Boyfriend called teen daughter ugly in retaliation

[Fortress]

Me (48F) and my boyfriend (43M) have been dating and living separately for 6 yrs. We recently went on a weekend getaway with our children  (his 11DD, and my 14, 16 and 18DDs). We were walking in the city trying to find a store and he misdirected us. My 16dd got upset and said “so stupid”. I was about to call her out on that and ask her to apologize to my bf, but before I could, my bf lost his temper and said, “we’ll your ugly and can’t fix that”. I then called him out and he said he was serious. Immediately told him that he should never say these things ever and that he is the adult here. He said he wanted her to be respectful. I told him that, that is what he should of said instead. I told him what he said was very hurtful and immature. I talked to my daughter soon after in private and she said she wasn’t bothered by it but I think it still sits with her as she struggles with body image.
 

My bf was bullied in school and by his father. I think he has grown to be a bully too in many respects and sometimes doesn’t deal with his emotions maturely. 
 

I am ready to break up with him for this. I cannot let it go, plus his other behaviours. He was upset with her and my 14dd on a previous family trip for not waiting for us on a walk and told them to “F off them”. And another time my 14dd stepped on his shoes while walking by accident and he was upset and threatened by it.  I spoke to him about his reactions to both those incidents. I told him that his reactions are unacceptable and told him not to do that again. 
 

Also, generally, he uses disparaging names for women he doesn’t like or have slighted him e.g. his boss. And when talking about his friends’ troubled teenagers.  He also uses derogatory names for different races and feels the need to make note of their race when telling a story.  He is high strung and loses his cool over nothing. My neighbour had a brain injury and when he clear my driveway of snow, he throws it on our cars not realizing it’s better if thrown on the lawn. And my bf was upset over it and hates my neighbour. Needless to say, my bf is intolerant and inflexible in his thinking. 
 

He also deflects blame and says other people, including me, cause him to react a certain way e.g. if you didn’t say that, then I wouldn’t have done that. He rarely accepts blame or looks to see what he may have done wrong. 
 

I want to put my kids before him but is there even a possibility of  improving him or will he never change and I should cut my losses? 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Fortress

[ccas93]

just him calling your daughter ugly is plenty enough reason to break up with him IMO, but then you go on to list a myriad of horrendous qualities and behaviors. There's a million ways he could have handled what your daughter said, and what he did say was incredibly juvenile and straight up wrong. How did you make it through 6 years of dating him?? why do you think there's even a possibility he might change, esp at 43? End it with this a**hole.

[Fortress]

4 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

just him calling your daughter ugly is plenty enough reason to break up with him IMO, but then you go on to list a myriad of horrendous qualities and behaviors. There's a million ways he could have handled what your daughter said, and what he did say was incredibly juvenile and straight up wrong. How did you make it through 6 years of dating him?? why do you think there's even a possibility he might change, esp at 43? End it with this a**hole.

Thanks for validating what I’m already thinking. He has some good qualities that kept it going for 6 yrs. He’s not passive aggressive (past two relationships were like that), he doesn’t hold grudges, he isn’t a womanizer, he isn’t abusive, committed and makes time for us.  But I’m at the end of the road. I can’t have him near my children ever again. Rather be alone than deal with his tantrums another day. 

[jspice]

You can’t keep someone around because they’re “not my previous partner”.

Not being a womaniser and/or abusive are basics. You don’t get extra points for that. 

[RatherMeh]

I just see this as banter. It reminds me of a clash between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock. Churchill was intoxicated, and Braddock told him he was drunk. Churchill responded "I may be drunk, but you're ugly. However, in the morning I'll be sober!".  

It's just banter. It's a bit of an over-reaction to end a relationship over it, isn't it? And besides, your daughter was rude for calling him stupid. He made a mistake. Why should he be called stupid for that? Maybe she needs to learn some manners. Has she never made a mistake?

