How do I know how my boyfriend feels about me?

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, NotsureIknow said:

yes to all of the above. I have met his inner circle of most of his friends; I met his only sibling a few weeks and will be meeting his grown kids this weekend. we are planning a short trip in 2 months and he talks about planning a longer trip later this year/early next year. He usually pays when we go out with some limited exceptions. He did remove some snow when his brother was visiting and helps out a little.

If he got divorced…he might know what to say so he’s on the safe side afraid he might turn you away if you felt he was being too serious early on.

you might not be showing how you feel.

[basil67]

I agree with all that has been written about being wary.  And that it's waaaay to soon to be considering this.   Also, @smackie9's mom's idea about having a 'gentleman friend' but not co-mingling assets is wise.  My father in law did exactly the same with his 'lady friend' for years.  

But let's say you're still together in another year and you start to consider it.  First up, don't combine your assets without full disclosure of his assets/debts.  And I'd likely get a legal document drawn up (similar to a pre-nup) which gives you your share back if you should go your own ways.  And if you decide to be more generous in the case of separation, that the agreement will be made null and void if it's discovered that he's not been open about his financial position. 

My other thought is about your own assets at the time of your death.  You don't mention children, but if you do have them, do you want them to be beneficiaries of your estate?  If so, a legal agreement would have to include this too.  And have it backed up by your will. 

[Lisa]

Moderator note: OP has three different usernames @Lookingfortruth, @NotsureIknow and @AMiinorout

All threads on the same topic have been merged.

Edited February 25, 2022 by Lisa

[stillafool]

On 2/24/2022 at 9:39 AM, NotsureIknow said:

However, the other night he said (while we were being intimate), "I love doing this with you.  I didn't know what I was missing all these years."  I thought he was going to say "I love you", but that wasn't what happened. I haven't said it yet either maybe b/c I'm old fashioned and expect the man to say it first or perhaps I'm concerned he doesn't feel that way.

Do you think he is still in love with his ex wife?  That is my guess but he does love having sex with you.

[Amitobelieveandgoforit]

I'm in a relationship with someone for 7 months.  At his suggestion, we have decided to live together starting in a few months.  We are older so I'm not certain if the recommended one year rule applies. 

Here's what I do know about him....he is who he appears to be. By that I mean, he has nice adult kids, a brother he is close with and many nice friends, all of whom seem well grounded.  He is a lawyer and does not bullshxx or otherwise mislead.  However, he seems hypersensitive about his ex wife.  They were married for 34 years and been divorced for 3.5 years or so. She asked for the divorce but she is alone and do not believe she has gotten through it.  He has told her he is in a relationship with me and apparently, she has been worse to deal with than before.  Their son is engaged and having an engagement party (the son and fiancé are giving it just for their friends and their parents and not the parents' friends). He told me the other night about this and said I'm not included because his ex would be too upset and she's emotionally fragile from the divorce.  Needless to say, I was perturbed. I told him I'm his partner and his ex is just that, an ex! By the way, he refers to her by name and never uses the "ex" term. I further told him that the only people before me should be his children always but after that, it needs to be me.  Further, I told him he compares me with his ex even telling me we both dress nicely...told him that is totally inappropriate and I never need to hear her name unless absolutely necessary.  

He was understanding and not defensive. Told me he loves me and would not be wanting to live with me unless he wants to have me in his life.

Of course, moving is an advantage to him since it's in his area of town and he won't be spending any more money but will have a larger unit, albeit sharing it with me. I, on the other hand, have to sell a large home and move to another town.  I do really like the new area but there's much more involved for me so I told him I need to know I'm not going to be 3rd fiddle and moving forward, I need to be part of his family's celebrations.  If his son and his fiancé aren't comfortable with me at this party, that's fine but the reason shouldn't be b/c his ex will feel uncomfortable and may make a scene. I also told him he should be focused on my happiness and not how his ex is feeling  - she needs to get therapy or whatever help and I won't be blocked from being involved b/c she always may feel uncomfortable.

Am I being reasonable??

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Amitobelieveandgoforit said:

I'm in a relationship with someone for 7 months.  At his suggestion, we have decided to live together starting in a few months.

his ex wife.  They were married for 34 years and been divorced for 3.5 years or so.  He told me the other night about this and said I'm not included because his ex would be too upset and she's emotionally fragile from the divorce.

What the huge rush to live together? You would be wise to get to know him better. Not just "checks out on google" better but these types of nuances.

