ironpony Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 Not sure which forum I should have posted it in, so I apologize if this is the wrong one, but here goes. My brother is very lonely, after being constantly rejected by women over the years. He is 32. He is becoming more and more bitter and upset and angry because of it. I would like to help him out if possible but is there anything I can do? It seems me has tried everything but nothing has worked because of his developmental/social issues. If anyone has possibly experienced this with a loved one before? Thank you very much for any advice on this! I really appreciate it!
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 2 minutes ago, ironpony said: He is 32. He is becoming more and more bitter and upset and angry because of it Angry bitter people will always have trouble dating. Not much you can do if that puts women off. Keep in mind that no one is entitled to relationships or sex. Either someone gets the help they need to be more reasonable or they remain alone. 3
Author ironpony Posted March 8, 2022 Author Posted March 8, 2022 That makes sense, thanks. I don't feel he is entitled, I just want to help.
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 5 minutes ago, ironpony said: That makes sense, thanks. I don't feel he is entitled, I just want to help. Stay in your own lane. 1
Author ironpony Posted March 8, 2022 Author Posted March 8, 2022 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Stay in your own lane. But he keeps asking me to help him and his asking me to help is becoming more constant lately. So what should I do if he keeps asking me for help?
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ironpony said: if he keeps asking me for help? You told him to try Tinder? Edited March 8, 2022 by Wiseman2
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 He ain't gonna get anyone interested if he doesn't make a strong effort into finding the right therapy, and work his butt off to make it work. If possible be included in therapy to keep him on track. He truly needs to work on himself or nothing will work. You could try being his dating coach, do role playing exercises, be his date, and play through it, make pointers, etc. Teach him how to socially interact. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 5 hours ago, ironpony said: Not sure which forum I should have posted it in, so I apologize if this is the wrong one, but here goes. My brother is very lonely, after being constantly rejected by women over the years. He is 32. He is becoming more and more bitter and upset and angry because of it. I would like to help him out if possible but is there anything I can do? It seems me has tried everything but nothing has worked because of his developmental/social issues. If anyone has possibly experienced this with a loved one before? Thank you very much for any advice on this! I really appreciate it! There are many types of autism. In matters in what kind he has i have a form that would be close to aspergers.
poppyfields Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 (edited) @ironponyhow does he expect you to help, you're autistic yourself. And as evidenced by your many threads, you need your own help. Are you asking this for your brother or for yourself? Edited March 8, 2022 by poppyfields 4
Author ironpony Posted March 8, 2022 Author Posted March 8, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: @ironponyhow does he expect you to help, you're autistic yourself. And as evidenced by your many threads, you need your own help. Are you asking this for your brother or for yourself? I'm asking for him. I think he is kind of looking up to me though because I have a girlfriend and I've had a couple of long term relationships before, where he's never had a date much, so I think he thinks I can help him because my own experiences.
Author ironpony Posted March 8, 2022 Author Posted March 8, 2022 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: He ain't gonna get anyone interested if he doesn't make a strong effort into finding the right therapy, and work his butt off to make it work. If possible be included in therapy to keep him on track. He truly needs to work on himself or nothing will work. You could try being his dating coach, do role playing exercises, be his date, and play through it, make pointers, etc. Teach him how to socially interact. Okay thanks for the suggestion. He goes to a therapist, but his therapist hours are during my work hours though and it's hard to get away from work in order to do that because of the schedule but I can try.
ShyViolet Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 I didn't know you have a brother who is also autistic. Honestly there's nothing you can do. You can't live his life for him, he's a grown adult in his 30s and he has to make his own mistakes and deal with his own problems. Don't take offense to this but maybe you're not the best person to give him advice anyway since you have not exactly been very successful in dating yourself, if your threads on here are any indication. Maybe tell him to come to this board and post his questions here and we can give him advice. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 He needs to find a therapist, a really good one (not sure the current one is doing it), and he and the therapist need to be very present and concrete-oriented. Sessions need to focus on where he can go to meet people, how to meet people, how to stand, how to smile, how to talk about himself in a way that allows others to feel OK. How to listen and on and on. A good CBT therapist should be able to do this, but the therapist has have a deep interest in social interactions. I had such a therapist. I'm not on the spectrum, but I had my own issues, including family trauma that warped my social skills. And my therapist at the time literally had to script out communications with people, down the detail. Down to the shocking detail. But interacting with people was her thing--she was a master at interacting with people and was curious about that. I later had another excellent therapist who went deep with me (and helped a lot), but he was not a master at social interactions. The benefit of finding a good therapist for this is that if your brother has health insurance, the therapy can be covered. Or if your family has the resources, has he ever worked with a life coach with a specialty in autism. The advantage of coaches is that they aren't interested in the past. They are very present oriented and they focus on creating outward behaviors. Analogy: a baseball coach doesn't care about your athletic history: they want to coach and guide you on how to stand, how think, how to move, how to read the game and so on. Well the right life coach can help him. Now there is a paradox here. Which will apply to your brother as well as to all of us. As he starts working on his social skills, he has to start enjoying the process of learning and not return to the next session, saying "I still don't have a girlfriend." The skills he can learn for dating will apply to interacting with friends, making friends, sustaining friendships, connecting with coworkers and even family. I just did a google search ... autism life coach ... that seems to be the magic phrase. 2
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 11 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I didn't know you have a brother who is also autistic. Honestly there's nothing you can do. You can't live his life for him, he's a grown adult in his 30s and he has to make his own mistakes and deal with his own problems. Don't take offense to this but maybe you're not the best person to give him advice anyway since you have not exactly been very successful in dating yourself, if your threads on here are any indication. Maybe tell him to come to this board and post his questions here and we can give him advice. That's true it's just I've been more successful than him so thought maybe I could get him something at least even if it's short term maybe.
