I am me and won't change for no one

[Alvi]

Does this logic works when it comes to dating?

I've been scrolling though on-line profiles and saw this line  in the profile title. I looked at the profile and the gentleman in question is in his late 40th, stays that he wants a long term relationship and to get married,  but the longest relationship that he had is 2 years.  Oh, make sense, if someone is unwilling to change and compromise, no wonder he or she cannot maintain a long term relationship.

In the past, I made tons of compromises and changes in order to please my partner. To be fair, in my healthier, more stable relationships, my ex-partners were making compromises and changes to please me as well. So, it goes both ways in a relationship, give or take. I think that the flexibility both ways is the key to a successful relationship. 

But I wonder if I am wrong? Can you truly honestly stay the way you are and no change or compromises are needed? Or that would make another person just frustrated and wanting to end things? The older you get, the harder it is to change your habit. But my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run? I am not saying that you need to change absolutely everything about yourself just to please your partner, no, not at all. There are some things and hobbies that I am unwilling to change for anybody.  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

Do people who are unwilling to at least consider a compromise make a good relationship material?

I am brainstorming and would like to hear your opinions on this subject.

Edited March 10, 2022 by Alvi

[glows]

It reads as if he’s still living under the cloud of a previous relationship where there were irreconcilable differences. He’s not over her yet or the issues they faced. Better to move to the next match. 

Regardless of whether change is necessary (I think it is), it’s important to keep profiles neutral and open. I wouldn’t spend time on this one. 

[Alvi]

Just now, glows said:

It reads as if he’s still living under the cloud of a previous relationship where there were irreconcilable differences. He’s not over her yet or the issues they faced. Better to move to the next match. 

Oh, gosh, no, I am not planning on contacting him. He sounds way too negative for me. Was just curious if he might actually be right.

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Does this logic works when it comes to dating?

I've been scrolling though on-line profiles and saw this line  in the profile title. I looked at the profile and the gentleman in question is in his late 40th, stays that he wants a long term relationship and to get married,  but the longest relationship that he had is 2 years.  Oh, make sense, if someone is unwilling to change and compromise, no wonder he or she cannot maintain a long term relationship.

In the past, I made tons of compromises and changes in order to please my partner. To be fair, in my healthier, more stable relationships, my ex-partners were making compromises and changes to please me as well. So, it goes both ways in a relationship, give or take. I think that the flexibility both ways is the key to a successful relationship. 

But I wonder if I am wrong? Can you truly honestly stay the way you are and no change or compromises are needed? Or that would make another person just frustrated and wanting to end things? The older you get, the harder it is to change your habit. But my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run? I am not saying that you need to change absolutely everything about yourself just to please your partner, no, not at all. There are some things and hobbies that I am unwilling to change for anybody.  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

Do people who are unwilling to at least consider a compromise make a good relationship material?

I am brainstorming and would like to hear your opinions on this subject.

Only going 2 yrs diesnt mean anything.  Don’t know why it’s only been 2 yrs

 

1 does he transfer a lot fir work/ career?

2. Two year mark might be a point he says if this is someone I marry? If no then it’s over.

 

i has nothing about change and compromise.

 

im around his age and I’ve been married before.  There are certain things/ interests I have that I’m not giving up in a relationship and I’m not changing things in it.  I’d rather find someone who shares that and fits into my life.  
 

must because I don’t say I’m interested in X doesn't mean I won’t be . There are some things you generally do as a couple that you don’t do alone or I’m unfamiliar with it and do t know where to start.

[SumGuy]

Simply a matter of degree and what one would need to change.  I'm happy to add soy milk into my shopping routine, that's a change but give up my favorite hobby, nope.

I'd say it depends a lot on the context in which he said it, but still a foolish thing to put in ones profile.  It's like listing a litany of all the past wrongs done you in relationships.

I'd say a better tactic is not to be negative but be positive.  Let your freak flag fly, so to speak, and just put out their the thing you love that has caused issues in the past.  That will at least put off and filter out some of those you don't want.  Been there, done that.  It really helps.

It's also not like if you meet someone they are going to say yes, I will attempt to change you.  Even if they will it's rare they will admit it.

On the larger question, of course flexibility (within bounds) is key in any long term relationship.  Those bounds are your deal-breakers, they differ for everyone.  I guess the more deal breakers you have and the less substantive they are, the more you will struggle to have a long lasting relationship.   Pick carefully the hills you are willing to die on.

