poppyfields Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 ...and I'm a nervous wreck, I feel like a might throw up! That may seem silly but I very rarely meet in person men I chat with from a dating website. Last time I did OLD, I met only two men out of approximately 50 I talked to and the second became my boyfriend of three years. And I almost didn't meet HIM! A friend was staying with me at the time and she had to convince me from flaking. But I'm all alone now and shaking so bad, I'm not even sure why! Anyway, any words of encouragement from those who have experience OLDing would be appreciated! I am meeting him in one hour! Thanks in advance.
Tullyseptember Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 You'll be OK! You sound very confident from what I've read. Maybe go in with the thought of just meeting a friend, to take pressure of yourself? Enjoy the date! 1
basil67 Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 (edited) What are you nervous about Poppy? As in, what's the worst that could happen? (Oh no! my response is very late...you're probably about to walk in right now) Edited February 14, 2022 by basil67 1
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 Oh geez!!! You're probably gone by now!! Nothing to worry about!! It's like meeting your insurance broker! Lol. I'll stand by for the update! 1
Weezy1973 Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 I used to get nervous when I was first OLD. But seriously there’s not reason to be. Best advice is to just have fun. Focus on him. Learn about him. Chances are very good that’s it’s not a match so there’s nothing to worry about. Just enjoy the experience for what it is. Getting to know a stranger. 1
stillafool Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 Wow, just read this Poppy, hope you had a good time. 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 14, 2022 Author Posted February 14, 2022 (edited) Hey guys, quick update cause I don't want to say too much right now. Yes I was VERY nervous because I already really liked him from our chats (we've been chatting for around 3 weeks and had a rather lengthy phone conversation as well). In fact the week prior to meeting last evening, I wasn't even talking to anyone else. But my nerves settled quickly once we met, he is definitely my physical type, more so than his pics and apparently I am his type also! Our personalities also clicked, the energy was there in person, and we will be seeing each other again Wednesday night for dinner at this great little jazz club he knows of in East Village. Kind of off the beaten path which is what I like. I have been extremely lucky when meeting guys OLDing (the few times I've done it), and I think that's because I vet very carefully, I spend lots of time chatting prior and I won't meet any guys unless I feel "something," a sort of mental energy if you will. Which is mutual as energy between two people typically is. I know some people recommend meeting in person immediately or fairly quickly, but that doesn't work for me personally. It also saves me time from meeting men who aren't right for me. But we shall see how things unfold, it was just one meet after all. Edited February 14, 2022 by poppyfields 5 1
Tullyseptember Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 What a great update! Glad you had a good time and that you will be meeting up again. Gives me a sense of comfort to know people do meet good people! I have tried OLD and I have had terrible experiences. Now that I have been reading this section reguarly, I can see that I set myself up for these terrible experiences. Also working with consistent therapy is exploring why the terrible expereinces happen in the first place! Enjoy 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 14, 2022 Author Posted February 14, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said: I have tried OLD and I have had terrible experiences. I have too! You would not believe the stuff I have experienced with men on line (or maybe you would). And my solution is to simply NOT meet those guys. Chat for awhile, vet carefully, weed them out. I think I mentioned in my original post, the last time I on line dated I must have talked to at least 50 men, some very briefly, some longer. I weeded most of them out for one reason or another, but ended up meeting only two and the second became my boyfriend of three years. Most people meet immediately or very quickly and that's why in my opinion, it doesn't work out. You haven't spent the time vetting and getting to know, and getting a sense of the person, and a sort of mutual energy which you can feel, even on line. Doesn't mean that same energy will be there in person but it's a damn good start! Edited February 14, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 14, 2022 Author Posted February 14, 2022 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Finally found the needle in the haystack? Not really, I just vet very carefully chatting for a while (in this case three weeks and we had some awesome conversations) and I only meet men I (1) have a really good sense about and (2) feel a mental energy/connection with. Like I said, doesn't mean that same energy will be there in person, but it's a good start. Just how I prefer to do it, works for me anyway. 1
basil67 Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 Thanks for the update. I hope your second date vibes well 1
