my GF and I just told each other how we've felt, and she's pretty hurt by it

February 13, 2022

Context: my gf and I have been together over 3 years, and are both 23. We talk as if we’re getting married for sure, and things were amazing for the first year and a half of our relationship. Also apologies, this is going to be a long one.

Over the last 18 months, my gf has pulled away from me physically and emotionally. We haven’t had sex in over a year, and more or less every time I’ve tried to initiate anything with her she’s said no. By initiate, I’m not just talking sex. She doesn’t want to go anywhere, watch anything I want to, eat what I eat, etc. she always did reach out to me, and recently she started trying to hang out with me more frequently. Over the last 18 months, as she did this, I became more resentful, as I felt she didn’t want anything to do with me once I was actually around her. I’d often feel like I could be removed from a situation she’s in and nothing would change. It felt like I was there to drive, listen, and buy food. That romantic connection was gone, and the one time I called her out on it, she apologized, said she was overworked, and would fix it. She tried for a bit and fell back into her old habits. I’ve been so isolated in the relationship, in my eyes, because it didn’t feel like I was in one. We’d simply talk on discord, and drive around on the rare days we’d see each other. Beyond sex (although it is very important to me), there was no inclination my gf wanted me romantically. She told me to stop sending her good mornings, showed no emotion when I was around, save for a few days, showed no interest in me or what I was doing, and was just aloof about us, despite talking about our future as if she knew she wanted our future to be together.

As far as sex went though, we hit a few roadblocks, at least on the surface. We’ve been caught by cops in my car a few times, which turned her off of it (same for me, but to a lesser extent), she won’t do anything sexual in her house because she grew up there and feels weird about it, and we don’t sext as she’s in a public field and an ex who tried releasing revenge porn of her had her traumatized. I have respected each of these boundaries, and will continue to. As for getting a room, restrictions didn’t allow for that, and she has small nieces and nephews she didn’t want to get sick. I get all of that, but at the end of the day I still need to know she wants me that way, even if it can’t happen now. We did get a room once in the last year too, when we were there she barely wanted to touch me, and so I took it as she wasn’t interested in me sexually. I’ve tried to maintain my affection for her, and done the best I can to be there for her without resentment getting in the way. She’ll be the first to admit I’ve always supported her no matter what.

Today we celebrated Valentine’s Day with a special date and went out on the town and had a great night just like we used to. It was amazing and the exact type of night we needed to get back on track. We got back to her place, and she finally opened up about her depression, which I suspected she had.
She explained that a year of isolation from everyone aside from me and her family has really taken a toll on her, especially since she only has a few friends. She told me that with us, being so distant for this amount of time (we used to see each other so much more) has led to her being less connected to me in the relationship, which is why she’s been so aloof with me personally. She told me she wants to get back to where we were, but it’ll take some time, and dates for real instead of walking around Walmart.she did she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but things sucked between us for the last bit, which I agreed to. She acknowledged she’s the one that says no to everything, and asked me to make her come with me to do stuff. She’s stuck in a rut, and is feeling down. She asked if I understood why things weren’t the same, and I told her I did.

