We still contact each other, what should I do?

[joeyyxo]

Hey loveshack,

Haven't really used this site much before, so please bear with me.  I'd really appreciate anyone's advice on my situation.  For context, I am a 19 year old girl whose a freshman in college a few hours away from home, but I will be transferring to a school back in state for next year.  In October of 2020, I met a guy, let's call him M, at my part time job who I thought was really cute, but we had different shifts so we never got to talk much although I had a feeling he thought I was cute too. Fast forward to this most recent summer (July 2021), one of my friends who also worked with us called me up to tell me that another friend had told her he had said he was into me and was asking around about who I was, if I had a boyfriend, things like that.  But since they told him I was 17 and still in high school at the time, he chose not to make a move as he was 20 then, now 21.  When I heard this, I got his social media and pretty much reached out to him since I'd turned 18 by then.  Things went way easier than I thought and he straight up admitted that what my friends said were true and that he thought I was attractive.  We couldn't get together right away though because I was away all summer starting an early program at my college.  He waited for me, and when I came back, it was only for less than 2 weeks at the end of August.  During those 2 weeks, he called me all the time but we only ended up getting together one night where we hooked up, but we didn't have sex.  Honestly, I was surprised because I would've went all the way with him, but he said he hadn't expected to have sex that night and that there was a lot of other things he wanted to do with me first.  I also admitted I was a virgin, so he said that if he was the one taking my virginity, he wanted to make it special for me.  

Here's the part where things took a turn.  Even though M was still reaching out and wanting to see me, in the end, I decided not to see him again for several reasons.  I didn't have a car that I could drive, it was hard for him to pick me up because he works 3 different jobs, and Ubering was out of the question because it would have been off my parent's credit card.  My fam is pretty protective so it would've been hard to sneak around with him like that.  Basically, I had no real way to get to him or for him to get to me, and since I was leaving for college for the fall so soon, I decided it would be pointless to continue anything at that point.  Even after I left though, he still texted me asking about school, offering to send me money because he wanted to spoil me while I was away (I never accepted any money, btw), and implying that he would wait for me the next time I came home.

It didn't last long at all because I actually came home early on a weekend in September, which I texted him about, but he didn't respond for 2 days.  I had a feeling he got a girlfriend since this was the first time he straight up didn't respond to my texts.  And I was right, I think it was a day later he told me he was cuffed and that he wanted to let me know instead of ghosting me.  He also said "take care kiddo" which honestly kind of stung.  I'd rather him just leave it at "take care", cus kiddo really?  But, I understood.  I said I was happy for him and wished him luck.  Fast forward to December, I started a relationship with my current boyfriend and posted him on social media for the first time.  M reached out to me, asking when did I start dating him, I kept my answer very brief, and he told me 'okay, got it.  happy for you'.  Now, during this time that I've been with my boyfriend, I've realized that he isn't right for me and we're actually on the way to breaking up.  He's a great guy and he loves me, but after a few months, I just don't have the same feelings he has which is why I'm letting him go.  Around 2 weeks, M had followed me on Instagram and then texted me, asking something random about my pictures to which I also didn't respond much.  So basically, because I was still official with my boyfriend, I never reached out and also kept my responses to M very short since I don't think it's right to talk to guys I've been with/hooked up with if I'm in a relationship.  But now that I'm not anymore, I've never actually stopped thinking about him.  I have no idea if he's still with his gf, but I'm assuming he isn't, since he proved he's not a cheater if he's now talking to me.  

