How to develop indifference towards my husband

[RecentlyMarried]

We married recently after 1 year of dating but we have known each other a long time. Unfortunately our marriage started with some very challenging things. One is that the mother of the child, who lives abroad, unexpectedly brought the child in between the year basically with no school....so my husband found himself with a child full time job and no school and childcare. We sorted all out together. However soon after marriage he kept flaking out on important things. Taking extra work including on weekends booking weekends with his friends without telling me in advance. I said this wasn't right but kept doing it. I found myself alone looking after his kid as well as mine all day every day. He would come back 9 or 930 pm and all I had was two extra people to look after. I have cancer and waiting for the next biopsy. One day he said he'd take me away for my bday. He forgot about it and arranged to go out with his friends. It was a final straw. I totally cracked. I said I didn't want to see him any more and that he should arrange childminding and schooling in a different way. I gave him a week. I had a total meltdown about it in which I felt suicidal and took an overdose. I totally understand that this is my own responsibility and not his and I said this to him and apologised for the scare I gave him. He said he didn't want to break up but moved to his flat. Since this happened I have seen him once and we hardly talk. He says his child no longer wants to see me. She said she didn't want us married or together even before and now she has completely stomped her feet and he is going along with her wishes. Partly because he feels guilty towards the child for putting her in a relationship that turned out harder than we anticipated and partly because he doesn't acknowledge his responsibility. He thinks I over reacted. He said he was devastated by my reaction and by me saying it was over.

I did certainly over react. But I reacted to something. I don't want to throw away a marriage also because I know that there is love between us...however when there are issues his way of coping is shutting down. My way of coping is even worse because I get into deep crises (I am in therapy because these crises I have, fortunately rare, are related to child abuse and not to him directly).

I think the right thing to do for me is just do nothing. Let him sort his life out without me and see where life take us. Maybe it is a phase of growth and maybe is the prelude for legal separation. Maybe we are separated already or maybe it was a big fight. However, how do I find the strength to ignore his indifference? How can I become better at being indifferent? If I give him a call and doesn't answer, says I'll see you on the weekend so we can have a chat and doesn't turn up, how do I disempower him entirely so that whatever he does washes over me? 

And how do I cope with his de facto neglect during one of the most challenging times of my life? I had cancer surgery, the second in 3 months, just 5 weeks ago and waiting for biopsy. I think that if we patch up this fight I will be very resentful that he wasn't by my side at this time. Yet I understand that the words were mine. That I asked him to leave. That putting your kid at home with someone who can get to that stage of taking an overdose is something I wouldn't do to my child. But I also see that by focusing on these he completely fails to acknowledge how little he has put in the relationship and how neglectful he's been.

I want to become indifferent. Live my days without waiting for his calls. I cracked and said I wanted separation and I am not sure now. I shouldn't have reacted without being absolutely certain that this is what I wanted. Part of me would like him back but less neglectful (dream dream???) Part of me wants to protect myself from hurt and shut him out of my life. How do I practice indifference?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Talk to trusted friends and family about the neglect. 

Was this a forced or arranged marriage? Are you required to remain in this? Why are you staying? Healthcare coverage? Economic necessity?

Talk to an attorney to discuss your options in divorce or annulment.

Don't bother with "indifference". Talk to and attorney.

Ask your physician for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Edited February 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[RecentlyMarried]

Thank you for the answer and for your time. I just married him a few months ago because I love him. We have know  each other a long time so I knew he was a bit scatty and disorganised. He has lots of good qualities. I am just not happy the way he has treated me and our marriage during this time but wouldn't want to divorce at least till I am really sure about it. At the moment I want to focus on my health and take no further stress

[Acacia98]

I don't think you over-reacted at all. Your husband is basically using you as unpaid labor and, apparently, neglecting both you and the kids. He's also just going merrily along, doing whatever makes him happy and ignoring your emotional needs and your desire to solve some very real problems. He's behaving like a single man. This is how extremely self-centered people behave.

Your "extreme" reaction is what happens when you tolerate terrible treatment from a person over the long term and feel powerless to do anything about it. You eventually "explode" to save yourself. So, in my opinion, the feelings that led to your decision to end things were the appropriate feelings for the situation. You should follow through with them. Don't make the mistake of apologizing and trying to go back to him. He isn't and will not be remorseful. If anything, you'll end up adopting a more subservient role than before. And you'll become angrier and more resentful. For your sake and the kids' sake, extricate yourself from this situation and focus on building a stable life for yourself and your child.

