We still contact each other, what should I do?

May 3, 2022

3 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

For sure, I'm so happy cus I got an A on all of them and only have more tonight!! And no, they're not against me dating - they liked my ex boyfriend - but with this guy, they never met him but they're not too fond of the fact that he's not in college, working multiple jobs and stuff like that. My mom doesn't approve because she thinks we're just repeating history (starting something when I have to go back to college in August) so she thinks it's pointless no matter how much he 'likes' me.

Some people look for summer flings or relationships, some company outside of the routine until something better comes along. The reality is you may feel more attached as time goes on and find it harder to make better decisions closer to the school term. Your mother probably doesn't want that issue and you being distracted, doing poorly or dropping out or being influenced by him if he starts telling you that you don't need to go to school anymore.

I wouldn't place too much importance on meeting with him. Flirt with him and whatever via phone and don't reply all the time. He'll take the hint and eventually go away or date someone else if he's sensible.

May 6, 2022

I'm updating because I'm upset and it isn't even because of him, but my mom. It's actually incredible how parents can be so damn hurtful sometimes.

On Monday he called me to hangout, but like I said I postponed it until after I'm finished with finals. Right now, he's in FL to get his sister from college and throughout the week he's been texting and calling me while he's down there but you know, since you guys gave me the advice to just let this one go because of my parents, I tried not to answer that much. But then he called me and left me this voicemail - i didn't write down everything cus it was a bit personal - but this was towards the end:

"Listen (my name), I want this to happen. I mean you must know that right, I kept trying with you while you were at school even though you didn't answer most of the time. I don't know if you still want to see me even though I feel like you do but when I get home I'll come get you. At least answer when I call you okay?"

Tbh I thought this was pretty sweet and I started thinking about it, and it just makes me want to go through with hanging out with him at least once again to see if anything is still there. Now here's where my mother comes in. I was just minding my business eating dinner last night when she starts asking me about M and if he's still trying to look for me once he comes home so I said yes. Now my mom has a tendency to snap out of nowhere, which is exactly what happened. It's like she has these conversations with herself and then something in her mind clicks and she flares the hell up. This could've been building up since the night before when she asked me what exactly happened between M and me last summer. It started with us having a conversation about one of my girlfriends and how she hooked up with a guy who ghosted her which was when my mom asked if I was a virgin. She pretty much forced it out of me - which she always does, basically telling me that if I lie to her she'll lose all trust in me and that I will break our bond - so eventually, I admitted that I wasn't. She was upset but not overly angry so I thought all was cool. NOPE. Last night, she just lost it completely, yelling and screaming at me for being intimate with M before being a couple. She proceeded to say that she hates how my friends and I handle boys and that I shouldn't have dated my ex if I still had a thing for M. I tried to explain to her that I thought M and I were done so I moved on with a new guy, like what is the big deal? But in her view, I was wrong for dating another guy, breaking up with him, and going backwards. Then she called me all sorts of horrible names, a sl***, a w***, and an easy lay.

I was so angry. I basically locked myself in my room the entire night and just raged in there. Usually I never get so mad at her but I was furious. The next morning she came in my room and saw me wiping lipstick I wrote on my mirror in a fit of anger (basically, I just wrote the word s****) and then w*** on the mirror. She acted like nothing happened, almost like she was sorry which I honestly think she was because she probably realized how awful and out of place she was. What really pissed me off was she had the nerve to say she was scared of me for going into such a rage - even though I didn't even speak to her and literally ran away from her, like pls make it make sense -. We both cooled off now and I could tell she's apologetic but I'm still really upset. She even threatened to tell my dad that M gave me oral sex which is really the main reason why I'm so angry. It's MY body, SHE was the one who forced me to tell her and since she doesn't like the answer, she thinks she's got the right to tell my dad about it. I just hate her. For calling me and my friends wh****, for not realizing how her words can hurt people.

May 7, 2022

Are you home for the summer? Are you working a summer job?

Do your parents support you and pay your tuition?