My mom has told me she believes he really did like me, but since it was long distance combined with me never giving him much of an answer whether I liked him or not, he chose to let it go since it would've been hard to date each other while I'm in college and he's back home, working 3 jobs and not in school.  Thing is, I still have the urge to reach out to him because I still want him, clear and simple.  He's the only guy I've been truly comfortable with sexually, and I just get a feeling when I'm around him that I haven't in the past or with my soon to be ex boyfriend.  However, I can't bring myself to do it.  Even though he didn't do anything wrong, I dunno, I guess I felt hurt that he got a gf a few weeks after I left and then called me kiddo.  Aside from that, I believe he's a good guy.  He never played games, prioritized me over everything (during those two weeks in August), and looking back, I was the one who didn't make much time for him.  We also never communicated how we felt, it just was what it was.  The last time we spoke was 2 weeks ago, when he contacted me about instagram.  I could use some suggestions on what to do, or if this is even worth pursuing since I am transferring back next year.  

[glows]

Break up with your current bf as you’ll be going against your own values debating M with a relationship still on the go. There’s no reason to still be dating this current guy if he’s not for you. 

M sounds like someone you might have liked to know better but it was wrong time wrong place. And not enough time. Can you drive or do you have a credit card in your name to Uber? How would you see M if you decide you want to see each other? Has anything really changed in regards to reasons why it didn’t work the first time around? 

I think you’re dealing with an impending break up and feeling at a loss. This is causing a lot of reflection and thoughts about an old fling and you’re looking for a rebound yet framing it like it’s unfinished business. I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s productive or a good idea if nothing about your personal situation has changed in terms of logistics or mobility/freedom. 

Edited March 9, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

   I'm in college and he's back home,   

As long as you keep communicating, it will be hard to date new men at college.

Is this the same man?:

 

[smackie9]

You do whatever you want to do...that's how you learn about life...making your own decisions and seeing the results you get. 

[joeyyxo]

I guess what I want is to contact him again.  Especially with summer break coming up since the school year ends in May, I'd be down to kick it with him all summer.  But I don't know how he feels, so I'm not sure what to say especially since I left it hanging last time. 

[BreakOnThrough]

You won't know unless you ask, worst he says is no and you move on to someone else.  You're young, keep your options open and light, figure out yourself before you get serious with someone.

[joeyyxo]

14 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

You won't know unless you ask, worst he says is no and you move on to someone else.  You're young, keep your options open and light, figure out yourself before you get serious with someone.

You're right, thank you.  You think I should just hit him up with something simple like, "Hey M" ?  Istg I used to never overthink with text messages, but I just don't know how to reach out to him again.  I genuinely liked him at one point, pretty much for a year up until we hooked up which is why I do think there is unfinished business, which I think is something a commenter mentioned above. But this is about him and me, in no way is it rebound from my ex boyfriend. 

[flitzanu]

i mean, i think you should probably try to see what happens or you might regret it forever.

HOWEVER...you're sounding really thirsty and if you chase too hard he's not going to respect you and may just end up using you for FWB.  don't run to him saying you dumped your boyfriend and want to see him, just let the information get to him casually.  he still has to make an effort, too.

[stillafool]

Doesn't he still have a gf?  Just reaching out to someone to ask a question is not cheating on your partner.   If he got into a relationship just 2 weeks after being with you he must have been dating her all along.  Most people don't decide just 2 weeks into dating that they want a relationship with that person.

12 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

He's the only guy I've been truly comfortable with sexually, 

12 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

.  I also admitted I was a virgin, so he said that if he was the one taking my virginity, he wanted to make it special for me.  

So are you saying this is the guy you gave your virginity to?

13 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

Quote

I didn't have a car that I could drive, it was hard for him to pick me up because he works 3 different jobs, and Ubering was out of the question because it would have been off my parent's credit card. 

He has 3 different jobs but still manages to have a gf so I don't understand why he couldn't pick you up or pay for a Uber for you.

Quote

My fam is pretty protective so it would've been hard to sneak around with him like that.

So according to this even if he had made arrangements to pick you up you would still be sneaking around because of your protective family?

Quote

Basically, I had no real way to get to him or for him to get to me, and since I was leaving for college for the fall so soon, I decided it would be pointless to continue anything at that point.  Even after I left though, he still texted me asking about school, offering to send me money because he wanted to spoil me while I was away (I never accepted any money, btw), and implying that he would wait for me the next time I came home.

