Agentra Posted February 23, 2022 Posted February 23, 2022 *Includes talk about domestic violence* Hi all, hope you're doing well! I'm just venting. I dated somebody for 2 years. I'd had nothing but toxic relationships in my life, be it romantic, platonic, or familial relationships. All full of lies, manipulation, all that good stuff. So of course this ended up being no different. After 1 year I found out he had been cheating on me. The entire time. He had been sexting girls on social media, exchanging nudes, tried to meet up with his ex. While I was working hard, full time, doing shows and gigs (I'm a drummer) to earn money for us so we could travel, buy nice things, and enjoy life. What followed were 8 months of pure hell. I hate trying to put it into words, because it is impossible to explain, but I think many of you on this forum can relate. The heart palpitations, can't eat, can't sleep, nausea, paralyzed, the trickle-truthing that makes you go insane, the lies, embarrassment. The pain and trauma of it all. Everything hurt. There was a time when we were on the phone, he was lying and lying, manipulating me, I couldn't make him stop and I couldn't hang up the phone either. He would cut me off just to lie more, he called ME a wh*re, told me how those girls were better. I was sitting on the floor and yelling from the top of my lungs for him to stop, I was yelling so hard I lost my voice and my throat bled. 2 months after I found out he started to physically abuse me. He threw me around, hit me, kicked me, smashed my head, bruised me. I went to my little sisters' birthday party with a black eye. My mother knew what happened, and my ex was so detached from reality he spent the night trying to suck up to my mother. Making conversation about sesame seeds. A mother whose daughter he was abusing. My mother told me to leave, but she didn't know how to help me, and I don't blame her. I was so brainwashed and abused, I just gave up on myself. I was a mess. And I wouldn't leave. The last 4 months, the hate in me, the sadness, bitterness, it just started to die out. I was exhausted. I stopped caring. I don't remember much of that time, I was just traumatised. Then one day I asked him to leave. I moved to my parents' place for a couple days while he gathered his things and left. I came home to a disgusting mess, it was a chaos, clothes everywhere, old presents thrown on the floor, he'd made food and the kitchen was repulsing. He cleaned none of it up. He'd left me a note on the counter, saying goodbye and asking if I could help him pay off his debt. So I cleaned everything, threw away his trash (with the note), and my gosh I was so relieved. The next year I spent recovering. I went to therapy, all the bad feelings I put into my music and let it out. I'd blocked him everywhere, tossed everything that reminded me of him, and I was just moving on. I got to know myself better, why I choose people like this, and I began fixing it. I'm in a very good place today. Nobody will do this to me ever again. Today I found out what's happened to him through a mutual friend. He went back to his home country, was kicked out by his parents whom he'd lived with, he was couch-surfing for a while, ended up in even more debt, dropped out of university, most of his friends left him after it apparently came out what he did to me (his friends really liked me). He is now facing jail as he was discovered to be using and distributing drugs. I'm not happy, not angry, I don't really care. But there is a part of me that goes "Suck it, loser". He's not a good person and, sorry for being crude, but is also too far up his own arse to see how he's screwed himself over. Everything was somebody else's fault. Him cheating on me was my fault, to him it was "self-love" (seriously, what?), him almost not passing in school was the teachers' fault, he was the victim. Always. He would talk so damn much and do nothing. When he was living with me, I was working full-time for us, while he was sitting on the couch, exchanging nudes with random girls. Somebody on this forum said it well - I don't have to understand "why" people do what they do. I don't need to understand "how" somebody could be this dumb, honestly I think my sandwich has a higher IQ than this guy, but it is what it is. I went through it, I gave up at one point, I let him do this to me, never again will I drop that low. This experience was horrific but it changed me so much, for the better, I think. I'm in a good place now. I'm content. I have people in my life whom I hold dear, I love my music, simple things bring me joy. I'm very grateful. I wish the best for him but, knowing him, I do not think he's capable of changing much. Have a good day!
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2022 Posted February 23, 2022 25 minutes ago, Agentra said: I wish the best for him but... You don't have to do that. All you have to do is heal and work on whatever vulnerability you had. As well as looking forward to a better future, rather than looking backwards about whatever he's up to.
stillafool Posted February 23, 2022 Posted February 23, 2022 I'm glad you're okay and made it to the other side. The most important thing you learned is to take responsibility for your own self worth and never to let anyone treat you that way again. You can't control what others do only your reaction to them. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
glows Posted February 23, 2022 Posted February 23, 2022 He was on his way down. Unfortunately you crossed paths and were caught in the crosshairs. Down he goes. Good for you for ending it and gaining the help and support you need. I think that takes great courage and honesty. You're miles from where you first were. Keep it up.
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