I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

February 16, 2022

My guess and I could be wrong, but you are facing having to escalate this into a full physical relationship and you are stalling and trying to justify ending it rather than having to do that.

February 17, 2022

13 hours ago, elaine567 said:

My guess and I could be wrong, but you are facing having to escalate this into a full physical relationship and you are stalling and trying to justify ending it rather than having to do that.

Not totally wrong but not totally correct either. Thing is, having someone around is nice but I would not say its transformed my life, its effort to keep up the level of communication and sometimes I wonder if I am perhaps not too quiet. The flip side of all of this inherently we are very compatible being rather similar in our approaches, the things we like, the things we do not like. I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

February 17, 2022

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Thing is, having someone around is nice but I would not say its transformed my life. I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

It’s not supposed to transform your life. We have been telling you all along - no woman is going to “Wow” you, no relationship is going to transform your life -

I have a friend who asks three questions - do you like her, is she a kind/good person, do you have fun when you are together - if the answer to these questions is yes, then go on another date with the woman. Leave the expectations of what you think it “should” be at home - and just enjoy yourself.

February 17, 2022

14 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not totally wrong but not totally correct either. Thing is, having someone around is nice but I would not say its transformed my life, its effort to keep up the level of communication and sometimes I wonder if I am perhaps not too quiet. The flip side of all of this inherently we are very compatible being rather similar in our approaches, the things we like, the things we do not like. I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

You might find if you get to a full physical relationship it is a bit more "wow" and a bit more transformative. I'd say it may already be transformative in a good way, it may take some time before you see or feel a change. Congratulations by the way.

February 17, 2022

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

You might find if you get to a full physical relationship it is a bit more "wow" and a bit more transformative. I'd say it may already be transformative in a good way

Agree.

February 18, 2022

On 2/16/2022 at 10:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

It’s hard to maintain enthusiasm when you’re afraid to escalate on the physical side. For most it’s that physical escalation that propels the enthusiasm and excitement. You’re really going to have to push past your fear. Try Googling how to make a woman orgasm. I remember doing that when I was with my first girlfriend and very inexperienced (although Google wasn’t even a thing at that time) and it worked like a charm.

February 20, 2022

On 2/16/2022 at 10:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

Not totally wrong but not totally correct either. Thing is, having someone around is nice but I would not say its transformed my life, its effort to keep up the level of communication and sometimes I wonder if I am perhaps not too quiet. The flip side of all of this inherently we are very compatible being rather similar in our approaches, the things we like, the things we do not like. I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

A significant other is not there to transform your life. They are not there to fill a hole, but instead to add to a life that is already enriching. This woman sees something in you that she wants to be close to, to learn from.

You have to open yourself up to create a new life with this person. It's not about them coming into your world and conforming (or you going into hers and conforming), so you do have to make some compromises. You can't progress a relationship without investing first.

February 25, 2022

On 2/17/2022 at 4:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

Not totally wrong but not totally correct either. Thing is, having someone around is nice but I would not say its transformed my life, its effort to keep up the level of communication and sometimes I wonder if I am perhaps not too quiet. The flip side of all of this inherently we are very compatible being rather similar in our approaches, the things we like, the things we do not like. I just keep thinking I should be more enthusiastic than I am.

If it's effort to keep up communication then something is wrong. You should want to communicate, all the times, especially at the start of a relationship. Somehow I think that whatever is wrong, has little to do with her and a lot more to do with some kind of dysfunction on your end.

As for your life not being transformed - this is just an unrealistic frame of mind. I don't personally want anyone to have such ability to alter my existence. I transform my life and the beautiful woman in my life just compliments it.

March 1, 2022

On 2/25/2022 at 3:08 AM, Trail Blazer said:

If it's effort to keep up communication then something is wrong. You should want to communicate, all the times, especially at the start of a relationship. Somehow I think that whatever is wrong, has little to do with her and a lot more to do with some kind of dysfunction on your end.

As for your life not being transformed - this is just an unrealistic frame of mind. I don't personally want anyone to have such ability to alter my existence. I transform my life and the beautiful woman in my life just compliments it.

There are just endless me issues to be honest. I think on some level I I regret not having the "fun" times everyone else had in their 20's but having said that I am fundamentally ill suited to that as a person. I try with her, I try to put in the effort, heck I even completely made myself "vulnerable" (according to her).

There are lots of plus points, she really does care, she is very thoughtful, she really does try and she does fit in quite well with my life in general.

