I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

One thing is for certain @ZA Dater. Since you started seeing this woman, you post on here much less frequently. I think that’s probably a good sign. 

I am as conflicted now as I was at the beginning of this thread, probably because idea versus reality are not really on the same page however I am am trying to make it sort of work. I am devoting more time to a few writing projects I have going which I would like to complete. 

It would be true to say I am less isolated now that I am dating her but the fundamental problems, well those I just trying to either correct or ignore but some of the best pieces of advice from here has been to not over think, just go with it and I am trying to do that.

The walls have had to go up a bit again, the office never really stays at the office and to survive in that environment the walls are needed and the less emotion the better. To some extent I have also conceded defeat in dating. 

[Venus080411]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I am as conflicted now as I was at the beginning of this thread, probably because idea versus reality are not really on the same page however I am am trying to make it sort of work. I am devoting more time to a few writing projects I have going which I would like to complete. 

It would be true to say I am less isolated now that I am dating her but the fundamental problems, well those I just trying to either correct or ignore but some of the best pieces of advice from here has been to not over think, just go with it and I am trying to do that.

The walls have had to go up a bit again, the office never really stays at the office and to survive in that environment the walls are needed and the less emotion the better. To some extent I have also conceded defeat in dating. 

How long have you guys been dating?  Have you met each others family/friends?  Are you a "couple" so to speak?  I am just curious if she is aware of how conflicted you feel about your relationship with her.  

[chillii]

l know you can't see it op and that's not your fault bc you just haven't been there before to know, l think you have known deep down though right through.Your hanging in there though and giving it a go just like people have been suggesting you try to do. But, l still go with my original and all this ongoing confliction and dancing around is usually just deep down screaming it even louder. But anyway, the light will come, time will do it's thing.

Edited May 3, 2022 by chillii

[basil67]

I'm strongly suspecting that this woman doesn't see herself as your date or potential girlfriend.   What you're describing here is a friendship/snuggle buddy.   

[NuevoYorko]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm strongly suspecting that this woman doesn't see herself as your date or potential girlfriend.   What you're describing here is a friendship/snuggle buddy.   

I was just about to write the same thing.  It seems that the OP and she spend minimal time together, and nothing much has happened on the physical front.

OP - I think you should just chillax.  I'm getting the feeling that you troubling yourself so much about whether she's worth your time / up to your standards is really a waste of anxiety on your part and maybe inappropriate.   A casual friendship that has a few kisses thrown in doesn't require any of this at all. 

If you feel like doing something together with her, if it sounds enjoyable in the moment,  I hope you will.   It doesn't have to be a big deal in any way whether you do or don't.

 

[chillii]

 

Yeah l've thought the same right through on that to. Or else maybe she's hoping that side will develop and za's interest does grow, hard to tell which.

Edited May 4, 2022 by chillii

[poppyfields]

Like tends to attract like meaning she most likely has her own set of issues similar to ZA's so she may be OK with the situation exactly as it is now, otherwise she'd leave and find something/someone else.

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 5/3/2022 at 6:52 PM, basil67 said:

I'm strongly suspecting that this woman doesn't see herself as your date or potential girlfriend.   What you're describing here is a friendship/snuggle buddy.   

Absolutely. A mature woman who is looking for a relationship is likely to see this as more of a platonic friendship than an intimate, sexual relationship. Physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship - especially the first few months of a relationship. Something is up here if she stays and there is no sex. 

[poppyfields]

 

 

47 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

A mature woman who is looking for a relationship is likely to see this as more of a platonic friendship than an intimate, sexual relationship.

True, but she may have similar  (or even identical) commitment/intimacy issues, in which case this situationship suits her just fine. 

That's my take, again like attracts like, two peas in a pod. 

The fact she continues to stick around speaks volumes.  A woman seeking intimacy and commitment wouid NOT . 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[SingFish]

Just enjoy it and see what develops @ZA Dater Your writing projects sound interesting!

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

 

True, but she may have similar  (or even identical) commitment/intimacy issues, in which case this situationship suits her just fine. 

That's my take, again like attracts like, two peas in a pod. 

The fact she continues to stick around speaks volumes.  A woman seeking intimacy and commitment wouid NOT . 

 

 

I completely agree.  If she was after something more, she'd have been long gone by now. 

Initially I thought it was cruel for OP to unwittingly string her along, but now I'm thinking I wasn't giving this lady enough credit for picking @ZA Dater for exactly who he is.