Alpacalia Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 I like your idea of talking first. I did that with the man (the one I was posting about). We talked for a month or so before finally meeting. In hindsight I probably should have been asking him questions about his last relationship because it seemed that he was still in a bit of a funk from that. Or, maybe that's why we talked for so long before actually meeting. But other than that, he was a really good guy. Glad you had fun on your date, hope you have many more! 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 14, 2022 Author Posted February 14, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Alpaca said: In hindsight I probably should have been asking him questions about his last relationship because it seemed that he was still in a bit of a funk from that. Yeah, this was something we talked about. My past relationships too. Not ad nauseum but we did discuss briefly so we each got a certain "feel" for where we were emotionally. I know others don't agree with getting so "intimate" before meeting, and it wasn't even anything conscious on my part (or his I don't think), it was simply where the conversation took us, its natural flow. Contrast to that, I dated a man for a few months last year who I met in person, at a café with friends. I have threads about him (the lawyer). I knew absolutely nothing about him before we began dating and as it turned out which I discovered after dating him for approx three months, he was still mourning his late wife. He became depressed, felt guilty for developing feelings for me, the whole nine. He was still very much in love with her, or her memory. Had we met on line and chatted for a bit, I might have found that out before we met and decided not to meet him. So maybe that's a point for on line. In any event, it's just my style, no right or wrong, everyone does OLDing differently. Edited February 14, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2022 Posted February 14, 2022 I couldn't wait to get back home from work to post on this thread I am very happy it was a great first meet and looking forward for the 2nd date update! 1 1
Johnjohnson2017 Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 I am surprised you are trying out online dating. You seem to meet men anywhere you go. You seem to have an engaging personality so it's easy for you to meet men IRL. With online dating, you rely on pictures to determine whether you are physically attracted to the other person. Pictures are not always accurate as some people actually look better and some people actually don't look as good as their pictures. No matter how good the emotional chemistry is, you won't know about the physical chemistry until you meet. 1
Alpacalia Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 7 hours ago, poppyfields said: Yeah, this was something we talked about. My past relationships too. Not ad nauseum but we did discuss briefly so we each got a certain "feel" for where we were emotionally. I know others don't agree with getting so "intimate" before meeting, and it wasn't even anything conscious on my part (or his I don't think), it was simply where the conversation took us, its natural flow. Contrast to that, I dated a man for a few months last year who I met in person, at a café with friends. I have threads about him (the lawyer). I knew absolutely nothing about him before we began dating and as it turned out which I discovered after dating him for approx three months, he was still mourning his late wife. He became depressed, felt guilty for developing feelings for me, the whole nine. He was still very much in love with her, or her memory. Had we met on line and chatted for a bit, I might have found that out before we met and decided not to meet him. So maybe that's a point for on line. In any event, it's just my style, no right or wrong, everyone does OLDing differently. That's hard when you meet someone you really click with but they're still recovering from a previous relationship. Did you ever think about reaching out to him (the man from the cafe) like maybe after some time passed? 1
chillii Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 As l've always said and suggested to people around here , it's about quality not quantity . Be selective very selective and just save yourself a whole lotta troubles. Glad it went well anyway pop , nice. 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 15, 2022 Author Posted February 15, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, chillii said: As l've always said and suggested to people around here , it's about quality not quantity . Be selective very selective and just save yourself a whole lotta troubles. Glad it went well anyway pop , nice. Not sure what you mean by "glad it went well anyway" but thanks! I 100% agree with you about quality over quantity which is why I am very selective about who I choose to meet. This time round (OLDing) after talking to so many, he was the only man I had any desire to meet. I gotta admit, I am disappointed he did not send me a Valentine but I'm just gonna focus on the great time we had and seeing each other tomorrow night. I did not send him a Valentine either so maybe it goes both ways, but I am disappointed. @Alpaca, no I don't think about reaching out to the Cafe guy, we had our moment, I don't believe in going backwards. That said, if we were to connect again naturally down the road, I'd be open to it. Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields
Johnjohnson2017 Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Not sure what you mean by "glad it went well anyway" but thanks! I 100% agree with you about quality over quantity which is why I am very selective about who I choose to meet. This time round (OLDing) after talking to so many, he was the only man I had any desire to meet. I gotta admit, I am disappointed he did not send me a Valentine but I'm just gonna focus on the great time we had and seeing each other tomorrow night. I did not send him a Valentine either so maybe it goes both ways, but I am disappointed. @Alpaca, no I don't think about reaching out to the Cafe guy, we had our moment, I don't believe in going backwards. That said, if we were to connect again naturally down the road, I'd be open to it. sending a valentine greeting this soon might turn off some women out there. It might be perceived as too needy/clingy/ just too soon. 2 1