You notice I haven't mentioned your cancer diagnosis? It's because even without factoring in the fact that you are ill (and I am so sorry for what you're going through), your situation was terrible. Your husband needed to do better. When I do factor in your illness, it makes his offenses even worse. Not only is he selfish, but he also has apparently no sympathy for you in your illness. Heck, this is not love. Whatever explanations you come up with for his behavior, they simply cannot justify his actions.

It is time for you to be more "selfish" and to focus on your needs and those of your child. I don't know how you can go about making yourself indifferent towards him. But I do think you can and should make yourself front and center of your thought process going forward. You have been neglecting yourself for too long.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, RecentlyMarried said:

  He said he didn't want to break up but moved to his flat. 

Are you legally separated? He moved out so clearly you need to discuss divorce/ annulment with an attorney.

It doesn't matter what his kid thinks or does.

The most important thing now is to take care of your physical and mental health. 

Do you have friends and family nearby? How old is your child? How is the co-parent relationship?

If you are feeling uneasy or suicidal, discuss that with your physician and therapist. You can also call a mental health line for support at any hour at any time.

Most importantly can your child stay with the father or extended family? 

You seem to fragile right now to care for your child. Your husband moved out so contact an attorney about abandonment, annulment and divorce. You may still be able to get health insurance if you are divorced.

Do you work? Are you on sick leave for the cancer or mental health issues?

[RecentlyMarried]

Thanks both. Yes i want to focus on my health and not have more stress at the moment. I am not sure I can claim abandonment because I asked him to leave but at the moment I can't cope with the stress of legal documents. He needs to mature and sort himself out; honestly, I wrote about his 'failures' towards me, which I know are awful and unacceptable, but he is not a bad person; he is a very imperfect person. However, at the moment I just want to take care of myself; I don't want to fix our relationship and don't want to continue to stay in a relationship where, as Acacia says, I end up being free labour for him. I do work, yes; I have 2 jobs. I took 2 weeks sick leave and now I am on a phased return to work. I am doing psychotherapy privately - I don't have clinical diagnosis of mental health issue, but this is the second time I felt really overwhelmed and not wanting to live any more. Fortunately that awful feeling has lifted and I don't want for it to come back. My own child is 17 and lives with me. His dad isn't around very much and lives about 4 hours away, for 6 months, and abroad for the remaining 6 months. The rest of the family as well is abroad as I am an immigrant. I have very close friends, yes, but I do realise I have both internal and contingent vulnerabilities (the cancer, the lack of nearby family, full financial responsibility for me and my child...). My current husband has been source of support in many ways and having him near through, say, consultations, surgery, has made a huge difference to me. He has a very loving side to him; but he also has a very selfish childish side to him. Thank you for now; your words mean a lot because they help me to bring the focus back to myself. Acacia, you helped me to cement my perception. Wiseman, I will look into the legalities as soon as I feel better. Or anyway, as soon as my biopsy comes back and I will know what is next. If it is clear, I will have a certain mindset and if it is not clear, then I will have a different mindset; either way, the marriage situation will need to be sorted. 

[Acacia98]

41 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't think you over-reacted at all. Your husband is basically using you as unpaid labor and, apparently, neglecting both you and the kids. He's also just going merrily along, doing whatever makes him happy and ignoring your emotional needs and your desire to solve some very real problems. He's behaving like a single man. This is how extremely self-centered people behave.

Your "extreme" reaction is what happens when you tolerate terrible treatment from a person over the long term and feel powerless to do anything about it. You eventually "explode" to save yourself. So, in my opinion, the feelings that led to your decision to end things were the appropriate feelings for the situation. You should follow through with them. Don't make the mistake of apologizing and trying to go back to him. He isn't and will not be remorseful. If anything, you'll end up adopting a more subservient role than before. And you'll become angrier and more resentful. For your sake and the kids' sake, extricate yourself from this situation and focus on building a stable life for yourself and your child.

Having read Wiseman2's response, I realize I didn't take your suicide attempt into consideration in my first response. As a consequence, my response could easily be interpreted to mean something other than I intended. I'm sorry about that. I meant to say that your decision to end the relationship was not an overreaction. And when I advised you to follow through, I meant I thought you should follow through on your decision to end the relationship.

