How do I know how my boyfriend feels about me?

[Lookingfortruth]

While I have dated divorced men in the last several years, I have never had the issues I'm having with my current partner. We've been seeing each other for about 4 months and while he seems very interested in me and makes efforts to see me regularly, I feel like he has one foot in his prior marriage. He has been divorced for 3 years after a 34 year marriage and has told me his ex asked him for the divorce. Here are my observations:

He only refers to his ex by her name (which is not a problem for me but with the other indicators below makes me think he still is "married" to her in his head).

He says things like "[Her name] and me went here or there"...or "we" referring to him and her, not us!

He spent a recent holiday with her and their adult kids - in it he is standing right behind his ex.

He told me he told his ex about me but I don't believe he has told his kids even though I've told him I don't like being a secret and want to meet them (he just met my kids).

I met a few of his friends but they are the same friends him and his ex had for over 30 years so the wives seem nice to me but I know what they are thinking. Him and his ex are the only divorced couple in the a large group of friends. HIs ex is still friendly with all of them.

He is invited with his ex and their kids to a wedding out of town of an old friend  of their family and I'm not invited. He says he doesn't want to go but yet he is....with his ex and not me.

He has a picture of himself, his ex and the kids (together) on Facebook and a few in his apartment. He also has a "married" note on Facebook from 15 years ago - never deleted it.

I don't want to waste time. I'm almost 65 and a widow and want to build a relationship but not with anyone who only has one foot available to give.

He told me he has had one relationship last year that lasted 6 months but they weren't compatible and it wasn't "serious".

He knows I'm financially settled and he claims he is so he's mentioned us living together at some point since we both of a fair amount of assets so "we" can live "nicely".

Is he unintentionally using me (I really don't think he has any bad intent) to either "get over" his divorce and/or for my financial resources?  I have not yet been able to see if he is really financially settled or not after the divorce - he lives in an average apartment - nothing special.
 

[JRabbit]

34 minutes ago, Lookingfortruth said:

He says things like "[Her name] and me went here or there"...or "we" referring to him and her, not us!

He spent a recent holiday with her and their adult kids - in it he is standing right behind his ex.

First line, I give a pass. When you are married that long, saying "we" is a habit of the tongue thats hard to get over.

What do you mean in the second line, in it he standing right behind his ex? In what? The holiday?

[FMW]

Unfortunately, only time will give you a good picture.  Four months isn't long enough.  

I don't think any of the things you mentioned are clear signs he's still attached to his ex-wife. 

She will always be a part of his life because she's the mother of his children and if not already, will probably someday share grandchildren.  Enjoying family trips together doesn't mean he still has romantic feelings for her, just that he enjoys still being family with their children.  Because she is still a part of his life, it's normal that he would refer to her by name and not in a more dismissive term such as "my ex".  As far as standing right behind her in the family photo, everyone might have lined up first and that's just where he fit himself in, whether by height or some other criteria.  Being comfortable standing close to her does not indicate he still has romantic feelings for her either.  

Because they were married a very long time, most of his adult experiences probably included her.  It's difficult to talk about past experiences without referencing people you shared them with.  I was married 23 years before divorcing and I know when I talk about things like travel it's automatic for me to at least start to say "we".  It most certainly doesn't mean I am attached to my ex-husband, it's just difficult to constantly censor or edit my speech. 

I don't think it's unusual to not have met his children at 4 months dating.  His being careful about how his children might feel about it is no reflection on anything other than his consideration for them.  

Meeting and socializing with the same friends, especially couples, that he had when he was married can be awkward, there's just no way around that.  I've been involved with a widower for a few years, believe me I know what it's like.  Just keep in mind that it's likely you do NOT know what the wives are thinking, especially if it was his ex-wife that chose to end the marriage.  Give them a chance to get to know you and get comfortable with you as a couple.  

As to the Facebook "married" notation, is he very active on Facebook?  If he only reads or posts things occasionally he might not have even thought about it.  

I would give it a little more time and see how things go over the next few months, see if things progress.  It should become clear whether or not he's just looking for someone to partner with simply for companionship and financial security, or if you have a real connection.  Give it a little more time to see if your doubts are eased.  

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lookingfortruth said:

met a few of his friends but they are the same friends him and his ex had for over 30 years so the wives seem nice to me but I know what they are thinking. Him and his ex are the only divorced couple in the a large group of friends. HIs ex is still friendly with all of them.

He is invited with his ex and their kids to a wedding out of town of an old friend  of their family and I'm not invited. He says he doesn't want to go but yet he is....with his ex and not me.

Well you can expect all of his friends to know his ex because of how long they were married.  I imagine the same thing will happen to him with your friends as they must know and be friends with your ex husband too.

I do not know anyone who is so rude that they would tell a divorced man he can only attend their wedding with the wife he divorced and their adult kids.  Ummm, that sounds odd.  I would either invite one of them or the other or send separate invitations and allow each of them to bring a guest.