Alvi Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 (edited) 19 hours ago, poppyfields said: Not really, I just vet very carefully chatting for a while (in this case three weeks and we had some awesome conversations) and I only meet men I (1) have a really good sense about and (2) feel a mental energy/connection with. I am happy for you Poppy! Can I ask if you texted each other or were you talking on a phone? Or was it video chats? If it was phone or video chat conversations, how many did you have? I am asking because I am curious. I was going to create a post asking how many phone or video calls are needed (or maybe needed is too strong of a word) before meeting in person. I see your point. Before reading your post I thought that the whole point of a dating site is to meet as soon as possible and to get to know each other in person. But after reading what you've said about taking time and getting to know each other before meeting, I think you might be right. I started to re-evaluate things in the last couple of days. I've met with so so many wrong guys from on-line, which become painfully obvious after a date or two. Maybe because I am pushing on meeting guys as soon as possible. I am very selective about whom I am meeting too but meeting as soon as possible approach is not quite working out well for me. I like what you said about "feeling the energy" of a guy first. I think this is something for me to contemplate and consider. Edited February 15, 2022 by Alvi 1
Alpacalia Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 (edited) xxx deleted wrong thread (lol) Edited February 15, 2022 by Alpaca
princessaurora Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 20 hours ago, poppyfields said: Not really, I just vet very carefully chatting for a while (in this case three weeks and we had some awesome conversations) and I only meet men I (1) have a really good sense about and (2) feel a mental energy/connection with. Like I said, doesn't mean that same energy will be there in person, but it's a good start. Just how I prefer to do it, works for me anyway. Poppy, I was the same way when I was dating. I was very selective about who I would go out with and knew a good bit about them before the date. It blows my mind when I hear stories about people dating for months and not even knowing anything about their past. I always found this to be natural conversation as well. And I can honestly say most of the ones I did choose to date turned out to be top quality men. The vibe had to be there for me, too or I just wasn't wasting my time and since that worked for me I kept that as my dating style, till I found the one I vibed the most with and made him my husband over 20 yrs ago. Good luck on your 2nd date. Hope that energy continues to flow. 1
Author poppyfields Posted February 15, 2022 Author Posted February 15, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Alvi said: Can I ask if you texted each other or were you talking on a phone? Or was it video chats? If it was phone or video chat conversations, how many did you have? I am asking because I am curious. I was going to create a post asking how many phone or video calls are needed (or maybe needed is too strong of a word) before meeting in person. HI Alvi! To answer your questions, after briefly chatting on the site, for three weeks, we messaged each other (email/gmail). At first every few days, escalating to every other day give or take, then to every day during the last week. Our convos ran the gamut, from playful banter to more serious topics and learning about each other. Then, two nights before we met (last Friday) we talked on the phone. I felt nervous at first because I usually dislike talking on phone but I was curious to hear his voice and feel that energy too. And it was great, I felt very comfortable and we ended up talking a couple of hours! No video calls which was fine because personally I find talking over video awkward and uncomfortable. I liked his pics and he liked mine (I had uploaded two) and he never asked for more during the three weeks we talked. Which was also fine because I am really more into how we vibe, our energy. Then Sunday night we met! 1 hour ago, princessaurora said: I was the same way when I was dating. I was very selective about who I would go out with and knew a good bit about them before the date. It blows my mind when I hear stories about people dating for months and not even knowing anything about their past. I always found this to be natural conversation as well. And I can honestly say most of the ones I did choose to date turned out to be top quality men. The vibe had to be there for me, too or I just wasn't wasting my time and since that worked for me I kept that as my dating style, till I found the one I vibed the most with and made him my husband over 20 yrs ago. Thank you! Re the bolded, exactly!! I cannot imagine doing it any other way. But everyone has their own style so not judging others for doing it a different way. Whatever works! Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Weezy1973 Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 I think the key element is always time. It takes time to get to know someone so whether or not it’s in person or chatting / emailing etc. isn’t really that important. Meeting quickly /multidating in the early stages is effectively the same thing but you’re meeting people in person to vet them instead.
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