It's unclear why they know about your sex life but the only way to be more independent is to support yourself and move out.

Stop vandalizing your room, acting rebellious and other useless stuff.

Start looking for jobs, student loans and scholarships, student or affordable housing, a less expensive phone and ways to get around without a car.

May 7, 2022

8 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

I'm updating because I'm upset and it isn't even because of him, but my mom. It's actually incredible how parents can be so damn hurtful sometimes.

On Monday he called me to hangout, but like I said I postponed it until after I'm finished with finals. Right now, he's in FL to get his sister from college and throughout the week he's been texting and calling me while he's down there but you know, since you guys gave me the advice to just let this one go because of my parents, I tried not to answer that much. But then he called me and left me this voicemail - i didn't write down everything cus it was a bit personal - but this was towards the end:

"Listen (my name), I want this to happen. I mean you must know that right, I kept trying with you while you were at school even though you didn't answer most of the time. I don't know if you still want to see me even though I feel like you do but when I get home I'll come get you. At least answer when I call you okay?"

Tbh I thought this was pretty sweet and I started thinking about it, and it just makes me want to go through with hanging out with him at least once again to see if anything is still there. Now here's where my mother comes in. I was just minding my business eating dinner last night when she starts asking me about M and if he's still trying to look for me once he comes home so I said yes. Now my mom has a tendency to snap out of nowhere, which is exactly what happened. It's like she has these conversations with herself and then something in her mind clicks and she flares the hell up. This could've been building up since the night before when she asked me what exactly happened between M and me last summer. It started with us having a conversation about one of my girlfriends and how she hooked up with a guy who ghosted her which was when my mom asked if I was a virgin. She pretty much forced it out of me - which she always does, basically telling me that if I lie to her she'll lose all trust in me and that I will break our bond - so eventually, I admitted that I wasn't. She was upset but not overly angry so I thought all was cool. NOPE. Last night, she just lost it completely, yelling and screaming at me for being intimate with M before being a couple. She proceeded to say that she hates how my friends and I handle boys and that I shouldn't have dated my ex if I still had a thing for M. I tried to explain to her that I thought M and I were done so I moved on with a new guy, like what is the big deal? But in her view, I was wrong for dating another guy, breaking up with him, and going backwards. Then she called me all sorts of horrible names, a sl***, a w***, and an easy lay.

I was so angry. I basically locked myself in my room the entire night and just raged in there. Usually I never get so mad at her but I was furious. The next morning she came in my room and saw me wiping lipstick I wrote on my mirror in a fit of anger (basically, I just wrote the word s****) and then w*** on the mirror. She acted like nothing happened, almost like she was sorry which I honestly think she was because she probably realized how awful and out of place she was. What really pissed me off was she had the nerve to say she was scared of me for going into such a rage - even though I didn't even speak to her and literally ran away from her, like pls make it make sense -. We both cooled off now and I could tell she's apologetic but I'm still really upset. She even threatened to tell my dad that M gave me oral sex which is really the main reason why I'm so angry. It's MY body, SHE was the one who forced me to tell her and since she doesn't like the answer, she thinks she's got the right to tell my dad about it. I just hate her. For calling me and my friends wh****, for not realizing how her words can hurt people.

It was wrong of her to call you or your friends names like that. She's your mother so you'll need to toe that line and maintain that relationship to a degree but know not to repeat those words to anyone else and don't call yourself that. I agree with you that it's extremely damaging and hurtful.

I'd look into on-campus counselling or see if there are free counselling services if you need to speak with a neutral third party about what's going on at home. Try to organize your thoughts better and figure out whether you can move out. If it's not an option find a job so that you're out of the house a little more, volunteer, participate in more on campus organizations. Stay busy and be a bit more discreet about your personal or romantic life.

May 8, 2022

18 hours ago, glows said:

It was wrong of her to call you or your friends names like that. She's your mother so you'll need to toe that line and maintain that relationship to a degree but know not to repeat those words to anyone else and don't call yourself that. I agree with you that it's extremely damaging and hurtful.

