Luckyworld Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 I have a genuine question, my partner has a lot of experience and some knowledge to share and usually gives advice or opinions to those around. However, most of the time he gives said advice/opinions when it’s not asked for. He says those around him are always appreciative including myself on some days, but more often than not I find myself disrespected and incompetent by the way he “gives” me his wisdom. He doesn’t mean to condescend, but the way he delivers his messages tend to affect me in such a manner. I can’t figure out how to properly articulate how I feel to him because he is only worried that I am not accepting his good intentions. I can appreciate him trying to be nice and good but how do I be appreciative and corrective at the same time?
glows Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 It doesn’t sound like he respects you at all nor does he agree with the way you go about your life. You’re his partner so why should he assume that you need daily or regular handholding and navigation with your ongoings? Aren’t you intended as his equal if not for having your own strengths even if they differ? Or, is it not a goal to date your intellectual equal or someone you can see eye to eye with without overexplaining or disagreeing constantly? Do you ever disagree with him or do you feel pressured to follow his advice? While it’s natural to want to help a loved one, I’d think that a person’s faith and trust in their partner is equal to that of what they have in themself. It would be a dealbreaker if I constantly felt like someone couldn’t trust me to come to my own solutions and conclusions. Tell him gently but firmly that you’re letting him know what’s going on when something comes up and that you don’t necessarily need him to solve your problem. You just need a listening ear. I’d hope he’s interested in your life, in you, to stop talking for a moment and appreciate that you just need a moment to sort your thoughts.
Wiseman2 Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 5 hours ago, Luckyworld said: I find myself disrespected and incompetent by the way he “gives” me his wisdom. He doesn’t mean to condescend, but the way he delivers his messages tend to affect me in such a manner Is he generally a know-it-all? It seems like he enjoys mansplaining to you. Don't ask for help or opinions or try to have discussions couched as questions. Next time he offers unsolicited advice, say thanks for your opinion then change the subject. 2
vla1120 Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 15 hours ago, Luckyworld said: I find myself disrespected and incompetent by the way he “gives” me his wisdom. He doesn’t mean to condescend, but the way he delivers his messages tend to affect me in such a manner. I can’t figure out how to properly articulate how I feel to him because he is only worried that I am not accepting his good intentions. I can appreciate him trying to be nice and good but how do I be appreciative and corrective at the same time? Ugh. Mansplaining. Next time he does this, tell him you appreciate his breadth of knowledge, but you like learning things on your own and not having everything explained to you. Tell him you've got this, and if you have any questions, you'll ask him. The other thing I've done in this instance is to handle it with humor. Like, if he tries to show you how to hold a hammer, for example, take it from his hand and use it upside down, holding the metal part and using the wooden handle to hammer and say "You mean like this?" Sometimes, humor has been the most effective way to show them their mansplaining is annoying as.... 2
basil67 Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 Given that he does it to everyone and quite frequently by the sound of it, I’m going to suggest that this is who he is and you’re unlikely to achieve change. You may have to figure out if it’s a dealbreaker 3
ShyViolet Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 I'm guessing that this is a lot more than him just "giving advice". Maybe you should stop calling it that, stop dancing around the issue, and call it what it truly is, that he is being disrespectful and condescending to you. He's insisting on giving you "advice" with no regard whatsoever about whether you want that advice or how his tone and approach makes you feel. Stand up for yourself and call his behavior what it is. When he does it, be blunt and direct and say something like "You're being rude and condescending right now and I don't appreciate it."
smackie9 Posted March 1, 2022 Posted March 1, 2022 I agree it's time to call him out on this bad habit of his. If he doesn't seen to care or whatever, then you are going to have to decide whether it's worth it to stay. Sometimes it's just part of who they are as a person...tough to break something they have done for most of their life. 1
SingFish Posted March 1, 2022 Posted March 1, 2022 On 2/24/2022 at 10:15 PM, Luckyworld said: how do I be appreciative and corrective at the same time? Well you don't want to join in with the condescending tone I presume! Gently then I guess.
SumGuy Posted March 1, 2022 Posted March 1, 2022 On 2/24/2022 at 11:15 PM, Luckyworld said: I have a genuine question, my partner has a lot of experience and some knowledge to share and usually gives advice or opinions to those around. However, most of the time he gives said advice/opinions when it’s not asked for. He says those around him are always appreciative including myself on some days, but more often than not I find myself disrespected and incompetent by the way he “gives” me his wisdom. He doesn’t mean to condescend, but the way he delivers his messages tend to affect me in such a manner. I can’t figure out how to properly articulate how I feel to him because he is only worried that I am not accepting his good intentions. I can appreciate him trying to be nice and good but how do I be appreciative and corrective at the same time? He thinks people judge him by his intentions when in reality they judge him by his actions. I suspect others find it annoying as well, but are polite or big enough to let it pass. It can come off as condescending because the mere act of "explaining" can imply you do not understand. Communication courses are al about how to convey information in ways people can receive. If he is truly interested in helping others, then that can motivate him to work on how he delivers his message. For such folks in my personal life, as long as they can listen and admit they are wrong or not all knowing (as it happens) then I usually let it pass and focus on the good qualities and try to keep in mind their intent. For me the one who most springs to mind is so often wrong (or maybe right for how they like to live but way off for me) that it borders on amusing and I can divert them fairly easily. 1
SumGuy Posted March 1, 2022 Posted March 1, 2022 On 2/26/2022 at 5:20 PM, ShyViolet said: I'm guessing that this is a lot more than him just "giving advice". Maybe you should stop calling it that, stop dancing around the issue, and call it what it truly is, that he is being disrespectful and condescending to you. He's insisting on giving you "advice" with no regard whatsoever about whether you want that advice or how his tone and approach makes you feel. Stand up for yourself and call his behavior what it is. When he does it, be blunt and direct and say something like "You're being rude and condescending right now and I don't appreciate it." I'd give odds he will explain how not rude or condescending he is, in a condescending manner 1
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