How long is too long to have not recovered from a breakup?

[Kelpy]

TL;DR at the end

I'm 5 months NC and 7 month BU. In all honesty I thought I would be over it by now but the whole process has been a constant and violent emotional roller-coaster. I remember just a month after the breakup, I was almost 100% fine- I wouldn't think about him everyday, and when I did, all the negative memories were like water off a duck's back and I was for the most part emotionally stable and positive. However fast forward to now, I'm miserable 70% of the time. I remember watching this Ted talk about a woman (extrovert) breaking up with a man (introvert). This isn't something that's normally discussed but the story resonated with me. When they got together, the woman (extrovert) was big on organising social gatherings with people and the man (introvert) would tag along and make a couple of connections with the new people he met. However later on, the woman decides to breakup with him leaving not just one, but 2 voids. The obvious one being the void of her being gone and a broken relationship, but also a social void. This is what happened to me, and I think they really fed off each other until I realised what was going on.

 

I've been stuck in some kind of limbo. Just to give a little catch-up, I was living with my ex and mutual friends, but after the breakup, I moved out- I lost not only the relationship but social connections due to me moving out. In the new place I've been living alone now until recently someone new moved in. But essentially, I think being depraved of social and actual physical human connection meant that I'm more prone to rumination on past events and feeling bitter in general since all these are connected in some way.

 

As in a lot of cases (I think) of introvert/extrovert relationships, the extrovert essentially adopts the introvert allowing them to experience life with them almost like a 'shadow partner'- we're there, we accompany them to social gatherings etc which provides us with more of a social life which means we spend time interacting with people other than our SO. This is not to say that we don't have some sense of individuality while being the 'shadow partner'. Maybe I'm not the best example of this (still working through being called attached- more on this one later). As an introvert, I prefer to listen to conversations and chip in and every now and again, sometimes I prefer to just stick in my room and watch Netflix by myself than bother with other people I don't have significantly deep relationships with. In fact, of the all the activities I could do with others (not including my then bf)- I prefer doing things alone 70% of the time. 

 

So coming back to being attached. My ex told me I was attached. Naturally, I thought about it along with other things I pointed out myself, reflected on it, but I don't see it entirely unlike with the other things I pointed in myself. I understand why he might say that, but given the circumstances, I feel like some of these things were expected. 

1. We were living together. So we naturally were near each other so naturally hung out a lot. There were times where we both needed time outs, but we just let each other know

2. All this happened during the pandemic and lockdowns. Which cut us off from contact with people from outside where we were living. So again, this meant we ended up spending a lot of time together. We still had a social life with other people living in the building, but because of me and my introvert (and a bit of social anxiety) ways, I wasn't as upbeat about maintaining and doing things individually with these people because we didn't have strong connections in the first place. I would still hang out with them as a group as there was less pressure.

3. I might be wrong, but I think calling someone attached can be more indicative of how much time they want to spend with you. If they feel like they're spending too much time with you (based on their own standards of usually spending time with multiple other people for example) then they will perceive you to be the one with the problem and call you attached. This is similar to how adjectives work. You might describe someone as dumb, because you think of yourself as smart etc. But obviously, I do acknowledge that there are clear indicators of someone being clear out attached.

 

So if anyone can help, do you think I was attached? Do you think I should be worried about how long it's taking me to move tf on? If not, when should I be concerned- after 6 more months, a year?

Also, if anyone is having the same kind of problems, I'd be interested to hear about your experience.

Edit: TL;DR

- 5 months NC, 7 months BU but still feeling mostly miserable. Should I be concerned about how long it's taking?

- Ex said I was attached but what does it actually mean to be attached (I'm not totally convinced because of we lived together and also, there was a pandemic and lockdowns going on)

Edited February 13, 2022 by Kelpy
Include TL;DR

[glows]

Maybe you are not introverted and are extroverted with social anxiety. You seem to still crave interaction on a similar level or experience a void after the relationship. 

