Sexual attraction to a narcissistic friend

[bmne90]

Hi all. So a friend of mine (F19y) recently moved to my area to study at a college nearby. We had lost contact, and I find out on social media that she’s in town. So I asked her if she needed anything, and learn that she’s stuck in a bad homestay situation. I offered to help her leave the place, and through this process, I find that I’m sexually attracted to her. 

I am sure nothing romantic is even remotely possible. Whenever we talk, she’s ALWAYS talking about herself. When she initiates contact, which is almost daily, it’s always either revolving around the topic of her moving, complaining about her current living situation, and/or providing updates about her daily struggles. So it appears she’s probably not that interested in me either, and more into herself and the help she can receive from me.

So we meet up to take her house shopping and I felt her rejecting my every little offer of just plain friendship. I asked if she wanted to grab a bite: “no thanks”. Go grocery shopping? “No thanks.” All she was interested in was talking about herself. She did also mention that she hooked up with her physical trainer at a gym, but he ended up dumping her after the hookup, which was her first time, and caused her trauma, which is why she left town since she had apparently developed androphobia (fear of men). So I back off, and kept everything professional the rest of the day. 

However, our text conversation that night wound up drifting towards the topic of sex again, and we talked for a good 2 hours. She opened up about another time she was apparently sexually assaulted in a car a week ago. I ask why she didn’t call police, she just said there’s no point, so I’m scratching my head. But I felt she opened up a lot more, and was more comfortable joking with me and asking me questions for once.

Anyway, my question is, what’s going on here? Is there something obvious I’m missing? Should I stay away from her? I should add that even after these stories she revealed, it doesn’t change that I’m still sexually attracted to her.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, bmne90 said:

 it doesn’t change that I’m still sexually attracted to her.

It would be best to distance yourself. At best this is the friendzone and not a very good friend at that. It's ok to have a crush but this isn't going anywhere.

[glows]

Sexual attraction is instinctive. It requires no thought process whatsoever and occurs at a gut level. Acknowledge it but do nothing. She’s a poor choice in partner due to her current issues she needs to sort out.

How old are you? Are you also 19 or older? That’s generous of you to help her get settled in but manipulative of you to try to date her when she’s clearly got multiple issues and seems troubled. She needs to straighten herself out, get settled, find work if she’s unemployed or focus on her schooling. Bouncing around like this due to failed hook ups is a red flag and it also sounds like a bag of lies. She may not be telling you the truth of why she left her previous place. 

Date other women with their lives sorted out.

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Sexual attraction is instinctive. It requires no thought process whatsoever and occurs at a gut level. Acknowledge it but do nothing. She’s a poor choice in partner due to her current issues she needs to sort out.

How old are you? Are you also 19 or older? That’s generous of you to help her get settled in but manipulative of you to try to date her when she’s clearly got multiple issues and seems troubled. She needs to straighten herself out, get settled, find work if she’s unemployed or focus on her schooling. Bouncing around like this due to failed hook ups is a red flag and it also sounds like a bag of lies. She may not be telling you the truth of why she left her previous place. 

Date other women with their lives sorted out.

agreed.  trying to help her just because you have a crush on her and expecting a reaction is not really helping.  also her telling you she lost her virginity? to her personal trainer as a one night stand, and that she was sexually assaulted and taken advantage of in a car a week ago is not really a sign of "opening up" to you in any type of romantic interest way.  everyone is different obviously, but someone dumping that on me would be quite a buzzkill for any type of sexual interest and quickly start turning it to worry and concern about her general well-being.

[ShyViolet]

You can be sexually attracted to someone even if that person wouldn't be a good partner for you, wouldn't be a good romantic interest, even if that person doesn't treat you particularly well and if you don't like their personality.  Just acknowledge to yourself that you are sexually attracted to her, it's just a physical thing, even though you know that she's not someone you would date or will ever date.  

But yes, I think you should stay away from her, considering the fact that it doesn't even sound like she cares about you or is a good friend.  So what's the point of spending time with her?

[BaileyB]

On 2/16/2022 at 4:24 AM, bmne90 said:

Should I stay away from her?

What would draw you toward her - other than the fact that you are sexually attracted to her? I mean, there are so many red flags flying here you could have yourself a parade. 

