Thoughts on this?

[Wanderlust2018]

I’ve been dating a woman for about 5 months now and we are exclusive. She was previously in a relationship for several years (not married) and was single for a couple of years after that and before we started dating. Her former boyfriend unexpectedly passed away about a week ago. I’m sympathetic to that and talked to her at length about her feelings around it, etc. What has me bothered however, is that a few days ago, she shared a memory on FB “that popped up today” of him and her with several photos of them together and such; I know this because we are connected on social media. There have been additional posts about how “he was a legend” and the like. I may be off base, but I feel pretty disrespected because of this. I’m not an overly sensitive person at all, but I just think it’s weird and I’d never in a million years do something like that if I was seeing someone. I get that we’re all different, but it just goes against what I feel is appropriate and not appropriate. Thoughts?

 

[glows]

If I’m understanding “memories” on FB correctly they’re some algorithm that references a specific older post, suggesting a repost to share the memory. She hasn’t actively posted any new pictures online that weren’t already up there. Is that correct? 

If that’s the case this is a memorial of her late ex. It’s as inappropriate as you want it to be. Calling him a legend is her way of remembering him. She may be more overt and open about her feelings than you are.

It’s only five months of dating so see how things go. Five or six months is a good time to figure out whether you’re incompatible in your personalities and values. 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

I’ve been dating a woman for about 5 months now and we are exclusive. Her former boyfriend unexpectedly passed away about a week ago. a few days ago, she shared a memory on FB of him and her with several photos of them together and such. There have been additional posts about how “he was a legend” and the like.

Sorry this is happening. 5 years is a long time and people say nice things about the deceased. It's not about you and the memorials will end soon. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you're being a little out of line here.  A person died.  This is not about you.  She has a right to grieve however she wants, even though it's her ex and she has not been in a relationship with the person for a long time.  Her posting about him is harmless.  What exactly are you afraid of?  The guy is dead, it's not like he can steal her away from you now.  You need to put your ego aside and let her process this however she wants to. 

[Foxhall]

Yes I also do not see anything inappropriate here,

It is a sign of good character  that she speaks respectfully and well of him at this difficult time,

it is not your place to make any judgments on this- your only a new guy on the scene in reality.

 

[Wanderlust2018]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you're being a little out of line here.  A person died.  This is not about you.  She has a right to grieve however she wants, even though it's her ex and she has not been in a relationship with the person for a long time.  Her posting about him is harmless.  What exactly are you afraid of?  The guy is dead, it's not like he can steal her away from you now.  You need to put your ego aside and let her process this however she wants to. 

Well, considering there was infidelity and drug use/abuse on his part, I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

Well, considering there was infidelity and drug use/abuse on his part, I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

Are you suggesting these are crocodile tears so to speak or something to garner dramatic attention on social media?

That seems a bit dark and suggests deep distrust on your part. Perhaps you just don’t trust her or her reactions in general.

Can I ask whether you really see yourself with this person? 

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

I'd never in a million years do something like that if I was seeing someone.

I'm with you on that @Wanderlust2018.

I understand her needing to grieve, but to post on socials about him being a "legend" and posting pics of them together for you to see is a bit much imo. 

To me, it's thoughtless and insensitive.  I'd never do it if in an exclusive committed relationship.

It's not even a matter of whether it's appropriate or inappropriate, or whether your feelings about it are right or wrong, we are dealing with human emotions here and you have the right to feel however you feel whether what she did was appropriate or not. 

I'd be hurt too, but I AM a sensitive person; I am also an empathetic person and I would consider my boyfriend's feelings before doing such a thing. 

Sadly, in today's dating environment, I don't see this happening.  We live in a very 'me me me' society.

She could have mourned privately with mutual friends and accomplished the same thing without all the fanfare.  To me, that would have been more 'appropriate.'  

But then again I cannot stand social media, I think it destroys or causes more problems in relationships more often than it enriches them.

This is a perfect example. 

In any event, while she has right to grieve however she feels she needs to, you also have the right to feel however you feel too. 

There's not really much you can do though unless this is the hill you want your relationship to die on.

But I did want to acknowledge that I understand where you're coming from and I'd be hurt too. 

 

Edited February 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

I’ve been dating a woman for about 5 months now and we are exclusive. She was previously in a relationship for several years (not married) and was single for a couple of years after that and before we started dating. Her former boyfriend unexpectedly passed away about a week ago. I’m sympathetic to that and talked to her at length about her feelings around it, etc. What has me bothered however, is that a few days ago, she shared a memory on FB “that popped up today” of him and her with several photos of them together and such; I know this because we are connected on social media. There have been additional posts about how “he was a legend” and the like. I may be off base, but I feel pretty disrespected because of this. I’m not an overly sensitive person at all, but I just think it’s weird and I’d never in a million years do something like that if I was seeing someone. I get that we’re all different, but it just goes against what I feel is appropriate and not appropriate. Thoughts?