I’ve only ever been with other introverts and can’t say I’ve ever missed a partner’s connections. There’s an adjustment period and some mutual friends linger for awhile and then fade over the years but I moved on and made new friends. I usually am very comfortable recharging or going about exploring on my own. 

When your ex said you were attached what was he referring to? You attached to him or you attached to his social circles? Don’t be afraid to bust out and find your own tribe.

[stillafool]

It takes some people longer to get over a breakup than others.  In my experience you take the number of months/years together and divide by 2 = time it takes to get over them.  If you think what you're going through is excessive you may want to get independent counseling which I've heard helps a great deal.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Kelpy said:

- 5 months NC, 7 months BU but still feeling mostly miserable. Should I be concerned about how long it's taking?

Yes.  Make an appointment with a physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss feeling depressed, anxious, isolated and withdrawn. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing d support.

While breakups hurt, protracted feelings of persistent sadness is something to address. Avoid pigeonholing yourself into categories. 

Is this the same man:?

 

[stillafool]

How long was the relationship?

[Kelpy]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Maybe you are not introverted and are extroverted with social anxiety. You seem to still crave interaction on a similar level or experience a void after the relationship. 

I’ve only ever been with other introverts and can’t say I’ve ever missed a partner’s connections. There’s an adjustment period and some mutual friends linger for awhile and then fade over the years but I moved on and made new friends. I usually am very comfortable recharging or going about exploring on my own. 

When your ex said you were attached what was he referring to? You attached to him or you attached to his social circles? Don’t be afraid to bust out and find your own tribe.

I've gotten therapy for social anxiety so that's mostly sorted out for now. I don't know how reliable personality tests are, but it came out that I'm an introvert. I think the way I see it is that whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, some level of human connection is needed. Right now, I really am getting very little in terms of even basic human interaction so I do feel some kind of social void. The only time I interact with people physically close to me is once a week for 2 hours which is tiny. Luckily, I'm not living alone anymore so that would help ease things a lot. I do text message friends and call family but I feel like I need a balance of being physically close to the people I'm talking to and texting/calling family members and friends in different cities. 

I wouldn't say I crave interaction to the same level, but I do crave some interaction- I can do with even just one person.

He meant attached to him.

 

[Kelpy]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

It takes some people longer to get over a breakup than others.  In my experience you take the number of months/years together and divide by 2 = time it takes to get over them.  If you think what you're going through is excessive you may want to get independent counseling which I've heard helps a great deal.

Going by that logic, that's around 10 months (so 3 months to go not accounting for the lag of NC). I'm not really sure if it's excessive though. I'd say the most obvious thing that all these problems are affecting, are my motivation to study when previously, I've had a good work ethic. I've found that my grades aren't slipping to a point I'm worried about. But based on the me before the relationship even, I could definitely be doing more work especially with exams coming up.

I decided to get into therapy because I was concerned about my mental health. Sometimes I'm completely fine but at other points I just feel so down and out of it. 

Thanks for the advice

[Kelpy]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes.  Make an appointment with a physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss feeling depressed, anxious, isolated and withdrawn. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing d support.

While breakups hurt, protracted feelings of persistent sadness is something to address. Avoid pigeonholing yourself into categories. 

Is this the same man:?

 

Yeah, that's the same person. I've had a go at joining societies which didn't work out. The easiest thing next to that was just saying yes to everything I was invited to and trying to make plans with others which I'm ok with. Maybe it's just me being picky, but these friendships I have with these people feel very surface level. I recognise that they're still valuable in some way, but I'm not really used to surface level when it's one on one. If I were in a group with people I don't connect with as easily, it's easy to just listen in without making much contribution. 

I've decided to got back into therapy (previously got some for social anxiety) mostly because I was concerned about the depressive episodes. 

Could you expand on what you mean by pigeonholing myself into categories.

[Kelpy]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

How long was the relationship?

