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How do I know how my boyfriend feels about me?

Lookingfortruth

By Lookingfortruth
in Dating

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Just me but if things haven't progressed as you like, more intensity, shared interest in introducing each other to family, etc. maybe it's time to jump ship. Shouldn't have to bend someones arm to want to call you, or put forward effort to make time together more special. Maybe you two will never be on the same page.

I know what it's like. I dated someone for about 3 weeks/month...it felt like he was "fitting me in" and it felt like he wasn't putting in effort to call or anything. I dumped him. Best decision I ever made. 

  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, AMiinorout said:

he texts me today to tell me the next day I'm there (Sunday) he made arrangements for himself at 10 am to get his personal trainer for an hour.  As an afterthought, he texted and asked if I was interested in having a session with the same trainer after him.

Call off the whole weekend. Contact some friends and family and plan fun stuff with them.

Don't hang around his place resenting it.

 Do you feel he keeps you at arm's length?

  • Like 2
ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted

While I do think you're being a bit oversensitive, it sounds to me that you should just reschedule the weekend. 

Make it next weekend instead. 

It's unreasonable to think he can have every weekend free, but it clearly seems he's a bit too busy this particular one. 

Or do like someone else suggested, and go over on Friday and then leave Saturday when he goes to the party. 

  • Like 2
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, AMiinorout said:

I really don't know the right thing to do.  

My boyfriend seems to really enjoy spending weekends with me and we  have done so for several months.  

I mentioned to him last weekend that I would enjoy a call instead of test every now and then.  He eventually did give me a call and said we can to this every now and then.  OK?

But this is what has me upset....

It's my turn to see him this weekend at his place...we live about an hour apart.  But he is going to a party w/o me in the afternoon on Saturday (I was not invited since I didn't know the ppl and they sent out invites when we were only dating  2 months or so and his adult kids will be there and I haven't met them yet).  That is bad enough. 

BUT then he texts me today to tell me the next day I'm there (Sunday) he made arrangements for himself at 10 am to get his personal trainer for an hour.  As an afterthought, he texted and asked if I was interested in having a session with the same trainer after him.

EXCUSE ME but...I'll be sitting around for him a few hours Saturday afternoon while he goes to the party and then he wants me to either leave (I assume) or wait on him another hour the next morning.  We usually leave late morning from either other's home on Sunday. When he visits, it's usually on late Friday night and when I'm going to him I usually come on Saturday but he said I was welcome to come on Friday (I don't work Friday's but he does from his home).

Am I misinterpreting this but it sure seems like he is treating me quite casually and as an "option"?

 

How long have you been dating? The routine might be getting stale, yours and then his, and then your place again. He's showing you rather than telling you that he prefers more variety and wants to spend his weekends doing other things, not only seeing you or spending it with you most of the time.

Since the Saturday plan was an invite that happened long before, you both knew about it approaching. It's not really an issue unless you want it to be. If so rethink going over this weekend.

The question about being interested in the same trainer after his session seems like a kind gesture to me. I don't see what's the harm in that. He was thinking of you as well and whether you'd like to benefit from training the same weekend. It was only an offer, not meant to slight or hurt you. 

You don't work on Friday so him offering for you to go over on Friday instead of Saturday like you usually do is him trying to compromise with you because he knows Sunday morning is taken up. 

Both of you could have communicated over this over the phone on a call rather than texting too. Logistics and alternative plans, especially alternative plans, should always be done over a call. It's so much easier than texting back and forth and misinterpreting tone and intention.

 

Edited by glows
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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't hang around his place resenting it.

Um this ^^^^^^^^

If you spend the weekend resenting him, it will get you nowhere. If you think he's taking you for granted, or not making you a priority then you have to FIRST prioritize yourself. If you feel like sitting there Saturday afternoon and then the training appt on Sunday am is a diss to you, don't do it. Don't try to control him or get overly sensitive but make your own plans. If you have friends where he lives, go out with them. I think you should go to training with him bc that sounds fun to me and shows IMO that he isn't taking you for granted.  Be more flexible on what time you leave to go back to your place on Sunday afternoon. Or as the others have suggested, skip this weekend.

Right now you are taking a reactive stance and a proactive one will be better. Meaning don't let things happen TO you. Make things happen FOR you. Create your life rather than go with what is thrown your way. 

