give yourself credit for that. You now seek something different, something and someone more stable and safe. Peaceful. So now you’ve found it/him BUT the crazy passion isn’t there, there is no euphoria, none of those great highs! To me, it’s a trade off. I say that because you will never feel that crazy high with this man, the type of passion you had with your ex, because that type of passion is typically associated with “longing” which is craving what you don’t have. Versus “loving” which is appreciating and cherishing what you do have. I think you need to decide what’s more important to you -- the crazy weak in the knees passion, the highs you experienced with “longing” for an emotionally unavailable man OR the comfort and safety you experience with “loving” a man. A man who is emotionally present, stable and safe, the man you're with now. It sounds like you have already decided but you’re questioning it. My advice is DON'T. Embrace it. Enjoy it! Consider yourself very lucky to have found it. You nailed it and articulated my situation much better than I did. Thank you for taking the time.
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