Your attempt to take your life was an extreme reaction to your circumstances. BUT I can see why you felt like you were being pushed in that direction. You have a lot on your shoulders, way more than the average person would be able to cope with. I know I would have struggled terribly under similar circumstances. I think you need a better support system. And professional mental health support is a very important part of that equation. Wiseman2 has given you some very good advice.

[glows]

12 hours ago, RecentlyMarried said:

I want to become indifferent. Live my days without waiting for his calls. I cracked and said I wanted separation and I am not sure now. I shouldn't have reacted without being absolutely certain that this is what I wanted. Part of me would like him back but less neglectful (dream dream???) Part of me wants to protect myself from hurt and shut him out of my life. How do I practice indifference?

 

Is being indifferent something your therapist advised you to be more of? Where is this coming from? I ask as It appears unreasonable. Is this something you wish for yourself?

Trying to become unfeeling, uncaring, indifferent and fighting your resentment and not accepting your emotions is making this worse for you. It is ok to feel disappointment and overwhelming grief both at realizing what your husband is and your cancer diagnosis. You’re fighting to be strong but telling yourself you shouldn’t feel as much and that’s not ok. You’re not dead. You’re alive. I’d keep processing these emotions fully and eventually make up your mind about the childishness as you call it about your husband. 

Do you still feel suicidal? Have your local hotline close to you when you feel you may lean that way again. Call the suicide hotline. Tell your doctors about feeling suicidal and be open about this. Please don’t hide what you feel or feel shame because of your emotions.

Keep posting and writing or visiting the forum if it helps. We are all a work in progress. 

[mark clemson]

While I don't "advise" people to divorce, I think the first step towards "indifference" would be actually deciding firmly what you want. This is easier said than done, but you won't be indifferent if you are ambivalent.

It sounds like both of you have significant emotional issues to work through, e.g. via therapy as several folks are suggesting.

Edited February 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/26/2022 at 1:41 AM, RecentlyMarried said:

She said she didn't want us married or together even before and now she has completely stomped her feet and he is going along with her wishes.

I hate to break it to you, but I am quite sure it's him that doesn't want to be married anymore. Maybe she doesn't, but he sure doesn't appear keen to keep the marriage together. He has made no time for you and doesn't seem to care about you at all. 

It's time to end this, OP. He is already gone and likely just too chick-s** to formally disolve the marriage, and is waitng for you to take the hint and do it. 

Please, take care of you and your health. This man is adding nothing to your life but stress and pain. Do right by yourself and make steps to legally separate so you can free yourself from this illusion of a marriage. It's not about developing indifference and stuffing your pain down. It's about listening to that pain and taking the best course out of it. 

[elaine567]

My guess and I could be wrong, he was always looking for a step Mom for his child and you conveniently fitted the bill.
He was likely expecting his ex to renege on child care at some point.
He had found a way to fulfil his child care duties,  whilst having no impact on his life.
He left it all to you.
Perfect.
You were only there to be nanny/housekeeper. 
When you broke down and couldn't do "the job", he had no further use for you.
His kid doesn't like you either so he has effectively shunned you from his life.
Forget about trying to absorb all the hurt and upset, that is not healthy.
Wallowing in all the pain will only damage you.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

[RecentlyMarried]

I don't think he set up to have free childcare. His child was living far away with her mother. She said she was returning wanting to live with him one week before she actually returned so there was indeed some challenging time for him having full time job full time child care and a new wife with cancer. I am not underestimating this. I really don't think he has had the intention of being exploitative. He just slipped that way quickly within a few weeks. It is not an excuse. I still think his behaviour is not acceptable. At least it is not acceptable to me. Thanks again everyone for your perspectives.

Edited February 27, 2022 by RecentlyMarried

[ExpatInItaly]

Regardless of the situation with his child, he is a crappy husband and has emotionally checked out of the marriage. 

Especially during this very difficult time in your life, you deserve a man who is going to be your biggest support and source of strength. Given your health status, I find it reprehensible that he has basically washed his hands of you. 

This is not a good person. And it is unhealthy for you to try to force yourelf to be indifferent to that. Recognize that your gut is screaming at you for a darn good reason. 

