I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

March 11, 2022

On 3/9/2022 at 9:53 PM, SumGuy said:

Yes that is very true for people in general. I'm older so have seen that with women who have been divorced for several years and they guilt a life without someone romantically in it day to day.

It's not an easy or even comfortable thing to change daily habits, so nothing unusual there. She'll understand. Small steps. Perhaps think of all those times you felt alone and wanted to be with someone, now you have that.

To be fair that is true and it has brought some degree of balance.

March 16, 2022

I am still severely conflicted on this, there is a lot that I like, there is a lot that appeals to my practical side, my logical side but there is also something missing. I cant really fault her but I think its mostly me, the type of life I seem to have constructed, the goals I have, my thought process, all of these I am realizing are to lesser or greater degrees very incompatible with dating.

How much do I try to re invent the wheel when it comes to the person I am?

At this point I simply want to keep trying and see but I really do not want to hurt her either, for me that is more important to me than whatever I might feel or not feel.

March 16, 2022

You know how tortured you were being single for so long. At times it seemed the loneliness was overwhelming. Also at this point I’d say you’re not simply dating this woman; you’re in a relationship.

One of the keys to successful relationships is communication. So speak to her about the goals you have. A partner can actually support us in our life pursuits. You perhaps have never had someone be supportive and always did things on your own so it hasn’t even occurred to you that partners do that for each other.

Nit to say there won’t be compromise. There always is, but remember that happens on both sides.

March 16, 2022

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

there is a lot that I like, there is a lot that appeals to my practical side, my logical side but there is also something missing.

I believe the word you are looking for is “expectation.” It’s not that something is missing as much as it just doesn’t feel the way you thought it would feel. Very typical of people who tend to overthink and have pre-determined expectations.

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

How much do I try to re invent the wheel when it comes to the person I am?

Previously, the question was how much do I try to reinvent the wheel to try to find someone who will date me? The answer was - not at all.

And now, here you are actually dating a woman, asking how much do I reinvent the wheel to be in a relationship? My life, my goals, my thought process, the very person that I am is not compatible with dating/a relationship. In other words, the answer is - not at all.

I say two things - this isn’t what you expected it would be and that makes you doubt. And Elaine hit it right on the head, the thought of actually having to step outside your carefully constructed life to take a risk to be emotionally intimate or physically intimate with a woman has you pulling back, overthinking, and self-sabotaging. Been there, done that. Recognize it when I see it.

Look, some people have no desire to be in a relationship with another person. They like their life, they like their freedom, they like their solitude, they are unwilling to compromise - if that’s you, more power to you. If that’s the case, live your life. But, if you actually want to experience what it is to be in a relationship with a woman, you will need to learn how to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. You will need to learn how to give up control and consider/compromise with another person. You will need to learn to live with uncertainty because there are no guarantees as it relates to the outcome of a relationship. Do you have it in you, or are you going to retreat back to your comfort zone?

March 16, 2022

Even more obvious at this stage l'd say but as l suggested earlier, she just doesn't quite do it for you. lt can be twisted into whatever with all sorts of explanations as to what's happening but really , that side of things is pretty simple stuff. Separately to your other struggles of being two now verses solo in life.

Edited March 16, 2022 by chillii

March 16, 2022

29 minutes ago, chillii said:

Even more obvious at this stage l'd say but as l suggested earlier, she just doesn't quite do it for you. lt can be twisted into whatever with all sorts of explanations as to what's happening but really , that side of things is pretty simple stuff.

I agree. The way I see this is you found a woman who's into you, you get on well, but for whatever reason you're just not "feeling it" as they say.

You're trying to force yourself into feeling something by logically rationalizing to yourself why you should, but romantic attraction is not logical, it's emotional.

Whether or not you have the capacity to feel certain emotions like romantic attraction with an emotionally available women is another story but the fact remains you are just NOT.

THAT'S what's missing and again a futile waste of your time and energy and HER time and energy attempting to force something that's just not there.

I think it's good you got your feet wet, but imo do yourself and this girl a favor and move on.

You're misleading her and that isn't fair or right imo. It's wrong to use another person to figure yourself out ZA Dater.

Figure yourself out first.

After that, the right person for you will come. Or maybe not which is OK too.