 

So you really never spent enough time with him to know if he's any better than your current bf who you have spent time with.  If M was going to spoil you with money why didn't he spoil you with an Uber ride to his house?

[joeyyxo]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Doesn't he still have a gf?  Just reaching out to someone to ask a question is not cheating on your partner.   If he got into a relationship just 2 weeks after being with you he must have been dating her all along.  Most people don't decide just 2 weeks into dating that they want a relationship with that person.

So are you saying this is the guy you gave your virginity to?

So you really never spent enough time with him to know if he's any better than your current bf who you have spent time with.  If M was going to spoil you with money why didn't he spoil you with an Uber ride to his house?

Hey, thanks for your response.  Yeah so to clear up some things, my memory's a little fuzzy but I left in August, then about a month later he told me he was cuffed.  Still you're right, it seemed out of nowhere to me so I'm sure he had her around before he got with me and maybe just decided to start dating her?  I don't know, but I never bothered putting much thought into that.  I'm not sure what two weeks you're referring to, but when I said two weeks, I'm saying it was 2 weeks ago when we last spoke which was in February about instagram.  As for my boyfriend, it's not really about who's better, but I don't have feelings for him.  Sexually, I don't think we're compatible either and I don't see myself being with him long term. I would've broken up with him regardless, so it really has nothing to do with M.  And about the Uber, M did offer to pay for my ride.  The issue back then was my parents had no idea I was seeing him, so the ubering thing just wasn't going to work.  Also, if my mom knew I was taking an uber to see a guy, she would not have approved.  Asian parents thing, lol.  That's why I chose not to do it, in the end.  But now, my fam knows about him so that's why I'm reconsidering as this time around, it's different cus I feel like it'd be easier to see him now that we got the summer and I'm allowed to drive my car.

[glows]

When are you going to break up with your boyfriend? It seems cruel to drag it out any longer while you're contemplating summer plans with another man.

[joeyyxo]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

When are you going to break up with your boyfriend? It seems cruel to drag it out any longer while you're contemplating summer plans with another man.

It's pretty much over.  I just have to wait for him to come back this weekend to end it officially.  We both came home this past weekend which is when I explained to him how I felt and that it's no longer working between us.  Right now, I'm on spring break for the week, while his is in the upcoming week.  He asked me to take this week to think because he loves me, but if I still don't want to be with him, we'll talk about it when he comes home this Friday.  I haven't changed my mind, so when I see him, I plan to tell him that and break up officially.  Didn't mean to let it drag on, I just want to do this face to face.  He deserves that.

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, joeyyxo said:

my memory's a little fuzzy but I left in August, then about a month later he told me he was cuffed. 

Okay but still he told you he would wait for you and was in a relationship within a month.  He could have gotten in it 1,2,3 weeks after you left, you just found out about it after a month.  I don't understand why you are putting this guy on a pedestal.  When did you see him to give him your virginity?

Edited March 9, 2022 by stillafool

[joeyyxo]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay but still he told you he would wait for you and was in a relationship within a month.  He could have gotten in it 1,2,3 weeks after you left, you just found out about it after a month.  I don't understand why you are putting this guy on a pedestal.  When did you see him to give him your virginity?

Yeah you're right about the relationship part, but I'm not really seeing how I'm putting him on a pedestal.  I don't mean to at least, but it could just be my feelings talking.  I did not lose my virginity to him, I ended up loosing it to my boyfriend.  That night we were together, we didn't go all the way.  It was implied that we would the next time but like I said in my original post, I decided not to see him again mainly because I couldn't get it around my parents.  Oh and I feel like I should mention, the only reason we were able to see each other that one night was because it was my best friend's birthday.  He picked me up from her house after her party was over.  It was easy cus I was out of the house already, no need to tell my parents.  Just in case anyone was wondering how we were able to make it work one time.