[vla1120]

@RecentlyMarried I am really sorry about your situation. Your number one priority right now needs to be YOUR health and welfare. I am glad you have a therapist you are working with. Hopefully, he/she is giving you good advice about setting firm boundaries with your husband because you should put your foot down and set some parameters about your expectations of him if you decide to let him come back. When his wife is battling cancer, his priority needs to be taking care of HIS child and his wife in his home - not spending the weekends with his friends. You said he's generally a good guy. If this is brought to his attention, he should recognize what he has done wrong and be willing to make amends and start being involved at home and helping you through your health issues. Will he go to therapy with you? He needs to do better and you need to be very firm and open with your expectations of him. 

Also, while his daughter might be slightly traumatized by your suicide attempt, he needs to set the tone for the family dynamic. If he had shown loyalty to you and to your family, this would not have happened in the first place.  Take care of yourself and make your health (mental AND physical) a priority. 

 

[elaine567]

On 2/26/2022 at 12:41 AM, RecentlyMarried said:

He said he didn't want to break up but moved to his flat. Since this happened I have seen him once and we hardly talk. He says his child no longer wants to see me. She said she didn't want us married or together even before and now she has completely stomped her feet and he is going along with her wishes. Partly because he feels guilty towards the child for putting her in a relationship that turned out harder than we anticipated and partly because he doesn't acknowledge his responsibility.

 

On 2/26/2022 at 12:41 AM, RecentlyMarried said:

If I give him a call and doesn't answer, says I'll see you on the weekend so we can have a chat and doesn't turn up,

I doubt she is in any position "to put her foot down".
He has already checked out. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

How to develop indifference towards my husband?

If you are asking this question, that alone says that your marriage is/should be over. 

I agree with the statement above, it’s unhealthy for you to stay in a marriage where you have to find a way to become indifferent toward your spouse - because that’s what you need to do to be able to stay in the relationship. The healthy thing to do here is to end it. 

I’m sorry, I wish you well with your treatment. 

Edited February 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Just to be clear - with regards to him coming home at 9 -9:30 each night, was he working or playing?     If it is working and he was pulling an afternoon shift, did he help in the mornings before he went to work?

[RecentlyMarried]

@basil67yes working. Always working. Even the weekends, he was still arranging 'work' (he plays professionally in a band). But that doesn't detract from the fact that I was still left to do the job of four and he didn't support me, and took extra gigs to make money without consulting, even on my birthday weekend. So I am very clear about how uncaring and disrespectful he has behaved. But yes, nothing like going out drinking with his friends, at least not that!

[glows]

Have you heard anything yet on your biopsy? 

[RecentlyMarried]

No  news from the biopsy! It being slow is probably a good sign. However the secretary told me that the biopsy is back and the consultant has to write to me a letter. X

[glows]

11 minutes ago, RecentlyMarried said:

No  news from the biopsy! It being slow is probably a good sign. However the secretary told me that the biopsy is back and the consultant has to write to me a letter. X

I’m sorry it’s taking so long but you’re right that might be a good sign. Fingers crossed it’s better news. 

Edited March 4, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

I agree it's a good sign.  If it were serious they would call you in or call your primary care doctor and he would call you. Prayers for you.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, RecentlyMarried said:

 However the secretary told me that the biopsy is back 

Ask the office for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Also ask about support groups.

Your new husband is not ready willing or able to be with you or supportive through all this. You don't want a divorce, you want more interaction which he won't provide.

The best thing you can do is follow up with your physicians, ask for appropriate referrals and help and seek out support from friends, family and support groups.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do is follow up with your physicians, ask for appropriate referrals and help and seek out support from friends, family and support groups.

I completely agree with this and forgot to mention support and counselling for yourself and any loved ones.

Take care of yourself and keep posting these updates. 

[Annama]

Hello, I am so sorry to hear your story. How are you feeling? Do you guys talk at all or are you both on NC currently?

2 months ago I ended things with my partner of nearly 4 years. Neglection and being an afterthought being the main reasons. The straw happened to be on my birthday as well.

I love him so very much. But I had to put myself first. He broke up with me 2 years ago a week before my dad died of short illness. Apparently I was extremely difficult to be around. I am not disputing that. I probably was. Many people would.

He found me and made amends and we were really good with occasional bumps. Until now.

I am sorry to insert my story but I just wanted to let you know that I can almost imagine how you feel. You are not alone....talk to us.

Wish I could talk to you...

Is it ok to ask how old are you Both and how long you two know each other?   

Edited March 15, 2022 by Annama