Love is weird

[running4life]

Currently single. I've dated and had sex with different guys  who were not a fit. There is one who captivated me. He friend zoned me almost 10 years ago.As of now, we remain friends and hang out. I Only kissed him on the cheek . Never had sex together.

We both have similar interests and enjoy spending time together. 

I believe  he's single which is a surprise considering how successful and handsome he is.

His mom knows I like him and advised I should be patient. She explained that he's probably considerate of dating due to having to grow up fast as a child. His father was incarcerated for a while and he helped raise his siblings. Also, he dated and loved a girl throughout high school who he intended to marry. The girl left him for his friend.

It's difficult since i get along well and spend time with him and his family. Sometimes, hiking and skiing together. 

This guy, he deserves to be loved and with someone that cares about him. 

If we are not ment to be together as a couple, how do you overcome this ? I try and spend time with other people and do fun things, but, he still comes to mind. Certain Music we'd listen to , dancing, fun events we've gone to together.

 

I enjoy spending time laughing and talking with him. He's a pleasure. He has many faults, as does everyone. However, he's a phenomenal guy. 

I enjoy the friendship, but, are there any other pieces of advice? Be patient, continuing to see other people, keep being busy?

Thank you for the feedback.

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, running4life said:

he dated and loved a girl throughout high school who he intended to marry

Unfortunately he sees you as  a friend. 

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman.  He's had 10 years to make a move.  You've been available, around him and his family but he hasn't even asked you out for a date.  Men don't wait this long to make their interest known to a woman they are interested in romantically.  I hope you aren't wasting your time waiting for him.

[smackie9]

Ask him out on a date.

[Maldives]

10 yrs Is pretty clear it's just a friendship in his eyes he doesn't have the feelings you do regardless his fears. I've had that exact same thing happen to me re a friend cheating with my partner its not that bad that he will never date someone again. He doesn't see you in that way and the quicker you realise the better 

[Ami1uwant]

The thing to ask him…don’t have this about yourself but to dig into what dies he want for a relationship. Not just generic stuff bit dig into details.

 

maybe from this you might realize why he has friendzoned you.

[running4life]

Many great responses. I appreciate the help. I am looking towards other guys. The issue is how do I get over memories? We've danced Salsa together, he taught me how to ski and listened to different music together. Sometimes when the songs come on or doing Salsa dancing he comes to mind.

Any ways of blocking that out?

[running4life]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

The thing to ask him…don’t have this about yourself but to dig into what dies he want for a relationship. Not just generic stuff bit dig into details.

 

maybe from this you might realize why he has friendzoned you.

I appreciate that alot. Didnt think of that as obvious as that sounds. Thank you

[running4life]

3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

10 yrs Is pretty clear it's just a friendship in his eyes he doesn't have the feelings you do regardless his fears. I've had that exact same thing happen to me re a friend cheating with my partner its not that bad that he will never date someone again. He doesn't see you in that way and the quicker you realise the better 

Thank you for responding to the question. I am looking at other guys, but he comes to mind. We danced and did sports together. Some songs and activies remind me of him.

 

How do I move past that and enjoy the activities without thinking of him?

[running4life]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ask him out on a date.

As in spending time together such as hiking, drinking or dancing? We've accomplished that.

[running4life]

3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

10 yrs Is pretty clear it's just a friendship in his eyes he doesn't have the feelings you do regardless his fears. I've had that exact same thing happen to me re a friend cheating with my partner its not that bad that he will never date someone again. He doesn't see you in that way and the quicker you realise the better 

THank you for the help. Whats a bummer is I am looking at other guys and since we spent time together like dancing I think of him during dance class. 

 

How do I enjoy the actives we did together without thinking of him?

[running4life]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he sees you as  a friend. 

Thank you for the help. 

How do I not think of him while doing things we did together like dancing or skiing?

I'd like to do thouse without thinking of him.

[Maldives]

19 minutes ago, running4life said:

THank you for the help. Whats a bummer is I am looking at other guys and since we spent time together like dancing I think of him during dance class. 

 

How do I enjoy the actives we did together without thinking of him?

Unfortunately no easy answer the passage of time most likely. U need to stop all contact wth him so u can detach from him. Being his friend seeing him will just keep u in that same Head space 

Edited February 21, 2022 by Goodguy05

[ExpatInItaly]

Being patient is futile here, OP. 

You've already been friends for 10 years. If he saw you as something more, he would have made a move by now. Unfortunately, he doesn't have those feelings for you. I also suspect you're not as close as you would like to think, given the fact that you don't appear to know for sure if he's single. Good friends would know that about each other. 

You can keep your fond memories, but I would strongly suggest you put some space between you and him. Stop hanging out with him. Stop talking to his mom about him. You will never be able to move past this otherwise. 

[glows]

Instead of spending as much time with him, choose to spend your time with other friends, new or old. If you ski with him and his family, decline the next invitation and go skiing with other friends.

Dating this instant, this moment, is not a good idea. You’re just using new potential dates to get over someone else. You’re not in the right headspace to date right now because you’re consumed with someone else. Not only is that unfair to the people you’re seeing, you’re not being kind to yourself. Start developing parts of your life without this friend and make new friends. 

[ShyViolet]

The first step is to accept once and for all that he is not interested in you romantically.  He's had 10 years to express feelings for you if he had any.  If he was interested in you, you would know.  And stop talking to his Mom about dating him, that is kind of inappropriate.

