I am so sick of grown women wasting my eyesight and time. Damm if you paranoid dont sign up for a datng app

[serial muse]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think your view WRT not meeting in person may actually parallel the "not give my number" view of the women you mention. In both cases a certain level of trust/"intimacy" must be reached before you are comfortable meeting in person AND CONVERSELY before they are comfortable giving their number to you. It's not an easy situation, but the above suggestions are "workarounds" that may help somewhat.

Yep, this. One person's paranoid is another person's reasonable boundary, apparently. OP, being dismissive of peoples' boundaries isn't likely to endear you to them. 

It's 100% true - not paranoid at all - that giving out your phone number potentially opens a person up to a level of harassment that is a lot harder to escape than turning off a computer. That only needs to happen to a person once. Try to have a little empathy. 

I understand that endless chatting on a computer can be irritating after a while (meaning a lot more than a single introductory hour). So why not say you'd like to meet up somewhere neutral for something small like coffee?

(But seriously, one hour of chatting online with a stranger is not a lot of time, slow your roll.)

[chillii]

1 hour ago, ASG said:

I very rarely talk on the phone with anyone that isn't my family. 

 

I certainly would not want to talk on the phone with a stranger I'd been chatting to for AN HOUR. 

I don't necessarily have a problem giving out my number, but I'm 100% not having a phone call with a stranger. I'd rather meet in person. 

Yeah right , wonder what the deal is l mean couldn't you just block them , or if it got ugly can the do more with your ph number ?

l was the opposite back in the day , wouldn't waste my time meeting somebody if we hadn't talked on the ph first. lf l didn't like them on the ph that wasn't likely to change going to all the trouble of meeting them later.

Edited February 16, 2022 by chillii

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, chillii said:

Yeah right , wonder what the deal is l mean couldn't you just block them , or if it got ugly can the do more with your ph number ?...

Just search your own phone number...then type in reverse look up and try that.   Suspect you will be surprised how much information on you there is available for free.  There will likely be false hits, but nothing a bit of further information or just following up on every lead doesn't fix.    There are simple ways to get even more information but don't want this to turn into an instruction manual.

[Beachead]

I think what's being written here needs to be challenged.  

People have a right to their caution but who's to say the person you are talking to hasn't lied on their profile?  Who's to say they aren't lying to you through an online chat?  Even if you withhold your number, favor a long chat online, and then meet up in a public location where and when you feel its safe, how do you know that person won't follow you home and figure out where you live afterwards?  What if you've made it a rule not to hand out your number after 3 dates, but crazy stalkerish guy or girl decides to reveal who he is on the 4th?   Most people tend to be on their best behavior in the first few months and many won't show their true colors until months in.  By then, they already have access to where you live, your number, your contacts and all kinds of personal information.  

If you're going to go down a road of fear and mistrust, then you might as well just quit altogether, because the whole OLD platform is built on strangers meeting strangers.  The whole concept is a giant risk.   

And secondly, when you're behind a screen, you're largely removed from the reality that you're talking to an actual person. It becomes a lot more easier to multitask instead of giving a person the respect of your undivided attention.   It can incentivize bailing on conversations without a courtesy closing message.  You don't have to deal with the other person's reactions if you're not feeling it.  You will also be blind to the non-verbal aspects of communication that come from hearing a person's voice. Seeing their facial expressions.  Body language.  It's far more easier to misinterpret or misunderstand what a person is saying or feeling.   And if you having hours of online communication, you've essentially burned out a good chunk of the conversation and the initial excitement of getting to know one another, which the both of you could have experienced, together, in-person.  

Online communication is a good tool for quick messages that allow you to get things done.  It is a terrible tool when used as a primary means of communication.

In the end, the one initiating is highly limited to how they can express themselves and the other person is highly limited to what they consequently learn about you.  No matter how great their profile looks or how crafty their opening message is, this factor is one of a few that are out of a person's control and it matters to the party that is expected to initiate interaction which is almost always the guy.

So while I see what people are saying on here about safety, I also understand where @IntBrowser frustrations are coming from.  It's not that difficult to relate to.

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Beachead

[central]

I've found that it's rare for a woman to NOT want to talk on the phone before deciding to meet.  Unless, of course, she is a scammer (on one site I know, a large majority of the women who contact me ARE fakes), in which case block and move on. 

[serial muse]

3 hours ago, Beachead said:

I think what's being written here needs to be challenged.  

People have a right to their caution but who's to say the person you are talking to hasn't lied on their profile?  Who's to say they aren't lying to you through an online chat?  Even if you withhold your number, favor a long chat online, and then meet up in a public location where and when you feel its safe, how do you know that person won't follow you home and figure out where you live afterwards?  What if you've made it a rule not to hand out your number after 3 dates, but crazy stalkerish guy or girl decides to reveal who he is on the 4th?   Most people tend to be on their best behavior in the first few months and many won't show their true colors until months in.  By then, they already have access to where you live, your number, your contacts and all kinds of personal information.  

If you're going to go down a road of fear and mistrust, then you might as well just quit altogether, because the whole OLD platform is built on strangers meeting strangers.  The whole concept is a giant risk.   

And secondly, when you're behind a screen, you're largely removed from the reality that you're talking to an actual person. It becomes a lot more easier to multitask instead of giving a person the respect of your undivided attention.   It can incentivize bailing on conversations without a courtesy closing message.  You don't have to deal with the other person's reactions if you're not feeling it.  You will also be blind to the non-verbal aspects of communication that come from hearing a person's voice. Seeing their facial expressions.  Body language.  It's far more easier to misinterpret or misunderstand what a person is saying or feeling.   And if you having hours of online communication, you've essentially burned out a good chunk of the conversation and the initial excitement of getting to know one another, which the both of you could have experienced, together, in-person.  