If she's happy with this situationship and he were to escalate it too quickly (which seems very unlikely), then she may bot be up for that after all.

 

[introverted1]

Is it possible she has a bf or FWB or whatever and this is why she is content to hang out with ZA as a friend?

[chillii]

On 5/5/2022 at 11:25 AM, poppyfields said:

 

 

True, but she may have similar  (or even identical) commitment/intimacy issues, in which case this situationship suits her just fine. 

That's my take, again like attracts like, two peas in a pod. 

The fact she continues to stick around speaks volumes.  A woman seeking intimacy and commitment wouid NOT . 

 

 

Yeah another thing l've thought from the start. l mean she's 10yrs older than op so she's not gonna be stupid . She's mostly well aware of how things are and maybe for whatever reason all things considered she's content with it all. Who knows.

 

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

Well it might be worth updating this thread. I'll do this a bit differently and say I was wrong about a lot of things, in fact dare I say fundamentally wrong. I had this idea about dating but the truth is the idea and reality are very different. I think to properly put everything in context I need to remind that I am not the world's most social person with few friends.

This whole experience is very different, we are still dating if you can call it that, she really is fantastic, more than I deserve but I am only too acutely aware I simply do not seem to match up to what she seems to actually want. I have got to experience many great things with her but its also apparent to me that I am just useless at dating so I am simply just taking one day at a time. I was asked if I saw myself having time for someone else in my life and the truth is I probably do not.

I cant escape the feeling I have missed out on a lot in life being with her has only made that even more clear, the list of regrets are huge, the list of wrong decisions even longer than that. Ultimately I wish I could just start over 20 year ago and made different choices. I cant so I just need to just carry that around with me as unobtrusively as possible.

I'll give credit to the many who called it here, too many to name! 

Ultimately I suspect I'll just be left with nothing.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I was asked if I saw myself having time for someone else in my life and the truth is I probably do not.

This is your choice. No doubt you've designed your life to be single, because your were single your whole life. But relationships - all relationships be it family, friends or romantic partner - take compromise. You can choose to now live your life differently, with different priorities. I realize it's much easier said than done, but at the end of the day it is your choice.

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I cant escape the feeling I have missed out on a lot in life being with her has only made that even more clear, the list of regrets are huge, the list of wrong decisions even longer than that. Ultimately I wish I could just start over 20 year ago and made different choices.

You can start making different choices now. I'm about 10 years older than you. Met my now wife when I was 43, we got married and had our child when I was 45. I started a new career when I was 47. I feel like I'm living my best life right now, and it is decidedly different than my life 10 years ago.

[Versacehottie]

ZA, you sound depressed, like clinically.  The pessimism is all over all of your posts for a long time (maybe the entire time I've ever seen them). It's all very fatalistic and black and white thinking.  Maybe you have the low grade kind of depression so you think you are fine because you are managing your life but in reality your life experiences are subpar, your thoughts not pleasant, and pervasive hopelessness. I think if anything you should check into it with a professional. To me, this sounds like way more than an issue with this woman (or any woman) and having the ideal relationship or being better at dating, I suspect won't change your outlook on life much or for long. It's like your emotional set point is stuck at a very low level, which impacts how YOU experience life. Good luck

[Calmandfocused]

ZA, I’m very sorry to see nothing has changed particularly. 
 

However I’m pleased to see that you can at least appreciate her value and worth, even though you’re still predominantly fixated on the “woe is me” mentality. 
 

I was so hopeful that you were finally turning things around for yourself, but unfortunately your biggest obstacle is still you. I’m very sorry to hear that. She was willing to give you a chance and that’s the furthest you’ve ever got from what I remember. 
 

Id urge you to speak to a professional ZA. You don’t sound in a good place. At all! 
 

You know people don’t have to be in relationships. You can live a fulfilling life without one. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to want something that deep down you don’t. 
 

Personally I think it’s time you read the writing on the wall  where this lady is concerned. It’s not fair on either of you.

But at least you tried 

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I cant escape the feeling I have missed out on a lot in life being with her has only made that even more clear, the list of regrets are huge, the list of wrong decisions even longer than that. Ultimately I wish I could just start over 20 year ago and made different choices.

Ultimately I suspect I'll just be left with nothing.

