My Date Ditched Me! What Can I do?

[Uruktopi]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So now that I think about it, I'm not sure I'd want to go out with him again if he does call me back.

Do not

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Is there an etiquette for those kind of situations? For me, it would make sense to at least walk to the bathroom and maybe ask a waitress to check if your date is OK.  I don't know, maybe I am totally wrong here. I know, he called her few times but what if she felt sick or something?

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Unfortunately many women that have ditched their dates by walking out the back door have made it difficult to give others the benefit of the doubt.

He made an incorrect assumption, but even if he'd made the correct assumption, he still would've been justified in leaving.

[FMW]

I think the thing to do is turn the situation around and be honest with yourself. I think the consideration and respect owed is the same, whether woman or man.  What would you do if a date you didn't know well (I'm gathering it was new, maybe even first actual date) disappeared for 20 minutes or more?  I'm fairly sure I would think I had been ditched.  If I saw him standing and talking to someone and he still hadn't come back to the table as agreed after our trips to the bar/bathroom, I would think he was incredibly rude.  

I don't want to pile on OP, but the only thing wrong I see that this guy did was not paying for food that had already been ordered.  I'm not saying that's not enough to not want to date him again, but the way it all came about didn't involve any particular wrongdoing from him.  If the order was for appetizers only, and he went to the bar and bought drinks for you both, he might have decided he'd already paid at least half of the date already (depending on what the drinks were).  I wouldn't spend a lot of time focusing on that if I had disappeared on him for that long.  I think the idea offered earlier that you weren't that interested in him anyway (or you wouldn't have stayed away so long talking to a total stranger) is probably accurate.  Probably best to let it go and move on.  

[poppyfields]

Alpaca, this was asked earlier but was this a first meet? 

Or, as I asked later, is this the same guy you posted about in your previous threads?  Did you finally have your date that had taken what seemed like forever to schedule?

I think it matters, cause if it were a first meet, he might have assumed he was being ditched.

If it was the same guy as in your previous threads and you've been dating for awhile, no excuse.

Any decent boyfriend or man you've been dating would have tried to see where you were before taking off and leaving you with the bill.

That's the part that irks me the most, that he left you with the entire bill.

I think that is reason enough to not see him again even IF he does reach out again, which is doubtful imo.

A highly interested man would have accepted your apology and texted back.

What you did wasn't that egregious, as you said, between him going to the rest room and then buying drinks, you were gone maybe ten minutes, big whoop.

 

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

I think the thing to do is turn the situation around and be honest with yourself. I think the consideration and respect owed is the same, whether woman or man.  What would you do if a date you didn't know well (I'm gathering it was new, maybe even first actual date) disappeared for 20 minutes or more?  I'm fairly sure I would think I had been ditched.  If I saw him standing and talking to someone and he still hadn't come back to the table as agreed after our trips to the bar/bathroom, I would think he was incredibly rude.  

I don't want to pile on OP, but the only thing wrong I see that this guy did was not paying for food that had already been ordered.  I'm not saying that's not enough to not want to date him again, but the way it all came about didn't involve any particular wrongdoing from him.  If the order was for appetizers only, and he went to the bar and bought drinks for you both, he might have decided he'd already paid at least half of the date already (depending on what the drinks were).  I wouldn't spend a lot of time focusing on that if I had disappeared on him for that long.  I think the idea offered earlier that you weren't that interested in him anyway (or you wouldn't have stayed away so long talking to a total stranger) is probably accurate.  Probably best to let it go and move on.  

Again, I was gone for maybe 10 minutes longer.

He said he was going to the mens room and going to the bar for drinks while I went to the bathroom. That would have taken him about 10 minutes or so too, no?

28 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

If I think about it, him going to the men's restroom and then the bar for drinks would have taken 10 minutes or so, so I was gone probably 10 minutes longer give or take.

Having said that, if I was waiting at the table for 10 MINUTES, no, I would not have left.

I couldn't give a flying fig about paying for the appetizers and tip and the cab ride home.

 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, this was asked earlier but was this a first meet? 

Or, as I asked later, is this the same guy you posted about in your previous threads?  Did you finally have your date that had taken what seemed like forever to schedule?

