Boyfriend called teen daughter ugly in retaliation

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Fortress said:

, he isn’t abusive.. I can’t have him near my children ever again. 

Actually, he's verbally abusive to your children and that should be an instant deal breaker.

[bene]

Come on, it wasn’t lighthearted banter, he just lashed out. If he wants respect, he’s not going to teach it by acting like a teenager himself. He doesn’t seem like a nice person in general.

And something about a grown man rating a teenage girl’s appearance rubs me the wrong way. Why even think of a kid in these terms?
 

[Interstellar]

he was bullied all through his life and when your daughter said that putdown it triggered him.  he has issues and needs to see a professional. you’re gonna have to simply walk out of this. tell him you never want to see him again but he has unlimited potential to change and become something greater than he allows himself to be but he needs to work on himself and his issues. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Interstellar

[balletomane]

OP, your last boyfriend was passive-aggressive and so you've "upgraded" to plain old aggressive, as though this is a better deal? Your last boyfriend was a womanizer and so you see a man who frequently uses derogatory insulting language about women as an improvement? They're both awful in different ways. It's irrelevant that dating pickings are slim. If you're prepared to settle for this treatment on the basis that you may not find anyone else, the message you're sending to your daughter is that keeping a man is much more important than being respected and comfortable in your own home. Is that the lesson you want her to learn from you?

[smackie9]

sorry to say this but your BF is a bad character..... you having to lecture him on proper etiquette when dealing with situations repeatedly has done nothing to solve this issue. Nothing is going to change with him, but you sure can change BFs. 

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, Fortress said:

...

He also deflects blame and says other people, including me, cause him to react a certain way e.g. if you didn’t say that, then I wouldn’t have done that. He rarely accepts blame or looks to see what he may have done wrong. 
 

I want to put my kids before him but is there even a possibility of  improving him or will he never change and I should cut my losses? 

His response is utter BS and what an abuser says.  Clearly he will not change because he doesn't think he has a problem.

Even if someone I am seeign has legitimate problems with me, to bring my kids into it, to say hurtful thing about them is basically evil in my mind as they are hurting innocents to get something they want (revenge against me).   

As this type of person can also be violent (because they have got themselves so self righteous about how wronged they are), be safe and careful when braking it off.  I frankly wouldn't explain as they will just make excuses, and give a false apology and be back to the same behavior soon enough.   In my mind it's better to say we are not compatible, don't know what I want, etc.  Perhaps call an abused women's hotline on how to disengage.  I realize you may not be being physically abused...but telling people like how you describe him a hard no is often how it starts.

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Fortress said:

  He also uses derogatory names for different races and feels the need to make note of their race when telling a story.  He is high strung and loses his cool over nothing

Needless to say, my bf is intolerant and inflexible in his thinking. He also deflects blame and says other people, including me, cause him to react a certain way e.g. if you didn’t say that, then I wouldn’t have done that. He rarely accepts blame or looks to see what he may have done wrong. 
 

 is there even a possibility of  improving him or will he never change and I should cut my losses? 

IMO you should bail. The bolded bit above would have me out of there long ago. It's not one incident but the whole picture that's problematic here. You should be on the lookout for negative behavior "retaliation" from him if/when you break up.

Yes, it's possible to change people because they slowly change over time anyhow. However, this takes years of subtle and consistent effort and importantly there is no guarantee of success even if you do it "well". Some people shift their ingrained belief systems and approaches to conflict resolution over time and some do not. Therefore IMO you are much better off not trying to throw good money after bad when a person is this far off. The longer you stay the more susceptible you become to the sunken costs fallacy.

[ShyViolet]

How is this even a question?  This man sounds pathetic.  The minute a man emotionally abuses your child, that should be an instant deal-breaker.  I can't believe you didn't break up with him on the spot.  Don't waste any more time with this terrible person.

[notbroken]

I would not risk him belittling my daughter again.  Sorry - but your kid has to come first.  If this was a one time thing and he is normally "Mr Cool" you could talk to him, he could apologize, and you could all move on.   However, this sounds like 'who he is'.   I personally wouldn't give him another chance to harm my 16 year old.  Good luck. 

[Fortress]

6 hours ago, Interstellar said:

he was bullied all through his life and when your daughter said that putdown it triggered him.  he has issues and needs to see a professional. you’re gonna have to simply walk out of this. tell him you never want to see him again but he has unlimited potential to change and become something greater than he allows himself to be but he needs to work on himself and his issues. 