I'd look into on-campus counselling or see if there are free counselling services if you need to speak with a neutral third party about what's going on at home. Try to organize your thoughts better and figure out whether you can move out. If it's not an option find a job so that you're out of the house a little more, volunteer, participate in more on campus organizations. Stay busy and be a bit more discreet about your personal or romantic life.

Yeah I'm getting a summer job definitely to avoid some issues with my mom but I just thought I'd give a last update to this whole situation with M. let me just say I'm still in shock honestly because what he said to me sounded so bizzare and I just wasn't expecting it all. Basically, he came back from Florida today and we were trying to figure out a day to hangout and he offered to come over to my house tonight to give me a present from Disney since my parents wouldn't let me go over to his. So he calls me right and asks me if I was still with my boyfriend and what happened. I in turn asked him what happened with his girlfriend - he said he doesn't have a gf - and this is where the conversation completely took a left turn...he went into this spiel about how he gets a kick out of homewrecking and has enjoyed wrecking people's relationships before. And how after the times he's done it, the girl appreciated it in the end because it made her realize that she didn't love her boyfriend or was unhappy in whatever situation she was in because of whatever he did. I listened as he admitted that he's done it so many times in the past, enjoyed the feeling he got, and still likes doing it. Then he proceeded to say that even though I wasn't answering him whether I was single right now or not, he wanted me, thinks we should stop talking about exes because he wants to focus on "me and him."

I pretty much was done listening to him at that point and told him that he was actually frightening me the casual way he was speaking about hurting people. There was more to the conversation than just that, but pretty much what I got from him is that he wants me so he can eventually ruin my life - not even kidding, he said he enjoyed going into people's lives and ruining them. That's when he started asking me why I won't accept him, why I don't wanna be with him, if it's because I met better guys at college and I can't even remember the rest. At the end, I bluntly told him that I wanted him to stay away from me and that I would never accept someone like him to be in my life now. Also that I felt sorry for anyone who's unlucky enough to cross paths with him. Then I hung up.

I actually would like thoughts on this because it's a few hours later and I'm still a bit shaken up. I talked to my friends about it and they said in a really twisted and f*** up way, they believe he likes me because he's going through a hell of a lot of trouble to try and get into my mind. Also that he's borderline obsessive with me which is why he's talking about ruining me. And to stay the hell away from him of course. Which I will because I would never accept him now that he showed me who he is. I don't know how to feel because it's like you think you know someone, but it turns out you don't know them at all. He sounded borderline-sociopathic the way he was speaking, it almost felt like I wasn't even there, like he was talking to a third party with no self awareness you know? And the delusion that he had that I'd still want to be with him after he told me all that. I'm just shaken up, because this was a guy I met in high school, had a crush on him for months then actually got with him...and yeah I knew he was probably a little cray cray but we all have issues, but this is just a whole different level. I guess I'm just disappointed that he turned out to be an awful person. I just want thoughts and opinions on why he felt the need to say all that....when we JUST started talking again.

May 8, 2022

18 minutes ago, joeyyxo said:

Yeah I'm getting a summer job definitely to avoid some issues with my mom but I just thought I'd give a last update to this whole situation with M. let me just say I'm still in shock honestly because what he said to me sounded so bizzare and I just wasn't expecting it all. Basically, he came back from Florida today and we were trying to figure out a day to hangout and he offered to come over to my house tonight to give me a present from Disney since my parents wouldn't let me go over to his. So he calls me right and asks me if I was still with my boyfriend and what happened. I in turn asked him what happened with his girlfriend - he said he doesn't have a gf - and this is where the conversation completely took a left turn...he went into this spiel about how he gets a kick out of homewrecking and has enjoyed wrecking people's relationships before. And how after the times he's done it, the girl appreciated it in the end because it made her realize that she didn't love her boyfriend or was unhappy in whatever situation she was in because of whatever he did. I listened as he admitted that he's done it so many times in the past, enjoyed the feeling he got, and still likes doing it. Then he proceeded to say that even though I wasn't answering him whether I was single right now or not, he wanted me, thinks we should stop talking about exes because he wants to focus on "me and him."