Im not the one that pulled away though, and I let her know I’d be patient and do what I can to get her out of her Rut, although of course it’s ultimately her issue to figure out. I told her to be patient with me too, as it’s been a rough year for me, and while I think her finally explaining it all to me is a great start (she never talks about her feelings, so it was genuinely great to hear her start the convo), it doesn’t eliminate the resentment I’ve built over the last year. She asked why I needed time, and so I told her honestly, since she wanted me to tell her what I meant was that this last year had been incredibly rough on me in our relationship, as I’m not the person who kept pulling away or said no to real, fun dates. I let her know being present for half our hangouts and completely indifferent the other half had me feeling like I was in limbo, and absolutely didn’t have me feeling like making an effort any more than I was. Basically I felt the ball was in her court, since any action I took was met with negativity, and so whatever issues we were having was hers to solve. I told her even when I try to meet her halfway, she says no to things (like not wanting to hang out if I’ll be available too late, despite the fact that getting to her is a far bigger inconvenience for me). I told her I loved her but things have felt like we could be just friends as opposed to being in a relationship, and I wasn’t the one who made it that way. Because of it, I let her know on 4 occasions in the last year I thought we’d have to split because of the way she was treating me. I told her I didn’t tell her 3 of the times because 1. I didn’t want to break up with her, and 2. She made me feel like I was being inconsiderate for having emotional and physical needs when I tried talking to her about it last year. By her own admission, she initiated all of the negative changes in our relationship, through no fault of my own. She began to be upset with me, saying she never thought about leaving me, and I asked her if I was acting the same way she described herself as, wouldn’t she think I’d hate her and want to leave? I reiterated that I want her and only her, don’t want to date anyone, but she kept saying I might leave her in a month or week as soon as I changed my mind. I assured her I’m not leaving, especially after a breakthrough like this. Going forward, with this in mind it’d be easier to not take things personally or be so hurt, but the fact I went through that isn’t going to go away by itself. Presumably hurt, she told me I was just supposed to be a hookup and that if I left her she’d be so mad she lost 3 years of her life that could have been spent with other guys. I just said ok and then offered to leave. She said to give her 3 days before she comes back around. I told her I’d give her whatever space she needed, and texted her once I got back that I didn’t think her emotions were irrational at all, since I didn’t do so when I left her place yesterday.

I feel bad for making her so sad, but In reality that was the only chance I’d get to talk about where I was at. She hates talking about feelings, and has rejected the conversation any time I brought it up myself, so I did what I had to do. I guess I’m looking for perspectives on how to support her going forward, as well as your thoughts on the whole situation. Thanks!

February 13, 2022

3 minutes ago, Theninthfloor said:

as well as your thoughts on the whole situation

Going to be blunt with my thoughts: this relationship is already over.

For all intents and purposes, it's basically sucked for half the time you've been together. I am not sure why you have stuck around for so long, but it's not going to get better. She isn't that into you and it couldn't be clearer that she's just biding her time with you. She ignores you, resents you, has little interest in you. This is barely a relationship.

Where is your self-worth, my guy? Why have you set the bar so low that it's basically underground?

This isn't going to last, no matter how you slice it. It's time to find your self-respect and walk, so you can one day find a woman who likes you. This one really doesn't and is leading you around by the nose. She will let go when she happens to meet a guy that interests her. Mark my words.

February 13, 2022

This isn't about depression, this is about the relationship that has run it's course. This all started at around the year and a half mark, right? That's when the honeymoon phase ends. It can be very confusing, and is blamed on numerous things like depression, being too busy, etc. It happens naturally, the taps turn off, and the feelings disappear. Attachment is all the is left. Fear of moving on, etc. I feel she's trying to end it, but wants you to do it. That's why I think. You can give it a go and both get counselling, her on medication/therapy then figure it out from there...but this can take years.

February 13, 2022

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This isn't about depression, this is about the relationship that has run it's course. This all started at around the year and a half mark, right? That's when the honeymoon phase ends. It can be very confusing, and is blamed on numerous things like depression, being too busy, etc. It happens naturally, the taps turn off, and the feelings disappear. Attachment is all the is left. Fear of moving on, etc. I feel she's trying to end it, but wants you to do it. That's why I think. You can give it a go and both get counselling, her on medication/therapy then figure it out from there...but this can take years.

Not disagreeing with you (or the post above me, I have had all these thoughts too), but it is definitely the end of the honeymoon phase, mixed with the isolation from COVID. She’s mortified at the thought of ending it, as per her reaction yesterday, which was shocking to me. I don’t think she’d be so honest and candid with me then deny that she ever wanted to end our relationship. My plan is to give it another two or three months given our resolution/plan and see if anything improves. If not then I’ll leave for sure.

edit: when we talked, she told me she wanted me to talk to her more and try to see her more, not that she was okay with how things were. She mentioned feeling neglected in her own way, but to me it didn’t matter too much because In my mind it’s all on her to fix things since I’ve done all I can

Edited February 13, 2022 by Theninthfloor
Just furthering my point

February 13, 2022

well, first of all congratulations on the maturity you have shown (and that only being 23!). I think you and your girlfriend, but a bit less, handled this diffcult, but very useful conversation, like a pro. Most people would have done the blaming game, pointing fingers against one another.