Online communication is a good tool for quick messages that allow you to get things done.  It is a terrible tool when used as a primary means of communication.

In the end, the one initiating is highly limited to how they can express themselves and the other person is highly limited to what they consequently learn about you.  No matter how great their profile looks or how crafty their opening message is, this factor is one of a few that are out of a person's control and it matters to the party that is expected to initiate interaction which is almost always the guy.

So while I see what people are saying on here about safety, I also understand where @IntBrowser frustrations are coming from.  It's not that difficult to relate to.

 

I mean, sure, online dating has risks.

But I'm going to push back to your pushback, because I honestly don't know what the point of your post is here. Are you saying have no caution whatsoever, because caution is a slippery slope to paranoia, because online dating - heck, life! - is one big risk anyway? Throw ALL caution to the winds? Or just some? Where's a reasonable line to draw, exactly? And who determines where that line should be? Anyone might be anyone, even if you meet them in person, even if you've been dating for months, so trust no one, but also trust everyone because life's too short? Say whah?

Bottom line: People are allowed to set their own levels of comfort and risk tolerance. If you don't like that people might be different than you are, dating might be a challenge anyway. And if you think how they choose to be comfortable is just flat-out wrong and worthy of derision, then I guess you're not a match. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. 

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

l was the opposite back in the day , wouldn't waste my time meeting somebody if we hadn't talked on the ph first. lf l didn't like them on the ph that wasn't likely to change going to all the trouble of meeting them later.

Just stickin my $.02 in here, but that's one of the problems with OLDing cause someone can feel nervous and awkward speaking on the phone with someone they've never met, but in person they might have totally connected!

It's just so easy to "dismiss" someone and I realize I am guilty of it too for choosing to not meet 90% (or more) of the men I talk to, but that's on line.

If it doesn't work out with the man I recently connected with, I may reconsider this and begin meeting more men in person for a coffee or drink.

I may not have liked their style on line or in this case on the phone, but in person (which is what's important) I may feel totally different.

 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

58 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Just stickin my $.02 in here, but that's one of the problems with OLDing cause someone can feel nervous and awkward speaking on the phone with someone they've never met, but in person they might have totally connected!

It's just so easy to "dismiss" someone and I realize I am guilty of it too for choosing to not meet 90% (or more) of the men I talk to, but that's on line.

If it doesn't work out with the man I recently connected with, I may reconsider this and begin meeting more men in person for a coffee or drink.

I may not have liked their style on line or in this case on the phone, but in person (which is what's important) I may feel totally different.

I'm not one for a phone call first, not at all.  Without visual signals find it hard to really connect with strangers on the phone in a social manner, work no problem.  Those few have had (and I mean few, like less than 10% women met in OLD ever asked for it) it was like a job interview at best.  Things were always better in person, but none of the women who asked to speak on the phone first ever clicked with.

Now this was before Zoom and Teams were so big.  These days, if was still dating, I'd go for a video call but be sure to use my good camera.  There is no substitute for in person.

[chillii]

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Just search your own phone number...then type in reverse look up and try that.   Suspect you will be surprised how much information on you there is available for free.  There will likely be false hits, but nothing a bit of further information or just following up on every lead doesn't fix.    There are simple ways to get even more information but don't want this to turn into an instruction manual.

Really , shyt , didn't know that.

[chillii]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Just stickin my $.02 in here, but that's one of the problems with OLDing cause someone can feel nervous and awkward speaking on the phone with someone they've never met, but in person they might have totally connected!

It's just so easy to "dismiss" someone and I realize I am guilty of it too for choosing to not meet 90% (or more) of the men I talk to, but that's on line.

If it doesn't work out with the man I recently connected with, I may reconsider this and begin meeting more men in person for a coffee or drink.

I may not have liked their style on line or in this case on the phone, but in person (which is what's important) I may feel totally different.

 

 

 

Yeah fair enough go with whatever works for ya.

For me l'd like to think that too really but l also knew myself and my feels very well and whenever l did go against it, unfortunately it was spot on. But you know, sometimes too it might not have even been like that, more just stuff that came out in a call and l'd know then she just wasn't for me anyway.

 

 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by chillii

[Beachead]

@serial muse

5 hours ago, serial muse said:

But I'm going to push back to your pushback, because I honestly don't know what the point of your post is here.

To make sure people are staying open-minded here and not alienating the OP by dismissing his feelings.  For example, calling him "Rigid" just because he's frustrated with the method of communication on OLD he's consistently restricted to, and wants to set a standard for himself.  

Stuff like that is not helpful. 

The suggestion that he use Zoom and Teams?  Helpful.

Have an open-discussion.  People will learn more this way. 

That's the point.

 

 

Edited February 17, 2022 by Beachead

[poppyfields]

Deleted.

Good luck @IntBrowser.

 

Edited February 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

52 minutes ago, Beachead said:

To make sure people are staying open-minded here and not alienating the OP by dismissing his feelings.  For example, calling him "Rigid" just because he's frustrated with the method of communication on OLD he's consistently restricted to, and wants to set a standard for himself.  

Stuff like that is not helpful. 

@Beachead rigid is not a "bad" word, it's the opposite of flexible, which everyone could use to be when dating, on line and in real life.  I don't know anyone who would disagree with that.

I think it's important to remember that every opinion counts; we are all here to help.

And it's up to the OP to determine what is helpful and what is not.

 

 

 

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's continuing without OP and with ongoing debating.  @IntBrowser if you want the thread reopened please flag and we can reopen it.