I pretty much was done listening to him at that point and told him that he was actually frightening me the casual way he was speaking about hurting people. There was more to the conversation than just that, but pretty much what I got from him is that he wants me so he can eventually ruin my life - not even kidding, he said he enjoyed going into people's lives and ruining them. That's when he started asking me why I won't accept him, why I don't wanna be with him, if it's because I met better guys at college and I can't even remember the rest. At the end, I bluntly told him that I wanted him to stay away from me and that I would never accept someone like him to be in my life now. Also that I felt sorry for anyone who's unlucky enough to cross paths with him. Then I hung up.

I actually would like thoughts on this because it's a few hours later and I'm still a bit shaken up. I talked to my friends about it and they said in a really twisted and f*** up way, they believe he likes me because he's going through a hell of a lot of trouble to try and get into my mind. Also that he's borderline obsessive with me which is why he's talking about ruining me. And to stay the hell away from him of course. Which I will because I would never accept him now that he showed me who he is. I don't know how to feel because it's like you think you know someone, but it turns out you don't know them at all. He sounded borderline-sociopathic the way he was speaking, it almost felt like I wasn't even there, like he was talking to a third party with no self awareness you know? And the delusion that he had that I'd still want to be with him after he told me all that. I'm just shaken up, because this was a guy I met in high school, had a crush on him for months then actually got with him...and yeah I knew he was probably a little cray cray but we all have issues, but this is just a whole different level. I guess I'm just disappointed that he turned out to be an awful person. I just want thoughts and opinions on why he felt the need to say all that....when we JUST started talking again.

He just wants a reaction out of you. You come from a good family and are working towards a future for yourself in school. He knows you're out of his league already and your parents don't approve. You don't respond to him all the time so he doesn't feel good. Telling you things like that is one way to get under your skin.

Keep in mind that some people are ok with saying whatever comes out of their mouths or have no control over what they say. There is zero filter and consideration for others. Any issues he has he needs to take up with a professional. I don't think he cares about you. He needs to learn to love himself first.

Yes, stay away from him and be wary of people like this. I suggest you block his contact once and for all and delete.

May 8, 2022

13 hours ago, glows said:

He just wants a reaction out of you. You come from a good family and are working towards a future for yourself in school. He knows you're out of his league already and your parents don't approve. You don't respond to him all the time so he doesn't feel good. Telling you things like that is one way to get under your skin.

Keep in mind that some people are ok with saying whatever comes out of their mouths or have no control over what they say. There is zero filter and consideration for others. Any issues he has he needs to take up with a professional. I don't think he cares about you. He needs to learn to love himself first.

Yes, stay away from him and be wary of people like this. I suggest you block his contact once and for all and delete.

It just stings. It's like he punched me in the gut but his fist is still there because I can't get the feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I know you said he wanted a reaction out of me, but honestly if he meant that why not just go and do it? He almost had me again, if he wanted to ruin my life he could've just got me, try to make me fall for him and then from there proceed to mess with my heart. Why bother telling me first instead of just doing it? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he did and I found out early to save myself future heartache but it just hurts.

May 8, 2022

14 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

he went into this spiel about how he gets a kick out of homewrecking and has enjoyed wrecking people's relationships before.

He's a complete punk. Stay away from people like this.

There's sometimes no logic to how dumpster fires behave, OP.

May 8, 2022

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There's sometimes no logic to how dumpster fires behave.

This is true. he's bad news.

2015 "dumpster fire"—as well as the two emoji that represent the individual words, ""—was announced to be the American Dialect Society's word of the year,

May 8, 2022

2 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

It just stings. It's like he punched me in the gut but his fist is still there because I can't get the feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I know you said he wanted a reaction out of me, but honestly if he meant that why not just go and do it? He almost had me again, if he wanted to ruin my life he could've just got me, try to make me fall for him and then from there proceed to mess with my heart. Why bother telling me first instead of just doing it? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he did and I found out early to save myself future heartache but it just hurts.