I also think you have been incredibly patient with your girlfriend's negative bahaviour. Not so many people would have stuck around, in the face of constant rejection.

Your girlfriend needed a wake-up call. I think she needs to realise that she may lose you. You had to take this off your chest, and you did it really well.

I agree that the ball is in her court.

Given how maturely you two handled this difficult talk, it seems to me that there is still potential in this relationship. But she needs to play her part.

Hope it works.

Edited February 13, 2022 by Drone

February 13, 2022

4 minutes ago, Drone said:

well, first of all congratulations on the maturity you have shown (and that only being 23!). I think you and your girlfriend, but a bit less, handled this diffcult, but very useful conversation, like a pro. Most people would have done the blaming game, pointing fingers against one another.

I also think you have been incredibly patient with your girlfriend's negative bahaviour. Not so many people would have stuck around, in the face of constant rejection.

Your girlfriend needed a wake-up call. I think she needs to realise that she may lose you. You had to take this off your chest, and you did it really well.

I agree that the ball is in her court.

Given how maturely you two handled this difficult talk, it seems to me that there is still potential in this relationship. But she needs to play her part.

Hope it works.

Thank you so much! I’m proud of myself for how I handled it for sure, as I’m not feeling bad about myself or feeling like I pulled my punches. As far as the rejection goes I’m at my limit, but I told her I can’t be hearing no to everything anymore. If it doesn’t work out I’m past the point of being distraught if it didn’t work, but I’m hoping we can rebound

February 13, 2022

28 minutes ago, Theninthfloor said:

I let her know on 4 occasions in the last year I thought we’d have to split because of the way she was treating me. . she kept saying I might leave her in a month or week as soon as I changed my mind

Sorry this is happening. Do you both live at home? Work? Go to school? It sounds like you got in a rut. Add to that her depressed feelings.

Of course breakup threats are manipulative and erode relationships. That wasn't helping either.

It sounds like you've outgrown each other and lost interest.

Set both yourselves free so you can find someone more enthused and affectionate. She may need to attend to her mental health.

February 13, 2022

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you both live at home? Work? Go to school? It sounds like you got in a rut. Add to that her depressed feelings.

Of course breakup threats are manipulative and erode relationships. That wasn't helping either.

It sounds like you've outgrown each other and lost interest.

Set both yourselves free so you can find someone more enthused and affectionate. She may need to attend to her mental health.

We both live with our families right now. I never threatened to break up with her, I told her I thought about it while she was neglecting me without explanation. I explicitly told her I didn’t want to break up with her, just as I did when we did argue about the issue last year. I’m in a rut for sure, but she’s even worse. My mental health is okay for the most part, but I do think she needs help. She doesn’t want to break up though, and I do love her. I feel awful she’s got basically nobody to support her too, and I don’t want her feeling lonelier, especially if we have a plan to get out of it.

February 13, 2022

This relationship is dead, run its course, and you absolutely should end it. You are only 23 years old?????? This sounds like a dead, sexless relationships between 50-year-old people who have been married for 30 years. You're not supposed to be in a miserable, sexless relationship when you are 23 years old. It's baffling to me that you have stayed in this relationship for so long. So you've been together for 3 years, that means you've been together since you were 20? You haven't even had the chance to experience dating other people in the prime time when you're supposed to be doing that.

You need to BREAK UP and not waste any more time on a dead relationship which is almost certainly going to end sooner or later anyway. When a relationship is this dysfunctional, you can't force it. Face the reality that it's just not working. And I'm sorry that she's going through depression but that's still absolutely no reason or excuse to continue this.

February 13, 2022

OP, loyalty and dedication are good virtues, you've been very dedicated to this woman and you've stuck with her through all this. But it has gone to an unhealthy extreme. You're loyal to a fault, to a point where you are disrespecting yourself and staying in a situation that is detrimental to your own well-being and frankly just not fair to you. You need to look out for yourself as well and your own happiness, and staying in a miserable relationship at 23 years old is just unreasonable. Your early 20s are a precious and unique time that once it's over you will never get it back. You're supposed to be having fun. Don't rob yourself of that.

