I'm dating a nice woman but I'm conflicted

[ZA Dater]

It might interest some that I have four dates with the same person and taken her to one event. As always I am going to very honest with you, my virtual friends and confidants, its maybe not what I thought it would be, she is besotted with me (Elaine will like the fact she is 44) but not sure I feel the same. She is very nice to me, invited me to a picnic and brought a variety of lunch for to pick from, this did touch me a bit. I have kissed her. We like a lot of the same things which I think helps everything a bit so there is a lot of conversation.

I went to an event with her and met her group of friends which really was not really my cup of tea but it was OK, I could handle it. What it did perhaps make me realise is a lot of what is said here is fundamentally true re social circles. As usual I did not fit in too well but I expected that so just did the best I could in the situation I was put in.  What I did not like was all the talk of doing mushrooms during a weekend away they all went to. 

Maybe I just like the chase more than the reality, my absolute focus on work and the way my entire life has become designed around that has been thrown into sharp focus. Maybe the wow I chase fades with time? Maybe I do not actually need anyone at all? It is different not having to put in tons of work to be attractive and having to sell myself like a used car salesman sells a car on the last day before payday. 

Maybe inherently my nature is to always look for "better". Maybe its really difficult to come from a position of being a loner to suddenly having someone wanting to spend time with me. She does not come with most of the drawbacks I usually find but equally I find it odd she finds anything attractive about me at all.

Very conflicted at the moment.

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

(Elaine will like the fact she is 44)

I believe you have an older type of soul, so an older woman will suit you well.

"ALL hoped-for things will come to you
Who have the strength to watch and wait,
Our longings spur the steeds of Fate,
This has been said by one who knew."

[jspice]

This is excellent!!!!

this is the first time you seem to expand your thinking beyond your erroneous existing perceptions. You went with someone you wouldn’t usually and look what you found … another teetotaller! If there’s one out there, there will be more. I’m with you about the mushrooms. It’s not appealing in the least but you’re opening yourself up more. 
 

Keep putting yourself out there! You will begin to realise what you actually want. Your last line about the simplicity of single life shows you’re really changing your perceptions. 
 

I will share with you that I did stop dating about 4 years ago after my last relationship, for a few reasons. I needed this single period of my life to adapt to other changes that happened. 
I also took the time to figure out what I want and don’t want in a potential partner. And just being single and appreciating that has been what I needed. 
 

Don’t go back to your comfort zone. Play out where you are right now. 

Edited March 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe its really difficult to come from a position of being a loner to suddenly having someone wanting to spend time with me.

I can relate to that also,

Yet I think loners ultimately have their lives enriched too from meeting someone- its good to have that close companion who will be there for you,

I dont mean being with someone for the sake of it, but if you find common ground and feel there may be something there, it is good to explore that and be prepared to put yourself out there and see where it goes.

which you are doing it appears.

[Weezy1973]

23 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

She does not come with most of the drawbacks I usually find but equally I find it odd she finds anything attractive about me at all.

Very conflicted at the moment.

 

Don’t worry about how she feels about you - you can’t control that anyways. How do you feel about her? What are some of the qualities about her that you like? If the physical side escalates to sex, is she someone you’d like to have sex with?

 

I think you have a real fear of intimacy and sex specifically - or really a fear of being rejected / humiliated. So many of your doubts and conflicts might be your fears trying to make sure you avoid getting intimate. If you like this woman, I’d certainly advise trying your best to push past those fears. 

[SumGuy]

On 12/17/2021 at 3:26 PM, ZA Dater said:

...Maybe inherently my nature is to always look for "better". Maybe its really difficult to come from a position of being a loner to suddenly having someone wanting to spend time with me. She does not come with most of the drawbacks I usually find but equally I find it odd she finds anything attractive about me at all.

Very conflicted at the moment.

Sounds like you are aiming to shoot yourself in the foot.

Perhaps your analytic side can come to the rescue here:    Looking for something "better", well you have nothing now so almost anything is better.  Joking aside she seems fun and into you.

Not surprised you find it odd she finds you attractive, as you find yourself wholly unattractive at a fundamental level.  You should be happy that you are wrong on this.  You do have attractive qualities, she had found them, and you may be surprised even what they are.  I am also not surprised you find it odd she finds you attractive as (in my view) you have a completely messed up and wrong view on what really attracts, granted from what you have seen from your friends who are about the looks and money that is understandable.

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by SumGuy

[Trail Blazer]

It has been a while since I've checked in to this thread.  All I can say is go for it!  What have you got to lose?  Take a risk, see where this goes!  Good luck!