[Ami1uwant]

You are way off here.

 

he’s been with her 30+ years snd have kids and they share friends. You can’t avoid her coming up in any conversation because things he did and places he went to were with his ex and their kids.

 

he’s not ready for you to be introduced to his kids.  He might nit look at them as adults in his mind yet. There are written rules on when to introduce new relationship to your kids. He doesn’t feel it’s time.

He’s also nit ready yet for you to meet friends.  These are personal. Some  might introduce close friends to a new person because they want feedback on their choices. But casual friends or extended family they don’t regularly see they might not want to bring a SO to unless they are engaged. They do t want to deal with what happened to XXX.

 

[Gaeta]

You have to decide if it's your cup of tea or not.

They were together 34 years so I imagine their children are all late 20s even early 30s, maybe married themselves. There is no reasons for travelling together as a family anymore.

It doesn't mean he still has a thing or hope for his ex, but I would see him as not being able of letting go of the <family image> 

I don't think I'd date him. Too many blurred lines.

Edited January 4, 2022 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

TBH OP the more I think about it; I think he's just waiting for his ex to take him back or hoping she will.  That is probably why he hasn't put much thought into his apartment, why he went over there for Thanksgiving without you,  took pictures standing behind his wife,  still taking family photos with his wife and kids, won't introduce you to his kids and is now going on a family trip to a wedding as one big happy family.   I don't think I'd hang around if I were you because if his wife tells him to come home, he'll go.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you posted this before, OP? This story is very familiar, I am sure I have read it before. 

In any case, assuming his kids are likely adults now and understand what divorce means, he seems too attached to his ex. He doesn't seem ready to really let go of her or the marriage they once had. 

I'm sorry. 

[smackie9]

I would bail.

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you posted this before, OP? This story is very familiar, I am sure I have read it before. 

So have I, it was posted around Thanks Giving, concerning him spending it with his ex and children. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So have I, it was posted around Thanks Giving, concerning him spending it with his ex and children. 

Yep, I remember the story as well.

[curlygirl40]

I think there's a big difference between him dating you and hoping that his ex marriage is salvageable and him dating you while having loose boundaries.   Unfortunately it may take longer than 4 months for you to figure out which it is.   

I would give a pass on him saying things like 'we' concerning his ex.    I was married 18 years, divorced now for 12 and sometimes when I am talking about my past life I still say 'we' as in 'when we bought that house....'  'when we built the new deck...' when I'm telling stories to my boyfriend or friends or whatever.  It's a hard habit to break.

IMO, she is his past and if he considers you his future, he would have more clear boundaries.  Such as inviting you to attend a wedding with him, etc.     To me, out of your original post, that is the biggest red flag.    They are divorced.  If people know he is dating he should be allowed that 'plus one' to bring someone to the wedding if he chooses.  

Give it more time to meet the kids.   You might be o.k with him meeting yours but he might need more time.   

Question regarding social media, since you mentioned the pic still on FB.  Does he post pictures of the two of you on FB?   

[ShyViolet]

I don't think there's any reason to assume he's "using" you.  He is simply attached to his ex in many ways, and he will probably never completely detach.  He shares kids with her, he spent the last 34 years with her.  They have an amicable divorce and are still very much in each other's lives, and that will probably never change.  You have only one decision to make and that's whether you are comfortable with this, with hearing about him talk about his ex wife all the time.  If not, then face reality and walk away.  You can't change this.

[kendahke]

He's not over his wife--he's still mired in the past, holding out hope.  He's had enough time to consider you as a permanent fixture in his life... it's not like he's 23.

He's not the one for you.

Do you have time to squander behind this? It's time for you to move on.

Edited January 5, 2022 by kendahke

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you posted this before, OP? This story is very familiar, I am sure I have read it before. 

In any case, assuming his kids are likely adults now and understand what divorce means, he seems too attached to his ex. He doesn't seem ready to really let go of her or the marriage they once had. 

I'm sorry. 

Yeah according to her last thread his children are in their 30s.

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your adult children and your attorney. 

You seem suspicious of his motives from still being a family with his ex-wife to mentioning pooling money for a better lifestyle.

The sooner you cut your losses the sooner you can find a man you can trust.

[BaileyB]

They were married for 34 years and they have children together - they will likely soon have grandchildren. She will be a part of his life for the rest of his life. Move forward with that understanding…

[AngryGromit]

I've had some issues with the "Ex's" as well.  The fiancée's Ex, the father of her two kids visited our house from Texas last Christmas and was there for a week to spent time with his Daughter who was visiting us from Alaska.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but really don't want him around, if he wants to see him kids, he should be spending his own $ to go see them in Alaska. He practically invited himself to our wedding next month, I told the fiancée I don't want him there. When she sent out the wedding invitations, I made sure he wasn't on the invite list. She's been also texting her Ex boyfriend on almost every day, for the last few months. (That I'm aware of, possibly longer) I seen the texts, nothing sexual in nature, but still don't like it. On the bright side, he hasn't texted for over a week, his Unvaccinated butt got Covid, I'm certainly not allowing her to go to his funeral. 

