surreyman33 Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 Hi all, Firstly thanks for reading, and hopefully you can help with my issue. I have been with my partner for 5 years now. We did take a short break apart for a while but still were close friends just not officially together. Since then the relationship has been better than ever. I am 33 with three children from a previous relationship which ended 7 years ago. She has a good relationship with the children and they get on well. She is 30 and getting to the time & age where her friends are settling down, getting married, having children she wants to have a child and follow suit. In the beginning of the relationship when she was younger she was unsure if she did want to have children but i put that down to age more than anything. I have always been very upfront and honest with my thoughts on the subject in that I do not want to have anymore. This isnt a reflection on her but the reasons as follows: Being that I have my other children and would be hesitant to start over and potentially add confusion with them. Age gaps as my eldest is now 11, money although earn a decent wage i have to pay by ex significant child maintenance and this impacts me massively financially. if we were to have a child the household income would drop significantly to which i would struggle. Being that i am 33 my youngest is 7 and in another 10 years i will be able to do more with my life such s more holidays and do things for me as the children get older. Also she has no family around where we live as her are over 150 miles away and my parents are in their 70's so wouldn't be able to do much helping with the child if we had one. So at present we are a bit stuck.....she obviously and quite rightly wants to have a child and i have said I wouldn't begrudge her 100% if she wanted to walk away to find someone who can give her that. Its very heartbreaking however that someone who i love and care for so much and have been with for a considerable amount of time, would have to walk away from. Any input would be appreciated.
Calmandfocused Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 Unfortunately this is one of these non compromisable situations. Only one of you can get what they want. The other loses. It’s a no win situation. Usually in these circumstances I would say cut the relationship loose. However I felt it necessary to point this out to you before you make a decision: You obviously had your children young. However you are at an age whereby any prospective partner you meet will either a) have their children already or b) want their own children. Yes, you may meet a woman who doesn’t want children, however she may not want to be raising other peoples children either. In other words; trying to find a woman who doesn’t want her own children but is happy raising yours will be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It’s hard enough finding a compatible partner as it is. My advice to you is to really think about what areas you can compromise on. Expecting a partner to fit in with your responsibilities and wants/ needs whilst dismissing her own isn’t fair, and is unlikely to happen. Just some thoughts for you to think about before making a decision. 10
glows Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 Do you mind me asking why you’re waiting for her to walk away? Why aren’t you ending this yourself? 9 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 That is your choice. That means ending this. Is that what you want?
Author surreyman33 Posted March 2, 2022 Author Posted March 2, 2022 Ideally not as we are very good together so some sort of compromise could work but i am open to it not working and am coming to terms with that fact
DKT3 Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 There is no compromise here, one of you would have to move to the other side. Well there is one compromise, her getting pregnant by other means, however, realistically there is very little difference if you maintain a relationship with her. 1
glows Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 4 minutes ago, surreyman33 said: Ideally not as we are very good together so some sort of compromise could work but i am open to it not working and am coming to terms with that fact What compromises are you willing to make and what compromises is she willing to make? I’m understanding in your initial post that you don’t want more children and she does. If you are open to more children, you mentioned childcare and finances as your top concerns. Does she work? It’s unrealistic if she’s expecting you to support all of you and she doesn’t bring home a significant chunk of income. I’d be very transparent and talk numbers with her if having a child is what you both may want. Talk with her about your budget and ask her for her input. Sometimes when we want something so much there are blinders and we stop communicating on practical issues. You both have to be more of a team handling issues like this prior to having children anyway so take this as a good experience for both of you, regardless of how it works out.