[Ami1uwant]

Also what does compromise actually mean?  It’s very weighted.

 

im not changing my diet to be vegan/ vegatarian 

im not changing my style of dress. I’m not a suit and tie guy.  I can do a nice dinner on a rare occasion but doing that weekly…@#$& no.

im not religious so I’m not going to church

 

 

 

[flitzanu]

40 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Does this logic works when it comes to dating?

I've been scrolling though on-line profiles and saw this line  in the profile title. I looked at the profile and the gentleman in question is in his late 40th, stays that he wants a long term relationship and to get married,  but the longest relationship that he had is 2 years.  Oh, make sense, if someone is unwilling to change and compromise, no wonder he or she cannot maintain a long term relationship.

In the past, I made tons of compromises and changes in order to please my partner. To be fair, in my healthier, more stable relationships, my ex-partners were making compromises and changes to please me as well. So, it goes both ways in a relationship, give or take. I think that the flexibility both ways is the key to a successful relationship. 

But I wonder if I am wrong? Can you truly honestly stay the way you are and no change or compromises are needed? Or that would make another person just frustrated and wanting to end things? The older you get, the harder it is to change your habit. But my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run? I am not saying that you need to change absolutely everything about yourself just to please your partner, no, not at all. There are some things and hobbies that I am unwilling to change for anybody.  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

Do people who are unwilling to at least consider a compromise make a good relationship material?

I am brainstorming and would like to hear your opinions on this subject.

this seems pretty simple.

the person in the profile "isn't willing to change" and doesn't make it past 2 years in relationships, and you're asking if that actually works or is a valid feasible way to work.

you say you change and compromise to please partners, so you're kind of the opposite side of the person in the profile, who can't maintain relationships, and you want to know if it works to be unwilling to change.

you, the one willing to change and compromise, are you in a steady long term relationship past 2 years that is currently working, by using your behaviour versus the person in the profile that you think is negative and weird?

 

[smackie9]

Does it say he is unwilling to change or is this your own assumption?

[Weezy1973]

Compromise is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. But compromise doesn’t mean changing who you are. It’s more about each partner wanting happiness for the other. As long as that’s the case, compromise is relatively easy. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run?  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

It seems like a red flag and reeks of major baggage.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're right to read this as a red flag, because there's clearly a lot of pain and anger (and a very narrow interpretation of things) implied in his line.

I am me and I won't change for no one. Well let's see. Life sometimes encourages us (forces us) to change. People become parents. They have to change from staying up late at night. You have to change to focus on the children. 

Sometimes we want to change, change can be good. A new partner shows us a new way to be in the world. We might trust them more than we've trusted anyone in the past. We might try out a new hobby. 

Close friends of mine were academic stars and nerdy and played no sports. The kind of people who were picked up for not being athetic. Their daughter became an amazing tennis player. They had a blast developing an interest in tennis and in supporting their daughter and going to her matches and learning the game and interacting with other parents and on and on. Did they change because of someone else? Well yes, but they were happy to make this change. Maybe development is the better word here.

I knew an older couple where the man changed a lot ... after his wife twice chased him out of the house. One time with a knife. She said he was rude to all of her friends and chased them away. He changed not because of the violence but because the violence made him understand how angry and unhappy his wife was. (I'm not endorsing violence here.) Did he change for his wife? Well yes. Did he change for himself? Well yes again, because he wanted to remain married to this woman, and he also wanted to be less of a jerk.

This guy's line is the mindset of a teenager. 

People change all the time under pressure, and (often) later come to so appreciate the change! And come to admit that they wouldn't have made the positive change without pressure. 

You negotiate when it comes to doing what you don't want to do in a relationship. Negotiate with yourself (is this worth it to me?) and negotiate with the other person, who likely also has to make some changes for best result in the relationship. 

[chillii]

The proof's in the pudding really l mean that age and the longest thing was only 2yrs. Sounds like my brother , same age and the longest has only been 2yrs too. When we talk he's so single minded it's always been pretty obvious why he's never had something work. l noticed back in the day a lot of women said stuff like that too and had about the same record.There's always compromises and changes even if only small or they don't even realize, they're there. l've heard people deny it but l look at their marriage and you bet they have .

ps, on another note, ls saying on their page " he is looking for long term and marriage" , a turn off or?   l actually looked for that myself in any women l was interested in back in the day. l wanted that she was only interested in something real and for life. But l always got the feeling that a man saying that in this crazy day and age was going to be all twisted up into he's desperate , or he's gonna wanna dive into just anything , or yada yada yada , and it'd scare women off. l might've been wrong but that was just a vibe l use to get from reading women's thinking on their profiles.