I don't know maybe I am just more suited to be on my own.

March 1, 2022

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There are just endless me issues to be honest. I think on some level I I regret not having the "fun" times everyone else had in their 20's but having said that I am fundamentally ill suited to that as a person. I try with her, I try to put in the effort, heck I even completely made myself "vulnerable" (according to her).

There are lots of plus points, she really does care, she is very thoughtful, she really does try and she does fit in quite well with my life in general.

I don't know maybe I am just more suited to be on my own.

Why don't you just stop trying to analyze and be in the moment when you're with her, get out of your head for a change.

Relationships are not about all about logic, analysis, you're supposed to engage your emotions too. You've been single for a long time so maybe understand that you're adjusting to a new experience and give it some effort before you jump to conclusions.

You thought looking from the outside that relationships are easy and that everyone was so lucky to be in one, but they're work just like anything else, you get out of them what you put in. It sounds like she is trying, you need to as well.

Edited March 1, 2022 by dramafreezone

March 1, 2022

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Why don't you just stop trying to analyze and be in the moment when you're with her, get out of your head for a change.

Relationships are not about all about logic, analysis, you're supposed to engage your emotions too. You've been single for a long time so maybe understand that you're adjusting to a new experience and give it some effort before you jump to conclusions.

You thought looking from the outside that relationships are easy and that everyone was so lucky to be in one, but they're work just like anything else, you get out of them what you put in. It sounds like she is trying, you need to as well.

I am trying. Most of what I do is based on logic to some degree which I suppose is why I have been called "cold" and "robotic" in the past. I just think the reality is not really what I imagined it to be. There is one core thing I need in life until I find that/accomplish it I think almost think none of the other pieces will truly fit together.

Edited March 1, 2022 by ZA Dater

March 1, 2022

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

There is one core thing I need in life until I find that/accomplish it I think almost think none of the other pieces will truly fit together.

What is this one thing?

March 2, 2022

On 12/17/2021 at 12:26 PM, ZA Dater said:

Maybe inherently my nature is to always look for "better".

Whenever I read your threads--of which I've seen a quite a few---I always think it's a version of this^^^^^. I think you are looking for the best/better person in sort of a never-ending loop to make yourself feel more adequate or better by association. Prop you up in a way. I know on the surface you feel or say you're accomplished, fill-in-the-blank with whatever adjectives would make you a catch but your actions say otherwise. And the way you are feeling about this current woman you are dating seems to be more of the same TBH.

To be fair, it's hard to decipher if the way you feel is because you GENUINELY feel that way (sort of unenthusiastic) about her/her friends/your potential together OR because you've started the loop where you feel you need more of a trophy. Like the sort of woman who gives you reciprocal attention isn't worthy enough to date and the ones that don't are what you try to get. Ultimately I think the majority of this has to do with your true feelings of self-worth and the fact that you are trying to supplement your personal worth by who you choose to date or could attain as a girlfriend. I kind of think you will always be in this loop or a loop of this sort unless you work on your feelings of self-worth. Apologies if you have been doing a lot of this successfully---the fact that you are dating someone you sort of like, who also likes you is definitely progress...It doesn't mean you won't bump into the same issues that prevented you from getting into a relationship until this point. So if you have been working on yourself, keep working on it and if you haven't and just somehow stumbled into this relationship, work on yourself.

I think we all look for someone that to an extent makes us feel proud of them and thus of ourselves. Some people take it to the extreme though or too far or are so critical of the "exterior"/how something looks on paper that they can't get past anything and get stuck (either in a surface relationship, a trade relationship like gold digger sort of thing with a guy with money or a never-ending search). By critical it doesn't mean you necessarily say it aloud but it does mean you are constantly in critique mode. One thing I've never understood with people that do a similar thing and maybe it's what you should strive for is that at a certain point perhaps around 4 dates in, people move past the excitement of what the other person is "on paper" and the person becomes a real PERSON to them, ie rather than a collection of facts: for example, she's 44, she's blonde, she's 5'6", she does xyz for a living and so on. There's a point where that stuff fades into the distance and items on the list of facts that you may normally think of as a negative are positive or don't matter because she is "Laura" to you (making up a name) who lights you up and you aren't thinking about the facts. That would require you to not think of any women as a possession or need-filling thing such as "a girlfriend", "my date" and more as a person with whom you connect. And you'd have to open yourself to truly connecting to do that. Got to somehow get swept up by the person herself rather than how you present as the guy with that person.