It was just over a year and a half long 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Kelpy said:

3. I might be wrong, but I think calling someone attached can be more indicative of how much time they want to spend with you. If they feel like they're spending too much time with you (based on their own standards of usually spending time with multiple other people for example) then they will perceive you to be the one with the problem and call you attached. This is similar to how adjectives work. You might describe someone as dumb, because you think of yourself as smart etc. But obviously, I do acknowledge that there are clear indicators of someone being clear out attached.

Perhaps there are cultural/language/generation differences at play here, but I'm having trouble seeing the word "attached" as a problem.  On it's own, the word is rather innocuous.  I wouldn't want a relationship where we didn't feel attached to each other.   And "attached" can also be used as the opposite of "single"  

Of course, if they used an adjective to change the meaning of the word and called you "overly attached" then there could be a problem.  But even then, you're right that if you're dating someone who likes to keep you at arm's length, their perspective of "overly attached' may not be accurate.  

But the word "attached" all on it's own is nothing to worry about.

[Kelpy]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps there are cultural/language/generation differences at play here, but I'm having trouble seeing the word "attached" as a problem.  On it's own, the word is rather innocuous.  I wouldn't want a relationship where we didn't feel attached to each other.   And "attached" can also be used as the opposite of "single"  

Of course, if they used an adjective to change the meaning of the word and called you "overly attached" then there could be a problem.  But even then, you're right that if you're dating someone who likes to keep you at arm's length, their perspective of "overly attached' may not be accurate.  

But the word "attached" all on it's own is nothing to worry about.

It is a relief to hear an outside source say that it's nothing to worry about. Because I think about it from time to time- but in my mind, I could never resolve this one.

When he said it, I took it as him saying that I'm overly attached (which is a dependency I guess???). But I agree, I feel like some level of attachment is natural and expected in a relationship. The whole keeping me at arms length got me thinking- it probably just indicates that he wasn't interested. The breakup was confusing and there were a lot of reasons he gave so I can't really chalk it up to one. When talks of trying again came up a day or 2 after the breakup, he was lukewarm about it saying no, then yes (but not for the right reasons in my opinion). Kind of similar to how a student might brainstorm excuses to tell their teacher why they weren't able to submit their work on time. Ultimately, I just cracked, so I didn't want to try again.

[robaday]

Do you think I should be worried about how long it's taking me to move tf on?  

Hmmm I dont think you should be worried if you are taking active steps to move forward with your life. It took me two years to get over my first love and I was only with her for a year! The reason it took me so long was a very weak sense of self and low self esteem and inexperience. But it gave me the opportunity to really work on those things and I emerged from that breakup (eventually after some very embarrassing moments) a much better version of my previous self. But also that I was completely and helplessly in love and there is nothing any of us can do about that....its a wonderful but awful affliction:)  So, yeah you can take ages to get over someone...but if you are working on yourself and doing all you can no point beating yourself up over it (easier said than done I know). If I have felt deeply for someone at some point it never really leaves. I get to the point where I can be around them and not be hurt that Im not with them and I can accept we are just friends...but a part of me will always love them (sometimes I wish that wasnt the case:)

[Kelpy]

11 minutes ago, robaday said:

Do you think I should be worried about how long it's taking me to move tf on?  

Hmmm I dont think you should be worried if you are taking active steps to move forward with your life. It took me two years to get over my first love and I was only with her for a year! The reason it took me so long was a very weak sense of self and low self esteem and inexperience. But it gave me the opportunity to really work on those things and I emerged from that breakup (eventually after some very embarrassing moments) a much better version of my previous self. But also that I was completely and helplessly in love and there is nothing any of us can do about that....its a wonderful but awful affliction:)  So, yeah you can take ages to get over someone...but if you are working on yourself and doing all you can no point beating yourself up over it (easier said than done I know). If I have felt deeply for someone at some point it never really leaves. I get to the point where I can be around them and not be hurt that Im not with them and I can accept we are just friends...but a part of me will always love them (sometimes I wish that wasnt the case:)