Edited March 10, 2022 by chillii

[poppyfields]

>> I won't change for no one...

Nevermind what it meant, I'd pass simply based on poor grammar! 

Automatic deal breaker for me right off the bat. 

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[divegrl]

I hear you friend. I was always the one to compromise on everything. This was my fault, I chose partners who were either not compatible or did not want to make any of their own compromises.

 

This is why I think it’s so important to be compatible with you partner; then neither of you is having to make big huge compromises… which I think leads to a lot of resentment. 
 

With my current partner, we align with our core values. The rest we just accept the other person for who they are.

Hopes this helps!

 

 

[Gaeta]

Who l am cannot be changed but my habits can be, my perception of certain things can change, l can adapt to different situations, but all this is not "changing me".

When l was single for almost 10 years, l remember people around me saying getting back into a relationhip would be too hard for me as after so long l must be set in my ways. A relationship arrived and l felt right into it with ease because it's in my nature to be flexible, and to accomodate.

I have a lady friend who's been single probably 20 years. She has occasionnal boyfriends but it never last longer than 2 months. She doesn't want to change herself she says but what she doesn't want to change is her routine and her little habits.  If having dinner an hour later than usual to accommodate your boyfriend is something you hate and resent,  then l agree you should not change and you should not have a boyfriend either.

[dramafreezone]

There's a subtext to that type of talk; they mean they won't change for people that they don't care much about.

If you meet someone that genuinely knocks your socks off, stirs your emotions and presses your buttons, a lot of those rules about what you won't do for someone else go right out of the window.

It's the logic vs emotion tug-of-war.  Everyone can speak to what they will and won't do when there's not an emotional attachment to someone.  The test of that only comes when there *is* an emotional attachment, when you actually care deeply about someone.

[Els]

I've been with my husband for 13 years and I've not changed the way I am. However, I think it's possible that we have different definitions of that term.

To me, "changing how I am" implies changing my core principles, boundaries, and personality traits. I won't (and have not) changed these. That doesn't mean that I have never compromised or made changes to my behaviour or words - it just means that I have never compromised on these core things. Compromises to some degree are necessary IMO in a LTR, although I would also say that you shouldn't be having to make "a ton" of them in a good relationship with a compatible person.

FWIW, my H has the same boundaries - he won't be with a partner who can't accept him for who he is. Seeing eye to eye on this is one of the components of our compatibility.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

There's a subtext to that type of talk; they mean they won't change for people that they don't care much about.

If you meet someone that genuinely knocks your socks off, stirs your emotions and presses your buttons, a lot of those rules about what you won't do for someone else go right out of the window.

It's the logic vs emotion tug-of-war.  Everyone can speak to what they will and won't do when there's not an emotional attachment to someone.  The test of that only comes when there *is* an emotional attachment, when you actually care deeply about someone.

This^ 1000%.  With particular attention to bolded.  I see it all the time, on line and in real.  

It's so easy to say we'd do this or that, speaking from our uninvolved logical brain, but like DFZ said, once our emotions are involved it's an entirely different story. 

The ability to be flexible is also extremely important.

My take on his comment was he's experienced women trying to change him, not accepting him for who he is but rather what they want him to be. 

So his comment was an attempt to circumvent that from happening. 

Sadly, it won't accomplish what he's after (women accepting him for who he is), he sounds bitter, a bit jaded and that's a turn off. 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[vla1120]

On 3/10/2022 at 1:33 PM, Alvi said:

Does this logic works when it comes to dating?

I've been scrolling though on-line profiles and saw this line  in the profile title. I looked at the profile and the gentleman in question is in his late 40th, stays that he wants a long term relationship and to get married,  but the longest relationship that he had is 2 years.  Oh, make sense, if someone is unwilling to change and compromise, no wonder he or she cannot maintain a long term relationship.

In the past, I made tons of compromises and changes in order to please my partner. To be fair, in my healthier, more stable relationships, my ex-partners were making compromises and changes to please me as well. So, it goes both ways in a relationship, give or take. I think that the flexibility both ways is the key to a successful relationship. 

