I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

[Helicon5]

Obviously you choose to date because having someone to relate to is important to you. The important thing is to let loose and have fun. I can see where her and her friends talking about doing mushrooms would be concerning since you put so much focus into work. Don't be too hard on yourself wondering what she sees in you unless you feel you're trying to push her away. There is no "perfect person". What matters is if she's very interested and a better person than you feel you deserve then don't let her down by being over-critical. Consider yourself lucky. It's not easy to find good people who care. Take this from a musician who has been far and wide and has seen the worst of the worst.

Good luck!

Edited April 12, 2022 by Helicon5

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

So I spent a lot of time with her over the weekend and as someone said its all very comfortable maybe I wrongly thought relationships are not comfortable and full of compromise. A lot of how we see things is perhaps perception. 

There is a degree of harmony here, we never sort of argue about anything, I am happy to compromise, she is happy to compromise so this is all very good, especially when I look around me and most people seem to continually argue with their partner.

She seems to love the thoughtful things I do, arrange a special lunch with a platter I know she likes, things like that are easy for me to do and I like doing them, maybe this time the things I am sort of good at do carry some weight.....

People spend their entire lives looking for such comfort and ease in a relationship.  It is not easy to find, and it is a very good sign you don't argue but discuss and compromise. 

I understand your direct expereince is limited, but sounds like you got a very good thing the first time.

Edited April 12, 2022 by SumGuy

[Weezy1973]

On 4/11/2022 at 11:29 PM, ZA Dater said:

So I spent a lot of time with her over the weekend and as someone said its all very comfortable maybe I wrongly thought relationships are not comfortable and full of compromise. A lot of how we see things is perhaps perception. 

There is a degree of harmony here, we never sort of argue about anything, I am happy to compromise, she is happy to compromise so this is all very good, especially when I look around me and most people seem to continually argue with their partner.

She seems to love the thoughtful things I do, arrange a special lunch with a platter I know she likes, things like that are easy for me to do and I like doing them, maybe this time the things I am sort of good at do carry some weight.

I think the best thing about this relationship is that it has challenged some of your thoughts patterns around relationships. I believe you mentioned before that you met some of her friends and they seemed to be in stable, happy relationships, which you didn't really believe existed. And what you're describing here is pretty healthy too. Most of us keep advising you to go to therapy so you can challenge your though patterns (perceptions), but this seems to at least be doing somewhat of the trick for you.

 

That being said, it sounds like the reason this "works" may indeed be because you're not that attracted to her. So you didn't have the same level of anxiety and fear as you might have with someone you are attracted to. You being compatible with her in a lot of ways is great, and like I said, this sounds pretty healthy in a lot of ways. But the question you have to ask yourself is this:

 

Is the lack of sexual escalation on your part due to fear / anxiety /shame? Or is it because you're not really attracted to her?

[ZA Dater]

On 4/15/2022 at 8:47 PM, Weezy1973 said:

I think the best thing about this relationship is that it has challenged some of your thoughts patterns around relationships. I believe you mentioned before that you met some of her friends and they seemed to be in stable, happy relationships, which you didn't really believe existed. And what you're describing here is pretty healthy too. Most of us keep advising you to go to therapy so you can challenge your though patterns (perceptions), but this seems to at least be doing somewhat of the trick for you.

 

That being said, it sounds like the reason this "works" may indeed be because you're not that attracted to her. So you didn't have the same level of anxiety and fear as you might have with someone you are attracted to. You being compatible with her in a lot of ways is great, and like I said, this sounds pretty healthy in a lot of ways. But the question you have to ask yourself is this:

Is the lack of sexual escalation on your part due to fear / anxiety /shame? Or is it because you're not really attracted to her?

My views are still mainly the same and softened in some respects. I did not particularly enjoy spending time with her friends, I have nothing in common with those guys and its very awkward but I do try. I have had to pretty much concede that the tall athlete is someone I cannot date so I really have no option but to compromise. 

