Bluerose99 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 I've been single for 3 years since my divorce, because I had not yet met anyone I liked enough. Two months ago I finally met a man who is amazing. We clicked instantly and he is great towards me, very loving and caring and everything I was looking for. But here are the issues, he works two jobs, after his main one, he goes on to teach for 2-3 hours a night. He has a son who has special needs and lives with him, so after work he has to get home to him and relieve his mother who cares for his son until night. He is also separated for many years but not divorced. At weekends he has to be with his family and will only send me maybe a morning or night message. He comes by to see me 2-3 times a week, after his teaching job, for an hour or so, but never at weekends. He told me clearly from the start that he can never introduce a woman into his home because his son can not handle that, and about the limited time he has to spend with me. He says I am Amazing and he misses me all of the time, he calls me during each week day..but I can't really call him as he's working all the time and at night is with his son. I told him how I feel, that I want a normal relationship with someone, to be able to spend time together, be fully in each others lives, eventually meet each others friends and family..he says he understands and it's my choice, he has been honest with me. I don't know what to do. I adore him, it's really difficult for me to find someone I feel this way about, but I'm really frustrated at not having more contact. He tells me he imagines we can be together forever, but in the way he has clearly laid out.. separate from family and on week days I'm really confused and don't know whether to continue or not
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 40 minutes ago, Bluerose99 said: Two months ago I finally met a man He is also separated for many years but not divorced. He comes by to see me 2-3 times a week, after his teaching job, for an hour or so, but never at weekends. Sorry this is happening. He may be very nice, however in just 60 days dating you have identified a significant number of red flags and deal breakers. Most notably he is too busty to date and too involved with his wife. Do they still live together? 2 mos. dating should be fun and pleasant while getting to know each other. Unfortunately all he's offering a drive-by dating when he's not with his wife, family or jobs. 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 4, 2022 Author Posted March 4, 2022 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. He may be very nice, however in just 60 days dating you have identified a significant number of red flags and deal breakers. Most notably he is too busty to date and too involved with his wife. Do they still live together? 2 mos. dating should be fun and pleasant while getting to know each other. Unfortunately all he's offering a drive-by dating when he's not with his wife, family or jobs. Yes, exactly this. If he wasn't so great I wouldn't have lasted this long with him. I was suspicious of him still being with his wife to start with and couldn't understand why the divorce didn't happen. He assured me that it definitely is over, he tried to make things work with her but couldn't because of her jealousy, and just didn't see any reason for entering into complications that come with a divorce. She doesn't live there he says, but visits and stays every other weekend to be with their son, in the guest room. He tells me I will learn to trust him when I know him better...I'm not jealous of this situation and do feel trust..but I'm not 100 percent sure. We do have a lot of fun and enjoy each others company when we are together, we are both older so I was telling myself I should just relax and enjoy it for what it is, but something in the back of my mind is telling me it's not right.. I've been out of the dating game for over 20 years (I'm 46) so I don't know how to behave to be honest. You are right though, and wise..I just like him so much and feel frustrated, dissapointed 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: he is too busty to date Lol, meant too "busy" to date. Surely he's not too "busty" to date. Gotta love autocorrect Edited March 4, 2022 by Wiseman2 4
glows Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 (edited) It’s incredible that he goes about the relationship knowing what you just told him about wanting more time spent together and a different lifestyle. There’s no way I would continue this if my partner told me a great part is lacking for them in a relationship. If he can do that, this to me would signify that he’s nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Is he not perturbed by what you’ve told him? He’s too worried about his ex’s feelings and is still very much a married man. He only gains sex and affection from you with no strings attached. I think you ought to think about this a lot more if you do want more out of life, out of a relationship with someone special. You’re not seeing eye to eye and he seems too blind to care or have any conscience about having you there when you’ve expressed yourself the way you have. Edited March 4, 2022 by glows 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 4, 2022 Author Posted March 4, 2022 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Lol, meant too "busy" to date. Surely he's not too "busty" to date. Gotta love autocorrect No, he's definitely not too busty 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 4, 2022 Author Posted March 4, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: It’s incredible that he goes about the relationship knowing what you just told him about wanting more time spent together and a different lifestyle. There’s no way I would continue this if my partner told me a great part is lacking for them in a relationship. If he can do that, this to me would signify that he’s nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Is he not perturbed by what you’ve told him? He’s too worried about his ex-wife’s feelings and is still very much a married man. He only gains sex and affection from you with no strings attached. I think you ought to think about this a lot more if you do want more out of life, out of a relationship with someone special. You’re not seeing eye to eye and he seems too blind to care or have any conscience about having you there when you’ve expressed yourself the way you have. Yes. He reacted by saying that he never expected to meet me, so didn't think so much, but he can't change anything about his life, he wants me to be with him but he would understand if I want more..he just doesn't want me to turn around in months to come and feel that he tricked me into anything because he has told me honestly 2
glows Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 12 minutes ago, Bluerose99 said: Yes. He reacted by saying that he never expected to meet me, so didn't think so much, but he can't change anything about his life, he wants me to be with him but he would understand if I want more..he just doesn't want me to turn around in months to come and feel that he tricked me into anything because he has told me honestly Then he’s putting the ball in your court to leave and to do so now and not later, also expecting a kind of commitment from you not to change your mind when you’ve only been dating for two months. It seems quite lop-sided and intense. This isn’t a situation I’d take kindly to or stick around for personally. 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 4, 2022 Author Posted March 4, 2022 2 minutes ago, glows said: Then he’s putting the ball in your court to leave and to do so now and not later, also expecting a kind of commitment from you not to change your mind when you’ve only been dating for two months. It seems quite lop-sided and intense. This isn’t a situation I’d take kindly to or stick around for personally. Thank you so much. Your advice really helps me 2