But I wonder if I am wrong? Can you truly honestly stay the way you are and no change or compromises are needed? Or that would make another person just frustrated and wanting to end things? The older you get, the harder it is to change your habit. But my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run? I am not saying that you need to change absolutely everything about yourself just to please your partner, no, not at all. There are some things and hobbies that I am unwilling to change for anybody.  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

Do people who are unwilling to at least consider a compromise make a good relationship material?

I am brainstorming and would like to hear your opinions on this subject.

I think it depends on the issue where a partner might request a change. A person should not be willing (nor expected) to compromise on certain issues - like whether they want children, whether they are looking for someone with the same religious background, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. I understand being adamant about those issues. 

In other areas, however, people can and should be willing to be flexible - non-critical things like dinner time, watching a movie from a genre you don't normally watch, etc. I think most of us compromise on a daily basis in life whether in our jobs, familial or friendly relationships, etc. So, yes, declaring right out of the gate that he is inflexible without clarification would probably be a turn off for many. I think the vast majority understand that as soon as you put a woman (from Venus) and a man (from Mars) together, there will be an expectation of compromises from time to time. 

 

[chillii]

lt seems he was ahhh, trying to say, that he wasn't changing him and who he is and in that way of course that's fair enough you shouldn't have to. However a lot of attitude you see is moreso that they seem to think they aren't going to change anything, nothing, as in not even small habits or patterns ,things they might do and live single ,or times or some rubbish, ways. But you won't survive in a relationship expecting to live exactly as you did singular they're completely opposite lifestyles. You have two people and lives to work around, consider and to fit into things. Damn near impossible to do if one expects to still just live and do everything as they did single.

Edited March 11, 2022 by chillii

[Maldives]

On 3/11/2022 at 4:33 AM, Alvi said:

Does this logic works when it comes to dating?

I've been scrolling though on-line profiles and saw this line  in the profile title. I looked at the profile and the gentleman in question is in his late 40th, stays that he wants a long term relationship and to get married,  but the longest relationship that he had is 2 years.  Oh, make sense, if someone is unwilling to change and compromise, no wonder he or she cannot maintain a long term relationship.

In the past, I made tons of compromises and changes in order to please my partner. To be fair, in my healthier, more stable relationships, my ex-partners were making compromises and changes to please me as well. So, it goes both ways in a relationship, give or take. I think that the flexibility both ways is the key to a successful relationship. 

But I wonder if I am wrong? Can you truly honestly stay the way you are and no change or compromises are needed? Or that would make another person just frustrated and wanting to end things? The older you get, the harder it is to change your habit. But my way or highway is even healthy and works in a long run? I am not saying that you need to change absolutely everything about yourself just to please your partner, no, not at all. There are some things and hobbies that I am unwilling to change for anybody.  But how does it work if one person is that inflexible?

Do people who are unwilling to at least consider a compromise make a good relationship material?

I am brainstorming and would like to hear your opinions on this subject.

To me compromise is meeting half way. I think it's more on the goal front then character traits. If your lucky enough you will meet someone who has similar goals but if we were all exactly the same as our partner I'm not sure that would work either. It wouldn't challenge  us or our world view. We need to have a mirror put up in front of us from time to time to grow and evolve. I think what's key is both partners find the relationship important enough to work at it and put that front and centre. That's the only way I can see it working out long term. You both value the relationship enough to put it as 1st priority in your life 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Trail Blazer]

On 3/11/2022 at 10:06 AM, poppyfields said:

>> I won't change for no one...

Nevermind what it meant, I'd pass simply based on poor grammar! 

Automatic deal breaker for me right off the bat. 

 

Agreed!  But, I take it next level and even pick people up on omitted hyphens.  That's a deal-breaker for me, also!

[Trail Blazer]

OP:  What it boils down to for me is that every relationship requires compromise.  Changing yourself is not something that should be required to a huge level, as the person you're with should love you for who you are.

A good relationship is an easy one.  Easy relationships are ones where, for the most part, who the two people are aligns with each other's goals and values.

I've always sought to find someone who shares the same goals and social/political values as I, and ideally shares a few other common interests, as well as being at a similar stage in life (past the partying stage).

A good relationship is where two parties actively seek to meet in the middle, yet neither one feels like they're compromising too much of themselves in the process.  A fantastic relationship is where, the one who has to compromise over a particular issue, does so in support of the person's requirement.