It's a nothingburger. Let it go. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by RatherMeh

[Fortress]

6 minutes ago, RatherMeh said:

I just see this as banter. It reminds me of a clash between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock. Churchill was intoxicated, and Braddock told him he was drunk. Churchill responded "I may be drunk, but you're ugly. However, in the morning I'll be sober!".  

It's just banter. It's a bit of an over-reaction to end a relationship over it, isn't it? And besides, your daughter was rude for calling him stupid. He made a mistake. Why should he be called stupid for that? Maybe she needs to learn some manners. Has she never made a mistake?

It's a nothingburger. Let it go. 

Actually, it’s funny you raise that point. He is actually from the UK and we are from Canada. I have never understood this banter with his UK friends and  family. I always find it hurtful. Cultural disconnect. When I asked if he was joking, he said he wasn’t and was very serious and never once explained he was just bantering. He was also visibly upset. While I agree that dd should 100% be respectful, he’s the adult and should act as such. 

[RatherMeh]

2 minutes ago, Fortress said:

Actually, it’s funny you raise that point. He is actually from the UK and we are from Canada. I have never understood this banter with his UK friends and  family. I always find it hurtful. Cultural disconnect. When I asked if he was joking, he said he wasn’t and was very serious and never once explained he was just bantering. He was also visibly upset. While I agree that dd should 100% be respectful, he’s the adult and should act as such. 

So does your boyfriend, hence his retort. Your daughter's learnt a very valuable lesson: that she can't go around saying what she wants and not expect the same in return. That's how the world works. Next time she might hold her tongue, which would be the respectful thing to do. 

 

 

[Tullyseptember]

It is not ok to call children or anyone names.  Yes your daughter shouldn't have said he was stupid but your boyfriend was wrong to call her ugly.  I don't see how this is a valuable lesson at all...other than an adult behaving badly.

[Pumpernickel]

Ha, my best friend's ex-fiancé constantly did this. Her daughter (= my goddaughter) is 13 and he  put her down quite often. Not necessarily for being ugly, but for being not athletic enough, for quitting certain sports, for saying/doing the wrong things in a restaurant, for being “slow”, clumsy etc., and he did it quite passive-aggressively. Sometimes directly. The R didn’t last. It wasn’t doable, because even though she loved him, that one thing broke her. I think he was jealous of the child, because it wasn’t his, and because of that, he felt insecure because my friend & her daughter are really close. Good mother-daughter-R all around. He couldn’t deal with it. I think he felt like the 3rd wheel and took it out on the child. What it did to my friend was that it eroded her love for him.  BFs who keep doing this, will chip away at the love they have with their women …… no woman will put of with this for too long. 

[Fortress]

12 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said:

It is not ok to call children or anyone names.  Yes your daughter shouldn't have said he was stupid but your boyfriend was wrong to call her ugly.  I don't see how this is a valuable lesson at all...other than an adult behaving badly.

I agree. He should of been mature about it and said that it was not ok and should be respectful and of course I would of also supported him on that. I have spoken to her in private about her behaviour as well. 

[Fortress]

11 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Ha, my best friend's ex-fiancé constantly did this. Her daughter (= my goddaughter) is 13 and he  put her down quite often. Not necessarily for being ugly, but for being not athletic enough, for quitting certain sports, for saying/doing the wrong things in a restaurant, for being “slow”, clumsy etc., and he did it quite passive-aggressively. Sometimes directly. The R didn’t last. It wasn’t doable, because even though she loved him, that one thing broke her. I think he was jealous of the child, because it wasn’t his, and because of that, he felt insecure because my friend & her daughter are really close. Good mother-daughter-R all around. He couldn’t deal with it. I think he felt like the 3rd wheel and took it out on the child. What it did to my friend was that it eroded her love for him.  BFs who keep doing this, will chip away at the love they have with their women …… no woman will put of with this for too long. 