In the words of Dr Phil, “the only thing worse than wasting 20 years of your life is wasting 21 years of your life. 25 years of your life. 40 years of your life.”

It seems rather foolish to me when presented with a new opportunity to experience life in a different way to pass that by and throw it away by saying - “I wish I had known them what I know now, I would have done things differently.” You have an opportunity to do this differently now - but your pessimistic and self defeatist attitude is going to do exactly that - sabotage any bit of happiness you may find in this life.

In the words of Henry Ford, if you believe that you can’t, you are right. 

 

[ZA Dater]

21 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is your choice. No doubt you've designed your life to be single, because your were single your whole life. But relationships - all relationships be it family, friends or romantic partner - take compromise. You can choose to now live your life differently, with different priorities. I realize it's much easier said than done, but at the end of the day it is your choice.

 

You can start making different choices now. I'm about 10 years older than you. Met my now wife when I was 43, we got married and had our child when I was 45. I started a new career when I was 47. I feel like I'm living my best life right now, and it is decidedly different than my life 10 years ago.

I think being set in ones ways is very difficult to change. Perhaps the difference now is I do not really put dating on a pedestal like I once did. Look, I am still going to keep working at this and see what happens, everyone in my small circle of confidants really likes her which is great I guess. What is difficult to to try rid myself of the "what if" scenarios and the so called 'aspiration" type dating. 

Then again the other truth is "one does not know what one had until its gone" hence I am going to keep trying. The other truth is a feel such acute disappointment in other aspects of life which is impacting my though process to some degree, I made huge sacrifices which I realise now were in vain. 

[ZA Dater]

39 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In the words of Dr Phil, “the only thing worse than wasting 20 years of your life is wasting 21 years of your life. 25 years of your life. 40 years of your life.”

It seems rather foolish to me when presented with a new opportunity to experience life in a different way to pass that by and throw it away by saying - “I wish I had known them what I know now, I would have done things differently.” You have an opportunity to do this differently now - but your pessimistic and self defeatist attitude is going to do exactly that - sabotage any bit of happiness you may find in this life.

In the words of Henry Ford, if you believe that you can’t, you are right. 

 

Your posts are always very appreciated so I am going to share even more.

I wish this were true but I did believe I could but the objective facts suggest I really cant. Yes, its a new experience but my limitations are glowingly obvious "lets go on a long weekend, we leave Thursday and come back Sunday" the reality is I cannot do that, my work commitments make this impossible. Maybe the elephant in the room has always been that everything I try to attain I never seem to accomplish, I try be kind to myself and then accept the outcome and appreciate the fact I tried , it just becomes a circle of endless disappointment and I am certain this casts a shadow on my attempts to date. 

Its why I guess I very quickly go drawn to aspiration dating, it felt pretty good to walk around with a model, it felt pretty good to sit with someone who spoke beautifully with supreme confidence, it feels good to help others, often to my own detriment, I am loyal to a fault and generally I'll walk to the earth to help those close to me. It felt good to get attention from a petite yoga instructor, all these experiences made me feel good because just in honestly I did not deserve them to begin with. That's always the rub, throughout my life, nothing I ever seem to do is ever good enough, "well done" is seldom heard. I just never feel like I achieve anything.

Make mistake I have had some great experiences with her, cooking, a hike in the pouring rain, a road trip, many simple things, taking her to one of my favourite places and I want to try continue with but above paragraph is never far away. 

Maybe I just need to think less! Thanks for reading.

 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

my limitations are glowingly obvious "lets go on a long weekend, we leave Thursday and come back Sunday" the reality is I cannot do that, my work commitments make this impossible.

People who work long hours and shift work manage to have relationships. Of course, it requires compromise but it is possible.

31 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe the elephant in the room has always been that everything I try to attain I never seem to accomplish

I’m sorry ZA, but I will not join your pity party. I don’t see any barriers here that are insurmountable. I don’t see any barriers here that you have not created yourself. 

32 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Its why I guess I very quickly go drawn to aspiration dating, it felt pretty good to walk around with a model, it felt pretty good to sit with someone who spoke beautifully with supreme confidence

Are you still trying to sell this - because, we’ve talked about it at length. If you are going to pass up an opportunity to have a genuine relationship because of some preconceived fantasy you have created in your mind - I feel sorry for you. 

35 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am loyal to a fault

Obviously not, if you are passing over a good woman in search of a fantasy that is not real or attainable. 