[Weezy1973]

@ZA DaterI was wondering if once you got a girlfriend we’d never hear from you again. If that is the case, congrats! 

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I was wondering if once you got a girlfriend we’d never hear from you again. If that is the case, congrats!

ah that is a nice gesture, checking in.

[normal person]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA DaterI was wondering if once you got a girlfriend we’d never hear from you again. If that is the case, congrats! 

Imagine if after all this time, he found love and happiness and didn't bother to stop in here and let everyone know. I hope all is well, ZA. 

[ZA Dater]

Ok perhaps an update is due.

I have probably seem her more than a dozen times, dinner, walks, breakfast, kissed and cuddled.

She REALLY likes me which in itself is quite rare, I love spending time with her but I do not know how attracted I am really. A lot of the things she does really make me feel good, she is very thoughtful and we have great conversation, she took me to a surprise breakfast, she insists on paying certain dinner/lunch/breakfast bills.

There is a LOT good here so I am pushing through my comfort zone and ironically I think of the above post by Jspice. Its very very different to actually have someone who finds me attractive and even more so in that we have shared interests we can actually do things together.

Look she knows I have zero experience and she still finds me attractive anyway so that is not really an issue I just need to try and not over think everything.

I'll run with this and see where it takes me. She has life experience which I like there is really not a lot I do not like, the issue here really is me overthinking and actually showing some emotion for the change and opening up!

 

[bene]

What a nice update.

I already see a change in you that you go with the flow and don’t find a litany of flaws in her  

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Look she knows I have zero experience and she still finds me attractive anyway

Yes its good too that you dont hide, in a way you put your soul out there,

Ive spent most of life pretending to be someone Im not , which gets maybe short term results but does not sustain,

put your soul out there and let them like it or lump it.

well anyways , good luck.

 

[dramafreezone]

@ZA Datersounds like a lot of your preconceptions are coming crashing down, which is a great thing.  I'm sure I've said this, but all it takes is one.

Plenty of very happy men that found their match were not ladies men at all, they just found their one and never let go.  I'm rooting for you.

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I love spending time with her but I do not know how attracted I am really.

Please don’t sabotage this. 

You have found a good woman who is interested in you and with whom you enjoy spending time - just be grateful. Don’t look for reasons why this is not perfect, reason why it doesn’t feel the way you thought it should feel, reasons why this isn’t the “wow” factor that you thought you wanted. 

Be grateful that she has come into your life and have fun! 

Edited January 18, 2022 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Please don’t sabotage this. 

You have found a good woman who is interested in you and with whom you enjoy spending time - just be grateful. Don’t look for reasons why this is not perfect, reason why it doesn’t feel the way you thought it should feel, reasons why this isn’t the “wow” factor that you thought you wanted. 

Be grateful that she has come into your life and have fun! 

I will try, at the moment I am way out of my comfort zone so yes I will try and not sabotage it. Fun is a strong word for me but I guess the fun part is to actually have someone to share things with, there is a lot of common interests which is nice and she sort of fits into this weird world I live in.

If anything she is probably far too good for me and more than I actually deserve, this is the feeling I need to try get rid of because its a very self limiting one. 

I'll say this though, everything is a lot easier when I do not have to convince the person to find me attractive, if anything she is doing exactly that with me.

The biggest problem I have and its a huge one is a complete inability to articulate feelings, there is a long not particularly interesting reason for this but I am trying to overcome this.

Edited January 18, 2022 by ZA Dater

[chillii]

Nice update za good for you. And don't worry if you did have to convince someone then she wasn't for you anyway that's just all wrong. But yep ditch those feelings she seems to be enjoying it and appreciating you appreciate her back and keep overcoming that stuff . Try to relax with it to though and it should just come naturally if you let it out and open those doors.

Good luck.

Edited January 19, 2022 by chillii

[dramafreezone]

On 1/18/2022 at 11:18 AM, ZA Dater said:

If anything she is probably far too good for me and more than I actually deserve, this is the feeling I need to try get rid of because its a very self limiting one. 

 

You're right, this is how self-sabatoge starts.   This is how jealosy starts.

Think about it this way, you are insulting her judgment if you think that you're not good enough for her.  Does she have good judgment?  If so, then by being with you, she's saying that you are worthy in her judgment, so that means she is not too good for you.  In fact chances are she looks up to you in some way, you have some quality that she wishes she had.

Edited January 20, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

On 1/18/2022 at 11:18 AM, ZA Dater said:

I will try, at the moment I am way out of my comfort zone so yes I will try and not sabotage it. Fun is a strong word for me but I guess the fun part is to actually have someone to share things with, there is a lot of common interests which is nice and she sort of fits into this weird world I live in.