stillafool Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 3 hours ago, Bluerose99 said: he just doesn't want me to turn around in months to come and feel that he tricked me into anything because he has told me honestly Yes he's covered his base well wiith this. The more you hang around dating him the more you're going to want him and not want to accept the situation. Of course it's not his fault that you feel that way because he forewarned you what was not going to be happening from the git-go. So the ball is in your court as to whether you stick around, shut up and enjoy what time he gives you. 1
ShyViolet Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 7 hours ago, Bluerose99 said: I told him how I feel, that I want a normal relationship with someone, to be able to spend time together, be fully in each others lives, eventually meet each others friends and family..he says he understands and it's my choice, he has been honest with me. It's clear that he's not able to give you this. There's no way that I would continue seeing this man. It's only been 2 months, not a long time. You can cut your losses now, since it's clear that allowing yourself to get more attached or invested in this guy will only lead to disappointment and you getting hurt. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 You are wasting your time with him. He has no time for you. You have no long term hope if you won’t meet his kids. be wants to control everything which says to me he’s not separated at all and us just married. 6
healing light Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 Okay, not to be harsh, but this reminds me of the time that a recently married colleague I'd met in school told me that his wife was fine with him having an open relationship/hooking up with me as long as she never knew about any of the affairs and he took precautions for her never to find out who else he slept with (hard pass). This man has set up a perfect situation where he can get away with cheating if his marriage is not as over as he makes it sound: no weekends, very limited time together, all the communication on his terms, special needs son can't deal with another woman in the picture. IMO, you will never know for sure that you aren't just this man's side piece. And that's what it totally sounds like, so what's the difference at the end of the day? I'm not buying it. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 I would bet my bottom dollar that his wife has no idea they are "separated." I'm sorry OP, but this very much looks like a married man having an affair with you. 5
bene Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 16 hours ago, Bluerose99 said: He told me clearly from the start that he can never introduce a woman into his home because his son can not handle that, and about the limited time he has to spend with me. I’m sorry this is happening but this is what he’s offering. If you want a real relationship, he’s not the guy for that. 1
Sun Seeker Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 You have identified you are not compatible long term, so why waste any more time? End things. The whole 'Hes so great it's difficult to find someone like this' is complete BS, he can't be that great as you are clearly not happy and he doesn't even want to consider the idea of making some compromises. He sounds selfish if anything. 6
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 1 hour ago, Sun Seeker said: You have identified you are not compatible long term, so why waste any more time? End things. The whole 'Hes so great it's difficult to find someone like this' is complete BS, he can't be that great as you are clearly not happy and he doesn't even want to consider the idea of making some compromises. He sounds selfish if anything. Yes long term I'm going to want more. He's amazing for me because I find it really difficult to find a man I can be totally relaxed with and who I'm physically attracted to.. only him in 3 years...he tells me who knows what will happen in the future..you are right though, I don't want to fall for him and be left aside
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 12 hours ago, ShyViolet said: It's clear that he's not able to give you this. There's no way that I would continue seeing this man. It's only been 2 months, not a long time. You can cut your losses now, since it's clear that allowing yourself to get more attached or invested in this guy will only lead to disappointment and you getting hurt. Thank you
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: You are wasting your time with him. He has no time for you. You have no long term hope if you won’t meet his kids. be wants to control everything which says to me he’s not separated at all and us just married. I questioned it and he assured me he is separated. But yes, am not convinced. Thank you, appreciate your response Edited March 5, 2022 by Bluerose99
salparadise Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 20 hours ago, Bluerose99 said: He comes by to see me 2-3 times a week, after his teaching job, for an hour or so Just a quick little drop-in to see how you're doing? Let me guess... a minute man. Probably leaves his car running. 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 22 minutes ago, salparadise said: Just a quick little drop-in to see how you're doing? Let me guess... a minute man. Probably leaves his car running. Actually I go out to his car Have kids so I've not invited him in. I ask to go out somewhere but he says when the weather is better
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 (edited) This is what you do....just date him casually and don't invest any further than that. You know this isn't what you are looking for....being fourth priority to his 2 jobs, his special needs son, and his family. Don't waste your time. Harsh words but you need more than this and that is why you are here. This is already a struggle, when you truly want to be a part of someones life, not some side dish. Edited March 5, 2022 by smackie9 1
glows Posted March 5, 2022 Posted March 5, 2022 1 minute ago, Bluerose99 said: Actually I go out to his car Have kids so I've not invited him in. I ask to go out somewhere but he says when the weather is better It’s time to replace him. In all seriousness, he seems like downer. Life is passing you by… 1
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 35 minutes ago, glows said: It’s time to replace him. In all seriousness, he seems like downer. Life is passing you by… You guys are helping me to see things clearer. Thanks so much
Author Bluerose99 Posted March 5, 2022 Author Posted March 5, 2022 38 minutes ago, smackie9 said: This is what you do....just date him casually and don't invest any further than that. You know this isn't what you are looking for....being fourth priority to his 2 jobs, his special needs son, and his family. Don't waste your time. Harsh words but you need more than this and that is why you are here. This is already a struggle, when you truly want to be a part of someones life, not some side dish. Thank you! I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable.. demanding..your answer really help s me
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