March 3, 2022

On 3/1/2022 at 11:40 AM, dramafreezone said:

Relationships are not about all about logic, analysis, you're supposed to engage your emotions too.

This!

You got to get out of your head ZA or you are going to sabotage a good thing. Loving someone is an experience, not a thought. I hope you can stay in the moment and open yourself up to the feelings -

March 3, 2022

On 3/2/2022 at 6:25 AM, Versacehottie said:

Whenever I read your threads--of which I've seen a quite a few---I always think it's a version of this^^^^^. I think you are looking for the best/better person in sort of a never-ending loop to make yourself feel more adequate or better by association. Prop you up in a way. I know on the surface you feel or say you're accomplished, fill-in-the-blank with whatever adjectives would make you a catch but your actions say otherwise. And the way you are feeling about this current woman you are dating seems to be more of the same TBH.

To be fair, it's hard to decipher if the way you feel is because you GENUINELY feel that way (sort of unenthusiastic) about her/her friends/your potential together OR because you've started the loop where you feel you need more of a trophy. Like the sort of woman who gives you reciprocal attention isn't worthy enough to date and the ones that don't are what you try to get. Ultimately I think the majority of this has to do with your true feelings of self-worth and the fact that you are trying to supplement your personal worth by who you choose to date or could attain as a girlfriend. I kind of think you will always be in this loop or a loop of this sort unless you work on your feelings of self-worth. Apologies if you have been doing a lot of this successfully---the fact that you are dating someone you sort of like, who also likes you is definitely progress...It doesn't mean you won't bump into the same issues that prevented you from getting into a relationship until this point. So if you have been working on yourself, keep working on it and if you haven't and just somehow stumbled into this relationship, work on yourself.

I think we all look for someone that to an extent makes us feel proud of them and thus of ourselves. Some people take it to the extreme though or too far or are so critical of the "exterior"/how something looks on paper that they can't get past anything and get stuck (either in a surface relationship, a trade relationship like gold digger sort of thing with a guy with money or a never-ending search). By critical it doesn't mean you necessarily say it aloud but it does mean you are constantly in critique mode. One thing I've never understood with people that do a similar thing and maybe it's what you should strive for is that at a certain point perhaps around 4 dates in, people move past the excitement of what the other person is "on paper" and the person becomes a real PERSON to them, ie rather than a collection of facts: for example, she's 44, she's blonde, she's 5'6", she does xyz for a living and so on. There's a point where that stuff fades into the distance and items on the list of facts that you may normally think of as a negative are positive or don't matter because she is "Laura" to you (making up a name) who lights you up and you aren't thinking about the facts. That would require you to not think of any women as a possession or need-filling thing such as "a girlfriend", "my date" and more as a person with whom you connect. And you'd have to open yourself to truly connecting to do that. Got to somehow get swept up by the person herself rather than how you present as the guy with that person.

This post really made me think a lot!

There is some degree of truth in all of it. I am struggling to channel any reasonable amount of enthusiasm into this because its entirely foreign. Sure I try and communicate as often as I can and we meet up generally a few times a week for dinners/lunches but my entire life is built around being alone so its incredibly tough to try bring someone else into it.

The problem with self worth and I am going to be honest here, a lot of my life is not built on that, I take bruises to my sense of self worth on an almost daily basis and I need to keep picking myself up. I'll also admit that the bold is mostly true. When it comes to dating I have to be honest I never really felt a huge amount of dating excitement, some though, yes we get along really well, yes I someone fit into her life, she is fairly besotted by me and unusually everything that is wrong with me does not seem to matter, yes I have someone to take to events who fits in really well.

I suppose again, this may make things rather clearer re the others threads, I am generally not someone who shows a lot of emotion. Which I guess does not help either but what is different here is she really does like me as I am so that fact alone keeps me trying to overcome the many issues I have.

March 3, 2022

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I suppose again, this may make things rather clearer re the others threads, I am generally not someone who shows a lot of emotion.

Well your nature is your nature, but you're going to have to try to engage your emotions somewhat though. Logic, analysis has a place in interpersonal relationships, but work synergistically with emotions. A person that is exclusively reliant on one or the other (logic or emotion) is operating sub-optimally.

You could really use a regular therapy session, which is not meant to demean you, I think we could all use therapy. You need to be ok with asking for help, and I say that as someone that also has a problem asking for help, I like to figure things out on my own but it's not always possible.

March 3, 2022

I don’t know your story, except for this thread, but I’m wondering how old you are.