I think it matters, cause if it were a first meet, he might have assumed he was being ditched.

If it was the same guy as in your previous threads and you've been dating for awhile, no excuse.

Any decent boyfriend or man you've been dating would have tried to see where you were before taking off and leaving you with the bill.

That's the part that irks me the most, that he left you with the entire bill.

I think that is reason enough to not see him again even IF he does reach out again, which is doubtful imo.

A highly interested man would have accepted your apology and texted back.

What you did wasn't that egregious, as you said, between him going to the rest room and then buying drinks, you were gone maybe ten minutes, big whoop.

 

 

Thanks.

Sorry, I was just reading through all the comments. 

No, this is a different man. This was our second date.

As for his possible return call, I'm not holding my breath.

I think I am rather indignant at this point.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I couldn't give a flying fig about paying for the appetizers and tip and the cab ride home.

To me, it's the principle, more than money spent.

But if you're okay with it, that's all that matters.

 

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

As for his possible return call, I'm not holding my breath.

I think I am rather indignant at this point.

I think you should forget about him and move on.  Neither of you are going to have explanations that satisfy the other, I wouldn't waste my time.  

[Uruktopi]

Every one draw their own lines on the sand.

I can only look at this from a personal, cultural and generational biased point of view.

Includding that I´m not used to the somehow "detached" dating style that I read everywhere as being the natural thing. And sorry to say, I neither want to get used to it.

So with the most of my respect for everyone and specially for Alpaca, I´ll tell my mind.

 

First things first, it looks that no one of you both was too enthusiasted with each other. No matter what each one may say about their thoughts and feelings, facts say so.

His reaction (each detail and all of it) was, IMO, not the one I would find manly, or not what would be so in my dating culture. As best, lack of class.

So for both his poor behaviour and (mainly) for the scarce interest he showed, I wouldn´t advice to Alpaca to accept another date with him, if that becomes posible.

But Alpaca, in honor to fairness, your own lack of interest in him (as facts tell) was also beyond evident. Not really because the time you took but why.   

What do I think it would had been a better behaviour from him?

- To find out if you were doing well

- To wait for you the time needed

-  To listen to what happened from you.

- With the actual (what happened) reason known by him, to gently end the date.

- To pay for what he was suposed to according to the cultural uses there.

- To give you a ride home if needed and accepted by you.

- To forget your phone number since then.

 

Again, given your mutual "enthusiasm", no one of you both would or should cry because.

 

Best and best (and best) wishes.

 

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Uruktopi

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

No, this is a different man. This was our second date.

Did you have a good connection on your first meeting? Maybe he was luckywarm about you so he saw this incident as his way out. I feel that a man that was highly interested wouldn't have left like that. 

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Every one draw their own lines on the sand.

I can only look at this from a personal, cultural and generational biased point of view.

Includding that I´m not used to the somehow "detached" dating style that I read everywhere as being the natural thing. And sorry to say, I neither want to get used to it.

So with the most of my respect for everyone and specially for Alpaca, I´ll tell my mind.

 

First things first, it looks that no one of you both was too enthusiasted with each other. No matter what each one may say about their thoughts and feelings, facts say so.

His reaction (each detail and all of it) was, IMO, not the one I would find manly, or not what would be so in my dating culture. As best, lack of class.

So for both his poor behaviour and (mainly) for the scarce interest he showed, I wouldn´t advice to Alpaca to accept another date with him, if that becomes posible.

But Alpaca, in honor to fairness, your own lack of interest in him (as facts tell) was also beyond evident. Not really because the time you took but why.   

What do I think it would had been a better behaviour from him?

- To find out if you were doing well

- To wait for you the time needed

-  To listen to what happened from you.

- With the actual (what happened) reason known by him, to gently end the date.

- To pay for what he was suposed to according to the cultural uses there.

- To give you a ride home if needed and accepted by you.

- To forget your phone number since then.

 

Again, given your mutual "enthusiasm", no one of you both would or should cry because.

 

Best and best (and best) wishes.

 

 

Fair points on both sides.

I don't know, could my taking an extra 10 minutes be construed by him as a lack of interest on my part? Sure, I guess.