February 13, 2022

Growing up with a mother that suffers from depression...it doesn't get that much better, and definitely will never be normal. What you see is what you get forever.

February 13, 2022

Walk away from this while you still can

communication is critical in a relationship. She wasn’t communicating with you. She wasn’t having sex with you.

depression isn’t an excuse for that.

February 14, 2022

You were very patient with her. In fact, I would say you were too patient.

It's not your job to over-explain why her withdrawal is bothersome. Either she gets that or she doesn't.

I feel bad for making her so sad ... Hold on you told her your feelings. Her feeling her feelings is part of the deal. It's not your job to edit your words to her feelings--as long as you are not name-calling and as long as you are speaking your truth of things.

In fact, I wonder if this worry about "making her sad" has blocked you being dumping her soon. There is no such thing in this context as "making someone sad." Or to put it any way, it's completely irrelevant. Partners can't withhold their unhappiness out of the worry that the other person will feel sad. No one would ever have a real conversation with their partner. I think you stayed too long. Two moths into her withdrawal, you really want to make waves then.

February 14, 2022

13 hours ago, Theninthfloor said:

Context: my gf and I have been together over 3 years, and are both 23. We talk as if we’re getting married for sure, and things were amazing for the first year and a half of our relationship. Also apologies, this is going to be a long one.

Over the last 18 months, my gf has pulled away from me physically and emotionally. We haven’t had sex in over a year, and more or less every time I’ve tried to initiate anything with her she’s said no. By initiate, I’m not just talking sex. She doesn’t want to go anywhere, watch anything I want to, eat what I eat, etc. she always did reach out to me, and recently she started trying to hang out with me more frequently. Over the last 18 months, as she did this, I became more resentful, as I felt she didn’t want anything to do with me once I was actually around her. I’d often feel like I could be removed from a situation she’s in and nothing would change. It felt like I was there to drive, listen, and buy food. That romantic connection was gone, and the one time I called her out on it, she apologized, said she was overworked, and would fix it. She tried for a bit and fell back into her old habits. I’ve been so isolated in the relationship, in my eyes, because it didn’t feel like I was in one. We’d simply talk on discord, and drive around on the rare days we’d see each other. Beyond sex (although it is very important to me), there was no inclination my gf wanted me romantically. She told me to stop sending her good mornings, showed no emotion when I was around, save for a few days, showed no interest in me or what I was doing, and was just aloof about us, despite talking about our future as if she knew she wanted our future to be together.

As far as sex went though, we hit a few roadblocks, at least on the surface. We’ve been caught by cops in my car a few times, which turned her off of it (same for me, but to a lesser extent), she won’t do anything sexual in her house because she grew up there and feels weird about it, and we don’t sext as she’s in a public field and an ex who tried releasing revenge porn of her had her traumatized. I have respected each of these boundaries, and will continue to. As for getting a room, restrictions didn’t allow for that, and she has small nieces and nephews she didn’t want to get sick. I get all of that, but at the end of the day I still need to know she wants me that way, even if it can’t happen now. We did get a room once in the last year too, when we were there she barely wanted to touch me, and so I took it as she wasn’t interested in me sexually. I’ve tried to maintain my affection for her, and done the best I can to be there for her without resentment getting in the way. She’ll be the first to admit I’ve always supported her no matter what.

Today we celebrated Valentine’s Day with a special date and went out on the town and had a great night just like we used to. It was amazing and the exact type of night we needed to get back on track. We got back to her place, and she finally opened up about her depression, which I suspected she had.
She explained that a year of isolation from everyone aside from me and her family has really taken a toll on her, especially since she only has a few friends. She told me that with us, being so distant for this amount of time (we used to see each other so much more) has led to her being less connected to me in the relationship, which is why she’s been so aloof with me personally. She told me she wants to get back to where we were, but it’ll take some time, and dates for real instead of walking around Walmart.she did she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but things sucked between us for the last bit, which I agreed to. She acknowledged she’s the one that says no to everything, and asked me to make her come with me to do stuff. She’s stuck in a rut, and is feeling down. She asked if I understood why things weren’t the same, and I told her I did.