Wiseman2 Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 2 hours ago, surreyman33 said: We did take a short break apart for a while Sorry this is happening. It's sad. What was the break about? It seems there is an impasse. However she knew from the start that you did not want children (with her) nor could afford more children, no? Is she hoping you change your mind? 1
SingFish Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, surreyman33 said: Ideally not as we are very good together so some sort of compromise could work but i am open to it not working and am coming to terms with that fact I think many women go through a phase of wanting a baby, hopefully your partner's will pass. This really is no time for you personally or for the world in general is my immediate thought. [ ] You made your feelings clear from the start OP so if your partner changed her mind that's hardly your fault. She already has 3 step-children to love, and personally I would channel further mothering urges into volunteering and adopting unwanted puppies or something, I'm not sure people always realize just what a commitment it is to have a child. The children must come first for a very long time, babies are cute and fairly easy to deal with but ongoing parenting can be a real challenge. Edited March 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic
Wiseman2 Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 3 hours ago, surreyman33 said: She is 30 and getting to the time & age where her friends are settling down, getting married, having children she wants to have a child and follow suit. Ok, set her free to pursue her dream of her own family. 3 1
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 I say make a compromise. When the oldest turns 18, you have room for one more. When your oldest turns 16, make sure they get into the job market and start paying for their own things. As for your partner, she can look for a job/better paying job/second job, to start saving. There are ways around this. If you have to make sacrifices, your partner should also, and bring whatever to the table to make this work. 1
SingFish Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 47 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I say make a compromise. When the oldest turns 18, you have room for one more. When your oldest turns 16, make sure they get into the job market and start paying for their own things. As for your partner, she can look for a job/better paying job/second job, to start saving. There are ways around this. If you have to make sacrifices, your partner should also, and bring whatever to the table to make this work. That is great advice. No one should rush into having a child anyway is my thought. People do overcome things where one partner wants something different don't they? Depends how committed the relationship is I guess. 1
Allupinnit Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 (edited) Loving someone else's kids isn't just something you can pull out of your butt to fulfill the desire to have a baby. They're not HERS. I am a stepparent and for the most part we get along and respect one another but I didn't give birth to my stepdaughter, I don't have the biological tie that comes with pushing your baby (that looks just like you) out of your body, and bonding with all of those hormones that makes people love their own kids like nobody else can. Mostly she feels like an in-law (which is exactly what she is). If your wife wants her own children then no, saying you can enjoy the kids you made with someone else isn't a compromise. You're asking her to forgo her own dreams of having children so that she can help with the ones you already made with someone else. Let me tell you how fun that is to have an ex-wife in the picture and all of that entails as well! I don't know any woman who would be ok with that if having children is her heart's desire; stepmommin' is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You got to have your family and now she wants to have hers. I say cut her loose so that she can experience that with someone who has no problem creating that with her. Be kind. She is probably hoping you will change your mind but if you're not don't waste any more of her time. Edited March 2, 2022 by Allupinnit 2
Els Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 It's unfortunately very tricky if the woman wants bio kids and the man doesn't - if the genders were reversed, I'd say just be 100% honest with the other person about your intentions and they can make their own decisions. But that's if the "other person" is a man, who can likely still have them several years in the future if anything changes. If it's a woman, she physically can't after 40... so by staying with her you are permanently removing her option of ever having bio kids. That being said, is it ethically right to infantilize her and to make the decision of removing yourself from her life, instead of letting her make it herself? No easy answers I'm afraid... but this isn't an easy situation. As a woman who doesn't ever want kids, I empathize and I hope you find a decision that gives you peace. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, surreyman33 said: Ideally not as we are very good together so some sort of compromise could work but i am open to it not working and am coming to terms with that fact What is a compromise between wanting kids and not wanting kids? I'm not aware of one. Kids are not a part time deal. If you were to stay together one of you would get what they want and the other wouldn't. If she chooses to stay with you even though she wants kids she will almost certainly come to resent you for it, even though she agreed to what you wanted. That's just the way these things tend to evolve. Edited March 2, 2022 by dramafreezone 2