If anything she is probably far too good for me and more than I actually deserve, this is the feeling I need to try get rid of because its a very self limiting one. 

I'll say this though, everything is a lot easier when I do not have to convince the person to find me attractive, if anything she is doing exactly that with me.

The biggest problem I have and its a huge one is a complete inability to articulate feelings, there is a long not particularly interesting reason for this but I am trying to overcome this.

I just had a chance to catch up with this thread, and omg I feel like crying!  Happy tears of course, this is such great news!

I always felt there was a woman out there for you, and thought you were far more attractive than you gave yourself credit for.

Please keep us posted!!    

[ZA Dater]

On 1/21/2022 at 11:06 PM, poppyfields said:

I just had a chance to catch up with this thread, and omg I feel like crying!  Happy tears of course, this is such great news!

I always felt there was a woman out there for you, and thought you were far more attractive than you gave yourself credit for.

Please keep us posted!!    

Thanks.

As I always am here, I'll be honest, we have had a few dinners, a few kisses but I keep having this lingering "need to work to keep her attracted to me" thought process. I can do kindness, I can do thoughtfulness but not sure I can do the intimacy she is going to want at some point. The thing to remember here is everything I do I think about so there is not a lot of "do and think about later".

She seems quite happy with what I do now and the inherent limitations in the walls I have built up around myself so that is seemingly good but I do think in part for me reality versus idea is not really the same, her kindness is endless and I do enjoy having the company so I am going to try just work through this self doubt and see what happens.

[Trail Blazer]

Well done, bud!  This is fantastic to read after the years of trials and tribulations over many threads.  I hope it continues to work out for you!

[ZA Dater]

Again I am in the no mans land at the moment, she really likes me and yes I enjoy spending time with her but there is none of that "I want to spend every waking moment with you" that I have had with other people I have met over the years. The plus side I guess is all the issues with me do not seem to bother her so that is good, she is very kind which is nice, there are common interests.

On the face of it this is all very perfect but I just does not feel that way and that is probably my fault because there is always a lot going on in my life so I cant totally focus on one thing.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

"I want to spend every waking moment with you" that I have had with other people

These thoughts usually occur when we have a crush on someone unobtainable which was your history before this. It’s also indicative of inexperience. Comparing what you have now, a real relationship, to the unobtainable “ideal” in your head is a recipe for disaster. Unrealistic expectations can, and often do, ruin relationships. And the problem usually stems from the expectations being unrealistic, not the relationship itself.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 2/8/2022 at 4:05 PM, Weezy1973 said:

These thoughts usually occur when we have a crush on someone unobtainable which was your history before this. It’s also indicative of inexperience. Comparing what you have now, a real relationship, to the unobtainable “ideal” in your head is a recipe for disaster. Unrealistic expectations can, and often do, ruin relationships. And the problem usually stems from the expectations being unrealistic, not the relationship itself.

 

Have to be honest I think in many respects the idea is actually better than the reality, my advice to those who struggle now is to actually look at yourself and actually decide if you are cut out for dating to begin with. Make no mistake I enjoy spending time with her.

Inherently I think the greatest problem is chasing the unattainable. I do not expect anything from her and I have made sure the expectations from me are similarly low and maybe it is true, maybe I feed off the very superficial which brings conflict with my inherent want to care because those two are mutually exclusive.

The other problem is the sense I have a very specific order I want to do life in, in other words, once I have done that I can do this, the order is not quite right at the moment.

I'll keep working at this.

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Have to be honest I think in many respects the idea is actually better than the reality,

Well fantasies can be tailored to our every want. But as you know, if you live in a fantasy, the end product is loneliness. That being said, this woman may not be “the one” for you and that’s fine. It’s not like she’s the only option. 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Make no mistake I enjoy spending time with her.

But this is important too. And why it’s good to continue on. Don’t compare her to a fantasy or a previous crush. Just assess her based on her. And you enjoy spending time with her. That’s important. How have things escalated physically? I still think a major obstacle for you is sex. Opening up to her about your thoughts and fears over sex might be a good step. 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

maybe I feed off the very superficial which brings conflict with my inherent want to care because those two are mutually exclusive.

This comes through in a lot of your posts. Your disdain for the superficial on one hand, usually when referencing attractive women’s lack of attraction towards you, and your almost laser focused attention on superficial traits that you’re attracted to. Conflicted is a good description. 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

The other problem is the sense I have a very specific order I want to do life in, in other words, once I have done that I can do this, the order is not quite right at the moment.

One of the cornerstones of relationships is compromise. You’ve been alone your whole life so compromise has never been part of your equation. Understandable that you’re struggling with this idea. Keep at it.