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: He needs to find a therapist, a really good one (not sure the current one is doing it), and he and the therapist need to be very present and concrete-oriented. Sessions need to focus on where he can go to meet people, how to meet people, how to stand, how to smile, how to talk about himself in a way that allows others to feel OK. How to listen and on and on. A good CBT therapist should be able to do this, but the therapist has have a deep interest in social interactions. I had such a therapist. I'm not on the spectrum, but I had my own issues, including family trauma that warped my social skills. And my therapist at the time literally had to script out communications with people, down the detail. Down to the shocking detail. But interacting with people was her thing--she was a master at interacting with people and was curious about that. I later had another excellent therapist who went deep with me (and helped a lot), but he was not a master at social interactions. The benefit of finding a good therapist for this is that if your brother has health insurance, the therapy can be covered. Or if your family has the resources, has he ever worked with a life coach with a specialty in autism. The advantage of coaches is that they aren't interested in the past. They are very present oriented and they focus on creating outward behaviors. Analogy: a baseball coach doesn't care about your athletic history: they want to coach and guide you on how to stand, how think, how to move, how to read the game and so on. Well the right life coach can help him. Now there is a paradox here. Which will apply to your brother as well as to all of us. As he starts working on his social skills, he has to start enjoying the process of learning and not return to the next session, saying "I still don't have a girlfriend." The skills he can learn for dating will apply to interacting with friends, making friends, sustaining friendships, connecting with coworkers and even family. I just did a google search ... autism life coach ... that seems to be the magic phrase. okay thanks that's a good idea! If he needs to learn how to date with a therapist help with that or would you need a dating coach as well perhaps?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 I would not advise that he use a dating coach, no. They are not professionals who are trained and qualified in helping people who struggle with additional challenges such as austim. Their advice could do more harm than good if they generally only work with neurotypical clients. To the best of my knowledge, anyone can call themselves a dating coach. It doesn't mean they have any clue what they're talking about, especially with regards to neurodivergent folks. He is better sticking to therapy where a licensed and accredited professional can guide him. He will find dating a lot easier when he address the underlying challenges he faces. 1
Trail Blazer Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 Some people are beyond help. Your brother is one of them. Why? Because you cannot help people who won't help the themselves. Your brother wanting to date is putting the cart before the horse. If you want to help him date, you need to convince him to get other areas of his life in order first. You don't build a house by putting the roof on first. If the foundations are missing for being a socially functional person, there's diddly-squat you can do to fix that. Failing an unwillingness to help himself, your brother will just have to accept his fate and learn the hard way that life isn't fair and not all of us are created equal. 2
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would not advise that he use a dating coach, no. They are not professionals who are trained and qualified in helping people who struggle with additional challenges such as austim. Their advice could do more harm than good if they generally only work with neurotypical clients. To the best of my knowledge, anyone can call themselves a dating coach. It doesn't mean they have any clue what they're talking about, especially with regards to neurodivergent folks. He is better sticking to therapy where a licensed and accredited professional can guide him. He will find dating a lot easier when he address the underlying challenges he faces. Oh okay, it's just for the therapist might not be in touch with the dating game as much these days I thought possibly,especially since a lot of them have been married for a while.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 The type of skills your brother needs aren't new ... at all. Hi to say hello, how to talk to people, how to introduce himself, how to look for signs that the other person wants to continue talking, how to look for signs that the other persion is enjoying the conversation, what to do with pauses and all of that. He doesn't need dating techniques---he needs guidance on basic social skills and he can apply those social skills to the realm of dating and to other realms as well. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, ironpony said: maybe I could get him something at least even if it's short term maybe. You could take some good pics of him, help set up a good profile on quality dating apps. Lend him a few bucks for a short term subscription to one paid apps and help him with one free app. Let him take it from there. Edited March 9, 2022 by Wiseman2
ShyViolet Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 11 hours ago, ironpony said: That's true it's just I've been more successful than him so thought maybe I could get him something at least even if it's short term maybe. "Get him something"? I don't know what that means. But it doesn't work this way, you can't do this for him. 1
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 Oh I just get him some dates or experience.
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: The type of skills your brother needs aren't new ... at all. Hi to say hello, how to talk to people, how to introduce himself, how to look for signs that the other person wants to continue talking, how to look for signs that the other persion is enjoying the conversation, what to do with pauses and all of that. He doesn't need dating techniques---he needs guidance on basic social skills and he can apply those social skills to the realm of dating and to other realms as well. Okay thank you. I could advise him to be referred to a different therapist if that's better.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2022 Posted March 9, 2022 6 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, it's just for the therapist might not be in touch with the dating game as much these days I thought possibly,especially since a lot of them have been married for a while. You misunderstand what I meant. I didn't mean that he should seek dating advice from his therapist. I meant that he appears to have issues he needs to sort out before attempting dating, which is where a therapist comes in. The sort of struggles you describe are not the wheelhouse of a dating coach, and their advice won't help if he doesn't start to manage the underlying problems. 1
Author ironpony Posted March 9, 2022 Author Posted March 9, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You misunderstand what I meant. I didn't mean that he should seek dating advice from his therapist. I meant that he appears to have issues he needs to sort out before attempting dating, which is where a therapist comes in. The sort of struggles you describe are not the wheelhouse of a dating coach, and their advice won't help if he doesn't start to manage the underlying problems. Oh yes I see, thanks. Perhaps his current therapist is not doing that enough.
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