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did you have a good connection on your first meeting? Maybe he was luckywarm about you so he saw this incident as his way out. I feel that a man that was highly interested wouldn't have left like that. 

Yes, it felt so... The first date was several hours, good conversation, lots of eye contact. When I went to say goodbye he kept asking me to stay a bit longer. He called afterwards and brought me some cute heart shaped candies on our second date. I brought him a little something too.

I don't know, maybe I had food stuck in my teeth after the appetizers and it grossed him out. 

Trying to wrap my head around it but Jesus.

[Gaeta]

@Alpaca was it a big bill? Had he paid thr drinks he was getting you 2? 

[Uruktopi]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't know, could my taking an extra 10 minutes be construed by him as a lack of interest on my part?

No.

Not ten minutes, not half an hour, not even an hour. Not if for reasons other than those you had.

I appologize for quoting myself.

" - To listen to what happened from you.

 - With the actual (what happened) reason known by him..."

"But Alpaca, in honor to fairness, your own lack of interest in him (as facts tell) was also beyond evident. Not really because the time you took but why. "

 

May be I should make my words more clear.

Your choice, to entertain a talk with other people during your date with him was a valid one, no one can blame you on what you choosed. But it was still your choice and not his.

And as in certain conditions the alternative uses of our time and attention are, wanted it or not, a zero sum game and objectively (beyond intentions) show....something.....

At risk of being myself wrong about, I would say that (in the told conditions) what it showed was a level of attraction not enough to impress too much.

Again, you were not to blame for it. 

But that´s how things may work because of it. 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

Him leaving shows impatience, not a nice character trait. Had he picked you up?  Were you stranded there or you drove there? Was it late?

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I think I am rather indignant at this point.

So by indignant you mean you think you were the mistreated party here?

Leaving your date for 20+ minutes by himself with zero explanation or any thought that he deserved one was incredibly rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate.  Leaving without paying was rude but make no mistake, it was a lesser offense and only a reaction to your initial rudeness.

Edited February 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Alpaca was it a big bill? Had he paid thr drinks he was getting you 2? 

It wasn't really a big bill but between the appetizers and the tip and the cab ride home, heck yes!

Yes, as far as I know, but there weren't any drinks on the table when I came back.

I wonder if it's possible that he thought I said I would meet him at the bar. It was a pretty big place.

Or, for all I know maybe he paid for the bill at the bar before he decided to leave and it somehow got double paid. It was super busy and packed that night so anything is possible.

I just feel like if he was going to truly ditch me he wouldn't have tried calling me a few times while my phone was on vibrate. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

So by indignant you mean you think you were the mistreated party here?

Leaving your date for 20+ minutes by himself with zero explanation or any thought that he deserved one was incredibly rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate.  Leaving without paying was rude but make no mistake, it was a lesser offense and only a reaction to your initial rudeness.

Oh my god. I did not leave him for 20+ minutes. He wasn't sitting at the table by himself.

We both excused ourselves to go to the restroom at the same time and he said he was getting drinks on his way back so that could have taken him 10-15 minutes, not much longer then I was away.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

No.

Not ten minutes, not half an hour, not even an hour. Not if for reasons other than those you had.

I appologize for quoting myself.

" - To listen to what happened from you.

 - With the actual (what happened) reason known by him..."

"But Alpaca, in honor to fairness, your own lack of interest in him (as facts tell) was also beyond evident. Not really because the time you took but why. "

 

May be I should make my words more clear.

Your choice, to entertain a talk with other people during your date with him was a valid one, no one can blame you on what you choosed. But it was still your choice and not his.

And as in certain conditions the alternative uses of our time and attention are, wanted it or not, a zero sum game and objectively (beyond intentions) show....something.....

At risk of being myself wrong about, I would say that (in the told conditions) what it showed was a level of attraction not enough to impress too much.

Again, you were not to blame for it. 

But that´s how things may work because of it. 

 

 

 

 

Okay.

I understand what you're saying.

When I should have been prioritizing my date, I prioritized this woman by talking to her initially and trying to console her when she started crying.