Yes, he gets triggered like this all the time.  Besides the bullying he got when he was growing up, he also always felt his exwife thought he was "stupid". Its tiring.

[Fortress]

5 hours ago, balletomane said:

OP, your last boyfriend was passive-aggressive and so you've "upgraded" to plain old aggressive, as though this is a better deal? Your last boyfriend was a womanizer and so you see a man who frequently uses derogatory insulting language about women as an improvement? They're both awful in different ways. It's irrelevant that dating pickings are slim. If you're prepared to settle for this treatment on the basis that you may not find anyone else, the message you're sending to your daughter is that keeping a man is much more important than being respected and comfortable in your own home. Is that the lesson you want her to learn from you?

These are very good points.  Thanks for bringing this perspective.  It's not any better and being respected and comfortable in our own home is more important. 

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, Fortress said:

I want to put my kids before him

Put a period behind that sentence and that's your answer. Period. There is NO WAY I would have even continued the day in the presence of that man. Get him out of your children's lives.

[Fortress]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

His response is utter BS and what an abuser says.  Clearly he will not change because he doesn't think he has a problem.

Even if someone I am seeign has legitimate problems with me, to bring my kids into it, to say hurtful thing about them is basically evil in my mind as they are hurting innocents to get something they want (revenge against me).   

As this type of person can also be violent (because they have got themselves so self righteous about how wronged they are), be safe and careful when braking it off.  I frankly wouldn't explain as they will just make excuses, and give a false apology and be back to the same behavior soon enough.   In my mind it's better to say we are not compatible, don't know what I want, etc.  Perhaps call an abused women's hotline on how to disengage.  I realize you may not be being physically abused...but telling people like how you describe him a hard no is often how it starts.

Yes 100% he doesn't think he has a problem and is self righteous.  His ego and self esteem is so fragile that he can never admit he was wrong.  There is no point in making any attempts at all to help him improve -- it would be pointless. And yes, he will make up excuses if is say reasons why I am ending it. 

[Fortress]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

IMO you should bail. The bolded bit above would have me out of there long ago. It's not one incident but the whole picture that's problematic here. You should be on the lookout for negative behavior "retaliation" from him if/when you break up.

Yes, it's possible to change people because they slowly change over time anyhow. However, this takes years of subtle and consistent effort and importantly there is no guarantee of success even if you do it "well". Some people shift their ingrained belief systems and approaches to conflict resolution over time and some do not. Therefore IMO you are much better off not trying to throw good money after bad when a person is this far off. The longer you stay the more susceptible you become to the sunken costs fallacy.

So true about the sunken costs fallacy.  I also get bad PMS and was wondering if it was harmones speaking before when I was bothered by some of his behaviour.  I waited out several months to see how I feel when I'm not PMS'g.  And this is the 3rd time he's pulled something like this with the kids even after I'd spoken to him. I don't trust him to change or hold himself together. 

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, Fortress said:

Yes 100% he doesn't think he has a problem and is self righteous.  His ego and self esteem is so fragile that he can never admit he was wrong.  There is no point in making any attempts at all to help him improve -- it would be pointless. And yes, he will make up excuses if is say reasons why I am ending it. 

You don't need to provide any excuses for him. I spent a total of 38 years of my life with two men who had fragile egos and would never admit fault. Trust me, that reason alone is enough for you to break it off, and since he wouldn't accept your reason anyway, there's no need for you to try to explain. 

[Fortress]

1 hour ago, notbroken said:

I would not risk him belittling my daughter again.  Sorry - but your kid has to come first.  If this was a one time thing and he is normally "Mr Cool" you could talk to him, he could apologize, and you could all move on.   However, this sounds like 'who he is'.   I personally wouldn't give him another chance to harm my 16 year old.  Good luck. 

Thanks, yes that's what I thought the first time 4 years ago. This is the third time after speaking with him the first two times. Its the last straw especially combined with his other behaviours which also includes whistling at us and others to get their attention. Totally disrespectful.  Done with this nonsense of a man.

Edited February 14, 2022 by Fortress

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Fortress said:

he will make up excuses if is say reasons why I am ending it. 

You don't have to give reasons. In fact arguing with someone like this is pointless. Just tell him you're not compatible. That's it. 

[Fortress]

21 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Put a period behind that sentence and that's your answer. Period. There is NO WAY I would have even continued the day in the presence of that man. Get him out of your children's lives.

