boak1 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 I met this guy via a mutual friend a few years ago at uni. We instantly fancied each other and began messaging but I was warned to be careful of him because he had a player reputation. Since we met we have messaged on and off, he’s always replied really quick etc but ends up leaving me on read after a few days. I left uni this year but he is still there and we are now 3 hours apart. We have continued in the last year to speak more regularly (mostly either after matching on a dating app or me messaging him) but we have really warmed up to each other. He asked me to have a phone call but I bottled it as I was nervous. Because of past hurt I have a massive guard up and he’s always accused me of being cold, hard to get and playing games which is confusing to me as he never makes an effort or the first move. I called him out on it and said I would like to see him and he told me he really wanted to see me and to let him know when I am going to be back in Nottingham. I ended up drunk messaging him whilst in Nottingham and he asked if he could see me for a coffee or breakfast then chill at his but I got really nervous and worried and bottled it. I also didn't like that he asked me back to his as that is not what I am looking for even though I have told him that several times and he has said he knows and okay. We end up speaking for a few days before he doesn't respond as he is too busy with uni. This cycle continued until a few weeks ago when I told him I clearly had some sort of feelings for him and he said when are you next coming to Nottingham again, I said in a couple of weeks and said I would like to see him. He said would I actually go through with it as he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being messed around. He didn’t message me to see if I was still coming and I didn’t tell him I was until I drunk called him. We bumped into each otherwhilst on a night out, he said we should probably have a chat and I agreed. I met his friend and he said we needed to speak so he has clearly spoken to his friends about the situation. We were both drunk and people kept interrupting the chat. We ended up walking home together where I remember him telling me ‘you know I like you’ and telling me how beautiful I was but I can’t remember much else. I woke up next to him and he seemed really cold. Bearing in mind this is the first time we had really seen each other in person properly, I just thought that was him. I left and he messaged me but once again left me on read. I asked if we could have a chat that evening on the phone but he said he was busy catching up with work. I said I was fed up of him making me think he liked me then not doing anything and he said I do like you I just don’t think it would work. I asked why and he said he thought we clashed which the night before had proved. I decided to lay everything out and messaged him saying the other day I couldn’t remember anything and felt disgusting in the morning hence why I wasn’t chatting back to him and that I would like to properly see him maybe for a drink or whatever when I’m next in Nottingham instead of just on a night out. He said could he call me to chat. We spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half about general things like families, jobs etc but we had a chat about things. He said I was really argumentative when we were walking home and it pissed him off thinking that I was a nasty person in real life and he thought we clashed for that reason, hence why he was cold with me in the morning. He said he was disappointed thinking that was the real me but I had no idea how I acted as I was too drunk. He said we could go for a drink but I said he always seems to lose interest and doesn’t reply to my messages after a while. He said it wasn’t him losing interest but that he hates texting and is too busy to message 24/7, he would rather us just pick up the phone and call each other. He said I had wasted 2 good years messing around that we could have been getting to know each other. I want to see him to see what this attraction is all about. We can’t seem to stay away no matter what but he just doesn’t make the effort that I want. I don’t know if he is playing games with me but everything seems to be on his terms. I haven’t heard from him since this chat a few days ago. He is moving jobs once he graduates to only an hour and a bit away from me but still we will be apart and I’m not sure what his intentions would be with me if I saw him for a drink. I seem to have gotten attached and am so worry about being hurt. Am I being played or do I just make the first few moves and see what happens. I am not sure if he is wary of me messing him around and he is just more laid back than I am. Half of my friends think he's messing me around and the other half think that he is just incredibly busy with the final term of his intense degree and that at the end of the day we don't really know each other so he is just waiting to meet me properly in person before actually doing anything to show he's interested or make an effort.
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 (edited) Played....when a guy is interested he doesn't act like this. He's making very little effort.... and either finds excuses or blames you for it. Ditch this knuckle head. He's being manipulative. Edited March 4, 2022 by smackie9
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 30 minutes ago, boak1 said: we are now 3 hours apart. he never makes an effort or the first move. I ended up drunk messaging him .We were both drunk. I woke up next to him and he seemed really cold. He said I was really argumentative when we were walking home and it pissed him off thinking that I was a nasty person in real life and he thought we clashed for that reason. I had no idea how I acted as I was too drunk. Sorry this is happening. He is not interested in anything serious and LDRs are too difficult. On another note, if you are waking up next to men when drinking and can't remember things when drinking, it's time to look into help for problem/binge drinking. Step far away from him. Get a handle on the excessive drinking and date local men.
glows Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 It seems he’s always been interested but you’ve pushed him away with your insecurities. I’m sorry to say that. He did ask you for a call from the very start instead of texting back and forth. He also did eventually tell you he prefers phone calls. You have a lot of baggage and bottling to work out as you seem to also want to be your way or the highway which is responding to all your texts. I agree with you about the Nottingham meet ups and it does seem halfhearted. At that point he was already losing interest and thought you were flaky. He still wanted to give it a shot and it’s too bad you drunk called him more than once or even hung out while you were drunk. It would suggest to anyone that you’re just toying with them. He lost his patience with you by then and painted you with a broad brushstroke as “nasty”. That wasn’t very nice and he shouldn’t have agreed to meet with you at all if you were drunk. It’s too bad it happened like this.
ShyViolet Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 This has been dragging out for a few years and never gone anywhere, partially because of your flakiness with him, his not putting in effort, and your drinking. Get a handle on your excessive drinking, first of all. It's sloppy and unattractive. I don't blame him for being turned off by it. Most guys would be. You also say that there were times that he tried to talk to you but you pulled away because you were "nervous". Then later you drunk-dialed him. Stop using alcohol as a crutch, and learn to interact with people more normally without playing games. You need to grow up a bit and develop more mature social skills in relationships. Forget this guy, it's already too late to salvage this. Just move forward and focus on working on these issues. 2
SumGuy Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 21 hours ago, boak1 said: ... I ended up drunk messaging him whilst in Nottingham and he asked if he could see me for a coffee or breakfast then chill at his but I got really nervous and worried and bottled it. He didn’t message me to see if I was still coming and I didn’t tell him I was until I drunk called him. He said he was disappointed thinking that was the real me but I had no idea how I acted as I was too drunk. See the pattern, I'm amazed he puts up with this. On the first one, asking you for coffee the next day is not crossing some boundary. I don't see him playing games, rather he is trying to convince himself you are not who you are. I don't think he is lying about you be argumentative when drunk on the walk back. I think he is trying to cope with letting the illusion go. I suspect this is not new, I suspect there is a pattern and he is done chasing you and responding to your every text. It is not on him to follow-up with you when you say you are coming. Blackout drunk is pretty drunk and not a good sign. Most after they get so drunk they can't remember what they did swear off and reevaluate things. It's a red flag for a drinking problem. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 6, 2022 Posted March 6, 2022 You have flaked out on him a couple times. You don't seem to handle alcohol well and use the drunk excuse too much. He doesn't appear overly interested anymore. It's time to let this one go. It's not going to get off the ground and you have both wasted too much time here.
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