Getting to know / dating multiple people at the same time

[Legatus]

I know there were few threads about this but I can't find them. 

I've read few articles about how it's not for everybody, which I generally agree. What interests me is also how others determine whether it's for them and how do they create boundaries around it?

To put this into something specific. I finally started going out dancing again since they opened proper salsa clubs and met few people. Considering my schedule is pretty tight in the next months, I don't really meet anybody very regularly but I still do meet them. How do you navigate such situation?

If I remember correctly, somebody said on this forum that they mention meeting/dating other people when one of the three situtations happen:

• somebody asks if you date other people
• somebody asks for exclusiveness
• sex

What do you think about it in generally?

[glows]

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. As long as there is transparency and honesty, it's what the parties make of it.

[ccas93]

yeah I think you should always be honest if you're having sex with multiple people. At the very least be honest if they ask the question.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Legatus said:

I know there were few threads about this but I can't find them. 

I've read few articles about how it's not for everybody, which I generally agree. What interests me is also how others determine whether it's for them and how do they create boundaries around it?

To put this into something specific. I finally started going out dancing again since they opened proper salsa clubs and met few people. Considering my schedule is pretty tight in the next months, I don't really meet anybody very regularly but I still do meet them. How do you navigate such situation?

If I remember correctly, somebody said on this forum that they mention meeting/dating other people when one of the three situtations happen:

• somebody asks if you date other people
• somebody asks for exclusiveness
• sex

What do you think about it in generally?

Need to distinguish  something here…this is early dating before anything serious develops.  Sort of like a job interview process.

 

with online dating sites there can be spurts of activity so you might start talking to 3-5 people at once.  Say two you find differences so you don’t Perdue or thry flake out.

 

thrn with 3 you have first meet with.  They go well. You are open to meet them a second time. They are doing this too with others.  After a third date you might get down to one and Perdue them in having dates.

 

exclussiveness usually come naturally after a few dates when you usually have an idea so it’s not a big deal. Asking exclusiveness befire you even met us batshit crazy land.

 

you never assume you are the only one they are dating.  Even if you happen to meet them in a non online way and you ask fir their number to have a date.  Some are the type to trade in and exchange vs breaking up first.

 

 

[Legatus]

8 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Never assume you are the only one they are dating.  Even if you happen to meet them in a non online way and you ask fir their number to have a date.  Some are the type to trade in and exchange vs breaking up first.

That's exactly how I try to approach the subject. I know, however, that not everybody thinks that way, especially if they are either raised more conservatively, or just come from a more conservative country. Some of my peers, when they hear I'm seeing two people, they're flabberghasted. Almost like they expect me to close the door to the world just because I got one phone number!

[Maxxx17]

I don't see anything to be ashamed of, especially if you're honest when you're asked the question. You can even look at the example of online dating where you are looking for fling casual dating there is also showing activity and you can start communicating with several people at once and there you see what the differences are and who you like more. The main thing is to clarify right away whether you need a serious relationship or it's all purely for fun.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Legatus said:

. Some of my peers, when they hear I'm seeing two people, they're flabberghasted. 

If you are just talking to/ dating casually, there's nothing shocking about that.

You don't need to tell people that you're  casually seeing women if it upsets them.

As long as you act with integrity, it's fine.

Edited March 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

For most people dating is a means to an end: an exclusive relationship. How you get to that point is up to you and generally I’m an advocate for multidating in the early stages, especially if you’re dating strangers (ex. OLD, meeting someone in a bar etc.). If you ask someone out that you’ve already known awhile and they say yes, being exclusive right away makes more sense.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Legatus said:

That's exactly how I try to approach the subject. I know, however, that not everybody thinks that way, especially if they are either raised more conservatively, or just come from a more conservative country. Some of my peers, when they hear I'm seeing two people, they're flabberghasted. Almost like they expect me to close the door to the world just because I got one phone number!

You mentioned these are your peers so limit the information spent speaking about your personal life when it comes to closed minded peers. You know how they think so be prepared for the predictable outcome or response.

Seek likeminded peers and others if you want to share those experiences or need other feedback. You’re not expected to change your way of dating just because some can’t see the way you think. I think you need more camaraderie with others who think like you. There are a lot of people who multidate very well with no issues or problems. The three bullets you listed are a good start. I’d always strive for transparency where there are questions or concerns brought up by those you are seeing. 

Edited March 2, 2022 by glows

[dramafreezone]

I would say don't delve too much into the subject.  I figure for someone you don't really know that well, it's none of their business. 

If they're looking for exclusivity then it's probably time to have a talk about if you even want the same things.

