Author jgolffan96 Posted February 25, 2022 Author Posted February 25, 2022 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: "I'm not that available" is a preemptive strike. That's why it's a red flag . @dramafreezone @glows @poppyfields So I wanted to clarify something here. The bar we went to was quite noisy, and it was hard to hear her a good portion of the time, so I might not have heard her right when she was talking about availability or being "super available". I think it is totally possible that she could have said that she is not super available because she is so busy. I also want to say that my gut tells me that she is an incredible woman, I know I am new to dating relatively, but the way she talks and conducts herself, I can just tell. With that in mind, I did end up asking very nicely why. She ended up saying the following "I really enjoyed meeting you too! I think you’re a solid guy. It is going to sound cliche of “it’s not you, it’s me.” For me it was more I didn’t really feel a kind of connection I guess? I know it’s hard on the first date but just kind of a gut feeling on my end" Given what she has said, I would like to stick it out here and fight because I really think she is incredible, and I'm not sure I would meet someone like her again. On top of that, I do think it was just a first date, and from what I have been reading and given that it wasn't the best environment (the date location also changed because the bar we were originally supposed to go to ended up closing and I found a different place on the spot), it is possible that we could go on another date and things could change. Although I know people on here would not recommend it, what would be the best way to phrase a text to convince her to go on a second date? I think something involving the fact that first dates suck and I was a little anxious too and I think it's worth another try, no? And if you really feel then like it's not a connection we go our separate ways.
dramafreezone Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 (edited) 35 minutes ago, justasht said: @dramafreezone @glows @poppyfields So I wanted to clarify something here. The bar we went to was quite noisy, and it was hard to hear her a good portion of the time, so I might not have heard her right when she was talking about availability or being "super available". I think it is totally possible that she could have said that she is not super available because she is so busy. I also want to say that my gut tells me that she is an incredible woman, I know I am new to dating relatively, but the way she talks and conducts herself, I can just tell. With that in mind, I did end up asking very nicely why. She ended up saying the following "I really enjoyed meeting you too! I think you’re a solid guy. It is going to sound cliche of “it’s not you, it’s me.” For me it was more I didn’t really feel a kind of connection I guess? I know it’s hard on the first date but just kind of a gut feeling on my end" Given what she has said, I would like to stick it out here and fight because I really think she is incredible, and I'm not sure I would meet someone like her again. On top of that, I do think it was just a first date, and from what I have been reading and given that it wasn't the best environment (the date location also changed because the bar we were originally supposed to go to ended up closing and I found a different place on the spot), it is possible that we could go on another date and things could change. Although I know people on here would not recommend it, what would be the best way to phrase a text to convince her to go on a second date? I think something involving the fact that first dates suck and I was a little anxious too and I think it's worth another try, no? And if you really feel then like it's not a connection we go our separate ways. Dude, she essentially said what I just told you, she does not have a high enough attraction to you. "Connection, gut feeling," that is what attraction is. It wasn't the venue, she is simply not feeling the attraction. Also, "busy" means you're not important enough for her to make time in her schedule. And you're trying to do what is a classic mistake with us guys, you're trying to analyze and fix it. You're applying logic to what's an emotional feel for her. It is a very flawed thought process and one that will not work in your favor. Don't ignore reality. She's made her decision, and no amount of you thinking she's amazing or being attracted to her will change her attraction for you. If she does not want to move forward then this is done. There is no chance of you convincing her to go on a second date, in fact there's a higher chance that she will file a restraining order if you continue to pursue when she's not interested. Take her texts as a gift, because she is at least telling you the truth. What you're doing, trying to pursue more after she's told you she's not interested, is