As far as family parties  with his children, a very recent GF of only weeks would be awkward for his kids. The party is for them, not you.

Slow way down. Try not to fast forward like this. If his kids didn't invite you, don't take it personally.  You seem quite unsure of and insecure in the relationship.

[Amitobelieveandgoforit]

His kids are ok with me being at the party. It's b/c he feels his ex will feel uncomfortable - why should that be the deciding factor. BTW, I told him the last thing I want to be is a distraction but the bigger issue is that he's is overconcerned about his ex even when he knows I'll be hurt.

[Amitobelieveandgoforit]

Also, I've been excluded from other events b/c she was going to be there like a mutual friends' son wedding and the wedding shower where both the men and women were invited. It's a pattern.

[mark clemson]

I've never been divorced, but IMO it's reasonable for you to ask to stop being excluded from family events just because the ex will be there. You may want to give one more "pass" on the engagement party but ask that future events will include you (e.g. including the presumed eventual upcoming wedding).

I've had some experience dealing with alienated family members, and things can certainly get awkward. He knows his ex better than you do and it's possible, depending on what kind of "scene" she may be willing to make to spoil things for others, you might regret going. She may be lacking in emotional maturity or have other issues. However, in the absence of strong evidence, I'd say go. If she doesn't want to have to see him with you, she can skip things herself or figure out timing, etc.

[glows]

You’re starting to see a pattern in the family and it’s only reasonable to trust your gut on this. Unfortunately for whatever reason it seems he still feels responsible for his ex-wife’s mental or emotional state and it goes beyond the usual consideration exes have of each other as coparents. 

I wouldn’t sell or move at all. If I have a sliver of a doubt and no good reason to move I would not move or uproot myself to be with someone. Seven months and talking about living together is also too soon. You’re in the first flush of romance and the honeymoon period and you already have reservations about him and his family dynamics. You may say he doesn’t bullsh-t but your instincts are telling you otherwise. 

I wonder what he would say to you or how you’d be treated if you declined moving in with him and suggested dating for the long term until his ex-wife feels more comfortable with your presence. He may or may not finally understand that he needs to move on - with or without you.

 

[basil67]

I'm going to take a different approach.  Given that his kids have welcomed you, I can't help but wonder if it's you who he doesn't trust to have at an event, but he's blaming her to keep the peace.  You've stated that you can't bear to hear her name and want her only referred to as "ex". Sure, this is your choice, but in my opinion it's pretty extreme.  I'm not aware that you have any reason to dislike her to a point that you cannot hear her name.   

Back to family events, how can he trust you to behave in the kind of manner which would be expected at a family event?    For you to be at a joint event, you'd need to be able to be friendly and inclusive of his ex - just as you would any other member of the party.    Perhaps he will start to include you when you can be far more civil about his ex-wife?  

Edited March 28, 2022 by basil67

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Are you kidding me?

if you are older and have a house you own then it should be like 2 years before moving in together.  Why the rush? Keep your life and see how he treats you long term.  You already have problems and some pretty high expectations at 7 months.  You are still pretty much a stranger to all of them.  Building trust and closeness with them  is going to take a LOT more time.  

[stillafool]

Yes I remember your story.   He spent Thanksgiving without you and with his ex and their kids taking pictures, etc.  Then there was an out of town wedding that they all went to and he didn't invite you to.  IDK, he's acting like he still has feelings for her.  There's no good reason that you shouldn't be invited since you guys are a couple and now planning to live together.  If his ex wife knows you two are now going to live together she should expect you at the engagement  party.  Unless, of course, she's the hostess and feels funny about having you in her home, then he should not go as well; but you should be the less petty one and tell him to go.  I think you'd be wise to hold up on the sale of your home because I don't think he's over his ex yet and since she was the one to call for divorce he may not have wanted it.  The other things you've told this forum about their interaction makes me think he's not over her.  Their kids are grown, so there's no reason to keep you hidden.  And to answer your question, you are being reasonable.  I thought you guys were together longer than 7 mos.?

Edited March 28, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Given that his kids have welcomed you, I can't help but wonder if it's you who he doesn't trust to have at an event, but he's blaming her to keep the peace.

I agree.  Chances are she could give a hoot and he is the one wanting to spend that time being a "family" like the old days but he's blaming her.  As I said before she's the one who wanted the divorce.

[Lisa]

Thread closed as this is a previously banned member.