There will be no analyzing your feelings to the nth degree or trying to convince yourself you feel something when you just don't.

It's not supposed to be this complicated.

Edited March 16, 2022 by poppyfields

March 17, 2022

[ ]

ZA, you know what romantic attraction feels like. You've felt it many times with unavailable women. And you know you are just not feeling it with girl and I applaud you for owning that.

Just because SHE is into you and you get on well and now have someone to spend time with is no reason for you to be attempting to force yourself into feeling something you're just not, not to mention continuing to lead her on.

Yes she will be hurt but better now than down the road as she becomes more attached, she may even fall in love with you if not already

[ ]

ZA you are a 38 grown man, not a child. If you find yourself only attracted to unavailable women who present a fantasy for you, then take steps to figure out why that is, first.

Love yourself first.

Again, I just think it's very wrong and unfair to use another person to help you sort these issues out.

This is not a judgment even though it may sound like one. I know you're trying.

You got your feet wet which is great but it's just not happening with this girl.

See this experience as a stepping stone on your path towards higher self awareness, healing and growth.

Jmo and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Edited March 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed references to hidden content

March 17, 2022

A few posts have been removed. Please show OP the courtesy of talking to them, not about them - particularly when the comments do not contain advice.

Edited March 17, 2022 by Lisa

March 18, 2022

I'm not quite sure why ya'll are pussyfooting around and placating this man. What he's doing is hooking in deeper and deeper into the emotional core of this woman and allowing himself to be bathed in her emotional energy while not reciprocating. This is emotional theivery.

@ZA Dater are you aware that you're doing this? I mean you've been stringing this woman along for a while now and it appears that you know she's giving of herself while you cannot.

This will end up hurting her both emotionally and physically if she's still got heartstrings attached to you when you do go out and get that spark with another woman.

That's what it does.

You're hooking into her heart chakra and basically vampirizing this poor woman.

As much as people want to call this hu ha, you might stop seeing it that way once you experience it. Everything is energy, dude. I sincerely hope you're not feeding off of her on purpose.

But if you didn't know, you need to consider the consequences of what it will do to her once you experience the spark with someone. If she remains in love and longing for you, her emotional energy will be pulled out of her as you bond with someone else. Because you have no mutual spark here. This is one sided energetically.

Please let this woman go and allow her time to heal her heart before you go sleep with some younger woman who does it for you physically.

March 19, 2022

On 2/8/2022 at 7:17 AM, ZA Dater said:

Again I am in the no mans land at the moment, she really likes me and yes I enjoy spending time with her but there is none of that "I want to spend every waking moment with you" that I have had with other people I have met over the years. The plus side I guess is all the issues with me do not seem to bother her so that is good, she is very kind which is nice, there are common interests.

On the face of it this is all very perfect but I just does not feel that way and that is probably my fault because there is always a lot going on in my life so I cant totally focus on one thing.

She sounds an interesting person, ZA Dater. I am not sure about the mushrooms but each to their own. If she is able to cope with life and treat you well, then there is no harm as far as I can see.

I do get the strong feeling that she is being too kind to you. You do not have to prove anything to her and so you feel a bit confused and lost. I do believe that men like to feel that they have won a woman over with their charm, talent or whatever, and she is being nice to you which means there is not that great sexual tension. When the fight to win someone is missing, it is best to recognise that rather than assume you are not right for each other. Some people prefer a gentle, kind relationship where each adores the other and there is little stress, and others prefer a more challenging kind of relationship where they cannot take the other person for granted. There can still be sexual tension in a gentle relationship and this is where you could take the lead maybe (with her consent of course)?

March 19, 2022

@ZA Dater As has been discussed often with you before, the women you've felt the most attraction to over the years are women that wouldn't date you. It's understandable given your very limited experience with women, dating and relationships why you would focus so much on superficial attributes. Mostly because, before this woman, your only experience with women was superficial. It was based on what you could see primarily, what they looked like "on paper" and finally the fantasies you created in your mind.