Edited January 5, 2022 by AngryGromit

[glows]

On 1/4/2022 at 7:31 AM, Lookingfortruth said:

want to build a relationship but not with anyone who only has one foot available to give.

This all may have less to do with his ex and previous marriage and more to do with him as a person. He may not be able to let go as easily or perhaps he's just very different in the way he operates or lives his life. 

When in doubt I look at the entirety of the person and whether that person is present fully. The reasons don't matter so much as whether the answer is Yes or No to a level that I'd need that person to be. That's all there is to it. 

That you're also suspecting him of possibly using you financially speaks volumes. I don't think you're comfortable with him as a man and are possibly very aware about lack of judgment on his part. It may be indirect in comments or offhand things he's said in the past or the way he hasn't fully closed chapters of his life or in the way he speaks to/of others. We sometimes can't quite pinpoint distrust or unease when around certain people but it reveals itself later. Do you really want to stick around to find out why you feel so uneasy around him?

[jdesey]

You better be ready for a very long road in front of you. This guy is not even remotely over his divorce. Either you put in the work and put up with this crap or move on

[Cali Lisa]

It's too soon to tell whether he loves you or not. I think if you two stay together and become serious, he will do the right thing and with time reduce the presence of the wife to the healthy and necessary minimum. And if he doesn't, you sound like the woman who would not put up with BS, so I would give it a few more months and observe the situation. It's all about the time: 4 months versus 34 years. Four months is just too soon for you to be putting your foot down since he has adult children and has spent 34 years with the mother of his children. I know you are worried that he still loves her, but ask in a year, is he acting like he is into you or into her - or worse, both?

Edited January 6, 2022 by Cali Lisa

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 1/4/2022 at 9:31 AM, Lookingfortruth said:

He is invited with his ex and their kids to a wedding out of town of an old friend  of their family and I'm not invited. He says he doesn't want to go but yet he is....with his ex and not me.

This would be a deal breaker for me, because it basically means he is not emotionally connected to you. He may like your company, he may feel you make his life easier, but he is not emotionally available. 

Attending a wedding is optional. If you as his partner are not invited, then he shouldn't be going.

[AMiinorout]

I really don't know the right thing to do.  

My boyfriend seems to really enjoy spending weekends with me and we  have done so for several months.  

I mentioned to him last weekend that I would enjoy a call instead of test every now and then.  He eventually did give me a call and said we can to this every now and then.  OK?

But this is what has me upset....

It's my turn to see him this weekend at his place...we live about an hour apart.  But he is going to a party w/o me in the afternoon on Saturday (I was not invited since I didn't know the ppl and they sent out invites when we were only dating  2 months or so and his adult kids will be there and I haven't met them yet).  That is bad enough. 

BUT then he texts me today to tell me the next day I'm there (Sunday) he made arrangements for himself at 10 am to get his personal trainer for an hour.  As an afterthought, he texted and asked if I was interested in having a session with the same trainer after him.

EXCUSE ME but...I'll be sitting around for him a few hours Saturday afternoon while he goes to the party and then he wants me to either leave (I assume) or wait on him another hour the next morning.  We usually leave late morning from either other's home on Sunday. When he visits, it's usually on late Friday night and when I'm going to him I usually come on Saturday but he said I was welcome to come on Friday (I don't work Friday's but he does from his home).

Am I misinterpreting this but it sure seems like he is treating me quite casually and as an "option"?

 

[smackie9]

Well if he was busy this weekend then you don't go and find something else to do. The party is not something he had control over, and possibly the only time he could get to see his trainer was that day. Not everyone can clear their calendar every single weekend. Instead of stewing over it, just explain to him if he has all this going on on the weekend, maybe the better option was for you to reschedule your visit. Just say it's not your thing to sit around and wait for him when your purpose there was to spend quality time together.

You know guys (not all) but from time to time they are just thick headed and don't see past their nose. He thought you would be perfectly fine with it/understanding. Just let him know you were not too keen on what happened. Nicely tho, no need to make it into an argument. Work through a compromise, and see where it takes you. 

[basil67]

I'm going to kindly suggest you're being a bit too sensitive.  Our weekends are when we get stuff done, so it's reasonable that he'd fit in a P/T session and it's also reasonable that he could go to an event on his own if it's not the right time to meet the kids yet.  (And given that you're doubting the relationship over this, it's definitely not time to meet the kids yet)

However, I agree that waiting around for him at his place is not the answer.   You could go to him on Friday evening and leave Saturday evening before the event.  That leaves you Saturday night and Sunday morning to be in your own place, not waiting around for him