I guess that's the right way to go about it. I don't have a sense of hopelessness in a way that I think I'll never get over it or worry about not being able to get another partner so that helps. Because of this, I don't feel a rush because I know that I'll get to that point. Usually I hear about people getting over it in just a couple months so it's a relief knowing that it does take longer at times. Because looking into the future I can see this taking at least a year to fully get over (which to me means, knowing that I'm ready to date again). Or it could even take longer because of how healing works

This was my first relationship, so I also went through the phase of having a low self esteem. Weirdly enough, with how things are going, my self-esteem has improved. I think I just needed the time to work things out by myself. Which meant just observing and/or reflecting on things that happened during the relationship and also after the relationship. But other than that, I know I could and should be doing better in other areas. I just wanted to add that my productivity usually follows my mood, so I haven't been totally slacking on other areas I could be working on. I think I'm just waiting for that point in time where everything can just be consistent.

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

It is a relief to hear an outside source say that it's nothing to worry about. Because I think about it from time to time- but in my mind, I could never resolve this one.

When he said it, I took it as him saying that I'm overly attached (which is a dependency I guess???). But I agree, I feel like some level of attachment is natural and expected in a relationship. The whole keeping me at arms length got me thinking- it probably just indicates that he wasn't interested. The breakup was confusing and there were a lot of reasons he gave so I can't really chalk it up to one. When talks of trying again came up a day or 2 after the breakup, he was lukewarm about it saying no, then yes (but not for the right reasons in my opinion). Kind of similar to how a student might brainstorm excuses to tell their teacher why they weren't able to submit their work on time. Ultimately, I just cracked, so I didn't want to try again.

It may not be that you were "overly attached", but that you were regular-type attached and he wasn't feeling it for various reasons.  That you weren't doing anything wrong, but he needed to end it rather than string you along.

It's really, really normal to have multiple reasons for ending a relationship.  Unless the problem is one massive deal breaker, it's normally a collection of smaller things which combine to make a person decide not to stay.   

Can you pinpoint any thoughts which are holding you back from forgetting about him?

Edited February 14, 2022 by basil67

[Kelpy]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It may not be that you were "overly attached", but that you were regular-type attached and he wasn't feeling it for various reasons.  That you weren't doing anything wrong, but he needed to end it rather than string you along.

It's really, really normal to have multiple reasons for ending a relationship.  Unless the problem is one massive deal breaker, it's normally a collection of smaller things which combine to make a person decide not to stay.   

Can you pinpoint any thoughts which are holding you back from forgetting about him?

That makes sense.

I think a couple things are making it hard for me

1. There's a strong feeling of loneliness in the loss of friends, him himself and just people living around me. All of this connects to the breakup so while I know moving out was my decision and I didn't have the ability to cope, my thoughts just lead me back to the breakup

2. Not to whine but it sucks getting caught in an unfair situation. I did my part in the relationship but he ultamately was the one that usually fell short. I really did love him and was extremely patient when it came to him being unfaithful or just directing outbursts to me and I stuck around

3. I feel like he's doing better than me. He kept the friends. He's doing better in terms of education

4. This is probably something I should stop doing, but I occasionally read our last texts since that's all I have left. And it really distorts this image I had of him. On 2 occasions while we're in the process of breaking up/making plans for how to try again, he mentions possibly doing things with his ex (who he previously cheated on me with). At one point he basically confirms it. It is heart breaking because during some point in the conversation I was pouring my heart to him and wanting to make things work but then he goes on to say something like that. It just makes me feel so insignificant and underappreciated.

