Should I boycott all dating and just do casual sex only?

[ironpony]

 I feel like after trying relationships so heavily now over the years and not being the best experiences, perhaps I just can't take relationships seriously anymore. Maybe because of my autism, it's just too hard and I might as well just stick to casual sex and FWBs and that's it. If a woman asks for a relationship, do not take it seriously and just casual, and just tell her that.

What do you think? Perhaps for some people maybe even someone with autism more so, this might be best?

Edited February 18, 2022 by ironpony

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you are frustrated. But I don't think you need to quit because of your autism. Without autism, dating for most of us requires a lot of trial and error and learning. LOTS!

This forum is full of people trying to make sense of dating. So you are not alone. Yes, you have some additional challenges. But other people have traumas to overcome and abuse histories and on and on. 

So what are your resources like. Decide if you want to date. If you do, then get to a therapist or coach and each week, you go over your dating. You need ongoing feedback to learn what to do. Don't feel bad: I don't have autism, but I have trauma in my family and I had a history of ignoring pain (emotional) because there was always pain around in my family. Well ignoring pain is a recipe for relationship disaster. So at one point, I needed a therapist to really give me detailed feedback in the middle of dating. 

So can you afford therapy for this? If so, go for it. BTW: casual sex is not all that easy. It requires probably as much social skill--maybe more--as serious dating. You still have to learn to communicate in certain way, read people's reactions in a certain way.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

perhaps I just can't take relationships seriously anymore.

It's possible you're in the wrong relationships with the wrong people. FWBs won't fix that but better partner selection in general could.

For example, dating coworkers is a bad idea. Dating women way outside your age group is problematic. Dating women still overly involved with exes are problems.

When you socialize more perhaps even in ASD support or volunteer groups you may find more understanding likeminded women. 

However ASD itself doesn't doom you to random sex. You can have a connection.

But don't date barely adult coworkers with a tractor-trailer of ex drama. 

Edited February 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

About dating more mature women who understand autism 

[Lotsgoingon]

One thing I learned from my super-smart, amazing-with-social-skills therapist was that at some point early on, you really want to screen for key characteristics. In your case, Ironypony, you will come out with autism to the person. It's more than that. You want to be specific about the challenges of dating you.

At the same time, you want to be proud and clear about your gifts and strengths. So you're not beggning someone to look past your weaknesses. You want to screen for someone who--adding up your strengths and your challenges--come to the conclusion that dating you is very much worth it!

You also want to learn how to compensate some for your weaknesses. There are ways to do that.

My ex had a horrible and destructive temper. Had she learned to simply come back later and apologize and if she had learned to notice when her anger was coming and then to walk out for a while ... seriously, she could have reduced the horrible impact of her temper by 80 percent. She would have had me rooting for her. And I would have felt safe, knowing she would quickly own up to her lashing out and repair it. 

 

 

 

[ironpony]

Oh ok.

But it seems like the more mature ones think they are more advanced than me in the past.

[ironpony]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's possible you're in the wrong relationships with the wrong people. FWBs won't fix that but better partner selection in general could.

For example, dating coworkers is a bad idea. Dating women way outside your age group is problematic. Dating women still overly involved with exes are problems.

When you socialize more perhaps even in ASD support or volunteer groups you may find more understanding likeminded women. 

However ASD itself doesn't doom you to random sex. You can have a connection.

But don't date barely adult coworkers with a tractor-trailer of ex drama. 

But when I went for older women in past they had even more problems that the current one.  So I didn't think age would make a difference, especially since I am not as advanced as women my own age because of the autism.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 I feel like after trying relationships so heavily now over the years and not being the best experiences, perhaps I just can't take relationships seriously anymore. Maybe because of my autism, it's just too hard and I might as well just stick to casual sex and FWBs and that's it. If a woman asks for a relationship, do not take it seriously and just casual, and just tell her that.

What do you think? Perhaps for some people maybe even someone with autism more so, this might be best?

 

I have something in the ASD/ aspergers area.  It’s genetic and runs on my moms side of the family.

 

high intelligence and some formof social/ relationship problems.

 

in my moms family, she was the oldest of 5. Her and two sibling do’s had it. The ones that didn’t have kids that have it.  My new phew has it.

the women who have it have gotten away without realizing it because social norms have the guy initiate and approach her.

 

my success in relationships have been

 

1 I gradually got to know someone and talk to them or we knew each other at least saually like coworkers, common places, classmates etc.

2 online dating which go past the cold opening thing.

 

aftergetting to the point of initial communicating I have gotten on dates.

 

ive had some success.  Some first meets didn’t succeed for various irunknown reasons.

 

I think there is something different going on with you.

[ironpony]

Oh ok thanks.  Any idea what could be going on with me that's different?

[Ami1uwant]

Just now, ironpony said:

Oh ok thanks.  Any idea what could be going on with me that's different?

I need to know if there are any patterns in how youare picking people.

[ironpony]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

I need to know if there are any patterns in how youare picking people.

I usually go for someone who appears nice and charming with a certain degree of sexiness if that helps.  Tried different types.

[ShyViolet]

Stop trying so hard to have relationships.  It's resulting in you starting relationships with the wrong person.  If you haven't met the right person, then it's better to just do casual sex for a while, and if the right person comes along and it feels really right, let a relationship develop.

[chillii]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

But when I went for older women in past they had even more problems that the current one.  So I didn't think age would make a difference, especially since I am not as advanced as women my own age because of the autism.

Yeah they usually would in my past experience. But this one is too young never the less and she has here own problems and growing to do, but the right older would help . What you really need though is the person - patient, understanding ,a good person, considerate and importantly too just into you as you should be ea other. l've known a few guys with far more serious MH problems yet both have been married years to decent loving understanding and supportive women.