This more succinctly is called a crush. And given your lack of experience, the intense attraction you felt for your crushes (which again was solely based on the superficial and your internal fantasies) makes what you feel towards this woman seem more subdued. A slow burn if you will. And it almost definitely isn't what you expected it to feel like. Of course this woman may not be a good match long term, or you may eventually decide that your life works way better being single than being in a relationship, but I'd advise not to end this just because the intensity of your attraction towards her doesn't match up with your previous (unrealistic) crushes. I'm assuming she ticks the basic boxes (i.e. not overweight, kind, fits in well with your life, able to bring her to events etc.). And from what you've written, I haven't noticed any red flags about her.

Finally, my understanding again, is that this woman understands your history and lack of experience. You've been open about that, and as such I wouldn't concern yourself too much with her emotional well being should you end up breaking up with her. Break ups happen all the time and for all sorts of reasons. If it isn't working for you it isn't working. She'll hurt, but ultimately will recover. We all do.

March 22, 2022

On 3/19/2022 at 7:56 PM, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater As has been discussed often with you before, the women you've felt the most attraction to over the years are women that wouldn't date you. It's understandable given your very limited experience with women, dating and relationships why you would focus so much on superficial attributes. Mostly because, before this woman, your only experience with women was superficial. It was based on what you could see primarily, what they looked like "on paper" and finally the fantasies you created in your mind.

This more succinctly is called a crush. And given your lack of experience, the intense attraction you felt for your crushes (which again was solely based on the superficial and your internal fantasies) makes what you feel towards this woman seem more subdued. A slow burn if you will. And it almost definitely isn't what you expected it to feel like. Of course this woman may not be a good match long term, or you may eventually decide that your life works way better being single than being in a relationship, but I'd advise not to end this just because the intensity of your attraction towards her doesn't match up with your previous (unrealistic) crushes. I'm assuming she ticks the basic boxes (i.e. not overweight, kind, fits in well with your life, able to bring her to events etc.). And from what you've written, I haven't noticed any red flags about her.

Finally, my understanding again, is that this woman understands your history and lack of experience. You've been open about that, and as such I wouldn't concern yourself too much with her emotional well being should you end up breaking up with her. Break ups happen all the time and for all sorts of reasons. If it isn't working for you it isn't working. She'll hurt, but ultimately will recover. We all do.

In all probability I could not have dated those I liked in the past but I certainly felt something rightly or wrongly, here what I feel is a certain degree of contentment, its great to share experiences with her, its great to talk about the mundane things of life. In essence there is nothing wrong with any of this but perhaps having this has made we focus on other areas of life. I am also pragmatic, I could break up with her but I am absolutely certain I would not find anyone else which I guess is a giant admission considering my view on settling.

Its just a look around me and I ask myself "have you really lived" and I think for anyone that is a complicated question to answer because about 85% of what I do each day is to benefit others.

March 22, 2022

On 3/17/2022 at 4:39 PM, poppyfields said:

[ ]

ZA, you know what romantic attraction feels like. You've felt it many times with unavailable women. And you know you are just not feeling it with girl and I applaud you for owning that.

Just because SHE is into you and you get on well and now have someone to spend time with is no reason for you to be attempting to force yourself into feeling something you're just not, not to mention continuing to lead her on.

Yes she will be hurt but better now than down the road as she becomes more attached, she may even fall in love with you if not already

[ ]

ZA you are a 38 grown man, not a child. If you find yourself only attracted to unavailable women who present a fantasy for you, then take steps to figure out why that is, first.

Love yourself first.

Again, I just think it's very wrong and unfair to use another person to help you sort these issues out.

This is not a judgment even though it may sound like one. I know you're trying.

You got your feet wet which is great but it's just not happening with this girl.

See this experience as a stepping stone on your path towards higher self awareness, healing and growth.

Jmo and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

I'll put it like this, there are really no negatives with her, barring perhaps I wish I'd met her 10 years earlier in life. For me life has become about seeing the top of the mountain and attempting to climb there, with the multiple falls that ensue but I never really find myself enjoying the view on the way up, there are probably a dozen reasons why, stuff the used to really irritate me but I have had to learnt to let some of it go and for the rest, well the fact of the matter is no, we are not really ever on the same playing field and no we all do not get the same opportunities.

I'll be very honest here, with dating I did chase a pre conceived idea of what I really wanted, lots of people actually have it but here and now I need to face fact that that idea is not attainable for me. I have been able to see vicariously how nice that can actually work out and yes I have seen how terrible it can be too.