Like I said, some people have no control over what comes out of their mouths. Be glad he is what he is as you caught it early on.

If you have feelings for him, let it fade and stay busy doing other things. Your summer job will be underway soon so look forward to that. Don’t bother gossiping about him with friends either as it’s a waste of your energy. Well-intentioned friends will want to boost you and talk at length but it’s all useless in the long run. Be busy and don’t have any contact with him.

May 22, 2022

Ok so something new happened and now I just feel funny about it, and kind of sad because I thought I was getting over it since I start my new job on Monday (yay!), but I thought I'd share with you all since you've been pretty helpful.

Got a follow request from this girl on instagram and we had a bunch of mutuals so I accepted. Turns out it's his sister, who's my age but I didn't know it was her because I never met her so I didn't recognize her picture and her username didn't include her last name. Otherwise I wouldn't have accepted. Got a DM from her and our convo pretty much went like this:

Her: Hey girl, I'm sorry if this is really awkward since you don't know me, or if I might have got the wrong person which is totally embarrassing for me. If so, just disregard this whole DM LOL. But by any chance, did you date or have a thing recently with my brother M?

Me: Uhhh, M who?

Her: (last name)

Me: Briefly yeah, why?

Her: Okay I thought so, I know it's not really any of my business but he won't tell me so I really just wanted to ask you what happened between you and my bro. He's been upset ever since we came home from Florida and he was supposed to go see you the day we got back, but then he just stayed home all day.

Etc, etc. Basically, by the end of the conversation she told me that he'd dragged her to the mall the day before their flight to help him find a present for "a girl he was seeing". So she pried it out of him until he told her my name, said he was all happy about it and that things were complicated with me for a while but I was giving him a 2nd chance. They got home, he drove off I guess not too long after with my gift but then he came back and she found him sitting with his head in his hands in the driveway. She said he looked like he was crying and when she asked him what happened he just said he screwed it up with me and wouldn't tell her anything else. Since then he's been moody and is barely around with them anymore as he tends to get like that when he's upset. And then continued to say that she needed to let me know that while M has issues, he didn't mean to hurt me with whatever he said.

So yeah. I don't intend on talking to him about it, I simply told her that it was cool of her to let me know that and I apologized for the unnecessary tension that might have been caused. Now, I just feel confused again. She sounded sincere, but I find it hard to believe he was actually upset after our conversation. Not after he sounded so smug on the phone. What do ya'll think, any thoughts would be nice.

May 22, 2022

I think it's very weird that his sister is so involved, honestly. I would not continue to engage with her. You owe this person zero explanation and I wouldn't trust her.

I also don't believe he's upset. Your last conversation with him included this tidbit:

On 5/8/2022 at 5:01 AM, joeyyxo said:

he was actually frightening me the casual way he was speaking about hurting people. There was more to the conversation than just that, but pretty much what I got from him is that he wants me so he can eventually ruin my life - not even kidding, he said he enjoyed going into people's lives and ruining them.

He is messing with you for his own entertainment and now he's put his sister up to it, too. Stay away from this guy and anyone associated with him. He's not right in the head and doesn't have good intentions.

May 22, 2022

5 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

any chance, did you date or have a thing recently with my brother M?

Are you sure it's his sister? Delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Good luck on the new job!

May 22, 2022

9 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

Ok so something new happened and now I just feel funny about it, and kind of sad because I thought I was getting over it since I start my new job on Monday (yay!), but I thought I'd share with you all since you've been pretty helpful.

Got a follow request from this girl on instagram and we had a bunch of mutuals so I accepted. Turns out it's his sister, who's my age but I didn't know it was her because I never met her so I didn't recognize her picture and her username didn't include her last name. Otherwise I wouldn't have accepted. Got a DM from her and our convo pretty much went like this:

Her: Hey girl, I'm sorry if this is really awkward since you don't know me, or if I might have got the wrong person which is totally embarrassing for me. If so, just disregard this whole DM LOL. But by any chance, did you date or have a thing recently with my brother M?

