My Date Ditched Me! What Can I do?

[Alpacalia]

Need some help navigating this...

On my date the other night, I had an "unusual" experience.

I was returning to my table from the restroom and a woman approached me. She seemed friendly and outgoing so I chatted with her for a bit, but then she went on to ask me a slew of questions. I'm pretty bubbly when people approach me in social settings so I thought she was just being friendly and was chatting with back and forth, but when I excused myself to return to my date, she kind of blocked my path and got really up close and personal, so I tried to go around her. Then it gets weird... She started to cry! 

I asked if everything was okay?

At this point, I was starting to feel a wee bit uneasy with her, but I was also trying to be nice because I had no bleeping idea what the hell was going on and felt bad that she seemed upset.

Her husband had asked that she approach me to see if I would be interested in participating in a "group activity," (to put it mildly...).

Now I'm thinking "WTH@!?" I said that I was not interested in getting jiggy with her and her husband, but she insisted that she didn't want to approach me in the first place, but that her husband was pressuring her to do so.

I talked to her for about ten minutes before she revealed why she approached me, and I talked to her for several minutes after she started crying because I didn't want to just leave her there crying.

When I returned to my date's table, he was no longer there. I took out my phone to call him, and I also noticed that he had called me several times while I was on vibrate.

In one sense, I'm disappointed that he left, but on the other hand, I took longer than expected and he attempted to contact me. I'm also perplexed as to why he didn't just come looking for me. How disappointed would you be if your date just left you there?

Then the following day my sister texted me to say she was at a Superbowl party and that one of her male friends (who she describes as a "really good guy,") had seen my Facebook profile and was "in love with me." I had the impression they were all a little tipsy, and I thought that was a little excessive, but she wanted to know if he could contact me. Because I was in the middle of studying for school, I told her I'd let her know. I'm still upset about my date.

Is it preferable to wait for my date to call me back? I'd like to apologize for taking so long to return from the restroom and explain what happened.

Another thing that I am concerned with is that my sister has basically been estranged for several months and I’ve only heard from her once in a blue moon after having tried many times to connect with her. She’s in the process of divorce and has been pretty much been in what looks to be “party mode” so I’m not too sure her judgment is all the best at this point. Like is she just going around showing random men at parties my Facebook profile? She did say he's a "really good guy" but I'm thinking "hmmm....if he's such a great guy why aren't YOU going out with him!" 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Alpaca

[Uruktopi]

31 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

32 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I talked to her for about ten minutes...

...and I talked to her for several minutes

I took longer than expected and he attempted to contact me.

 

 

Just to have a beter understanding of the situation and aside his less than ... courteous reaction to it......

Would you mind to tell us how much time as a whole took your absence and lack of news to him? 

[chillii]

He thought you just left him there so ask him how disappointed would you be. You would've been probably15mins at least, he would've thought you did a runner so he's not going looking for ya. Why didn't you just text him later to explain what happened .

The sister, good luck with that, sounds like an avoidable .

Edited February 14, 2022 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Just to have a beter understanding of the situation and aside his less than ... courteous reaction to it......

Would you mind to tell us how much time as a whole took your absence and lack of news to him? 

Thanks, Uruktopi!

I think between the restroom and the incident with the woman it took about maybe 15-20 minutes total? (maybe a bit longer I can't be 100% sure)

In saying this, my date also explained that he had to go to the toilet. As it was a really busy night, and the wait at the table was rather long, he said he was just going to grab some cocktails for us at the bar on his way back (so I figured it would take him a little bit of time to do it himself).

Edited February 14, 2022 by Alpaca

[Happy Lemming]

I do think it was rude of you to take an inordinate amount of time coming back from the bathroom.  The guy did try to call your phone (several times).  I probably would have done the same thing he did, thinking you had found a way to sneak out of the restaurant and left me hanging.

The woman that approached you was a complete stranger, you had no duty to console her or help her.  She wasn't stuck on the side of a road or in any danger.  She was at a bar/restaurant and if she needed assistance there are managers in the place to provide that assistance.  If she blocked your way, turn around and go a different route back to your date. 

53 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

How disappointed would you be if your date just left you there?

That is exactly what he thought you did to him.  You left for a long time and didn't pick up your phone when he called it.

As for your sister, it appears she is trying to re-capture some of her youth.  Perhaps the whole divorce process has been burdensome and she wants to let off a little steam.  I do think the "Party Mode" will pass, but for now leave her to enjoy herself and continue on with your studies.

[glows]

I would not wait for the date to respond. He left and it was his prerogative to do so. You didn’t seem to think about him while you were caught up in the dialogue with the woman or couple’s request. So pass. This was of no real interest. It’s just too bad that the night ended the way it did. 

There seems to be some tension between your sister and you and you keep referencing her divorce as if it’s a bone to pick with or something you can’t accept. I’d make peace with that and stop picking at her about her divorce or finding reasons to resent her. If she made an offer to introduce you to someone and you don’t like her taste decline politely and mention you’re busy with studies. 