Yes, I am torn about using other people as someone who get used often I know that feeling all too well so either I invest more which is where I am going or I simply pull away and dump dating on the scrap heap, my value as someone to date is virtually zero to be honest, quite how I have managed to keep someone around for three months I have no idea.

March 22, 2022

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In all probability I could not have dated those I liked in the past but I certainly felt something rightly or wrongly, here what I feel is a certain degree of contentment, its great to share experiences with her, its great to talk about the mundane things of life. In essence there is nothing wrong with any of this but perhaps having this has made we focus on other areas of life. I am also pragmatic, I could break up with her but I am absolutely certain I would not find anyone else which I guess is a giant admission considering my view on settling.

Its just a look around me and I ask myself "have you really lived" and I think for anyone that is a complicated question to answer because about 85% of what I do each day is to benefit others.

ZA , personal question but have you been physically intimate with this lady?

If not you need to understand that not only are you depriving this lady emotionally, you are depriving her physically too. Even without knowing her side of the story it seems like she’s getting the worst end of the deal, waiting patiently whilst you figure yourself out.

Wouldn’t you say that seems somewhat unfair? In a relationship both parties needs should be equally considered.

However to be fair to you it’s not like you’re holding a gun to her head to stick around.

The fairest thing to do would be to put an end to any romantic progression. Not being able to find someone else is not a good reason to keep this going.

The fact that you feel “contentment” says to me that this is only good for friendship (at best), nothing more unfortunately.

March 22, 2022

For mine, if you have to think about how you feel about someone then you don't actually feel enough to warrant being with them.

If it's not working for you then it's clearly not going to work for her once she realizes how you feel. The kindest thing for you to do here is walk.

March 22, 2022

It's a tough situation. I see this often with men that have not had any luck in women as they approach mid/late 30s or even 40s. Suddenly they do have options and it's because most women are biologically driven to have children before times run out. So if they want this to happen, they better lower their standards.

This results in men now having girlfriends but them not being quite what they want either. However struggling men think/know that they should stick with this or else be alone. So it results in pairings where neither person is quite in love, but it's more out of convenience. I am now seeing the divorces start with people that married for these reasons and had a child/children.

So ZA, you will likely have more options than ever before as you get older. There is no need to think this is the only option for you and you certainly shouldn't force yourself to be with the first person that has shown an interest in you.

March 22, 2022

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In all probability I could not have dated those I liked in the past but I certainly felt something rightly or wrongly,

Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are.

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I could break up with her but I am absolutely certain I would not find anyone else

First, this is not true. Second, the fear of being alone is no reason to stay with someone. That being said you’ve mentioned a lot of things you like about her so fear of being alone isn’t the only thing keeping you in this relationship.

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I'll put it like this, there are really no negatives with her, barring perhaps I wish I'd met her 10 years earlier in life.

Great! It’s only been three months and she isn’t perfect but this is a great way to see someone. What does it matter if it’s now or 10 years ago?

March 23, 2022

15 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

It's a tough situation. I see this often with men that have not had any luck in women as they approach mid/late 30s or even 40s. Suddenly they do have options and it's because most women are biologically driven to have children before times run out. So if they want this to happen, they better lower their standards.

This results in men now having girlfriends but them not being quite what they want either. However struggling men think/know that they should stick with this or else be alone. So it results in pairings where neither person is quite in love, but it's more out of convenience. I am now seeing the divorces start with people that married for these reasons and had a child/children.

So ZA, you will likely have more options than ever before as you get older. There is no need to think this is the only option for you and you certainly shouldn't force yourself to be with the first person that has shown an interest in you.

For some reference I am nearly 38 and never dated anyone so its not like people have been falling over themselves to date me, its also not like I walk into the room and have my pick of the room either, where I move in life I am pretty much the worst option in any given situation. The 10's are reserved for those with material wealth, charisma and they know how to work with that they have, that is just the reality of life.

I'll be honest I aspired to that but quite clearly no amount of kindness and interest on my part is ever going to make the really attractive people interested in me.

The only people who have been interested in me have been wholly incompatible.