As an example of compromise, my girlfriend moved in with me 10 months ago, and she's very health conscious with food.  She used to love eating junk food, but started a health kick and transformed her life with strict diet and exercise.  One of those ways she's helped discipline herself is to simply not have a lot of temptations around the house.

I can be bad at times, eating junk food and having snacks stockpiled in the pantry - especially when I work interstate for weeks on end and used to enjoy coming home and monching on a bag of Doritos without having to call past the shop from the airport.

Now, I could have said, "b!t<h please, you movin' in to muh home now... you gun' get used to how things are done 'round here or yo @$$ can hightail right back out dat door."

Instead, I love her for how disciplined she is and just how fit and healthy she is and recognized that what she brings to the table, which ultimately requires me to change, is actually something that would benfit me.

So, I accepted that if I want to eat Doritos, or Wendy's, or KFC or any other high-fat foods, I can still do this - I just won't do it in a way which might compromise or undermine my girlfriend's goals.  So, out went the Doritos and in came the quinoa, and my body tells me I'm much better for the change!

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

OP:  What it boils down to for me is that every relationship requires compromise.  Changing yourself is not something that should be required to a huge level, as the person you're with should love you for who you are.

A good relationship is an easy one.  Easy relationships are ones where, for the most part, who the two people are aligns with each other's goals and values.

I've always sought to find someone who shares the same goals and social/political values as I, and ideally shares a few other common interests, as well as being at a similar stage in life (past the partying stage).

A good relationship is where two parties actively seek to meet in the middle, yet neither one feels like they're compromising too much of themselves in the process.  A fantastic relationship is where, the one who has to compromise over a particular issue, does so in support of the person's requirement.

As an example of compromise, my girlfriend moved in with me 10 months ago, and she's very health conscious with food.  She used to love eating junk food, but started a health kick and transformed her life with strict diet and exercise.  One of those ways she's helped discipline herself is to simply not have a lot of temptations around the house.

I can be bad at times, eating junk food and having snacks stockpiled in the pantry - especially when I work interstate for weeks on end and used to enjoy coming home and monching on a bag of Doritos without having to call past the shop from the airport.

Now, I could have said, "b!t<h please, you movin' in to muh home now... you gun' get used to how things are done 'round here or yo @$$ can hightail right back out dat door."

Instead, I love her for how disciplined she is and just how fit and healthy she is and recognized that what she brings to the table, which ultimately requires me to change, is actually something that would benfit me.

So, I accepted that if I want to eat Doritos, or Wendy's, or KFC or any other high-fat foods, I can still do this - I just won't do it in a way which might compromise or undermine my girlfriend's goals.  So, out went the Doritos and in came the quinoa, and my body tells me I'm much better for the change!

That compromise is in general a small one.  If she said you also need to change your diet and be vegan you would think differently. 
 

i am allergic to most seafood. My allergies are not like peanut allergy exposure sone can have just in presence.  She could have shrimp fir dinner. I just ask her to not mix things if she was cooking like doing some one dish of shrimp mixed like a stir fry but instead cook it to near end . Let me take some stir fry out before mixing in the shrimp. Id have chicken with it.  If we were to go to a seafood place it must have something I can eat ( either meat dish’s or one of the seafood I can eat).  My allergy is something like going to the dentist and getting a numb mouth.  With my ex gf she liked sushi so id tell her we can go there but make sure it has other options on its menu.

 

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

That compromise is in general a small one.  If she said you also need to change your diet and be vegan you would think differently. 
 

i am allergic to most seafood. My allergies are not like peanut allergy exposure sone can have just in presence.  She could have shrimp fir dinner. I just ask her to not mix things if she was cooking like doing some one dish of shrimp mixed like a stir fry but instead cook it to near end . Let me take some stir fry out before mixing in the shrimp. Id have chicken with it.  If we were to go to a seafood place it must have something I can eat ( either meat dish’s or one of the seafood I can eat).  My allergy is something like going to the dentist and getting a numb mouth.  With my ex gf she liked sushi so id tell her we can go there but make sure it has other options on its menu.

 

For sure, it's a small compromise. 

My example was used to illustrate how compromises work when they're both non-radical and the other person is also willing to see the benefitels that can come about when adopting a different perspective.

It can be really challenging if someone has food allergies.  A buddy of mine's wife is celiac, so it makes it hard to cook and eat the same food. 

In saying that, my girlfriend is not vegan, but is vegetarian 90 percent of the time.  She won't try and force me to become vego, because she knows that's overstepping the boundaries.