Im not the one that pulled away though, and I let her know I’d be patient and do what I can to get her out of her Rut, although of course it’s ultimately her issue to figure out. I told her to be patient with me too, as it’s been a rough year for me, and while I think her finally explaining it all to me is a great start (she never talks about her feelings, so it was genuinely great to hear her start the convo), it doesn’t eliminate the resentment I’ve built over the last year. She asked why I needed time, and so I told her honestly, since she wanted me to tell her what I meant was that this last year had been incredibly rough on me in our relationship, as I’m not the person who kept pulling away or said no to real, fun dates. I let her know being present for half our hangouts and completely indifferent the other half had me feeling like I was in limbo, and absolutely didn’t have me feeling like making an effort any more than I was. Basically I felt the ball was in her court, since any action I took was met with negativity, and so whatever issues we were having was hers to solve. I told her even when I try to meet her halfway, she says no to things (like not wanting to hang out if I’ll be available too late, despite the fact that getting to her is a far bigger inconvenience for me). I told her I loved her but things have felt like we could be just friends as opposed to being in a relationship, and I wasn’t the one who made it that way. Because of it, I let her know on 4 occasions in the last year I thought we’d have to split because of the way she was treating me. I told her I didn’t tell her 3 of the times because 1. I didn’t want to break up with her, and 2. She made me feel like I was being inconsiderate for having emotional and physical needs when I tried talking to her about it last year. By her own admission, she initiated all of the negative changes in our relationship, through no fault of my own. She began to be upset with me, saying she never thought about leaving me, and I asked her if I was acting the same way she described herself as, wouldn’t she think I’d hate her and want to leave? I reiterated that I want her and only her, don’t want to date anyone, but she kept saying I might leave her in a month or week as soon as I changed my mind. I assured her I’m not leaving, especially after a breakthrough like this. Going forward, with this in mind it’d be easier to not take things personally or be so hurt, but the fact I went through that isn’t going to go away by itself. Presumably hurt, she told me I was just supposed to be a hookup and that if I left her she’d be so mad she lost 3 years of her life that could have been spent with other guys. I just said ok and then offered to leave. She said to give her 3 days before she comes back around. I told her I’d give her whatever space she needed, and texted her once I got back that I didn’t think her emotions were irrational at all, since I didn’t do so when I left her place yesterday.

I feel bad for making her so sad, but In reality that was the only chance I’d get to talk about where I was at. She hates talking about feelings, and has rejected the conversation any time I brought it up myself, so I did what I had to do. I guess I’m looking for perspectives on how to support her going forward, as well as your thoughts on the whole situation. Thanks!

Yeah, I think she was just hurt when you mentioned the possibility of breaking up and going your own ways. But, like other commenters have stated, the relationship has run it's course. I think she probably has some things going on in her life and in her mind that has been actively pulling her away from the relationship.

Regarding sex, women emotionally bond through sex. When we are not emotionally connected to the person OR we are TRYING not to emotionally connect, we will intentionally/unintentionally not have sex with that partner anymore to distance ourselves. Everything you wrote, is almost word for word what I had gone through with an ex boyfriend 5 years ago. I was acting like your girlfriend. The reason why is because I felt the relationship ran its course and that there was no more passion/chemistry between us. But, I was also going through a lot at the time. I had just been sober for the first time in many, many years and everything was a new, uncomfortable experience for me. I just wasn't ready for a relationship being newly sober and I stopped having sex with him. I stopped planning dates. I refused to see his friends or go out on dates anymore. And when he mentioned breaking up, I panicked and begged him to stay. But, that was mainly because I was terrified of being alone again after several years of dating this man not because I wanted to marry him.

We tried to date for another month but it was toxic. We were fighting all the time, growing resentful and distrustful.

Like others said, I think she feels the relationship may have run it's course and her thoughts are showing through her actions.

February 14, 2022

4 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

Yeah, I think she was just hurt when you mentioned the possibility of breaking up and going your own ways. But, like other commenters have stated, the relationship has run it's course. I think she probably has some things going on in her life and in her mind that has been actively pulling her away from the relationship.