 

Facebook posted memories related to that same date the person posted.

 

how many common friends does she have with him?  How long did they know each other prior to the relationship? Why did it end?

 

She might have loved him, but he wouldn’t take the steps for marriage necessary so she could have ended it because of those things…not necessarily something bad or evil about him.

 

anyone who has any length relationships has positive memories of and can think about some good times they had together.

 

grow up….

 

 

[jspice]

Unfortunately, you’ve been together for mere months. 
they had years together, whatever that relationship was/ turned out to be. 

 

This person who was a huge part of her life just died and it really isn’t for you to say how she should remember him. Only someone made of stone is going to let such an event pass without acknowledgement and it’s pretty self-centred to make this about you. Allow her to feel her feelings. You can feel your feelings too and if it’s too much for you to let her grieve then you should probably let her know that so she can know if that works for her or not. 
 

 

 

[basil67]

It's not like she's been writing memorials for him for years after he died.  Rather, he died just a week ago and FB, with it's unfortunate algorithms, decided to raise the photo at this time and she dealt with it as a shocked and saddened person does.

It's not about you.

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

I've actually been through this almost exactly, except roles reversed.   The death of an ex whom I'd loved.  I actually wrote a piece about her and spoke at her memorial.   My partner was completely supportive.  Of course she was.  

From my point of view, a woman who'd "never do such a thing" as memorialize a once loved person who has died because she was more interested in assuaging the insecurities of a fairly new boyfriend, is a woman who would be extremely dismissable.  

In other words,  sharing about him on social media was a positive thing to do.  The "good boyfriend" thing for you to do is continue to be supportive while she goes through the grieving process and realize that this really has nothing to do with you.  

 

[michaeljames]

has she talked to you about her ex? maybe, she likes to get social attention on facebook.

does she talk to you about him? 

it would be okay to talk to her about it.

i dated a girl but occasionally she would always bring up her dead ex boyfriend and shared the same story. 

i don’t think she ever got over him and was in a bad position to date. 

maybe you want to give her space? 

maybe just end sooner than later as this is clearly a red flag for you. no harm in ending it. you have needs and she may be damaged goods from this death.

let us know the results.

 

Edited February 27, 2022 by michaeljames

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

Well, considering there was infidelity and drug use/abuse on his part, I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

I am going to guess you have never lost an ex-partner. 

I have. Speaking from experience, unless you have been her shoes, that particular grieving process is incredibly tough to understand for people who have not been there. I don't see anything particularly insensitive about what she's posted. She is remembering the good parts of his life. 

Don't make a huge issue out of this. It's a memory. That's all. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

 I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

Well why are you dating her then?  She is not "celebrating".  A human being who she knew died. And you're jealous? Take some time off from dating for a while.

[introverted1]

20 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

I’d never in a million years do something like that if I was seeing someone. I get that we’re all different, but it just goes against what I feel is appropriate and not appropriate. Thoughts?

Facebook memories are not automatically shared, so she took deliberate steps to do so and then added commentary ("he was legend" etc.).  This isn't something I'd do, especially if I was in a new relationship and knew my new SO would see these posts.

You're not going to get a consensus here (or anywhere else, I suspect) so the real questions come down to:  why do you think she is doing this?  Are you willing to discuss the reasons and your feelings with her?  Is this a deal-breaker?

Edit for clarity:  I would want to acknowledge the passing of someone I once loved.  But I would take care to do it in a way that also respected the feelings of the person I currently love.

Edited February 27, 2022 by introverted1

[Tullyseptember]

Grief is immense and does not have an end date.  The pain of loss will ebb and flow...a person who mourns can have periods of peace and then feel that grief almost like the loss  just happened. 

Your girlfriend is only at the beginning of this...she will be feeling the emotions of the past relationship and the loss of what the relationship wasn't and of course what it was.   

I don't know either of you and I could very well be off base on my thoughts. 

I do know relationships that had abuse and addiction in it.  I know the loss of that person who was addicted and abusive.  The grief is complex and it takes an very strong individual to be able to support the journey through it.

 

 

 

[FMW]

It's understandable that you might feel jealous or even insecure about her loving expression about her ex.  

I'm not sure how old you are, but life experience may be part of the issue.  Usually deaths happen later in life when we have a little more life experience.  That  life experience often helps us realize that we can love more than one person along the way and prior loves do not diminish our love for and the importance of someone new.  The old loves are  not magically erased and removed from our heads and hearts, they are part of us.