If you decide to ignore your better judgment and have sex with the woman, I would advise you to use protection and get yourself an STD test. 

Based on your description, there are some pretty significant trauma here and there is no amount of sexual attraction that would prompt me to get involved with this woman. 

The kindest thing you could do is encourage her to seek help/counselling and leave her alone. 

Edited February 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

The best thing you can do is not get involved..AT ALL, not even friendship. I wouldn't say she's a narcissist but possibly still on that teenager immaturity level...where the world still revolves around them. She hasn't got that life experience yet in order to be aware of her surrounds, or others. She's narrow minded for sure. There is nothing you can do to change this, but to walk. 

[nme]

Ok. So I (23y, male) hooked up with a friend (18y, female) I’ve known for a few years now. We had rekindled our friendship, and after a turn of events, we ended up having sex. After that, we haven’t contacted each other, and it’s been two days.

A little backstory, she and I have talked about being friends and nothing more. The other day, she called me crying about a situation that really did take place. So I head over after work and took her out for food. We talked about sex throughout dinner, and I ended up kissing her for a bit in my car. But I told her I didn’t want to do anything more than that, as it might potentially ruin our friendship. But she didn’t want to go home, and we just kept talking, and by the time I forced her to go back inside the house, she was locked out. So I took her to a hotel, and nothing happened until morning where sex did take place, but the whole time she didn’t want to give me oral. 

Later that day, after walking for a bit in a park next to her house, I tried kissing her as I dropped her off, but she pushed me away and said she only kissed me the night before as she was loaded on drugs that she was taking...? It was so awkward, and yeah, I’m left confused, and it’s been a few days and she hasn’t texted me at all. What gives? Should I initiate contact?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, nme said:

  she didn’t want to go home, and we just kept talking, and by the time I forced her to go back inside the house, she was locked out. So I took her to a hotel.

Does she have trouble at home? Why was she locked out?

She's a teen. Be careful with this.

It's unseemly to act as if a friend comforting her, then end up in a hotel having sex.

Step way back from this. She needs help from trusted adults with her issues at home. 

Edited February 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[nme]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have trouble at home? Why was she locked out?

Thanks for your reply

Yeah she’s having some troubles with her mom at home, but luckily she’s moving out to her own apartment in a few days, and I was also helping her look for her own place.

So what do you think is going on here? Should I reach out? Is she feeling hurt; did I do something wrong? Since there’s no communication, I don’t know if I should reach out? Continue to help her move out?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, nme said:

 she’s having some troubles with her mom at home, but luckily she’s moving out to her own apartment in a few days, 

Does she have a job? Can she support herself? Wait for her to contact you. The hotel situation was a game changer and she may need time, especially if there's trouble at home, to figure things out.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, nme said:

sex did take place, but the whole time she didn’t want to give me oral. 

Not all women like giving oral sex, OP. 

2 hours ago, nme said:

said she only kissed me the night before as she was loaded on drugs that she was taking...?

What sort of drugs does she take? 

2 hours ago, nme said:

she was locked out

Why did she mom lock her out? 

She sounds like a troubled young woman, unfortuantely. I am not sure now is the right time for her to date. Having said that, we ladies are usually conditioned to believe the onus is on the man to follow up after sex (however wrong or right that might be)  You could try reaching out but keep in mind she is very young and has a lot of issues, it seems. 

[nme]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have a job? Can she support herself?

As a full-time student, she doesn’t currently have a job, but her family will take care of her finances until then for sure.

 

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The hotel situation was a game changer

Game-changer as in like the situation got worse? Or in terms of our friendship? I can definitely wait for her to contact me, but knowing her, I don’t really see her doing that

[nme]

Thanks for your reply!

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not all women like giving oral sex, OP. 

Yeah I know, but I took it as her not being too attracted to me, at least in terms of sexually.

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sort of drugs does she take? 

She mentioned sleeping pills for sure, and I think some anxiety/depression pills as well. She claimed those drugs were responsible for her not thinking straight and allowing me to kiss her.