, it’s chipped away at my love for him too.  I wasn’t sure of a future with him from his past behaviour but certainly not now.  I don’t think that he’s jealous of me and my daughter’s relationship  but he is generally insecure of himself and has low self esteem so he acts like a bully in many ways. It’s exhausting when he overreacts to a perceived attack on his manhood or intelligence e.g. he had a tantrum cause he couldn’t close the trunk of our rental SUV and I told him there’s a button on the left. Wasn’t sure if he heard me so I said it again. He snapped at me with a condescending tone, “I know! It doesn’t work!” 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Fortress

[basil67]

I don't think the banter arguments has legs when it's between adult and child.   As adults, our job is to role model better behaviour.  Sure, call them out on their behaviour, but don't react by acting like another petulant teen.

That said, the other behaviour you describe would have seen me dump him a long time ago.  Time to throw this fish back in.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Fortress said:

I want to put my kids before him but is there even a possibility of  improving him or will he never change

One does not change their character. 

I would never allow the man I date to speak to my children in that way. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sure, call them out on their behaviour, but don't react by acting like another petulant teen.

Call them out on their behavior - a personal attack like this is hurtful and absolutely unacceptable. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Call them out on their behavior - a personal attack like this is hurtful and absolutely unacceptable. 

Yep, kids need both guidance and role modelling.  This guy did neither.

[Alvi]

I am just curious, how do you think he would react if you called his daughter ugly? Do you think he is going to get upset with you? No, please don't. No adult should ever stoop to that level when it comes to a child or a teenager. Don't care if you daughter was acting up, what gives his any right to call your daughter ugly? What would her father do if he ever finds out what your BF called your daughter, do you think he is going to be happy with him? He is what 43 going on 13? Look, this is not even a red flag or a deal breaker. This is non-negotiable.  It's your job to protect your children. 

2 hours ago, Fortress said:

Also, generally, he uses disparaging names for women he doesn’t like or have slighted him e.g. his boss. And when talking about his friends’ troubled teenagers.  He also uses derogatory names for different races and feels the need to make note of their race when telling a story.  He is high strung and loses his cool over nothing. My neighbour had a brain injury and when he clear my driveway of snow, he throws it on our cars not realizing it’s better if thrown on the lawn. And my bf was upset over it and hates my neighbour. Needless to say, my bf is intolerant and inflexible in his thinking. 
 

What an unpleasant individual to be around. I try to avoid being around people like him at any cost.

3 hours ago, Fortress said:

He also deflects blame and says other people, including me, cause him to react a certain way e.g. if you didn’t say that, then I wouldn’t have done that. He rarely accepts blame or looks to see what he may have done wrong. 

Nothing ever is his own fault, is it? 

I don't know what to say. He is just a boyfriend. It's not like he even asked you to marry him after 6 years together. The level of the commitment is not that high. Boyfriends come and go. Perhaps it is time for him to go. Pretty sure your kids deserve better.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yep, kids need both guidance and role modelling.  This guy did neither.

Reminds me of my niece when she was two. My sister in law was very upset because my niece would yell at her when she was unhappy. In response, my sister in law would yell back - “NO YELLING!”

I wanted to laugh - we are teaching the child not to yell by yelling at her?

Quote

He said he wanted her to be respectful.

How exactly, is he accomplishing this by calling the child ugly?

If he wants the children to respect him, he needs to treat the children with respect. The onus is on the adult. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Alvi said:

What an unpleasant individual to be around.

Also my thought. What attracts you to this man? It’s hard to appreciate why you would chose for him to be in your life never mind the lives of your children. 

[Fortress]

4 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I am just curious, how do you think he would react if you called his daughter ugly? Do you think he is going to get upset with you? No, please don't. No adult should ever stoop to that level when it comes to a child or a teenager. Don't care if you daughter was acting up, what gives his any right to call your daughter ugly? What would her father do if he ever finds out what your BF called your daughter, do you think he is going to be happy with him? He is what 43 going on 13? Look, this is not even a red flag or a deal breaker. This is non-negotiable.  It's your job to protect your children. 

What an unpleasant individual to be around. I try to avoid being around people like him at any cost.

Nothing ever is his own fault, is it? 