Even with sex I don't think they have a right to know how many people you're involved with.  All they need to know is if you use protection and do you get tested regularly.  Aside from that what does it matter?

[Versacehottie]

On 3/1/2022 at 5:59 PM, Ami1uwant said:

Asking exclusiveness befire you even met us batshit crazy land.

this, I agree with this ^^^^ 🤪

I would say yeah at beginning assuming each person is dating others, including yourself (ie you should! it's time and emotionally efficient). 

A handful of dates in with each person it's probably time to decide if you want to keep pursuing, be exclusive, etc. 

I suppose you will hear a variety of opinions as far as how far to go sexually. I don't know that there's a right/wrong etc but certain things work for a pair or an individual and in some way you have to respect that and try your best to honor it and do the right thing.  Some people will really feel like you did something in the wrong if you were doing that and then potentially you could mess up a relationship you really care about.  So I think default to the sort of safer option when in doubt.  That's why a handful of dates is a good number because you might be able to take it slow for a while but at some point a handful of dates in, it's probably going to come up or be weird that it didn't.

Probably the hardest thing to sort out is, it's like a horse race, right?  Very easy to decipher which horse is pulling ahead and standing out if you start them all at the same time...but much more difficult to "see" or understand which person is pulling out front if they all start at different times, which is probably a reality.  So in a way that could mean (presuming things are going your way and you have the power of choice a bit because you're a guy) that you end up stringing someone along a little bit. Not advocating that and I think you should be careful of that (to avoid psychos, drama, and bad karma).  This would probably require you to cut things off perhaps a little prematurely---like it's is a bit lukewarm but good companionship on your end--that could backfire and even if you have no one waiting in the wings, I'd probably say cut those ones off though some guys have trouble doing it. Good luck

[Ami1uwant]

1 minute ago, Versacehottie said:

this, I agree with this ^^^^ 🤪

I would say yeah at beginning assuming each person is dating others, including yourself (ie you should! it's time and emotionally efficient). 

A handful of dates in with each person it's probably time to decide if you want to keep pursuing, be exclusive, etc. 

I suppose you will hear a variety of opinions as far as how far to go sexually. I don't know that there's a right/wrong etc but certain things work for a pair or an individual and in some way you have to respect that and try your best to honor it and do the right thing.  Some people will really feel like you did something in the wrong if you were doing that and then potentially you could mess up a relationship you really care about.  So I think default to the sort of safer option when in doubt.  That's why a handful of dates is a good number because you might be able to take it slow for a while but at some point a handful of dates in, it's probably going to come up or be weird that it didn't.

Probably the hardest thing to sort out is, it's like a horse race, right?  Very easy to decipher which horse is pulling ahead and standing out if you start them all at the same time...but much more difficult to "see" or understand which person is pulling out front if they all start at different times, which is probably a reality.  So in a way that could mean (presuming things are going your way and you have the power of choice a bit because you're a guy) that you end up stringing someone along a little bit. Not advocating that and I think you should be careful of that (to avoid psychos, drama, and bad karma).  This would probably require you to cut things off perhaps a little prematurely---like it's is a bit lukewarm but good companionship on your end--that could backfire and even if you have no one waiting in the wings, I'd probably say cut those ones off though some guys have trouble doing it. Good luck

This was almost 30 years ago….

 

I met for drinks with a friend.  He talked to me about his girl dilemma.   He was dating 2 women. He liked both for different reasons.  He had trouble on deciding which one to focus on.

 

it has been to long for me to recall exactly what was said, but I told him to think about qualities long term for living together and marriage, not short term things like who he might be having more fun with or who he might be driven by his junk. I never met either one.

 

they have been married over 25 yrs and have 3 boys t..twins and a spare. Twins are at college now. The younger one in high school.

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I think it's a personal choice like anything else.

For me, I liked two men men at the same time and the best thing for me in that situation was not to pursue either.

Another time, I was talking to several men but had not been out on dates yet except with one of them and as we went on more dates I told the other men that I am really interested in someone else and that it's best that we don't talk anymore.

Once those feelings are there, I really don't see the point in multi-dating but that's up for debate I suppose.

[Lauriebell82]

So after my divorce (and before I met my boyfriend) I went through a period where I dated multiple people casually. I don't plan to become single again, but if I did I personally don't think I'd ever do it again. It can be very confusing and I prefer sticking to one person. It also got jealous knowing that the people I was seeing were also seeing other people (despite me doing the same, weird I know) but I think I just value monogamy and being with one person. I think if you can handle it, and set boundaries it would work fine though. It does require a VERY high level of detachment and not really developing deeper feelings for anyone (because often they are seeing others as well).