FMW Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 I don't think there is a compromise to be made when it comes to children. It's understandable she wants her own children. But you already have three and seem to be fairly certain you do NOT want more, which is also understandable. If neither of you truly have a change of heart about your desires, I don't think it's a good idea to continue the relationship. Whether or not she's an unusual good fit for you because she likes having your children around and others might not is NOT a reason to agree to bring another child into the world. It's highly likely the one of you who does not get their way in this situation will have resentment toward the other at some point along the way. 2
ShyViolet Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 Do not have another child if you don't want to. There really is no compromising on this. Having a child when you know you don't want to, just because another person wants to, is a terrible idea. Set her free to go find what she wants, if it's not something you are able to give her. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 6 hours ago, surreyman33 said: Ideally not as we are very good together so some sort of compromise could work And that compromise would be....what, exactly? 1
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2022 Posted March 2, 2022 (edited) There is no compromise here. This is one of those things in which you are either compatible or you are not - and when you are not compatible, it’s a dealbreaker. When one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, the default is that you shouldn’t have children together. I feel badly for this woman - she has wasted five years of her life building a relationship with a man who does not share the same goals in life. If you haven’t been clear with her about your decision not to have children, the kind and fair thing to do is to be brutally honest with her. It won’t feel good, but she needs to know where you stand. You seem to want to waffle a little - I don’t want more children but I love her so I’m willing to compromise. There is no compromise here - if you have decided that you don’t want any more children, you need to end your relationship and allow her the opportunity to go and find someone who does. There is no time to waste - she will resent you if you waste more of her time and she will resent you if she stays and does not experience what it is to have a child of her own. Edited March 2, 2022 by BaileyB 1
Lisa Posted March 2, 2022 Senior Moderators Posted March 2, 2022 Posts which do not address the first post and those which are debating other members have been removed.
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2022 Posted March 3, 2022 IMO there is a difference between "I'm totally done with having any more, don't want to change diapers, put up with a screaming baby, have absolutely no desire", and "I'm worried about not having money to travel, I want to keep the lifestyle I'm used to, my kids might get bent out of shape about it.." The bold says to me there is room for a compromise if those are the only real reasons the OP can come up with. I truly think with some good thought, this can work. 2
Maldives Posted March 3, 2022 Posted March 3, 2022 (edited) Ye as the above posters have said it's a no win situation here unless you change your mind re another child. It's not fair on her tbh that's her biological urge and for her to miss out would be huge. Don't waste another day with this the older she gets the harder it gets to conceive. You will have to live with the consequences of losing her. Same thing happened wth me wth my ex wife accept she was Lil unreasonable but that's a long story and not about me. I just know this is a non negotiable. Let her go mate I can't see you changing your position and if you do, there's gonna be anger and animosity it's a huge compromise for u and her... unworkable. Edited March 3, 2022 by Goodguy05 3
kendahke Posted March 4, 2022 Posted March 4, 2022 (edited) On 3/2/2022 at 6:18 AM, surreyman33 said: Its very heartbreaking however that someone who i love and care for so much and have been with for a considerable amount of time, would have to walk away from. it's equally as heartbreaking that someone she loves doesn't think he can ever do better financially yet thinks the answer is for her to give up on an experience he and his ex wife were able to go through together 3 times. Be heartbroken, but don't make it sound like she's the one being unreasonable here. You need to play the man now and end this. Stop stringing her along with talk about compromise. There is no compromise on this. If there was, this post wouldn't be here. Edited March 4, 2022 by kendahke 4
JRabbit Posted March 10, 2022 Posted March 10, 2022 On 3/2/2022 at 7:30 PM, smackie9 said: The bold says to me there is room for a compromise if those are the only real reasons the OP can come up with. Children should never be a compromise. They should be 100% wanted. NEVER have children if you don't truly want them. I'm wondering why OP waited 5 years to have this chat? 2
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2022 Posted March 10, 2022 (edited) 20 minutes ago, JRabbit said: Children should never be a compromise. They should be 100% wanted. NEVER have children if you don't truly want them. I'm wondering why OP waited 5 years to have this chat? The OP did not wait 5 years. He was very up front with his feelings on this, it's in his first post. His GF is the one that waited 5 years hoping the OP would change his mind. Not a fair way to try and get your way. Now the kids will lose their step mom as she goes off trying to have a baby. Edited March 10, 2022 by smackie9
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