37 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

That's always the rub, throughout my life, nothing I ever seem to do is ever good enough

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - some people are bound to be unhappy whether single or in a relationship. You are definitely one of those people. 

Good luck to you. 

[smackie9]

If you just put a spring in your step, smile on your face, and glow with positivity, things will come your way. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

My limitations are glowingly obvious "lets go on a long weekend, we leave Thursday and come back Sunday" the reality is I cannot do that, my work commitments make this impossible.

Do you get annual leave?   Assuming you do get it, do you have to take it all in one lump, or can you take a long weekend here and there?

Quote

Maybe the elephant in the room has always been that everything I try to attain I never seem to accomplish, I try be kind to myself and then accept the outcome and appreciate the fact I tried , it just becomes a circle of endless disappointment and I am certain this casts a shadow on my attempts to date. ......That's always the rub, throughout my life, nothing I ever seem to do is ever good enough, "well done" is seldom heard. I just never feel like I achieve anything.

If I'm not mistaken, you're likely aiming too high in all areas.  Why not break the goals into steps and work on achieving one step at a time?   And being kind to yourself doesn't stop at "well, I tried".  It can also involve saying "I could push this thing harder and higher, but that would take away from other things which are important to me, so instead I'll look for balance" 

As for the "well done", this is mostly used when encouraging children.  But as adults, we need to be able to recognise when we've done well and congratulate ourselves.   Is your manager always on your back about not doing a good enough job?  Correcting your errors?   If not, that means you're doing your job well.  Give yourself a pat on the back.   Does your workplace ever give out bonuses?  If so, do you ever receive them?  If so, that's a HUGE "well done"

Edited June 22, 2022 by basil67
typo

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

People who work long hours and shift work manage to have relationships. Of course, it requires compromise but it is possible.

I’m sorry ZA, but I will not join your pity party. I don’t see any barriers here that are insurmountable. I don’t see any barriers here that you have not created yourself. 

Are you still trying to sell this - because, we’ve talked about it at length. If you are going to pass up an opportunity to have a genuine relationship because of some preconceived fantasy you have created in your mind - I feel sorry for you. 

Obviously not, if you are passing over a good woman in search of a fantasy that is not real or attainable. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - some people are bound to be unhappy whether single or in a relationship. You are definitely one of those people. 

Good luck to you. 

Unattainable for me, not for others that is really what it boils down to. I went to a dinner with her and her friends and their partners, everything was going pretty well before this but I wont lie I did not find any common ground with anyone and felt like a useless spare part most of the evening, very uncomfortable in the extreme. In isolation I can go to lunch with her, go to dinner and enjoy her company but I know not fitting in with that social group is going to become a problem. 

There was a long weekend away with that group which I could not make due to work commitments but again I would have just felt like an outsider. For me that outsider feeling is among the worst, actually worse than rejection.  

Sitting there trying to make conversation was work and what conversation there was around the table I just got excluded from.

 

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Do you get annual leave?   Assuming you do get it, do you have to take it all in one lump, or can you take a long weekend here and there?

If I'm not mistaken, you're likely aiming too high in all areas.  Why not break the goals into steps and work on achieving one step at a time?   And being kind to yourself doesn't stop at "well, I tried".  It can also involve saying "I could push this thing harder and higher, but that would take away from other things which are important to me, so instead I'll look for balance" 

As for the "well done", this is mostly used when encouraging children.  But as adults, we need to be able to recognise when we've done well and congratulate ourselves.   Is your manager always on your back about not doing a good enough job?  Correcting your errors?   If not, that means you're doing your job well.  Give yourself a pat on the back.   Does your workplace ever give out bonuses?  If so, do you ever receive them?  If so, that's a HUGE "well done"

Reality is I aim high because that is what I actually want, I have been patient for a number of years but irrespective nothing really changes. To be honest there is one singular thing which is the most important to me, its a lovely wall paper over the cracks type materialistic solution but it is about as evasive as finding oil in the backyard, I bet everything on that, my entire life plan was built on that and yeah I have woken up to the fact its unlikely to ever happen. 

My entire long term goal is gone and nothing else really interests me. The unfortunate reality is the more challenging something is, the more I like it and the greater my attraction is. A was never going to date me but it was a great idea, K would not date me but again it was a great idea, heck this goes back to the first crush I had and actually asked out, she would not date me either. 

Maybe I'll figure it all out one day.