Carry on and meet other men and dates. Good of you to put yourself out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

You took way too long returning to your table, OP. 

Next time, have some consideration for the person you're on a date with, and not some random woman who approaches you out of nowhere. Politely excuse yourself and return to your date. 

[Shining One]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

When I returned to my date's table, he was no longer there. I took out my phone to call him, and I also noticed that he had called me several times while I was on vibrate.

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Is it preferable to wait for my date to call me back? I'd like to apologize for taking so long to return from the restroom and explain what happened.

Did you return these calls or communicate with him in any way since the incident? If not, the ball is in your court since the last communication attempts were made by him.

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

 I'm also perplexed as to why he didn't just come looking for me. How disappointed would you be if your date just left you there?

Was he supposed to barge into the ladies room? Or go around the restaurant publicly asking if anyone has seen his date? "Going to the bathroom" is a somewhat common escape tactic on dates, so he  probably just figured he was on the receiving end of it.

[smackie9]

ummm ya, you never answered his text messages....so of course he's gonna think you ditched him. I would have gotten up and left too. Why embarrass oneself going looking. Not communicating, and making your date wait with no explanation was kinda rude. That guy ain't gonna believe your story. 

As for your sister, ignore her. She's just baiting you to come back around. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Thanks, Uruktopi!

I think between the restroom and the incident with the woman it took about maybe 15-20 minutes total? (maybe a bit longer I can't be 100% sure)

In saying this, my date also explained that he had to go to the toilet. As it was a really busy night, and the wait at the table was rather long, he said he was just going to grab some cocktails for us at the bar on his way back (so I figured it would take him a little bit of time to do it himself).

So, let me think (I'm not in my best century at the time being).....

His waiting time was.......what ladies take to spend in the restroom (a mayor mistery for us but not at all an unexpected one) plus, let´s say, another half an hour?

IMO, nothing that should push him to leave just because. Specially from a gentleman to a lady and in a date, I dare to say.

I´m only being speculative.......

May be he had some bad experience (a quite bad one) when the woman "dissapears" and don´t answer his calls?

In my personal view, he failed to have the waiting gentle patience that is expected from a man (at least in my "neiborhood").

But and sorry to tell you, the episode looks (only looks) like he was not too much in your mind.

Best best wishes!

[introverted1]

It's on you to reach out to your date and apologise. He likely thought you had bailed on him, after you disappeared for so long and failed to answer your phone.

I am at a loss to understand why you spent so much time with a woman who was ostensibly chatting you up for a threesome you say you didn't want...  especially when you knew your date was waiting for you to return to the table.  Is there more to this story than you've already shared?

[Alpacalia]

Alright, I get it, it's my fault.

I went to the restroom while he went to the men's room and grabbed drinks at the bar on his way back. He said he he was going to the men's room and grabbing drinks from the bar on the way back, so I honestly thought I wasn't spending much extra time.

The woman seemed like she was making friendly small talk at first. I had no idea that it would end up being so drawn out with her questions and then her crying in front of me. It was also impossible to turn around and go the other way since there was only one way out of the bathroom.

Yes, I should have texted him when all this was happening. It would have been more appropriate not to speak to the woman at all and just returned straight to my table after I left the restroom. @smackie9I had my phone on vibrate, I did NOT KNOW he was calling me when this was happening.

@glowsMy sister and I have tension, of course.

In the past months, we have not heard from her and have been sick with worry with everything that's been going on. When she finally contacts me, it is about something so unrelated. If I were in normal circumstances, I would be delighted. My parents miss her and are deeply affected by her absence. Her daughters are in the middle of their parents' divorce and, when I talk to them, I can tell that they are struggling with their mother constantly being away, so it's quite a sensitive topic.

@Shining OneI went back to my table and waited for a bit first because I thought maybe either he was still in the restroom himself or that he was still at bar getting drinks. I then went over to the bar and near the men's restroom but I didn't see him. So I went back to my table and that's when I called him and saw that he had tried calling me.

 

 

[mark clemson]

IMO the only thing you did wrong was take too long to circle back to your date and explain what was going on. However, unless I'm mistaken this is early on -  and so in his mind you "failed the job interview".

You can try explaining to the date what happened, but honestly I wouldn't keep any high hopes of a 2nd date or of this becoming more than a fling even if he does agree on one. There are apparently lots of dysfunctional adults out there and (unfairly to you) he has almost certainly put you in that bucket now. So the probability that he will see you as LTR material has almost certainly dropped substantially. His walking off sent a message that he feels you're not trustworthy and/or worthy of his time.

Fairly or not, I'd say the better bet at this point would be onward to a new prospect, unfortunately. One never knows, so take a shot if you must, but that is where I'd be putting my money.

Edited February 14, 2022 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

 It was also impossible to turn around and go the other way since there was only one way out of the bathroom.
 

Then you say "Excuse me, I need to get by." and attempt to push past this woman.  If she still wouldn't move, you call out for help from the management or other staff.

You have free will and the right to exit the bathroom without being impeded by others.