Me: Uhhh, M who?

Her: (last name)

Me: Briefly yeah, why?

Her: Okay I thought so, I know it's not really any of my business but he won't tell me so I really just wanted to ask you what happened between you and my bro. He's been upset ever since we came home from Florida and he was supposed to go see you the day we got back, but then he just stayed home all day.

Etc, etc. Basically, by the end of the conversation she told me that he'd dragged her to the mall the day before their flight to help him find a present for "a girl he was seeing". So she pried it out of him until he told her my name, said he was all happy about it and that things were complicated with me for a while but I was giving him a 2nd chance. They got home, he drove off I guess not too long after with my gift but then he came back and she found him sitting with his head in his hands in the driveway. She said he looked like he was crying and when she asked him what happened he just said he screwed it up with me and wouldn't tell her anything else. Since then he's been moody and is barely around with them anymore as he tends to get like that when he's upset. And then continued to say that she needed to let me know that while M has issues, he didn't mean to hurt me with whatever he said.

So yeah. I don't intend on talking to him about it, I simply told her that it was cool of her to let me know that and I apologized for the unnecessary tension that might have been caused. Now, I just feel confused again. She sounded sincere, but I find it hard to believe he was actually upset after our conversation. Not after he sounded so smug on the phone. What do ya'll think, any thoughts would be nice.

It's inappropriate of her to be contacting you. This is nothing more than a glorified guilt trip and more toxic nonsense from what you're seeing is a dysfunctional family. Leave them alone. These are all warning signs to stay away.

Anyone can sound sincere over a simple message. It's what their actions are doing that matter. This message is causing confusion for you and seems leftfield because it is not appropriate for her to be contacting you. The more mature way to handle this would be to let her brother deal with his mistakes and relationship issues on his own instead of meddling this way or reaching out. Start developing more boundaries of your own as a young person and recognizing what's inappropriate or appropriate to you.

May 22, 2022

It's completely inappropriate for his sister to reach out to you (if it really was her, and not him pretending to be her.) You owe him no explanation. Keep your boundaries intact.

As far as your mother, is it possible for you to sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart, telling her that you no longer want to be "forced" to share intimate details about your dating life? You are an 18 year old woman and your mother needs to respect your boundaries. I realize she may hold your education over your head (I hope not), but if she wants to continue to have a close relationship with you, she should stop forcing you to give her details, then call you inappropriate names when you tell her the truth about your personal relationships. I also realize this is a cultural thing that I do not understand. Do you have an older family member who you can confide in about the best way to handle your mom in this situation?

May 22, 2022

On 5/7/2022 at 11:01 PM, joeyyxo said:

He sounded borderline-sociopathic the way he was speaking, it almost felt like I wasn't even there, like he was talking to a third party with no self awareness you know?

If you feel that is the case, don't talk to his proxies. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

May 23, 2022

whether or not it actually was his sister, do not engage any further. i guarantee 100% anything you say is going to be told directly to him.

that is, if it wasn't him to begin with, parading as his sister.

May 23, 2022

13 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

whether or not it actually was his sister, do not engage any further. i guarantee 100% anything you say is going to be told directly to him. that is, if it wasn't him to begin with, parading as his sister.

Agree. It's too weird and too detailed to believe it's his "sister".

And definitely use your Miranda rights. Remain silent because anything you say can and will be held against you.

Block ALL his people and confide only in your own trusted people.

Edited May 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

May 23, 2022

Whether it was his sister or him masquerading as his sister, he sounds unstable. It's a good idea to continue keeping your distance.

Also, it feels like your parents are way too involved in your private life. Your mum really doesn't need to know anything about your sex life. Please don't allow her to manipulate you into sharing more than you're comfortable sharing in the future. Also, it's kind of hard to make a play for independence when you're living under their roof, so maybe respect them when in their home but work on getting your own place where you can live your life freely.

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