[central]

I dated two or three when I had the opportunity and it was early days in the decision dance.  That worked well for me, as I could quickly meet a lot of women and figure out who was a great match, rather than spreading out dating over years (and maybe choosing wrong due to lack of options).  I also found out that I was polyamorous, and two of the women I was dating were also interested in dating others and polyamory.  That led to a several year relationship with both of them, with all being in the know and in agreement.  We often all hung out together.  One eventually moved on, and I married the other at a later time. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If "dating" means meeting people, then you should always be meeting people before you are partnered with someone. 

Now, there is a gradualism involved. You develop serious interest in someone after multiple dates, then you likely will cut back on meeting other people even before you are formally committed. 

But to cancel a meetup with someone because you have another first meetup scheduled with someone else--just makes no sense to me. That means you are committing too soon, you are committing before you and the other could possibly know that you're interested in each other.

You go meet people to FIND OUT if you're interested. You go on a date to see what if this person is worth spending more time with. That's all. 

[basil67]

I think that a lot of this equation depends on your age and location.  In some countries, multi dating is normal. In others it's nasty.  If you're from a culture where this isn't the done thing, then it makes sense that your friends have opinions on it.   Though, it's far less icky if, like @Ami1uwantsays, it's only during very early dating  

That said, your situation of not having time to meet people often puts multi dating in a different light because you're not out with three different people during one week.  Given that you don't have time to have a relationship, are you seeing them for just a bit of fun?  If they know it's super casual, I don't see the harm. 

 

[Wiseman2]

People are rarely exclusive after a first date. Maybe if there's amazing chemistry and sex, they'll decide on only seeing each other.

But more commonly, people on dating apps have a bunch of people they're talking to and meeting before they'll narrow it down to one where there's mutual attraction and desire for exclusivity.

[Gaeta]

Depends what you're looking for and who you are seeking.

If you're looking for casual dating and seeking women seeking the same then it's all dandy. If you're looking for serious dating and dating women seeking serious relationship then I feel multi-dating after 3-4 dates is misleading the ladies, and probably misleading yourself. I find that if after 3-4 dates I am still looking online for men to date then the one I am dating isn't the right man for me. Usually someone will capture my attention and imagination in 3-4 dates. 

Edited March 6, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

I think when one doesn't have much experience dating and having a few relationships under their belt, multi-dating until you realize one stands out over the others makes sense. 

However, for people like myself who have experience dating many men over several years, when I meet a man and feel that immediate chemistry/energy with him, there's no need to be rotating several others until I determine who 'stands out.' 

I already know that man stands out by virtue of having dated so many men previously.

I dislike the term "exclusivity" as it sounds very formal and frankly contrived.   It suggests a certain seriousness or stage which after only one or two dates isn't realistic. 

I see it more as, we meet, we click, we're into each other, we've dated around previously, we both know what we want, so let's focus on only each other for a bit to see where it will lead, if anywhere. 

May last a day, week, month, a year or forever, there's no commitment to anything! 

It's different from exclusivity because that is a stage, a certain commitment an established couple gets to after dating awhile, and they mutually agree to get more serious by making a conscious decision to become 'exclusive.'

THAT takes time, two people don't reach that point after one or two dates, that's a bit nuts imo.

But upon meeting someone with whom there is that mutual spark or click, deciding to focus on only each other for a bit to see where it goes? 

This makes more sense for those who have already dated many people, who already know what they want and therefore don't need to juggle 3 or 4 while figuring out who stands out. 

Date for a while, get to know each other, see where it goes. It’s a process, a journey. 

Have fun with it. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I dislike the term "exclusivity" as it sounds very formal and frankly contrived.   It suggests a certain seriousness or stage which after only one or two dates isn't realistic. 

I see it more as, we meet, we click, we're into each other, we've dated around previously, so let's focus on only each other for a bit to see where it will lead, if anywhere. 

May last a day, week, month, a year or forever, there's no commitment to anything! 

I agree with a lot of this, and culturally, this is how things work where I am.  (Though it is changing as we get more Americanized).    To me, 'exclusive' and 'in a relationship' are two very different beasts.  The first simply means that neither of you is getting on with others.  The latter means that the two of you have been together long enough to commit to a relationship with a view something long term.  

 

 

 

 

[Interstellar]

On 3/1/2022 at 5:25 PM, Legatus said:

If I remember correctly, somebody said on this forum that they mention meeting/dating other people when one of the three situtations happen:

• somebody asks if you date other people
• somebody asks for exclusiveness
• sex

 

1. i only went out with three girls this week. it was a slow week

2. what ring size are you? if i am not going too fast

3. you are really rushing me. i hope you will not break my heart