5. I didn't get a real apology. I got the kind of therapist endorsed apology which is just to say sorry, I don't expect you to forgive me but I'm working on my issues now or I'm sorry for all the s*** I did. It really doesn't address the things that happened or the consequence they had on me. Because of that, it feels like he's swept the problem away and continued living life without a care for me. Like crashing through a shop front but continuing to drive through the other side without stopping to assess the damage or see if everyone inside is ok.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think there is a big difference between healthy attachment (normal in relationships), and dependence (not great)

Maybe your ex meant the latter.  I dated a guy like that once. He was nice enough, but didn't seem to have much of a life. I'm not some huge extrovert but I have friends, activities and whatnot...while he had very few. It grew to feel like he depended on me for entertainment and a social life, and the dynamic was just off. Being introverted wasn't really the issue with him; it was the fact that I felt like the centre of his whole world and he had little more to his personality or life outside the relationship.

I can't say that's what happened in your case. But perhaps you're on to something when you say you feel a social void from the break-up. You mentioned you text your friends and family, but how often do you spend time together? 

[Kelpy]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can't say that's what happened in your case. But perhaps you're on to something when you say you feel a social void from the break-up. You mentioned you text your friends and family, but how often do you spend time together? 

Well because of the rules surrounding the pandemic, not much. When I was able to meet up with friends during the breaks, only one was actually willing to meet up. I only met family during the holidays too.

I'll admit when I got into the relationship I spent slightly less time texting them but tbh I thought that was natural.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Kelpy said:

Well because of the rules surrounding the pandemic, not much. When I was able to meet up with friends during the breaks, only one was actually willing to meet up. I only met family during the holidays too.

I mean now, though. 

Are restrictions relaxed enough in your area now that you could see them more? 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

1. There's a strong feeling of loneliness in the loss of friends, him himself and just people living around me. All of this connects to the breakup so while I know moving out was my decision and I didn't have the ability to cope, my thoughts just lead me back to the breakup

Loneliness is a real problem which can be more difficult to overcome as we get older.  Are you doing anything to try and meet people?  Or connect with old friends?

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

2. Not to whine but it sucks getting caught in an unfair situation. I did my part in the relationship but he ultamately was the one that usually fell short. I really did love him and was extremely patient when it came to him being unfaithful or just directing outbursts to me and I stuck around

Kindly, you weren't "caught".  You made the choice to stay with someone who was treating you badly.   

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

3. I feel like he's doing better than me. He kept the friends. He's doing better in terms of education

If I understand correctly, they were his friends to start with, so naturally they will stay with him.    Is education something you'd like to pursue?  Hey, you may also be able to make new friends through it.

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

4. This is probably something I should stop doing, but I occasionally read our last texts since that's all I have left. And it really distorts this image I had of him. On 2 occasions while we're in the process of breaking up/making plans for how to try again, he mentions possibly doing things with his ex (who he previously cheated on me with). At one point he basically confirms it. It is heart breaking because during some point in the conversation I was pouring my heart to him and wanting to make things work but then he goes on to say something like that. It just makes me feel so insignificant and underappreciated.

DELETE THE TEXT.  Right now.  I mean it.   It's holding you back.

3 hours ago, Kelpy said:

5. I didn't get a real apology. I got the kind of therapist endorsed apology which is just to say sorry, I don't expect you to forgive me but I'm working on my issues now or I'm sorry for all the s*** I did. It really doesn't address the things that happened or the consequence they had on me. Because of that, it feels like he's swept the problem away and continued living life without a care for me. Like crashing through a shop front but continuing to drive through the other side without stopping to assess the damage or see if everyone inside is ok.

It's not the job of an ex to help us sort out the post relationship chaos.   And yes, he has moved on and continued life without a care for you... and you need to work towards living without a care for him.  

 

I honestly think that you're not recovering because you're still too busy blaming him and feeling like a victim to his actions. Instead, you would be wise to take responsibility for your own past choices and recovery.  Look to achieve a "can do" mentality.    For example:

1. I don't need his apology or for him to care about me in order to recover.

2. I've recognise that I sold myself short by staying in a bad relationship.  I'm not going to do that again.

3. I'm going to jettison all my memories of him

4. I'm going to go find something new and interesting to add to my life.  I may even make some friends.

 

[glows]

He cheated on you and it was your first relationship and after he ends it with you he tells you that you’re too attached to him?? Is this what I’m hearing? 