March 23, 2022

18 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

ZA , personal question but have you been physically intimate with this lady?

If not you need to understand that not only are you depriving this lady emotionally, you are depriving her physically too. Even without knowing her side of the story it seems like she’s getting the worst end of the deal, waiting patiently whilst you figure yourself out.

Wouldn’t you say that seems somewhat unfair? In a relationship both parties needs should be equally considered.

However to be fair to you it’s not like you’re holding a gun to her head to stick around.

The fairest thing to do would be to put an end to any romantic progression. Not being able to find someone else is not a good reason to keep this going.

The fact that you feel “contentment” says to me that this is only good for friendship (at best), nothing more unfortunately.

I put the brakes on the romantic side of it a while ago, my problem really is when I look around me, the total and utter disasters of relationships, the arguing, squabbling and it honestly seems absolutely nobody I know is actually happy with their partners, I never hear on good thing and yet here I am seemingly with none of those issues, she does not mind the fact I am very different, have zero experience she just seems to like my company as I do her company. Again there are no issues here and I am TRYING to not self sabotage something because frankly as mentioned my dating value is next to zero, as some here know I love aspirational dating, even though it never really works out to be anything more than me trying to punch above my weight class. That's the thing though, everything I do is built upon that ideal.

March 23, 2022

18 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

For mine, if you have to think about how you feel about someone then you don't actually feel enough to warrant being with them.

If it's not working for you then it's clearly not going to work for her once she realizes how you feel. The kindest thing for you to do here is walk.

To be honest I am fast thinking nothing dating wise will actually work. The inherent problem here is me having to force myself to try be different and trying to reconcile what is to what I actually want, again this pattern runs across my entire life. I want X but I have Y, how do I make myself content with Y event though it's X that I really want?

Again there is a lot I like about her.

March 23, 2022

21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

To be honest I am fast thinking nothing dating wise will actually work. The inherent problem here is me having to force myself to try be different and trying to reconcile what is to what I actually want, again this pattern runs across my entire life. I want X but I have Y, how do I make myself content with Y event though it's X that I really want?

Again there is a lot I like about her.

Yeah, I'm not too sure, bro. That conundrum is beyond the scope of anyone here to be able to help.

March 23, 2022

33 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Again there is a lot I like about her.

What don’t you like about her?

March 23, 2022

Yeah, it was showing you weren't into her physically so no surprises there.

l think your true x's and y's, if you ever find her, will be somewhere in between,but it's not this one.

Edited March 23, 2022 by chillii

March 23, 2022

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I put the brakes on the romantic side of it a while ago...

You're not really "dating" then are you? Since there is nothing romantic happening and she seems OK with that too, even though deep down she might want more.

It's a friendship, so why not simply see it as a nice friendship and take the pressure off this being dating or a "relationship"?

Sometimes it's that pressure that prevents someone from feeling certain emotions that may be there but somehow blocked by all that "pressure," overthinking, over-analyzing and anxiety.

Not saying that's what's happening here, but it might be.

Forget the label or what this 'is.' You enjoy her company, she enjoys yours, she accepts you for you and what you have to give at the moment, you accept her, go from there and stop trying to force a relationship, or even viewing this as a romantic relationship or potentially.

Doing so may actually be hindering the natural flow of what nature and the universe has in store as hokey as that might sound to some.

It's all too forced and pressured.

Something to consider?

Focus on the journey not the destination and enjoy.

Edited March 23, 2022 by poppyfields

March 23, 2022

On 3/22/2022 at 5:35 AM, ZA Dater said:

my value as someone to date is virtually zero to be honest, quite how I have managed to keep someone around for three months I have no idea.

Sounds like you need to learn to love yourself. Also be realistic- no one is completely wonderful, just as no one is completely crap...Find a balance.

Sign In

I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

Recommended Posts

ZA Dater

ZA Dater

Weezy1973

BaileyB

chillii

poppyfields

poppyfields

Lisa

Classicfiction

spiderowl

Weezy1973

ZA Dater

ZA Dater

Calmandfocused

Trail Blazer

Eternal Sunshine

Weezy1973

ZA Dater

ZA Dater

ZA Dater

Trail Blazer

Weezy1973

chillii

poppyfields

SingFish

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...