You probably will not be able to get past these feelings unless you stop hanging out with him.  By staying in his life and hanging out with him, secretly holding out hope that he'll change his mind about being with you, you are just stringing yourself along.  Distance yourself from him so you can let yourself begin to move on.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good friends would know that about each other. 

Definitely good friends would know whether or not each other are involved with someone.  This is all the more reason to distance yourself from him.  He sees you as only a family friend. Sooner or later he will meet a lady he wants to be with and bring her around his family to do all the things you are doing with them now which is only natural.  You will be seen by her as a "play cousin" of the family which will be hurtful and uncomfortable for you.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, running4life said:

How do I enjoy the actives we did together without thinking of him?

By distancing yourself from him to get over it.  Pretty much everyone who can likes to hike, drink and dance.  So unless he's the only man you've ever done those things with that is someting most men do so he's easily replacable.  No loss there.

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, running4life said:

As in spending time together such as hiking, drinking or dancing? We've accomplished that.

No you tell him that you would like to go out on a date with him, then suggest that you would like to take him out for lunch or do a picnic. Put on a pretty dress, makeup, do your hair, etc when you ask him.

I'm just going to point out, we have many post from guys who worry about trying to make things romantic, fearing losing the person completely which does happen most of the time. You just never know that is how he feels.

Edited February 21, 2022 by smackie9

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

Quote

He friend zoned me almost 10 years ago.

What do you mean he friend zoned you?  What happened?

I don't think you should give up on this yet nor do I think you can afford to continue being silent about your feelings.  I think you need to squash this.  10 years is long enough.  That's 10 years of getting used to thinking about how it would be like together.  The longer this goes on, the harder it'll get for you, and the more destructive it'll be to your life.  You carry hope and are you holding your heart and your life back, for a guy who many potentially never be with you.     Because of this, I think it's important you get a direct answer from him to eliminate any room for doubt about how he feels about you.  This way you walk away knowing you did you tried your best. The wonder and the doubt will be gone.    I think the only way that can happen is if you talk to him about how you feel.  I'd advise arranging a date like how @smackie9  to do this.  Also yes, guys can end up accepting friendship with girls out of fear of rejection and losing them, so you never know.  I believe your history together is going to cushion this conversation.   

In the end, whatever happens, you leave that conversation with an answer, whether it's what you wanted to hear or not.  If it's not what you wanted to hear, that answer will be what helps you let go  (But we can cross that bridge if or when we get to it).  

Goodluck

- Beach

Edited February 21, 2022 by Beachead

[running4life]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No you tell him that you would like to go out on a date with him, then suggest that you would like to take him out for lunch or do a picnic. Put on a pretty dress, makeup, do your hair, etc when you ask him.

I'm just going to point out, we have many post from guys who worry about trying to make things romantic, fearing losing the person completely which does happen most of the time. You just never know that is how he feels.

As a girl, " then, suggest that you would like to take hum out for lunch or do a picnic." Doesn't that sound weird a girl asking a guy out? Never done that before. Always had the guys ask for lunch or dinner.

[running4life]

5 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hey OP,

What do you mean he friend zoned you?  What happened?

I don't think you should give up on this yet nor do I think you can afford to continue being silent about your feelings.  I think you need to squash this.  10 years is long enough.  That's 10 years of getting used to thinking about how it would be like together.  The longer this goes on, the harder it'll get for you, and the more destructive it'll be to your life.  You carry hope and are you holding your heart and your life back, for a guy who many potentially never be with you.     Because of this, I think it's important you get a direct answer from him to eliminate any room for doubt about how he feels about you.  This way you walk away knowing you did you tried your best. The wonder and the doubt will be gone.    I think the only way that can happen is if you talk to him about how you feel.  I'd advise arranging a date like how @smackie9  to do this.  Also yes, guys can end up accepting friendship with girls out of fear of rejection and losing them, so you never know.  I believe your history together is going to cushion this conversation.   

In the end, whatever happens, you leave that conversation with an answer, whether it's what you wanted to hear or not.  If it's not what you wanted to hear, that answer will be what helps you let go  (But we can cross that bridge if or when we get to it).  

Goodluck

- Beach

Friendzone as in said he wanted to be friends and that the previous girl should have been his wife. I told him how I felt and the timing was terrible. He was still recovering from a break up with a girl of 5 years who left him for one of his once, best friends.

 

I'll set up a date and keep everyone posted.

 

 

[CollinW]

What type of woman does he like and how do you match up to that? 

I only ask this because I've dated women who felt we had this deep love and connection but ignored the fact we didn't match naturally, and didn't necessarily care to be or do what I preferred. 

[Wiseman2]

Try to relax. After 10 years all the make-up, dresses, etc. and asking him out is not suddenly going to turn him into a BF. He knows who you are by now.

Why not enjoy your friendship and set your sights elsewhere for dating/a relationship?

It seems more like a brother/sister relationship. Appreciate it for what it is.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, running4life said:

As a girl, " then, suggest that you would like to take hum out for lunch or do a picnic." Doesn't that sound weird a girl asking a guy out? Never done that before. Always had the guys ask for lunch or dinner.

True but is he asking you out for lunch or dinner?  You're the one who wants him so there's nothing wrong with you asking him out for a date.  At least then he will know you want more than friendship from him.