Also: Have you guys had sex yet? Because that should give you a little pointer as far as compatibility and bonding are concerned.

March 4, 2022

14 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

This post really made me think a lot!

There is some degree of truth in all of it. I am struggling to channel any reasonable amount of enthusiasm into this because its entirely foreign. Sure I try and communicate as often as I can and we meet up generally a few times a week for dinners/lunches but my entire life is built around being alone so its incredibly tough to try bring someone else into it.

The problem with self worth and I am going to be honest here, a lot of my life is not built on that, I take bruises to my sense of self worth on an almost daily basis and I need to keep picking myself up. I'll also admit that the bold is mostly true. When it comes to dating I have to be honest I never really felt a huge amount of dating excitement, some though, yes we get along really well, yes I someone fit into her life, she is fairly besotted by me and unusually everything that is wrong with me does not seem to matter, yes I have someone to take to events who fits in really well.

I suppose again, this may make things rather clearer re the others threads, I am generally not someone who shows a lot of emotion. Which I guess does not help either but what is different here is she really does like me as I am so that fact alone keeps me trying to overcome the many issues I have.

About the part you bolded in my response, the general idea (if you haven't heard it before) is that people with low self esteem or not a great sense of self-worth will be suspicious of or devalue someone that sees the value in THEM (or you in this case). By suspicious of, there is a sense that "something must be WRONG with the person", like the woman you are dating, when that person has genuine interest in you/due specifically to the fact that she has interest in you! Typically people with this issue will distrust or be suspicious even if it's sort of unconscious or you can't connect the dots of the reasons behind what is going on. So it will chip away at your interest. Such as if initially you were excited about her and thought she was very pretty, or other things that seemed excited about her personality.... and now that she is liking you back and you are getting to know her and can tell she has feelings for you and reciprocates your attention, you don't see that part of her (like don't see her as good looking as you initially did, find yourself feeling lukewarm in general etc). Some of this probably goes on so unconsciously I doubt you might even realize it except for the end result. I can tell though from reading your threads for a while that this was always going on. And now that you've found someone to date, it's bound to perpetuate against the person you found. If I can say honestly, that there's a touch of you objectifying women or women you hoped to date or find, etc. I don't know the full reason but I suspect a big part of it is that you want a perfect object...that the attainment OF would boost your self-esteem...or so you think it would which is why you are constantly in this conundrum.

I think you might be trying to remain detached as a way to protect yourself....such as sort of being afraid to be "found out" as not as wonderful as your partner might think you are right now. Sort of a separate but related issued probably.

Usually or often people that struggle with their self-worth and are feeling sort of lackluster about the person they are dating will sort of keep devaluing them. The mind seems to like to balance and re-calibrate things. So if you aren't feeling that worthy, and this woman likes you something must be wrong with her, so you bring down her value in your mind. Perhaps you do it at first in your mind (take down her looks a notch, take down her personality a notch or two, dislike her friends and what she's about) and then if you keep dating her in spite of these sort of nagging thoughts you might start to express some of these things to her, like truly trying to take her down some notches. Point is: it's problematic if you don't get a handle on it. I think some sort of therapy would be good and specifically talk about your dating.

I do think it's sort of normal (enough) that you don't "show" a lot of emotion. Sort of common enough that it's not surprising let's say that. But wondering why you don't feel it? If you are spending time with someone and you enjoy the time you spend, I just wonder at a certain moment why certain things don't start to tug at your heart strings about that person or melt your heart. Even a person doesn't have to be 100% your person/soulmate to do that. In a way, I think accessing your emotional depth is a challenge for you that's why you don't feel much about her/anyone and stick to the surface stuff. Also something to ask this therapist about. Because there's not a lot of emotional depth and you play on the surface of all the relationship stuff that's why it's hard to tell if you are genuinely not into this woman or bumping into some of your "stuff". It mainly shows you that you need to deal with it. Otherwise you'd be in danger of longing for women you cannot get/trophy women or even if you had the good luck to get one of those, you wouldn't be able to access your emotions to keep her. Or with this woman (who actually might be a "trophy" as well!), you aren't able to see or value her in that way, thus you can't reach a deep, fulfilling relationship with her/anyone that's reciprocally interested in you. In other words, you will keep searching, feeling unfulfilled and missing out if you don't deal with it. It's probably not in the other person you've always been seeking. It's in you...fix that/work on that and likely the rest will follow.