I love my guy deeply, I feel very happy and fortunate he's in my life.  Last year, someone I loved very much and was previously involved with died.  I grieved his death.  It's not my style to make social media posts about personal feelings, but I did respond to others' posts with the heart "love" and not just a thumbs up "like".  My emotions for him had/have nothing to do with my guy and take nothing away from what I feel for him.  Our love is active and now.    

I'm also on the flip side of the issue.  My guy's wife died a little over 3 years ago. Things occasionally come up, usually in conversations from other people, where his sadness pops up.  I won't pretend I never feel twinges of jealousy, but I realize they are unwarranted.   We both have pasts that have made us the people we are today.  The important thing is our relationship, here and now.  I know he loves me and that I'm important in his life.  Not being the first and only doesn't change that.  

Unless your girlfriend starts acting differently with you and your relationship changes for the worse, don't put more importance on her grief for someone from her past than is merited.  

That's my opinion and experience.  If you really do have a problem that you can't get past with this issue with her, you will need to reconsider continuing your relationship with her.  

[smackie9]

I find it sad...he cheated on her, and was a lost soul to drug abuse and yet she can still have some kind of compassion for the loss of life. She isn't doing this for herself, she is doing this for his family and friends.

[glows]

I don’t have any strong feelings about this topic but am not on social media and dislike publicizing emotions like this such as grief so no comment on that.

I’d be curious to hear back from the OP on his take and whether he feels he’s compatible with the person he’s seeing or whether he sees himself dating her at all if they are too different. 

 

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

Well, considering there was infidelity and drug use/abuse on his part, I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

How is she being "celebratory"?  She's remembering a person who died.  The infidelity, drug use, etc is not very relevant now.  You shouldn't say anything to her about this or you will look like a really insensitive and selfish person.

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

Well, considering there was infidelity and drug use/abuse on his part, I suppose I wouldn’t be so celebratory. They broke up for a reason…ya know?

sir doth protest too much, methinks...

Seems she's mastered the art of forgiveness and you've yet to understand the assignment.

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am going to guess you have never lost an ex-partner. 

I have. Speaking from experience, unless you have been her shoes, that particular grieving process is incredibly tough to understand for people who have not been there. I don't see anything particularly insensitive about what she's posted. She is remembering the good parts of his life. 

I've been there too, and l'm glad you're bringning up it's a tough grieving process that a lot of people don't understand.

OP, in death there is no more resentment. We had been divorced 13 years when my ex-husband died and l was floaded with condoleances on my FB. I was emotionnally destroyed even if l had been out of love for him for many years. At his funeral came his very first girlfriend he had dated when a teenager and she was crying and very upset by his passing.

There is a saying in my language: you can never win against the dead. 

Support your gf in her grieving. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I don’t see it as celebratory but even if it was, it’s marking the impact/passing of human life, and what they once had together. Like others have said, I think after someone dies, it is natural to remember the good parts (at least for me).

I lost my father 30 years ago and my mother 3 years ago, both were wonderful but also very flawed people and there was a lot of negative things that happened as I was growing up. That sad, I recall all the good times not the bad. They did the best they could, of that I’m certain.

I will be gutted if I outlive my exH, regardless of how much time may have passed.

Edited February 28, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[salparadise]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I understand her needing to grieve, but to post on socials about him being a "legend" and posting pics of them together for you to see is a bit much imo. To me, it's thoughtless and insensitive.  I'd never do it if in an exclusive committed relationship.

 

7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Facebook memories are not automatically shared, so she took deliberate steps to do so and then added commentary ("he was legend" etc.).  This isn't something I'd do, especially if I was in a new relationship and knew my new SO would see these posts.

I agree with the minority on this. I feel that it was inappropriate given that she's now in a new relationship and knew her partner would surely see it. To me it was the posting of pictures of them together that went over-the-top. She could've said something nice and brief but not overly personal like other acquaintances of his probably did. I cringe nearly every time I look at Fakebook, and mindless oversharing of sappy personal shyt is usually the reason.

Of course I don't know @Wanderlust2018's girlfriend, but I do know that generally people do stuff like this because of a perceived benefit. Not that it's necessarily calculated, but if it were a person who was not well thought of it almost certainly would not have happened. And if the relationship ended because the guy cheated and abused drugs, you'd think she'd have played it low-key. This variety of attention-seeking isn't seen as egregious or even noticed by the FB crowd, but I find it irksome even if I don't know the folks, so I can certainly empathize with OP and his feelings. However, OP, you shouldn't make an issue of it because you'll be a baaaaaad person if you do. Just file it away as a datapoint to refer to at some future date when making decisions. I hope this is the worst thing you ever have to post about.