When I think about what I am attracted to, its the idea rather than what I can actually get. Here I am having to "re learn" what I find attractive. What I am trying to do is what others have said , just go along with it and not over think it. There are a great deal of things about me which make me extremely unattractive to most, she does not have an issue with them. 

Maybe the best thing I can do is move the very attractive unattainable idea out of the dating part of my life to somewhere else.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Maybe the best thing I can do is move the very attractive unattainable idea out of the dating part of my life to somewhere else.

Where else in your life would be a place for women you find very attractive, if not dating?  

I am not going to pick on you because you are not attracted to this lady even though she seems like quite a find from my perspective.  Attraction is what it is.  

Unfortunately,  though, you may be holding onto a ridiculous fantasy instead of fully engaging with reality.  Simply not being attracted to this one individual woman is a whole different situation than yours.  You are engaged with a fantasy which also exists on a linear scale.  So, not only is the fantasy primary for you,  you also downgrade women who don't personify the fantasy as "lesser" and all that you can "get" because you also think poorly of yourself.

That is the piece that you probably need help with, unless you want to be in this situation forever.

Since you are very connected with your work, this analogy might be meaningful to you:

Say you love science, but refuse to engage in any work that doesn't seem likely to lead to your winning of the Nobel prize.  So instead you work in fast food and feel like it's lowly, your co-workers are lowly, and you are as well.  Rather than getting deeply involved in a great scientific career.  

[Trail Blazer]

Wow, dude.  If she really knew what you thought about her she'd rightly run a mile.  You can't bottle this up forever.  I hope I'm wrong, but I see this all blowing up in your face at some point.

I feel sorry for both of you.  You, because of your total dysfunction which you seemingly have no control over and her because it's inevitably going to end in tears for her as the victim of your dysfunction.

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Wow, dude.  If she really knew what you thought about her she'd rightly run a mile.  You can't bottle this up forever.  I hope I'm wrong, but I see this all blowing up in your face at some point.

I feel sorry for both of you.  You, because of your total dysfunction which you seemingly have no control over and her because it's inevitably going to end in tears for her as the victim of your dysfunction.

Yeah, sadly after my initial assessment that you should keep going, after reading your latest post ZB, I agree with TB above. 

[Foxhall]

have not checked in with you for a while,

well at least things looking better than a year ago,

I understand your dilemma of course,

you are happy enough to be with a woman to obtain companionship and having someone to share things with, yet you are struggling to feel really enthused at the thought of any sexual escalation and you are conscious that she is likely to want that,

maybe an emotional connection is enough to sustain the relationship-perhaps some relationships do not need a huge sexual spark.

[chillii]

Unfortunately and l wish l'd been wrong za but as l said day one among all the analyzing is coming to light,your just not into her. Sometimes these things can be cloudy early on especially if you haven't had the experience . The first thing now is just be honest with her.

Edited April 19, 2022 by chillii

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

as l said day one among all the analyzing is coming to light, your just not into her.

From a woman’s perspective, she deserves more than this…

[SingFish]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe the best thing I can do is move the very attractive unattainable idea out of the dating part of my life to somewhere else.

You are uncomfortable with imperfection ie. reality in yourself or in others; the best place to take that is therapy. 

 

[basil67]

While not over thinking certainly has it's place, I think that you're at the stage where you should know if she's someone you want to continue with.   And certainly, she deserves far better than than having you "compromise" to be with her.

Question is: if you decided that this isn't going anywhere, how would you feel if she's no longer in your life?

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

While not over thinking certainly has it's place, I think that you're at the stage where you should know if she's someone you want to continue with.   And certainly, she deserves far better than than having you "compromise" to be with her.

Question is: if you decided that this isn't going anywhere, how would you feel if she's no longer in your life?

I'd miss her.

I think my comment has been taken a bit out of context re attraction, I have always found the tall athletic build to be very attractive but facts are facts I cant attract that sort of person but what I have managed to attract is someone who likes me, finds me attractive, is extremely thoughtful and with whom I enjoy spending time. What I am saying is I need to move past the physical attraction and find other things attractive which I guess to some here may seem odd.