*ps not saying to ditch this girl. You might have only a limited window to deal with yourself before she finds what you are offering unfulfilling to her--however, the best way to work on some of your stuff is in a relationship. Like you would need the experience and practice of doing it will a real person who is interested in you and in whom you have interest. It's an experiential thing--to just do studying, therapy and exercises let's say, is different than being in IT trying to do it. BTW, I'm in no way advocating using her or stringing her along to get this experience and growth, but if you like her and aren't sure if you should break it off, perhaps give it that chance while you work on some things definitively about you. Good luck

March 7, 2022

Although there is one very simple and pretty general thing going on here imo , separately from ZA other issues. ZA, she's this, that, she does this does that and she's willing and patient with you, butttttt. Many people out there can fit that bill, that doesn't mean it grows and we'll feel all the good stuff though and with this one, that ain't gonna be happening either l'm sorry, that is very obvious.

Whether you would want to make that time and do all the normal things we usually just can't wait to do with the right person and the relationship just automatically grows and takes on it's own new life, or you won't , is a separate issue. But your first and main issue with this women is, that she just doesn't make you want to be doing them. She simply just doesn't push the right buttons for you , your not in love with her and you won't be falling in love with her.

Edited March 7, 2022 by chillii

March 8, 2022

ps , even you've said in all your threads ZA , this sort of thing would never work for you butttt, at least your trying it this time that's a great start , and you've gotten past one date too.

March 9, 2022

On 3/4/2022 at 6:05 AM, Versacehottie said:

About the part you bolded in my response, the general idea (if you haven't heard it before) is that people with low self esteem or not a great sense of self-worth will be suspicious of or devalue someone that sees the value in THEM (or you in this case). By suspicious of, there is a sense that "something must be WRONG with the person", like the woman you are dating, when that person has genuine interest in you/due specifically to the fact that she has interest in you! Typically people with this issue will distrust or be suspicious even if it's sort of unconscious or you can't connect the dots of the reasons behind what is going on. So it will chip away at your interest. Such as if initially you were excited about her and thought she was very pretty, or other things that seemed excited about her personality.... and now that she is liking you back and you are getting to know her and can tell she has feelings for you and reciprocates your attention, you don't see that part of her (like don't see her as good looking as you initially did, find yourself feeling lukewarm in general etc). Some of this probably goes on so unconsciously I doubt you might even realize it except for the end result. I can tell though from reading your threads for a while that this was always going on. And now that you've found someone to date, it's bound to perpetuate against the person you found. If I can say honestly, that there's a touch of you objectifying women or women you hoped to date or find, etc. I don't know the full reason but I suspect a big part of it is that you want a perfect object...that the attainment OF would boost your self-esteem...or so you think it would which is why you are constantly in this conundrum.

I think you might be trying to remain detached as a way to protect yourself....such as sort of being afraid to be "found out" as not as wonderful as your partner might think you are right now. Sort of a separate but related issued probably.

Usually or often people that struggle with their self-worth and are feeling sort of lackluster about the person they are dating will sort of keep devaluing them. The mind seems to like to balance and re-calibrate things. So if you aren't feeling that worthy, and this woman likes you something must be wrong with her, so you bring down her value in your mind. Perhaps you do it at first in your mind (take down her looks a notch, take down her personality a notch or two, dislike her friends and what she's about) and then if you keep dating her in spite of these sort of nagging thoughts you might start to express some of these things to her, like truly trying to take her down some notches. Point is: it's problematic if you don't get a handle on it. I think some sort of therapy would be good and specifically talk about your dating.

I do think it's sort of normal (enough) that you don't "show" a lot of emotion. Sort of common enough that it's not surprising let's say that. But wondering why you don't feel it? If you are spending time with someone and you enjoy the time you spend, I just wonder at a certain moment why certain things don't start to tug at your heart strings about that person or melt your heart. Even a person doesn't have to be 100% your person/soulmate to do that. In a way, I think accessing your emotional depth is a challenge for you that's why you don't feel much about her/anyone and stick to the surface stuff. Also something to ask this therapist about. Because there's not a lot of emotional depth and you play on the surface of all the relationship stuff that's why it's hard to tell if you are genuinely not into this woman or bumping into some of your "stuff". It mainly shows you that you need to deal with it. Otherwise you'd be in danger of longing for women you cannot get/trophy women or even if you had the good luck to get one of those, you wouldn't be able to access your emotions to keep her. Or with this woman (who actually might be a "trophy" as well!), you aren't able to see or value her in that way, thus you can't reach a deep, fulfilling relationship with her/anyone that's reciprocally interested in you. In other words, you will keep searching, feeling unfulfilled and missing out if you don't deal with it. It's probably not in the other person you've always been seeking. It's in you...fix that/work on that and likely the rest will follow.