Edited February 19, 2022 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

I feel some people spend their adult life dating or in relationships in light of being autistic. Others who are not autistic may remain single.

Whether you are in a relationship or casually dating, you can succeed, as long as you work hard at it. As you always have been. The importance of finding a partner who can relate to you and accepts you for who you are cannot be overstated.

I agree though with the advice that being upfront about the traits of your Autism. Following your lead, they can approach it in a similarly casual manner, allowing them to better understand you while also allowing them to feel more at ease with something they may not yet know how to be at ease with or understand.

My 2nd cousin has autism. Despite finding dating difficult, he eventually married and had children. Having communication barriers was his wife's biggest concern and challenge. She can't do dancing or fluff. The key for them is that they are both perfectly content with being with someone who is different from themselves.

It is inevitable that a successful relationship will require some adaptation, as well as recognizing and acknowledging significant differences.

If one of you is hell-bent on changing the other's mindset, it's not going to work.

Edited February 19, 2022 by Alpaca

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  Maybe I needed to cool off, and things will be okay :).

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah they usually would in my past experience. But this one is too young never the less and she has here own problems and growing to do, but the right older would help . What you really need though is the person - patient, understanding ,a good person, considerate and importantly too just into you as you should be ea other. l've known a few guys with far more serious MH problems yet both have been married years to decent loving understanding and supportive women.

Oh are you saying I might be the right older person for her, or are you saying something else?

[chillii]

No , she's not right for you and your not right for her, she has her own problems and growing to do.

You need some body else as l described.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I see what you mean, when you say the right older.  But when I go for older women in the past, they seemed to psychologically advanced for me because of my autism.  Before when I had more time to see a therapist in my schedule, the therapist told me that I have the psychological maturity of someone in their late teens and early 20s.  So I thought that my current gf might be better for me since she was around that age.

But if this is true, according to the therapist, wouldn't I therefore have less of a chance with women my own age, especially since they have left me before, because of me not being mature or advanced enough for them?

[chillii]

Yeah right . When l say older l don't mean older than you or any particular age at all really but just at least older than this one well , if your looking for something serious anyway. Maybe someone 30s somewhere for example but also not too advanced either and gentle hearted. But at least she'd be older and more ready to settle down and take on whatever challenges there might be if she's a good person and into you.

At any rate these are just thoughts nothing in stone as l don't even know you. Best of luck though.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 I thought that my current gf might be better for me since she was around that age.

Your current GF seems to frustrate you with the work drama, ex drama, sex drama, legal drama, nonsense argument over irrelevant buzzwords,etc. 

She's about 1/2 your age. She moved past you at work. There were reprimands about your inappropriate behaviors at work.  You claimed she has ASD as well.

 At some point you'll have to decide whether to continue with her or end it. It's that simple.  

Yes you live at home and many women are put off by that in a middle aged man. As far as ASD, as you have seen even someone who also has that and is half your age, doesn't make you happy.

 

 

[ironpony]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your current GF seems to frustrate you with the work drama, ex drama, sex drama, legal drama, nonsense argument over irrelevant buzzwords,etc. 

She's about 1/2 your age. She moved past you at work. There were reprimands about your inappropriate behaviors at work.  You claimed she has ASD as well.

 At some point you'll have to decide whether to continue with her or end it. It's that simple.  

Yes you live at home and many women are put off by that in a middle aged man. As far as ASD, as you have seen even someone who also has that and is half your age, doesn't make you happy.

 

 

Oh okay thanks.  When you say buzzwords, which buzzwords are you referring to?  What do you mean she moved past me at work exactly?  I didn't think it was her age that was the problem though.  I tried dating three women that were older than me for example, that I felt were less mature and secure than her as a comparison.  So I didn't think it was her age that was the problem, since other women of different ages could be less mature and secure.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. The core of a relationship is a mutual decision to continue it. There can be all sorts of other factors in play, huge challenges etc, but if they both are still "in the relationship" then they are both still in the relationship. A relationship can even survive death if the remaining partner simply decides to continue being "loyal" to the deceased one.

Although there are plenty of great relationships, is also true that plenty appear to exist despite serious problems and in some cases simply due to the "inertia" of it not feeling worth it to leave. It may not be the "healthiest" type of relationship, but it's nonetheless a de facto reality.

There's no real reason to be in LTRs if you feel they aren't for you. You are you. However, it's certainly possible to "let" a LTR happen to you by not choosing to leave (if your partner also chooses to stay). I suspect some small but real % of "happy, successful marriages" are exactly this. Not saying you should do this by any means, but it's one possible route to a LTR, since you seem to want one at some level.

Edited February 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[ironpony]

Oh okay, thank you for your input.  I guess sometimes I feel like life will be easier to go through if I have a partner to go through it with and we help and support each other.  But on the other hand sometimes it feels like that would make it more challenging and difficult based on my experiences, and maybe it's easier just to be alone, and get casual sex, whenever you feel like temporary sex and intimacy that way.

[ASG]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  When you say buzzwords, which buzzwords are you referring to?  What do you mean she moved past me at work exactly?  I didn't think it was her age that was the problem though.  I tried dating three women that were older than me for example, that I felt were less mature and secure than her as a comparison.  So I didn't think it was her age that was the problem, since other women of different ages could be less mature and secure.

He's talking about the recent arguments you have had with your gf about privilege. 

And she moved past you at work, as she is a manager and you aren't. 

You don't neee to date women older than you.

But women older than your current gf might be a bit better suited. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  I just didn't know what was meant by 'buzzwords'.  Thanks, that makes sense.

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Edited February 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address topic