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, joeyyxo said:

I did not lose my virginity to him, I ended up loosing it to my boyfriend.  That night we were together, we didn't go all the way. 

Yes I read that but why did you say this if you had not had sex with him?

 

14 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

He's the only guy I've been truly comfortable with sexually,

 

[joeyyxo]

43 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes I read that but why did you say this if you had not had sex with him?

 

 

I was referring to other things like oral.  I meant he's the only guy I've felt comfortable with to let really touch my body and go down on me.  With my boyfriend, it felt like I was just going through the motions of sex rather than enjoying them throughout, if that makes sense.  Even with my two exes before him, we never went much further past making out.  I don't have intimacy issues or anything, it's just when it came down to it, I didn't want to sleep with them.

[glows]

1 hour ago, joeyyxo said:

It's pretty much over.  I just have to wait for him to come back this weekend to end it officially.  We both came home this past weekend which is when I explained to him how I felt and that it's no longer working between us.  Right now, I'm on spring break for the week, while his is in the upcoming week.  He asked me to take this week to think because he loves me, but if I still don't want to be with him, we'll talk about it when he comes home this Friday.  I haven't changed my mind, so when I see him, I plan to tell him that and break up officially.  Didn't mean to let it drag on, I just want to do this face to face.  He deserves that.

Ok end it with your boyfriend first and put this other person, M, out of mind. You may react differently after ending the relationship with your boyfriend. Give yourself a breather and some time before chatting or meeting with M. I wouldn't assume M is single either just because he's speaking with you. 

In the end it doesn't matter whether M is into you or not. I understand you very much want it to be so but there are other fish in the sea and you have other things to do before opening your heart to someone else. M as a summer boyfriend seems distant and premature at the moment. You may even find out you're no longer attracted to him once you start seeing him once or twice. Please let us know how things go. 

Edited March 9, 2022 by glows

[joeyyxo]

On 3/9/2022 at 4:43 PM, glows said:

Ok end it with your boyfriend first and put this other person, M, out of mind. You may react differently after ending the relationship with your boyfriend. Give yourself a breather and some time before chatting or meeting with M. I wouldn't assume M is single either just because he's speaking with you. 

In the end it doesn't matter whether M is into you or not. I understand you very much want it to be so but there are other fish in the sea and you have other things to do before opening your heart to someone else. M as a summer boyfriend seems distant and premature at the moment. You may even find out you're no longer attracted to him once you start seeing him once or twice. Please let us know how things go. 

Soo it's been a while and I got so caught up with school and finishing the semester up, I didn't update til now.  Thank you for your comment btw.  I've been broken up with my boyfriend since March and while I feel bad about how it ended - cus he was pretty mad - I'm glad I did it.  As for M, he actually reached out to me again a few days ago and we talked for a bit, then texted me again yesterday when I didn't text him back.  He said something like "don't be a stranger to me."  Lol.  In the few weeks that I've been broken up with my ex, I've hooked up with a few other guys here at my college and been going out with my friends a lot and I realize you're right, I have no idea if I'm actually still attracted to him.  I haven't decided whether I'll call him up when I come back home even though he asked me to, but I'll let ya'll know if I do

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, joeyyxo said:

Soo it's been a while and I got so caught up with school and finishing the semester up, I didn't update til now.  Thank you for your comment btw.  I've been broken up with my boyfriend since March and while I feel bad about how it ended - cus he was pretty mad - I'm glad I did it.  As for M, he actually reached out to me again a few days ago and we talked for a bit, then texted me again yesterday when I didn't text him back.  He said something like "don't be a stranger to me."  Lol.  In the few weeks that I've been broken up with my ex, I've hooked up with a few other guys here at my college and been going out with my friends a lot and I realize you're right, I have no idea if I'm actually still attracted to him.  I haven't decided whether I'll call him up when I come back home even though he asked me to, but I'll let ya'll know if I do

Good that you broke up with your ex bf and are having fun with your friends.  So it's been well over a month and M is just now reaching out to you?  Is he still with the other girl?  Make sure he hasn't heard about your hook-ups with the other guys and just wants to have sex with you and then go back to his gf.  Good luck and you sound happy.