You made the decision to stay and talk to this woman and by doing this you completely ignored your date.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

one of her male friends (who she describes as a "really good guy,") had seen my Facebook profile and was "in love with me." I had the impression they were all a little tipsy, and I thought that was a little excessive, but she wanted to know if he could contact me.

Emotionally healthy people don't fall in love with a FB profile. Contact your sister if you like, but I wouldn't be pinning any high hopes on this guy either, beyond what you might expect from a Tinder date. I suspect you can do better.

"They say you gotta kiss a lotta frogs..." 

Edited February 14, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

So, let me think (I'm not in my best century at the time being).....

His waiting time was.......what ladies take to spend in the restroom (a mayor mistery for us but not at all an unexpected one) plus, let´s say, another half an hour?

IMO, nothing that should push him to leave just because. Specially from a gentleman to a lady and in a date, I dare to say.

I´m only being speculative.......

May be he had some bad experience (a quite bad one) when the woman "dissapears" and don´t answer his calls?

In my personal view, he failed to have the waiting gentle patience that is expected from a man (at least in my "neiborhood").

But and sorry to tell you, the episode looks (only looks) like he was not too much in your mind.

Best best wishes!

Thanks.

No, lol. I was only in the bathroom for a few minutes. 

Well, I did try looking for him and waited myself for a bit at the table then tried calling him but I guess it was too little too late. I cabbed it back to my house and paid for the appetizers so all in all I suppose I had it coming. I certainly didn't want him to feel that I just up and left but I don't think that matters much at this point.  I did leave him a voicemail though. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I did leave him a voicemail though.

Did you apologize in your voice mail and explain what happened? 

If so, then it's on him to reach out.

If you did not apologize, then you might try one more time; if you receive his VM again, apologize and explain OR you could also send a text doing same.

This is assuming you really like him and want to see him again. 

In my experience, when a man is very attracted he will accept your apology (and explanation) and want to see you again. 

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Emotionally healthy people don't fall in love with a FB profile.

I'm wagering that's a bit of hyperbole on the sister's part rather than the man's exact words.

[Shining One]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I did leave him a voicemail though. 

In this case, the ball is in his court.

Thinking about this... if a woman seemingly ditched me on a date and offered the explanation you've provided in this thread, I'd probably have a hard time believing her. I might give it another date, but she'd have to put the effort into making it happen.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Then you say "Excuse me, I need to get by." and attempt to push past this woman.  If she still wouldn't move, you call out for help from the management or other staff.

You have free will and the right to exit the bathroom without being impeded by others.

You made the decision to stay and talk to this woman and by doing this you completely ignored your date.

Yes, you're right HL.

It didn't matter what she said in passing at first, but then it turned into questions, then her proposition, then her crying the whole thing threw me off but I should have taken my date's time more seriously than this random person.

[NuevoYorko]

If my date went to the restroom and was still gone 20 minutes later, I would definitely not have remained.    

Why did you  not simply say "excuse me" and walk past this stranger?  Honestly,  it was very rude of you to leave someone sitting there while you participated in odd drama with a stranger; whether it was a co-worker, your mom or a girlfriend wouldn't have made much of a difference.

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

If my date went to the restroom and was still gone 20 minutes later, I would definitely not have remained.    

Why you did not say "excuse me" and walk past this stranger?  Honestly,  it was very rude of you to leave someone sitting there while you participated in odd drama with a stranger; whether it was a co-worker, your mom or a girlfriend wouldn't have made much of a difference.

 

He wasn't sitting at the table!

He and I both said we were going to go for a restroom break and that he would be going to bar to get drinks and that we would meet back at the table. 

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Did you apologize in your voice mail and explain what happened? 

If so, then it's on him to reach out.

If you did not apologize, then you might try one more time; if you receive his VM again, apologize and explain OR you could also send a text doing same.

This is assuming you really like him and want to see him again. 

In my experience, when a man is very attracted he will accept your apology (and explanation) and want to see you again. 

 

Yes, I did.

I even said in my voicemail that I would treat him to coffee or something and that I would make sure not to go to the restroom even if I had to tinkle on myself.

[poppyfields]

It was a mistake, poor judgment, Alpaca has acknowledged that, lesson learned. 

How to fix it is what's relevant now, see my previous post, which is what I would do. 

Good luck. 

[SingFish]

36 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Thanks.

No, lol. I was only in the bathroom for a few minutes. 

Well, I did try looking for him and waited myself for a bit at the table then tried calling him but I guess it was too little too late. I cabbed it back to my house and paid for the appetizers so all in all I suppose I had it coming. I certainly didn't want him to feel that I just up and left but I don't think that matters much at this point.  I did leave him a voicemail though. 

Put it all down to experience. You were trying to be nice and it backfired, it happens.

There are so many people exhibiting symptoms of poor mental health these days I expect it will happen a lot more once we're all off Covid social restrictions...just be prepared next time to be kind but firm. 

[Gaeta]

Was this a 1st meeting?