Of course you can talk to him but you need to figure out a way that speaks from what you are wanting in your life vs trying to change or contain him. (ugh I'm not explaining well). I kind of think if you are at the stage where you are negotiating about type of contact (text vs call) and at a distance maybe you each have different ideas about how serious or how to prioritize this relationship. I do think you are being overly sensitive in a way about the weekend. The text vs call thing caught my eye because I think it signals that perhaps he's much more casual about this or less invested than you are. And bumping up against this problem this weekend is actually just symbolic of the bigger picture. Good luck

Edited by Versacehottie
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6ix Established Member

6ix

Posted
  • Senior Moderators
Posted

Moderator note: two threads by the same person with different aliases have been merged. 

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

oh now that the two threads have been combined there's definitely more context. I don't think you feel trustful in this relationship, OP. Whether that's justified or unjustified is TBD but you won't get very far if you are trying to measure his loyalty toward you or affection toward you or where your relationship will end up by testing certain measures of his interest.  It just seems like you are more invested and are looking for security of some sort...in everything. His situation alone--that he is dating in close time proximity to his divorce---should have you proceeding with caution and to not overinvest yourself. Good luck

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I think the problem is you're just fed up with not being introduced to this guy's kids and the fact that he isn't making it crystal clear to his ex that you are his woman.  His family definitely comes first and I don't know where you and your daughter fall in his list of priorities.

  • 4 weeks later...
NotsureIknow New Member

NotsureIknow

Posted
Posted

I have been dating someone exclusively for over 5 months.  We get along but I am concerned whether I'm being "used"...let me explain.

Only a few months into the relationship, he mentioned living together and buying a place together.  I am well financially settled and he claims he is (he lives in an apartment but said he did so as a temporary measure after his divorce - he's been there over 3 years).  He is a professional like me and seems comfortable financially.  He said that between the 2 of us, we can afford to live nicely (I already am though).

I have rec'd 2 cards from him - one over Christmas and the other on Valentine's Day - both cards were "cute" but not romantic.  He did write in each card that he feels lucky to have found me and looks forward to building a long term relationship. He did sign each "Love".  

He wants us to start looking for places to move (in the City he lives near- I live about an hour away but would sell my home anyway since my kids are grown and out of the house).  I do like the City he lives close to but the prices are very high right now. 

In any event, he does show some affection to me and it's ok by me that he isn't "all over me".

However, the other night he said (while we were being intimate), "I love doing this with you.  I didn't know what I was missing all these years."  I thought he was going to say "I love you", but that wasn't what happened. I haven't said it yet either maybe b/c I'm old fashioned and expect the man to say it first or perhaps I'm concerned he doesn't feel that way.

We are senior citizens so time is short and I certainly don't think he would intentionally use me, but know I shouldn't be living with someone who doesn't really love me nor say it.

How do I find out how he really feels without it being a totally awkward moment or is that not possible?

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted

This man hasn't even told you he loves you and he wants you to buy a place with him?  You are right to be wary.  It is way too soon to be talking about moving in together, much less buying a place.  You need to shut this down as premature.    

You ask how to find out how he really feels, and one way is through his actions.  You mentioned he got you cards on Christmas/Valentine's Day.  Did he do anything else for you, like take you out to donner, buy you any gifts?  Does he take you out on dates?  Who pays when you go out?  Has he introduced you to his friends and family?  Have you travelled together?  Aside from buying a house together, is there other "future talk"?  Does he treat you considerately and with love?  Does he do things to help make your life easier -- e.g., shovel your snow, fix your car, fix things around your house, cook you dinner, etc.?      

NotsureIknow New Member

NotsureIknow

Posted
Posted

yes to all of the above. I have met his inner circle of most of his friends; I met his only sibling a few weeks and will be meeting his grown kids this weekend. we are planning a short trip in 2 months and he talks about planning a longer trip later this year/early next year. He usually pays when we go out with some limited exceptions. He did remove some snow when his brother was visiting and helps out a little.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
43 minutes ago, NotsureIknow said:

yes to all of the above. I have met his inner circle of most of his friends; I met his only sibling a few weeks and will be meeting his grown kids this weekend. we are planning a short trip in 2 months and he talks about planning a longer trip later this year/early next year. He usually pays when we go out with some limited exceptions. He did remove some snow when his brother was visiting and helps out a little.

^^From the limited amount of info you provided, he sounds nice! 

Not all men gush their feelings, and the cards were very sweet.  Perfect for only 5 months dating.

I'm not big on material gifts though, I find they can be contrived; a card with a thoughtful note would have been enough, but everyone's different, I understand that. 

I am curious why it is you feel he may be "using" you; for what, your money?

Have you had this happen with other men you've dated?

 

1 hour ago, NotsureIknow said:

Only a few months into the relationship, he mentioned living together and buying a place together. 

Did he mean now or sometime down the road? 

I've learned to take this type of talk so early in with a grain of salt.  It's early stages, he's infatuated (hopefully you are as well), this type of future talk is normal to me, not to be taken seriously.

A good response might have been "sure I'd be open to that eventually" or something like. 

Re not saying "I love you" yet, my sense is this is what's troubling you most.

An ex and even one of my brothers confirmed that just cause a man doesn't "say" it, that does not mean he isn't "feeling" it.

Observe his actions, and try to not allow hurt and fears from past relationships seep into this new one.

Lastly, your question, how do you know?  

Well, very simply by observing and assessing his actions and having faith and trust in your connection and trusting your own intuition and instincts. 

If something feels off, explore why you feel this way, by both looking within and assessing his actions. 

From everything you have posted, I'm not seeing any "red flags" but course I'm not there nor in the relationship, you're the only one who can determine what's happening. 

Staying positive also helps. 

Good luck to you both!  💛

Edited by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, NotsureIknow said:

Only a few months into the relationship, he mentioned living together and buying a place together.  I am well financially settled and he claims he is.  He said that between the 2 of us, we can afford to live nicely (I already am though).

Sorry this is happening. Do Not  Buy a house together. Huge red flag.

If he's looking for a mortgage company, rather than someone to get to know and love, you need to rethink all the red flags here.

Sounds like he's looking for a purse not a relationship.

He's bringing it up this early as a screening tool to see who is foolish/desperate enough to agree to this plan. 

Talk to your adult children about this and trusted friends and family.

Edited by Wiseman2
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, NotsureIknow said:

I thought he was going to say "I love you", but that wasn't what happened. I haven't said it yet either maybe b/c I'm old fashioned and expect the man to say it first or perhaps I'm concerned he doesn't feel that way.

Since you are older and don't want to waste your time it's best to have that awkward conversation.  Tell him how you feel and ask him about his feelings for you.  This should have been discussed before a conversation about buying a house together.  It's important.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, NotsureIknow said:

We get along but I am concerned whether I'm being "used"...

OP again just my take but IF he were using you, he would be telling you everything you want to hear, including I LOVE YOU in big bold letters. 

It would be a lie but he knows most women respond positively to that and other such 'sweet talk.'

It's a means to an end. Your money, assuming he were using you. 

The fact he has not said it after only 5 months and pays for most everything are indicators he's sincere, imo. 

It's a sort of reverse psychology in a way. 

And again, take the future talk with a grain of salt, in one ear, out the other. 

It's just talk, meaningless, harmless in the early stages (first few months)..  Can even be fun!  

Assess actions. Much more important imo.

Edited by poppyfields
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, NotsureIknow said:

I have been dating someone exclusively for over 5 months.  We get along but I am concerned whether I'm being "used"...let me explain.

Only a few months into the relationship, he mentioned living together and buying a place together.  I am well financially settled and he claims he is (he lives in an apartment but said he did so as a temporary measure after his divorce - he's been there over 3 years).  He is a professional like me and seems comfortable financially.  He said that between the 2 of us, we can afford to live nicely (I already am though).

I have rec'd 2 cards from him - one over Christmas and the other on Valentine's Day - both cards were "cute" but not romantic.  He did write in each card that he feels lucky to have found me and looks forward to building a long term relationship. He did sign each "Love".  

He wants us to start looking for places to move (in the City he lives near- I live about an hour away but would sell my home anyway since my kids are grown and out of the house).  I do like the City he lives close to but the prices are very high right now. 

In any event, he does show some affection to me and it's ok by me that he isn't "all over me".

However, the other night he said (while we were being intimate), "I love doing this with you.  I didn't know what I was missing all these years."  I thought he was going to say "I love you", but that wasn't what happened. I haven't said it yet either maybe b/c I'm old fashioned and expect the man to say it first or perhaps I'm concerned he doesn't feel that way.

We are senior citizens so time is short and I certainly don't think he would intentionally use me, but know I shouldn't be living with someone who doesn't really love me nor say it.

How do I find out how he really feels without it being a totally awkward moment or is that not possible?

It's only five months and you can't even vouch completely about the honesty of this man, OP. Don't buy a house together. Life is short but it doesn't mean live recklessly. Date awhile longer. He may also tell you one thing and change his mind just as quickly in another five months. 

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, NotsureIknow said:

We are senior citizens 

So you're a senior, you're not new to life. You've been there, done that before and got all the t-shirts.

What's the rush? 