Yes, absolutely let go. Let go and find your friends. Don’t have any contact with his people or any associations. It’s good that you no longer have contact with him and you’re deciding to return to therapy if you need extra support. 

Be productive with your free time and focus on your studies. If you need breaks volunteer and get out in person, physically remove yourself and get going with your day. 

If I find myself overloaded or stressed about the amount of things I need to do I make a mental list the night before. This is just a habit I formed along the way. The next morning I’ve already preset the things I know I need to accomplish and do as much as I can. Stay fit and keep active, eat well, don’t linger on woes and pain. Grow from the experience and the relationship. Look for change in yourself and acknowledge where you went wrong. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel but you have to want that for yourself.

[Kelpy]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I mean now, though. 

Are restrictions relaxed enough in your area now that you could see them more? 

When I do go back to my home city, yes.

[Kelpy]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I honestly think that you're not recovering because you're still too busy blaming him and feeling like a victim to his actions. Instead, you would be wise to take responsibility for your own past choices and recovery.  Look to achieve a "can do" mentality.    For example:

1. I don't need his apology or for him to care about me in order to recover.

2. I've recognise that I sold myself short by staying in a bad relationship.  I'm not going to do that again.

3. I'm going to jettison all my memories of him

4. I'm going to go find something new and interesting to add to my life.  I may even make some friends.

 

You're right. I think I knew all these things at the back of my head but something was just holding me back. And I'm probably too busy replaying those memories and feeling the same things I felt before when I don't have to. I know that my reaction to anything really is in my control and no one else's.

I just don't know why I'm finding it so hard to put things into practice. Maybe I'm just intimidated with starting over again. Looking back, I really made myself an emotional slave to things he did when I didn't have to.

I just wanted to add some info on the friends bit- these were mostly housemates. I knew one of them independent from him. The other ones were definitely closer to him than they were me which is understandable as I was less social. 

About the loneliness, I am trying to meet people through friend making apps but it's just going down south (there arent any matches close to me as I live in a small city). But I think I can make a better effort with these things. It's just an unusual experience for me as I've never had to put effort into making friends- it just happened naturally without much intention.

Edited February 14, 2022 by Kelpy
extra info

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Kelpy said:

When I do go back to my home city, yes.

How often is that? 

It seems you're still quite socially isolated, which is leading you to struggle more with this break.up. 

[Kelpy]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

How often is that? 

It seems you're still quite socially isolated, which is leading you to struggle more with this break.up. 

At the moment I go back maybe every other week/ every 2 weeks + during the holidays. 

I think that's the main thing at the moment. I think because I have all this time alone, I'm more likely to ruminate. And too much rumination doesn't lead to anything good

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Kelpy said:

I'd say the most obvious thing that all these problems are affecting, are my motivation to study when previously, I've had a good work ethic.

It should be getting better with time, not worse. 

14 hours ago, Kelpy said:

I decided to get into therapy because I was concerned about my mental health.

This seems like a very good decision. 

4 hours ago, Kelpy said:

It's just an unusual experience for me as I've never had to put effort into making friends- it just happened naturally without much intention.

Very true when you are younger. It becomes more challenging when you are older. I tend to agree with others that the social isolation and loneliness you are experiencing (which is becoming a growing concern for so many) is negatively affecting your ability to move on.

In life, relationships come and relationships go. Not every relationship is meant to last - some are meant to teach you more about yourself and relationships as you grow and mature. So, take what you can from this relationship and learn from the experience.

As it relates to “getting over” the relationship - if you continue to focus on it, it will be hard to move on. At a certain point, it is really just a decision to let go - park it and move forward.

Good luck!