the precise reason why a lot of women ghost guys, because they want to avoid this uncomfortable situation of having to explain themselves, and the guy not taking no for an answer. Best thing you can do is move on and concentrate on your golf and find someone that wants to spend time with you and get to know you better. I know you think that this woman is one of a kind (believe me I've been in your shoes) but there are literally more amazing women out there that are willing to date you than you can possibly ever date. You just have to put yourself in position to meet them. The more time you spend on one that's not interested, the less chances you have of meeting one that thinks you're amazing and you feel the same way about her. A good saying is "you don't want someone that's on the fence about you, you want someone that wants to jump fences to be with you." Edited February 25, 2022 by dramafreezone 4
Wiseman2 Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, justasht said: With that in mind, I did end up asking very nicely why. She ended up saying the following "I really enjoyed meeting you too! I think you’re a solid guy. It is going to sound cliche of “it’s not you, it’s me.” For me it was more I didn’t really feel a kind of connection I guess? I know it’s hard on the first date but just kind of a gut feeling on my end" You could keep texting her and begging, but not only does that come off as desperate it's entering the creepy stalker zone. "No" means "No". Whether it's a date or anything else. She has your contact info, if she changes her mind she knows where to reach you. Don't obsess over any one woman in particular. You have plenty to offer a wide variety of women who'll be attracted to you and you'll have better luck with. Edited February 25, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
poppyfields Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 1 hour ago, justasht said: Given what she has said, I would like to stick it out here and fight because I really think she is incredible, and I'm not sure I would meet someone like her again. @justashtas I woman I can confirm that this is likely to work against you than for you. PLEASE do not do this, as others have said, in her eyes you are entering creepy stalkerish territory and precisely why many women including myself will block a man after politely turning him down. No means no in this regard, she's just wasn't feeling the connection. There is no rhyme or reason why, and trying to understand this basic law of nature and attraction will drive you bonkers! Let it go, and trust me, there WILL be other women you will find equally amazing, perhaps even more so, who will feel the same about you. 3
glows Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 Please don't be desperate. Your enthusiasm is admirable but it won't be appreciated if you're not taking no for an answer. Be gracious about this and thank her for her honesty. Now you know women like her exist (she's so incredible), keep your eyes peeled for similar. 1
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 25, 2022 Author Posted February 25, 2022 @glows @poppyfields @Wiseman2 okay I get it. How is this for a response? That stinks to hear, but I understand and I appreciate the honesty. Well, if you ever change your mind or need a golf instructor lol, let me know. I wish you the best.
poppyfields Posted February 25, 2022 Posted February 25, 2022 14 minutes ago, justasht said: @glows @poppyfields @Wiseman2 okay I get it. How is this for a response? That stinks to hear, but I understand and I appreciate the honesty. Well, if you ever change your mind or need a golf instructor lol, let me know. I wish you the best. Bolded, please please please leave that out. The rest is fine. I think it's important to keep things in perspective. It was one date. I am curious how you allowed yourself to get THIS attached to a woman after one date, did you fall in love with her? I understand the disappointment, but again it was one date. At 30 years of age, you have your entire life ahead of you, there will be many MANY other women, the world is your oyster man, go out and grab it! 2
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 26, 2022 Author Posted February 26, 2022 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: Bolded, please please please leave that out. The rest is fine. I think it's important to keep things in perspective. It was one date. I am curious how you allowed yourself to get THIS attached to a woman after one date, did you fall in love with her? I understand the disappointment, but again it was one date. At 30 years of age, you have your entire life ahead of you, there will be many MANY other women, the world is your oyster man, go out and grab it! I left it out. Yes, I think I fell in love with her. I am 25 years old, but the problem is, how long will it take to meet another person like her? It could take 30+ years!