Why would you risk entangling your finance with a man again? Any man, prince charming or not. 

I'm 56, l dated a man for 5 years and we both kept our homes. It was the best arrangement! We still spent lots if nights together per week, l don't think l'll ever purchase a property with a man again. We can buy a cottage together or something we will share but not a home.

Tell him it's too soon and to ask you again in 2 years....and watch him run away.

 

  • Like 2
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, NotsureIknow said:

I am well financially settled and he claims he is (he lives in an apartment but said he did so as a temporary measure after his divorce - he's been there over 3 years). 

Is this the same man?:

 

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)

Many men are not openly affectionate.  It doesn't mean that they don't feel it in their hearts but that's just not how they express their feelings.  This is *especially* the case of older men that were brought up on the idea that being openly vunerable is equal to weakness.

I jsut don't think you're going to turn this guy into someone that openly shares his feelings, says I love you, it doesn't sound like it's in this guy's DNA.  He is set in who he is, he likes who he is.  It doesn't sound to me as if he's using you but you have to determine what you can deal with and what's a deal-breaker for you.

You shouldn't buy a house with anyone if you have any reservations about them, which it sounds like you do.  Why not just continue to date as you have been doing?

Edited by dramafreezone
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

A conversation may be in order... tell him you enjoy his company but also like hearing him tell you that he loves you. Is it difficult for you to say this or be more direct? If he stumbles over this or seems perplexed about the concept, then you have your answer. He may also realize he's moving a little quickly or a bit disjointed with his thoughts or proposals to live together.

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

OP, just to know, I have had men discuss moving in together, even getting married believe or not, within the first few months.  I posted this before, but one man proposed marriage on the first date!  

As I said and just my experience but future talk in early stages such as moving in together, buying a home, traveling together (called future faking), is quite common.

If this were me, I would assess ALL his actions, many of which appear to be VERY positive, and not focus so much on the future faking.

If he pressures you about it, okay that's different, but just because you're older and have money, let's not jump to the conclusion he's using you or attempting to scam you, that is very negative thinking and serves no good purpose imho.

 

Edited by poppyfields
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Like my 80 something year old mother has always said...live separately and just have them as a gentleman friend. You do not need to commingle your finances, etc at your age. And at 5 months of dating, talk of this at any age would have alarm bells going off. And yes people will use people at any age any financial status etc. Like I always say...if it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. 

  • Like 2
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted

You never, ever buy a home with someone you've been dating a few months.  Being a senior citizen and "time being short" doesn't make this any less of a horrible idea.  Since you've lived a long time and have lots of life experience I would think you would know this better than most.  If the relationship is still going well a year from now, then it would make more sense to consider it.

vla1120 Established Member

vla1120

Posted
Posted

I'm 61 and when/if I ever do get into a more serious relationship with a man #1 - I won't purchase a house with him or even live with him. At my age, I want my own space and he probably does, as well. #2 - I definitely will never comingle my money with his. Heck no. I worked too hard for what I have (hopefully, he has too) and I have no intention of supporting someone else at my age. 

Has he met your kids? If your kids are protective (like mine), you can bet they'll clue you in on any red flags they see. You can still sell your house and purchase something smaller for yourself - in your name only, just don't rush into anything. This should be a time for relaxation and enjoying what you've worked so hard to gather for yourself over the years. Ideally, his presence will add to your enjoyment and not take away from it. 

Also, don't be afraid to speak up and ask him questions and tell him exactly what you are thinking. You're right, time is too short to play guessing games and wonder!

  • Like 2
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Also, don't be afraid to speak up and ask him questions and tell him exactly what you are thinking. You're right, time is too short to play guessing games and wonder!

OP, this^ may be the best advice you could ever get.

Also, I wonder, IF you were not a senior citizen or had money, and he discussed with you moving in together, would you be this concerned?

As I said, I have had men discuss moving in and even marriage within the first few months.

I don't suspect anything untoward like they're using me, I politely shut the conversation down, it's too soon to discuss such things and that's that.

If they suspected I had money, and they were wanting to get their hands on it, I would imagine they wouldn't be sticking around very long after I shut the convo down.

So yes, DO speak up.  If you're confused about something or feeling unsettled, ask questions, communicate.

Communication builds intimacy as well.

Again, if he pressures you or gets defensive when you ask questions, then reconsider the relationship at that time.

But try to focus on the positive, of which there is much from what I read.  And continue observing actions.

EDIT:  Many "older" people have found love.  Beautiful, long lasting, real love.   It can and does happen, for all the right reasons.  💛

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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