I don't know what to say. He is just a boyfriend. It's not like he even asked you to marry him after 6 years together. The level of the commitment is not that high. Boyfriends come and go. Perhaps it is time for him to go. Pretty sure your kids deserve better.

That’s a very good point about what he would say if I called his daughter ugly or if my daughter’s father knew what he said. It would not be a good reaction on either front.  And makes it even clearer how wrong it was. It is so exhausting being around him. I honestly rarely look forward to seeing him because of his largely caustic and negative conversation about his day and people in his circle. I can’t talk politics or religion or anything serious because we have different values and views.  And traveling with him is stressful cause the littlest thing throws him in a tizzy. 

[Fortress]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Reminds me of my niece when she was two. My sister in law was very upset because my niece would yell at her when she was unhappy. In response, my sister in law would yell back - “NO YELLING!”

I wanted to laugh - we are teaching the child not to yell by yelling at her?

How exactly, is he accomplishing this by calling the child ugly?

If he wants the children to respect him, he needs to treat the children with respect. The onus is on the adult. 

Very good point! Exactly that. 

[Fortress]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Also my thought. What attracts you to this man? It’s hard to appreciate why you would chose for him to be in your life never mind the lives of your children. 

My previous bf was a womanizer and passive aggressive. The men I dated after him wanted nothing serious, esp with three children in tow, and didn’t have their lives together. Then my bf comes along, handsome, charming, down to earth, no nonsense/no games/straightforward, welcomed and cared for me and my kids, intelligent, hard working, had our back, reliable, interesting and funny, talented, willing to try things. It was refreshing for me.  Plus I was getting older and it’s slim pickings at 42.  I gave him a shot and overlooked a few things. But it’s clear now that he’s attacked my kids it’s a deal breaker. 

[Fortress]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Reminds me of my niece when she was two. My sister in law was very upset because my niece would yell at her when she was unhappy. In response, my sister in law would yell back - “NO YELLING!”

I wanted to laugh - we are teaching the child not to yell by yelling at her?

How exactly, is he accomplishing this by calling the child ugly?

If he wants the children to respect him, he needs to treat the children with respect. The onus is on the adult. 

agree. Thanks for sharing

[ccas93]

Esp as a 43 year old man, you simply don't insult a 16 year old girl by calling her "ugly." Calling her brat if he was really pushed is one thing. I think we all know teenage girls, or teenagers can be surly and say b*tchy things. I know I wasn't the easiest 16-year-old to deal with at times, and I am so grateful I didn't have to experience any adults taking shots at my self esteem. They just knew I was a teenager and just needed to grow up. I'm sorry but adults, esp that age, have no business talking to minors this way. It's also really disrespectful to her mom/his girlfriend. 

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by ccas93

[Fortress]

37 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

Esp as a 43 year old man, you simply don't insult a 16 year old girl by calling her "ugly." Calling her brat if he was really pushed is one thing. I think we all know teenage girls, or teenagers can be surly and say b*tchy things. I know I wasn't the easiest 16-year-old to deal with at times, and I am so grateful I didn't have to experience any adults taking shots at my self esteem. They just knew I was a teenager and just needed to grow up. I'm sorry but adults, esp that age, have no business talking to minors this way. It's also really disrespectful to her mom/his girlfriend. 

 

You are right. He doesn’t put things in perspective and understand that she’s a child, a teen, who has some growing up to do yet. And that he’s the adult. He instead reacts like her. But not surprised. He has treated  his daughter like she’s already an adult and expects her to have an adult mind e.g. remember to do things, behave like an adult, etc. he doesn’t get that she’s a young child still. And he speaks to her like an adult on diff subjects. He just doesn’t have that understanding and he won’t read about parenting or anything to get better.

[ExpatInItaly]

HIs conduct was disgusting. 

 I would be done, no questions asked. You know he is a jerk and now he's turned that on your daughter? Drop-dead unacceptable. 

This wouldn't even be open to discussion or contemplation. Books about parenting aren't going to fix this. Not even close. Be done with this and watch out for similar red-flag behaviour from other men in the future.