Again I have not been in this situation before so its new but I do know my dating prospects are dire to say the least so I am going to keep trying.

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Where else in your life would be a place for women you find very attractive, if not dating?  

I am not going to pick on you because you are not attracted to this lady even though she seems like quite a find from my perspective.  Attraction is what it is.  

Unfortunately,  though, you may be holding onto a ridiculous fantasy instead of fully engaging with reality.  Simply not being attracted to this one individual woman is a whole different situation than yours.  You are engaged with a fantasy which also exists on a linear scale.  So, not only is the fantasy primary for you,  you also downgrade women who don't personify the fantasy as "lesser" and all that you can "get" because you also think poorly of yourself.

That is the piece that you probably need help with, unless you want to be in this situation forever.

Since you are very connected with your work, this analogy might be meaningful to you:

Say you love science, but refuse to engage in any work that doesn't seem likely to lead to your winning of the Nobel prize.  So instead you work in fast food and feel like it's lowly, your co-workers are lowly, and you are as well.  Rather than getting deeply involved in a great scientific career.  

I am not talking about women, I am talking about life in general.

Lets not kid ourselves here some people DO do a lot better at dating, it would be nonsensical to believe everyone has the same opportunity despite what we are told growing up that we are handsome, attractive etc. etc. 

No I just need to let go of the dating idea which I simply cannot get and focus on what I can. 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Wow, dude.  If she really knew what you thought about her she'd rightly run a mile.  You can't bottle this up forever.  I hope I'm wrong, but I see this all blowing up in your face at some point.

I feel sorry for both of you.  You, because of your total dysfunction which you seemingly have no control over and her because it's inevitably going to end in tears for her as the victim of your dysfunction.

I think she is amazing but my own limitation is how far I am prepared to open myself up, how far i will take the armor off but I will say I enjoy spending time with her, I do not have to be someone I am not and maybe I guess this is the reality versus the fiction I have been striving for for so many years, an ultimately fruitless exercise.

At the end of the day there is a lot wrong with me which will never be fixed, my best bet is to find someone who is prepared to accept the life I live and the huge number of imperfections I have not to mention the hard to hide tangible sense of disappointment in respect of life I walk around with most days. 

I am trying to get things to work with her, I am going out of my comfort zone quite a lot so I am actually trying, she knows all the bad things about me and wants to spend time with me anyway, maybe she just sees the good.

Honestly, I think my main life problem is being set on a life plan and then trying to adapt everything to a plan which is ultimately doomed, with her I can maybe steer that plan in a different direction.

[chillii]

Trouble is , none of that says your really into her, it all just says what it's always said.

Does she ask or push for any answers on things and feelings as yet or ? Main thing is talk about things honestly when it does come around and if she wants to give it more time from there l suppose that's up to her l mean sometimes these things can grow to soooo.

Edited April 20, 2022 by chillii

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think my comment has been taken a bit out of context re attraction, I have always found the tall athletic build to be very attractive but facts are facts I cant attract that sort of person but what I have managed to attract is someone who likes me, finds me attractive, is extremely thoughtful and with whom I enjoy spending time. What I am saying is I need to move past the physical attraction and find other things attractive which I guess to some here may seem odd.

My friend, this is what everyone has been trying to tell you for eons… there is more to attraction than physical appearance.

And now, you have made yourself perfectly clear. You are still very hung up on the idea that you find the tall, thin, athletic, model-like woman attractive - and you are trying to convince yourself to accept a woman who does not fit your “type.” At least you are able to acknowledge that there are other wonderful thing about her - that said, the other wonderful things you like about her are mostly things that she gives to you - she accepts you, she cares for you, she provides companionship. And for that reason, I think she deserves more from the man she is dating. I’m not quite sure why she isn’t expecting more herself. 

[ZA Dater]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My friend, this is what everyone has been trying to tell you for eons… there is more to attraction than physical appearance.