I distanced myself from him the rest of the day.  It was tough.  Very upsetting.  He really has no respect for anyone and is self serving to keep his ego and self esteem in tact.  He always talks at me, one sided conversations, about facts he knows, gossip and vitriol.  Has never once ever been curious about me or my life. Asks about my day and listens.  But when I start talking about facts, experiences, or my interests he tunes out soon after.  He hates word games because he is partially dyslexic and it makes him feel bad about himself -- clearly projects this insecurity by being ableist.  He projects how he feels about himself on others -- its maddening.  He has so many issues that requires therapy that he doesn't even realize.  But to him therapy is creating a problem you don't have, and it would affect his self esteem and ego.  he will never go.  His therapy is to always keeps busy or he will start to feel his depression.  He is depressed because his self image, worldview and thoughts are warped.  And my kids and I are done dealing with it.  Argh. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Fortress

[Fortress]

25 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You don't need to provide any excuses for him. I spent a total of 38 years of my life with two men who had fragile egos and would never admit fault. Trust me, that reason alone is enough for you to break it off, and since he wouldn't accept your reason anyway, there's no need for you to try to explain. 

100% agree

[Fortress]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to give reasons. In fact arguing with someone like this is pointless. Just tell him you're not compatible. That's it. 

Agree, will do that.  Would like to tell him his disrespect was a key contributer but he doesn't ever see how he is disrespectful and usually says the person deserved it -- so ridiculous. 

[basil67]

Good on you for having the self containment to not give a reason.  In your shoes, I'd be hard pressed not to tell him that he's this, that and the other (insert insults of choice)

Anyway, I'm so glad to hear that you're going to ditch him.  

[Noproblem]

Yes end it as soon as possible and make sure he doesn't hurt you or your kids over this.

He seems like a menace, so be careful, change locks, passwords, etc before breaking up with him!

If he gets violent or threatens you, don't hesitate for a second to call the police!

[JRabbit]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 PM, Fortress said:

He also uses derogatory names for different races and feels the need to make note of their race when telling a story.  

Leave. This is everything you need to know right here. Don't stay with a racist, please.

[spiderowl]

On 2/14/2022 at 1:44 AM, Fortress said:

Me (48F) and my boyfriend (43M) have been dating and living separately for 6 yrs. We recently went on a weekend getaway with our children  (his 11DD, and my 14, 16 and 18DDs). We were walking in the city trying to find a store and he misdirected us. My 16dd got upset and said “so stupid”. I was about to call her out on that and ask her to apologize to my bf, but before I could, my bf lost his temper and said, “we’ll your ugly and can’t fix that”. I then called him out and he said he was serious. Immediately told him that he should never say these things ever and that he is the adult here. He said he wanted her to be respectful. I told him that, that is what he should of said instead. I told him what he said was very hurtful and immature. I talked to my daughter soon after in private and she said she wasn’t bothered by it but I think it still sits with her as she struggles with body image.
 

My bf was bullied in school and by his father. I think he has grown to be a bully too in many respects and sometimes doesn’t deal with his emotions maturely. 
 

I am ready to break up with him for this. I cannot let it go, plus his other behaviours. He was upset with her and my 14dd on a previous family trip for not waiting for us on a walk and told them to “F off them”. And another time my 14dd stepped on his shoes while walking by accident and he was upset and threatened by it.  I spoke to him about his reactions to both those incidents. I told him that his reactions are unacceptable and told him not to do that again. 
 

Also, generally, he uses disparaging names for women he doesn’t like or have slighted him e.g. his boss. And when talking about his friends’ troubled teenagers.  He also uses derogatory names for different races and feels the need to make note of their race when telling a story.  He is high strung and loses his cool over nothing. My neighbour had a brain injury and when he clear my driveway of snow, he throws it on our cars not realizing it’s better if thrown on the lawn. And my bf was upset over it and hates my neighbour. Needless to say, my bf is intolerant and inflexible in his thinking. 
 

He also deflects blame and says other people, including me, cause him to react a certain way e.g. if you didn’t say that, then I wouldn’t have done that. He rarely accepts blame or looks to see what he may have done wrong. 
 

I want to put my kids before him but is there even a possibility of  improving him or will he never change and I should cut my losses? 

He doesn’t sound very nice. As he doesn’t seem to take any responsibility for his unkind and immature behaviour, I think you would be wise to ditch him.

[Fortress]

12 hours ago, spiderowl said:

He doesn’t sound very nice. As he doesn’t seem to take any responsibility for his unkind and immature behaviour, I think you would be wise to ditch him.

Thank you for your reply.