*ps not saying to ditch this girl. You might have only a limited window to deal with yourself before she finds what you are offering unfulfilling to her--however, the best way to work on some of your stuff is in a relationship. Like you would need the experience and practice of doing it will a real person who is interested in you and in whom you have interest. It's an experiential thing--to just do studying, therapy and exercises let's say, is different than being in IT trying to do it. BTW, I'm in no way advocating using her or stringing her along to get this experience and growth, but if you like her and aren't sure if you should break it off, perhaps give it that chance while you work on some things definitively about you. Good luck

She is great and I enjoy spending time with her. The truth is few things really make my heart melt, I think to be completely transparent this is because in life like many people I experience a huge amount of disappointment so I do not really expect anything as a result.

In general I see value in people everyday for different reasons, everyone has value even people I do not really enjoy interacting with. You are right I could probably not keep and A or a K but objectively yes I see its great to have someone to spend time with but do I really "need" someone to spend time with, this question I ask myself often.

Because I am mostly disappointed if she walked away I think I'd be ok with it simply because I at least know I am the problem and to some degree my years of trying to date was more about trying to fit an unsuitable puzzle piece(me) into a puzzle I simply do not fit into.

I am putting in some effort here because the fundamentals are pretty good between her and I and my endless list of issues do not seem to bother her too much and she seems to genuinely find something attractive about me.

What you need to understand, after being on my own all these years its very difficult to adapt to being with someone.

At the end of the day and some here will love me for saying this, maybe I just need to settle and concede my life plan will not work.

March 9, 2022

You may well at least end up loving her though, sometimes that could be just as good. l'd give it more time, yourself more time , it's a huge adjustment.

ps, well that is if you'd like to give it more time .

Edited March 9, 2022 by chillii

March 9, 2022

On 3/8/2022 at 1:29 AM, chillii said:

Although there is one very simple and pretty general thing going on here imo , separately from ZA other issues. ZA, she's this, that, she does this does that and she's willing and patient with you, butttttt. Many people out there can fit that bill, that doesn't mean it grows and we'll feel all the good stuff though and with this one, that ain't gonna be happening either l'm sorry, that is very obvious.

Whether you would want to make that time and do all the normal things we usually just can't wait to do with the right person and the relationship just automatically grows and takes on it's own new life, or you won't , is a separate issue. But your first and main issue with this women is, that she just doesn't make you want to be doing them. She simply just doesn't push the right buttons for you , your not in love with her and you won't be falling in love with her.

Not sure I have ever really bought into the concept of love in terms of someone other than ones own family. Look she really likes me so its hard to ignore that, I get to have companionship which is great. I enjoy spending time with her and we have common interests, I can just be me and she seems to like me for being me.

I am however trying however I do think there will probably be a point where I simply do not match up to what she actually wants.

March 9, 2022

On 3/8/2022 at 1:29 AM, chillii said:

Although there is one very simple and pretty general thing going on here imo , separately from ZA other issues. ZA, she's this, that, she does this does that and she's willing and patient with you, butttttt. Many people out there can fit that bill, that doesn't mean it grows and we'll feel all the good stuff though and with this one, that ain't gonna be happening either l'm sorry, that is very obvious.

Whether you would want to make that time and do all the normal things we usually just can't wait to do with the right person and the relationship just automatically grows and takes on it's own new life, or you won't , is a separate issue. But your first and main issue with this women is, that she just doesn't make you want to be doing them. She simply just doesn't push the right buttons for you , your not in love with her and you won't be falling in love with her.

Not sure I have ever really bought into the concept of love in terms of someone other than ones own family. Look she really likes me so its hard to ignore that, I get to have companionship which is great. I enjoy spending time with her and we have common interests, I can just be me and she seems to like me for being me.

I am however trying however I do think there will probably be a point where I simply do not match up to what she actually wants.

March 9, 2022

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

...What you need to understand, after being on my own all these years its very difficult to adapt to being with someone. ...

Yes that is very true for people in general. I'm older so have seen that with women who have been divorced for several years and they guilt a life without someone romantically in it day to day.

It's not an easy or even comfortable thing to change daily habits, so nothing unusual there. She'll understand. Small steps. Perhaps think of all those times you felt alone and wanted to be with someone, now you have that.

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