[glows]

18 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

Soo it's been a while and I got so caught up with school and finishing the semester up, I didn't update til now.  Thank you for your comment btw.  I've been broken up with my boyfriend since March and while I feel bad about how it ended - cus he was pretty mad - I'm glad I did it.  As for M, he actually reached out to me again a few days ago and we talked for a bit, then texted me again yesterday when I didn't text him back.  He said something like "don't be a stranger to me."  Lol.  In the few weeks that I've been broken up with my ex, I've hooked up with a few other guys here at my college and been going out with my friends a lot and I realize you're right, I have no idea if I'm actually still attracted to him.  I haven't decided whether I'll call him up when I come back home even though he asked me to, but I'll let ya'll know if I do

You've ended a relationship that wasn't working for you. That's a big enough change for anyone to handle at the moment. Nice of M to text but seems you're both headed in different directions, live in different towns. Sometimes people text because they're bored with nothing better to do (and that's ok). You don't always have to respond especially if there are no plans to meet and it's better not to be tied to your phone responding to this guy when there are other options out there closer to you who also maybe work less jobs or have more free time.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

I have no idea if I'm actually still attracted to him.

That's good. Enjoy college life and savor your time and the social life. If he's that great he'll contact you, not just "call me sometime', type of thing.

[joeyyxo]

Thought I'd give an update :

So I've been home for a few days, M called me to say welcome home and asked me if I wanted to celebrate together.  I pretty much said okay but postponed it until after I'm finished taking my online finals.  The problem is though my mom's against it.  I didn't even think my parents cared anymore but when I told them I might go out with him cus I still needa let them know where I go, she wasn't really pleased and tonight she sat me down and said she doesn't want me to because she thinks he still likes me and is going to try to kiss me and she "absolutely does not want that".  LMFAO.  I don't know.  Now I'm not really sure what to do since if they're not happy about it, it would be hard for me to do anything.  He keeps texting me though, weirdly more than the first time around, like a few minutes ago he said "having a conversation with you is like communicating through letters cause it takes so long.  Kinda endearing and driving me nuts."  With his Snap bitmojii's head on fire.  It was a funny analogy but honestly, I'm not even doing it on purpose, it's just a habit I have to hide my phone when I study because your girl will spend hours scrolling on Tik Tok .  So yeah, don't really know what to do.  I'm not going to be stupid and sneak out and end up straining my relationship with my parents just to see him.  But I did wanna hangout with him again because it's summer damn it and I want to go out with cute boys and do whatever I want.  Oh and if anyone says to tell them I'm above 18 and an adult, yeah that line doesn't work on Chinese parents.  Immediate smacking and chasing around the house will follow.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, joeyyxo said:

.  I'm not going to be stupid and sneak out and end up straining my relationship with my parents just to see him.  

Finish your finals and ace them. Are your parents against dating in general until you're done with college or seeing this boy in particular? Do your parents have someone from your culture lined up for you?

[joeyyxo]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Finish your finals and ace them. Are your parents against dating in general until you're done with college or seeing this boy in particular? Do your parents have someone from your culture lined up for you?

For sure, I'm so happy cus I got an A on all of them and only have more tonight!!  And no, they're not against me dating - they liked my ex boyfriend - but with this guy, they never met him but they're not too fond of the fact that he's not in college, working multiple jobs and stuff like that.  My mom doesn't approve because she thinks we're just repeating history (starting something when I have to go back to college in August) so she thinks it's pointless no matter how much he 'likes' me.  

[stillafool]

Do what you mother tells you and don't go out with him.  It won't lead to anything anyway because you will do what your parents want you to do.  Just go out with a college guy you like if you can get one and then you can date freely because your parents will like him.