Wiseman2 Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 10 hours ago, justasht said: @glows @poppyfields @Wiseman2 okay I get it. How is this for a response? That stinks to hear, but I understand and I appreciate the honesty. Well, if you ever change your mind or need a golf instructor lol, let me know. I wish you the best. Don't send it. It's unattractive to be desperate or stalk. Leave her alone. After one date it's lust, not love. She doesn't need a text begging yet again. It seems like you want her to block you or file a restraining order.
glows Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, justasht said: @glows @poppyfields @Wiseman2 okay I get it. How is this for a response? That stinks to hear, but I understand and I appreciate the honesty. Well, if you ever change your mind or need a golf instructor lol, let me know. I wish you the best. Leave the first part out. It’s crude responses like this or added questions that cause many people to ghost in the first place. Be gracious and polite. Just thank her for her honesty. She was not obligated to answer you at all. Leave out the golf instructor offer also. It’s not the only thing going for you and why should you offer your professional services to a woman from a dating website. This is also common discourse as you meet and greet people while dating. Try being more familiar with this. It’s like a dance or salsa. Step forward, step back, stay a little longer or move on, find another partner. Keep dancing. Tell yourself that it’s ok that someone doesn’t feel the same way. They’re completely entitled not to! The more you go into this believing someone should like you the harder it is accepting a different outcome. This may be disappointing and I’m sorry that she wasn’t feeling the same way. Get back into your groove and enjoy meeting others again. Edited February 26, 2022 by glows
Beachead Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 (edited) @justasht OP, I know what you're feeling and what's motivating your thought process, because I was there at one point in my life. Let me start with this. Your confidence in yourself, is low. 21 hours ago, justasht said: "I really enjoyed meeting you too! I think you’re a solid guy. It is going to sound cliche of “it’s not you, it’s me.” For me it was more I didn’t really feel a kind of connection I guess? I know it’s hard on the first date but just kind of a gut feeling on my end" Quote Given what she has said, I would like to stick it out here and fight because I really think she is incredible, and I'm not sure I would meet someone like her again. She's telling you she's uninterested. You're not hearing her. You're assuming she doesn't know what she wants, well enough, to stand by it with confidence, and in that process, you are disrespecting her intelligence. She's a grown girl. She knows what she wants. You're also scared that you won't find someone else. That fear is so powerful it makes you ignore what she wants in favor of what you want because what you want is more important. This is actually quite selfish and self-centered albeit in your defense, it is rooted in fear. So all in all, although your post might be about a girl, what this really is about, is an issue about a lack of confidence within you about yourself. You want to be with someone so badly that you will willingly micromanage your responses and actions to be with someone. If you end up in a relationship with that person, can you keep that up forever? At some point, you'll get tired and you will start to show her who you are, and she's going to see it. There's no way around that. So as cliche and as basic as it sounds, you must learn to become comfortable being yourself, with all your glory and all your embarrassing lows. An interested person will stick around and give it a go with you no matter how much of a dork you might be. You don't need to coerce your way into a relationship with some half-committed, uninterested girl just to have what will likely be, a one-sided relationship. You deserve to be with someone who wants you back that builds into love and where that love is mutual. This is about you building confidence in yourself such that you know you're going to be okay, even if someone turns you down because you have surrounded yourself with a loving support structure of family and friends who care about you and you have built a life for yourself, full of things that you love doing. If you pursue a path that's right for you, you're going to be content and self-secure emotionally which is first and foremost. But also, you will meet people who will be more in line with you. The kind of people who are right for you..and who knows, one of those people, might just be someone special. This is how you counter your fear. Quote I am 25 years old, but the problem is, how long will it take to meet another person like her? It could take 30+ years! Don't chase - Beach Edited February 26, 2022 by Beachead 1
dramafreezone Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, justasht said: I left it out. Yes, I think I fell in love with her. I am 25 years old, but the problem is, how long will it take to meet another person like her? It could take 30+ years! You'll find someone better, because that one will actually have the same interest that you do. And you didn't fall in love, you had a crush. At your age if you get out there it won't take very long IMO to find someone. But you want to look for mutual interest. Once you meet someone that returns that high level of attraction to you, you'll never forget that feeling and you won't want to settle for a one-sided pursuit. Edited February 26, 2022 by dramafreezone
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