But the thing is, I don't typically get a rush of high initial attraction for another person until after a few dates. Yes, I can tell if I like someone initially and have that strong desire to see him again. I'm just not always totally relaxed in the first few dates.

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Him leaving shows impatience, not a nice character trait. Had he picked you up?  Were you stranded there or you drove there? Was it late?

No, I mentioned ahead of time to him that I would be taking a cab and would meet him there.

Hmm, it was still sort of early, around 9pm'ish?

[Uruktopi]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

But the thing is, I don't typically get a rush of high initial attraction for another person until after a few dates. Yes, I can tell if I like someone initially and have that strong desire to see him again. I'm just not always totally relaxed in the first few dates.

Once more, I have no objections (and I shouldn´t) to your reasons to do what in fact you did.

To be compassionate with a troubled woman. Neither to your emotional timming. Both of them yours, inner, individual.

But please, take a tentative look at it from a frequently useful third person view. It´s not a bad practice to understand why (as causes instead of "reasons") things work in a certain way with authonomy of our thoughts.

We all send implicit messages to others, when wanted and so if not.

May be he missundertood what your behaviour factually communicated to him, I don´t know.

But sometimes, just sometimes, things MAY look like "tests".

Is perhaps the way a man sort those tests what "after a few dates" would make you feel more relaxed?

I´m not at all talking at all about your intentions. And (once more) I am probably wrong.

But having a glimpse on how things in fact work may be helpful.

[Uruktopi]

35 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

And ... well ... this is my first exposure to the concept that I might be considered somehow responsible for what happens to a woman in the ladies' room.  Never too old to learn.

Responsible? Not really

Perhaps sometimes worried if you care? 

No, perhaps not too old.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Your date probably thought you ditched him. He thought you were avoiding his phone calls so he left. He doesn't know you so he assumes the worst about you as he probably has gone on enough dates where the other person ghosted him later on or flaked on him. 

You already called him and apologized. I would have given you the benefit of the doubt. If I went out on a date with someone that I had thought ditched me, I wouldn't expect them to call me back at all. If they called me back with an explanation, I would chalk it up to a misunderstanding and I would give her a second chance. 

[Lisa]

This thread has had private conversations of a speculative nature and debates among posters removed.   It's great to see so many people involved in the conversation, however we ask that you show respect to other posters by not disagreeing or debating their view and let @Alpaca address the comments herself.  

Edited February 15, 2022 by Lisa

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Your date probably thought you ditched him. He thought you were avoiding his phone calls so he left. He doesn't know you so he assumes the worst about you as he probably has gone on enough dates where the other person ghosted him later on or flaked on him. 

You already called him and apologized. I would have given you the benefit of the doubt. If I went out on a date with someone that I had thought ditched me, I wouldn't expect them to call me back at all. If they called me back with an explanation, I would chalk it up to a misunderstanding and I would give her a second chance. 

Thanks!

Yes, I understand that "if" he had been on a lot of dates where the other person ghosted or flaked on him then he might think that of me too. He doesn't know me from Adam so I guess I can't really fault him for that "if" that's how he felt.

I tried sitting for 10 minutes just now to see what it felt like and I guess it does seem kind of long.

We had a really good first date and we met through Yoga class (yes, he does Yoga, lol) so I certainly don't want there to be any hard feelings because I don't want him thinking I ditched him but also in case I run into him again.

I think I'll just continue focusing on my studies and work and stuff.

If he calls back, great, if not, just not in the cards.

 

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I tried sitting for 10 minutes just now to see what it felt like and I guess it does seem kind of long. 

Sitting for ten minutes doing nothing seems long but he was at the bar getting drinks, there were others to socialize with, music to listen to, so it's a bit different.

I think you're being too hard on yourself Alpaca. 

A confident, reasonable person would not have assumed they were being ditched and left, sticking you with the entire tab after only 10-15 minutes.

I might understand 45 minutes or an hour, but gosh 10 minutes?  I have waited that long for a stall to open up when at a crowded club or restaurant.

Combined with a refresh of lipstick, it could easily be 10-15 or even longer. 

This guy sounds incredible insecure and needy; personally I think you dodged a bullet.

Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields