obsessed with her past

[ae7]

I need your help. I was married for about 15 years and divorced a couple years ago due to her cheating on me. I’ve been dating someone for about a year and things are going very well. However, I can’t stop thinking about her with her exes. It’s absolutely ridiculous and negative but I can’t stop. There’s nothing she’s done or said that’s even in the littlest bit a problem. She’s not comparing me to them, talking about them, etc… it’s all in my head.

 

Through our normal conversations she will mention things about them when prompted but I view it as a normal amount of stuff. For example, her dog barks at me when I walk around sometimes and I asked her if the dog did that to her other bfs and she basically said that the dog did and then pivoted to saying the dog doesn’t bark at her mom. That led to me internally imagining and picturing other dudes at her place doing the same stuff I’m doing. That’s absurd and not healthy of me!

 

I’m doing other stupid stuff like as I’m lying with her napping or watching tv, I think to myself if her exes held her the same way or did things that I do. Obviously, we all do some things similarly so the answer is probably yes more often than not.

 

Everything else in the relationship is going well and we are planning to move in together over summer. I don’t want to screw this up, help!

 

What can I do to stop this?

 

Things I’ve tried:

 

Telling myself that the exes are exes for a reason and she chooses me over them.

 

Telling myself to not be a hypocrite because I’ve done and had lots done to me over the course of my relationships too.

 

Telling myself to just stop because it’ll kill the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ae7 said:

I need your help. I was married for about 15 years and divorced a couple years ago due to her cheating on me. I’ve been dating someone for about a year and things are going very well. However, I can’t stop thinking about her with her exes.

Unfortunately you seem to still be reeling from your divorce and  the betrayals. Logically you know it's irrational but you have gut level reactions and thoughts.

 See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Edited February 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

21 minutes ago, ae7 said:

I need your help. I was married for about 15 years and divorced a couple years ago due to her cheating on me. I’ve been dating someone for about a year and things are going very well. However, I can’t stop thinking about her with her exes. It’s absolutely ridiculous and negative but I can’t stop. There’s nothing she’s done or said that’s even in the littlest bit a problem. She’s not comparing me to them, talking about them, etc… it’s all in my head.

 

Through our normal conversations she will mention things about them when prompted but I view it as a normal amount of stuff. For example, her dog barks at me when I walk around sometimes and I asked her if the dog did that to her other bfs and she basically said that the dog did and then pivoted to saying the dog doesn’t bark at her mom. That led to me internally imagining and picturing other dudes at her place doing the same stuff I’m doing. That’s absurd and not healthy of me!

 

I’m doing other stupid stuff like as I’m lying with her napping or watching tv, I think to myself if her exes held her the same way or did things that I do. Obviously, we all do some things similarly so the answer is probably yes more often than not.

 

Everything else in the relationship is going well and we are planning to move in together over summer. I don’t want to screw this up, help!

 

What can I do to stop this?

 

Things I’ve tried:

 

Telling myself that the exes are exes for a reason and she chooses me over them.

 

Telling myself to not be a hypocrite because I’ve done and had lots done to me over the course of my relationships too.

 

Telling myself to just stop because it’ll kill the relationship.

 

my gut instincts in reading this are

 

1. you think she is out if your league so why is dhe with you

2. you lack self confidence

3. an issue with your ex hasn’t been addressed.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ae7 said:

What can I do to stop this? 

Counselling. 

1 hour ago, ae7 said:

For example, her dog barks at me when I walk around sometimes and I asked her if the dog did that to her other bfs

I will be very honest with you - this gets old fast. It’s not her responsibility to provide reassurance to you and I would not put up with this from my partner for very long. 

I am also in a relationship with a man who has previously been married. I understand the temptation to wonder - but I tell myself that it didn’t work out for them (for obvious reasons) and he has chosen to be with me. 

If you are trying to challenge your irrational thinking and it’s not working - you need to seek the help of a counsellor. I would do it before you move in with the woman. I would suggest someone who can work through some cognitive behavioural therapy with you. I’m going to guess that this has it’s basis in your previous relationship but it’s going to destroy your current relationship if you don’t change your thinking. Good luck. 

Edited February 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[ae7]

Thank you all for the replies, it’s very appreciated. Years ago when going through my divorce this board helped me quite a bit.

 

I’m very aware that this is not sustainable for me to have these thoughts and you’re right, it’ll absolutely destroy the relationship if I don’t stop. The dog example is just one scenario where I let myself verbalize the thought… there’s no way she will want to continue hearing stuff like that. She doesn’t do that to me.

 

Further, regardless of this specific relationship, if i don’t get rid of this way of thinking I’ll sabotage my next relationships too. This girl has had normal life experiences and I need to both accept that and not think about it.

 

I try suppressing the questions but it’s failing and I need to figure out how not to even have that train of thought to begin with.

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, ae7 said:

I need to figure out how not to even have that train of thought to begin with.

What is it that you fear? If she says - yes, my other boyfriends were different/better - what would that mean to you? What’s the worst case scenario that may happen? And, if the worst did happen - how would you deal with that?

Have you ever thought about having an honest discussion with the woman? That which we do not talk about tends to control us sometimes - what would happen if you were to make yourself vulnerable, tell her about your pst relationship and how it’s affecting you now, tell her that you are going to get help because you don’t want it to affect your relationship, but ask for her love and support as you work through this. No, she doesn’t want to hear you ask about her previous boyfriends all the time but I can believe that she would be understanding and supportive if you told her that this relationship is triggering some things you haven’t dealt with from the past -

Just something to consider. It is not possible to have an intimate relationship without making yourself vulnerable. There is always the possibility that you will be hurt, but you may also be healed.

 

Edited February 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[divegrl]

Went through this same thing in my current relationship. Worked on this with  my therapist and it made a huge difference.

Sometimes we have so much shame around the things we are thinking. Ie, I shouldn’t be thinking about their exes, it’s irrational. But that only drives the obsession more.  Accepting that, yes I was jealous of his exes, and then I was able to work with and release the emotion. 
 

Take care and wishing you the best. 

[vla1120]

It sounds like, when these thoughts invade your thinking, you need to refocus your thoughts on the facts. She is with YOU. None of her ex's are in the room with you so do not let them take up precious space in your brain and in your relationship! Every single time you start thinking these thoughts, refocus on the moment and refocus on her. Think of how you would feel if she broke up with you because you were having these obsessive thoughts. Bring yourself back to the here and now. Don't obsess on her past, nor on yours. Allow yourself to enjoy this relationship.

[ShyViolet]

You know that this is a problem with YOU and not anything having to do with her, and you know these thoughts are irrational.  That's a good first step.

Now, you really need to go to therapy.  This sounds like it's a serious problem and you aren't able to control it on your own.  Just telling yourself to "not think about it" isn't going to work, obviously.  Seek a therapist.

[ExpatInItaly]

By the sounds of it, you have never really processed the pain of your ex-wife's cheating, nor your divorce. 

Suppressing these feelings is going to magnify your issues over time, so it would be wise to seek some counselling. That will help give you an appropriate outlet for these fears and anxiety, while also offering you to tools to cope. 

You're seeing that you're unable to simply redirect your thoughts or convince yourself that your girlfriend's exes are not a problem. In theory, that would work - but in practice, it's not working at all. Time to seek out professional support. Consider it a gift to yourself to free yourself from your past, because that's the real problem. Not your girlfriend's past. 

 

[FMW]

You have at least one ex, one that was important enough to you that you married and with whom you spent 15 years.  Does that take away from how you care about your girlfriend?

If so, then your feelings for your ex are at the heart of your issue.

If not, then work on accepting you both have past relationships, and they are exactly that - past.  Her experiences with her exes don't hold any more meaning to the relationship you share with her than do hers.

 

Edited February 20, 2022 by FMW