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You could try reaching out

I’m definitely contemplating it, but I first wanted to see if anyone here would know what’s going on on her end before I potentially make the situation worse. I’m so confused haha.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, nme said:

She mentioned sleeping pills for sure, and I think some anxiety/depression pills as well. She claimed those drugs were responsible for her not thinking straight and allowing me to kiss her.

I'm sorry, but this does not sound plausible unless she took significantly more of her medication than advised. And if she'd taken too many sleeping pills, you likely would have noticed as well. She wouldn't have been very coherent or alert. 

It sounds to me as though she had some regrets the next day and didn't want to hurt your feelings by not kissing you. So she came up with an excuse. 

10 minutes ago, nme said:

I first wanted to see if anyone here would know what’s going on on her

We wouldn't have any better idea than you on this one, OP. 

How did you get to know this girl, by the way? You are 5 years older and say you've been friends for a few years. She must have been quite young when you met.  

And what was the situation she called you in tears about? 

Edited February 20, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, nme said:

She mentioned sleeping pills for sure, and I think some anxiety/depression pills as well. She claimed those drugs were responsible for her not thinking straight and allowing me to kiss her.

Do not have sex with vulnerable teens and do not have sex with anyone unable to consent. For all you know, she's filing assault charges

Leave her alone. She knows your contact info. Friends don't sexually prey on disturbed drugged out teens or bring them to hotels..

They bring them to an ER for medical help.  

[nme]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds to me as though she had some regrets the next day and didn't want to hurt your feelings by not kissing you.

It did seem that way, but what I can’t figure out is what she could be regretting?

51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How did you get to know this girl, by the way? You are 5 years older and say you've been friends for a few years. She must have been quite young when you met. 

We met when I was a senior in high school, and she was a freshman.

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what was the situation she called you in tears about? 

Her mom wanted to kick her out of the house, which I’m told was because her mom has temper issues?

[nme]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Friends don't sexually prey on disturbed drugged out teens or bring them to hotels..

Wow.

I didn’t “prey” on her. In my post, if you remember, I stated that I didn’t want to do anything more than just kissing. I had no idea she was using drugs until the next day when she told me. Also, I didn’t bring her to a hotel for sex.....she had nowhere to stay for the night, and so my initial thinking was to bring her to a hotel for shelter for the night. Please get the facts straight.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, nme said:

It did seem that way, but what I can’t figure out is what she could be regretting?

She might be regretting having sex with you. 

[nme]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might be regretting having sex with you. 

I meant like why she would’ve regretted it?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, nme said:

I meant like why she would’ve regretted it?

We can't really say with any certainty, but sometimes what feels good in the moment wasn't the best decision in the cold light of day. 

But this is all speculation.  Why not send her a message and see how her day is going? You seem very nervous to even contact her. 

[nme]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We can't really say with any certainty, but sometimes what feels good in the moment wasn't the best decision in the cold light of day. 

But this is all speculation.  Why not send her a message and see how her day is going? You seem very nervous to even contact her. 

Yeah I’ll probably just do that; like you said, the onus tends to be on the man to follow up after sex.

Thanks for listening and for your advice

[glows]

Let her go. She has personal issues and a living situation she needs to sort out. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment and infer how unstable and screwed up her life is. She may be a lovely woman but she must figure out her living and health issues first. 

If you care even half an iota about her, even a sliver, step back and have the confidence to date women who are not going through issues like this. You owe yourself less headache as well. She may seem enticing because she’s vulnerable. You already know it’s not because she’s any catch at all.

[nme]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Let her go. She has personal issues and a living situation she needs to sort out. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment and infer how unstable and screwed up her life is. She may be a lovely woman but she must figure out her living and health issues first. 

If you care even half an iota about her, even a sliver, step back and have the confidence to date women who are not going through issues like this. You owe yourself less headache as well. She may seem enticing because she’s vulnerable. You already know it’s not because she’s any catch at all.

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Can’t imagine how tough it is in her shoes. I guess it would be best to step back in terms of wanting more and just let her heal.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, nme said:

I had no idea she was using drugs until the next day when she told me. .she had nowhere to stay for the night.

Perhaps you tried your best to help her, but she needs more assistance than you can offer. Apparently she has a physician/therapist who can help her with the conflicts at home and misuse of prescribed medications. Nonetheless, she has your contact info and eventually went home to her mother, no?