And now, you have made yourself perfectly clear. You are still very hung up on the idea that you find the tall, thin, athletic, model-like woman attractive - and you are trying to convince yourself to accept a woman who does not fit your “type.” At least you are able to acknowledge that there are other wonderful thing about her - that said, the other wonderful things you like about her are mostly things that she gives to you - she accepts you, she cares for you, she provides companionship. And for that reason, I think she deserves more from the man she is dating. I’m not quite sure why she isn’t expecting more herself. 

This post really just sums up why for years and year it was a lot easier to observe dating. Irrespective what I do it is seemingly wrong, irrespective what I like it is also seemingly wrong so yes its a lot easier to just sit in the corner metaphorically. I give her what I can give her and that is to simply be me, she seems to like my banter she says I kiss nicely, I hug nicely, I do the best I can in terms of being thoughtful, being as open as I can be.

Unfortunately this post does touch a rather sad nerve with me because so much of every single day I give everything but its never ever enough. Can you really blame me for in thought at least wanting to live vicariously? 

I have spent nearly 38 years on my own so yes its hard to try and bring someone in, she sees the good things in me as I see the good things in her, there is a lot more good about her than me, heck we even had fun cooking and I detest cooking. She is an amazing person but as you say I probably do not deserve her.

[poppyfields]

ZA, ask yourself this - one question.  Well, maybe two. 

Does she "enhance" your life? 

Are you and your life happier with her IN it or not in it? 

Not everyone in a healthy loving relationship feels a passionate physical or sexual attraction for their partner, there is no rule dictating that you should. 

What's important is that she makes you happy, you make her happy, you enhance each other's lives and you're both happier with each other in your lives than without.

 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Can you really blame me for in thought at least wanting to live vicariously? 

You have the opportunity to actually LIVE now, and yet - here you are, in your head overthinking and overanalyzing not only your relationship but the whole process/experience of dating.

I personally don’t buy this woe is me tale that you are trying to spin - I’ve heard it before. Sorry to be blunt, but as has been said before - people who are unhappy with themselves and unhappy in life tend to be unhappy whether they are in a relationship or not. This is proof positive.

If you want to live life - live your life! Get out of your head and quit this pity party…

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[SingFish]

55 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

every single day I give everything but its never ever enough. Can you really blame me for in thought at least wanting to live vicariously? 

Are you depressed? 

I think everyone has certain fantasies or dreams they know are unrealistic but you are very caught up in yours. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

so much of every single day I give everything but its never ever enough.

Never enough for what?

[Trail Blazer]

At the end of the day, all I'm reading is that you're holding back because she's not as hot as the fantasy woman you obsess over.

If you do not tell her how you feel, my only hope is that spending more time with her will see you subconsciously align yourself closer to reality.

Without knowing what this woman looks like, it's hard to know exactly how far she is from your ideal woman, looks wise.  If she is your equal, that's the most important thing.

No-one would expect you to be with someone you find physicially unattractive.  At the same time, though, unrealistic people miss out on so much in life holding out for the unobtainable.

[introverted1]

Have you had sex with this woman?  If not, do you think it's possible that, if/when you do, it will trigger attraction?  It strikes me that you live in your head and possibly moving to a physical plane would change your perception.

[NuevoYorko]

22 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Lets not kid ourselves here some people DO do a lot better at dating, it would be nonsensical to believe everyone has the same opportunity despite what we are told growing up that we are handsome, attractive etc. etc. 

 

That is a profoundly immature and also tone deaf statement.

Do you think that LoveShack is populated with people who believe that "everyone has the same opportunity" to attract what you refer to as "10's"?   Anybody here believe that there are not people who are more attractive, charming, endowed with alluring features (maybe $ or prestige) etc. than we are?  

This is a freaking lonely hearts club discussion group, bro.  Jason Momoa?  George Clooney?  Brad Pitt?  You guys in here?  

Nope,  Just a bunch of us who have often found ourselves struggling and sometimes completely failing.  You kind of stand out, though, in your obsession with GETTING a "10" and how dissatisfied you are with this state of affairs.  

You can move past this, if you wanted to.