Regarding sex, women emotionally bond through sex. When we are not emotionally connected to the person OR we are TRYING not to emotionally connect, we will intentionally/unintentionally not have sex with that partner anymore to distance ourselves. Everything you wrote, is almost word for word what I had gone through with an ex boyfriend 5 years ago. I was acting like your girlfriend. The reason why is because I felt the relationship ran its course and that there was no more passion/chemistry between us. But, I was also going through a lot at the time. I had just been sober for the first time in many, many years and everything was a new, uncomfortable experience for me. I just wasn't ready for a relationship being newly sober and I stopped having sex with him. I stopped planning dates. I refused to see his friends or go out on dates anymore. And when he mentioned breaking up, I panicked and begged him to stay. But, that was mainly because I was terrified of being alone again after several years of dating this man not because I wanted to marry him.

We tried to date for another month but it was toxic. We were fighting all the time, growing resentful and distrustful.

Like others said, I think she feels the relationship may have run it's course and her thoughts are showing through her actions.

I believe you, and think it’s probably done too. She’s the one that keeps holding on though. She tried to ask me last night if I wanted to get a hotel room the weekend of an upcoming wedding, and always asks if I want to marry her, etc.

it’s breadcrumb after breadcrumb and I’ve given her every chance to leave without any hard feelings.

February 14, 2022

7 minutes ago, Theninthfloor said:

it’s breadcrumb after breadcrumb and I’ve given her every chance to leave without any hard feelings.

Better question is why aren't you leaving?

February 14, 2022

It sounds to me like she needs to work on her mental health and she can best do this if she is single. She is not really able to be a healthy partner for you right now.

February 14, 2022

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Better question is why aren't you leaving?

At this point I’m scared she’s gonna hurt herself if I leave, and some part of me does still love her, although I’m well aware this probably can’t be salvaged

February 14, 2022

20 minutes ago, Theninthfloor said:

At this point I’m scared she’s gonna hurt herself if I leave, and some part of me does still love her, although I’m well aware this probably can’t be salvaged

Not your responsibility. If this a real thing contact her family or friends.

February 14, 2022

2 hours ago, Theninthfloor said:

She’s the one that keeps holding on though. She tried to ask me last night if I wanted to get a hotel room the weekend of an upcoming wedding, and always asks if I want to marry her, etc.

This seems odd. You just told her your emotional/physical needs weren’t being met in the relationship, she mentioned she may be depressed and she always asks you if you want to marry her. She seems deeply insecure or needing reinforcement that you won’t leave but that is also disregarding what you just said.

This isn’t working, OP. You’re saying one thing and she’s responding with something else. You’re the one with the issue with her. End it if you’re unhappy. Don’t wait for a depressed person or someone struggling with mental health to break up with you. That makes no sense. You’d be waiting forever.

It may be painful to let each other go but staying doesn’t seem like an option.

Edited February 14, 2022 by glows

February 14, 2022

53 minutes ago, Theninthfloor said:

At this point I’m scared she’s gonna hurt herself if I leave, and some part of me does still love her, although I’m well aware this probably can’t be salvaged

This is absolutely not a reason to stay with someone. Her mental health is not your responsibility and you need to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. If she threatens to "hurt herself" then you call her parents or the police, to let them handle it, and then block her.

February 14, 2022

Yes, triple ditto the previous folks.

If you are dating someone who you fear will harm themselves if you speak your truth or you break up, that means you are dating someone who is not competent to date.

Look, I have a history of depression in my family. You are not responsible for her mental health. The first qualification for dating someone is that the person is solid, able to take care of themselves. If a breakup leads them to suicide, you are not the cause. They had depression that was untreated apparently. Depression turns all ups and downs of life--including little bumps--into crises.

The moment you think someone will harm themselves if you break up with them, that's the moment you immediately start ending the relationship. They are not ready to date. My ex was like this and I was foolish in staying way too long. After a certain point, I could ask her, "Hey, I thought you were going to stop by the grocery store today. You said you would." And she'd feel suicidal over that. That's when I knew I had to leave.

Part of being human is the ability to experience sadness. If you can't experience sadness and disappointment--and survive--then you cannot experience happiness and joy either. So next time, you need to check for the basics: is this person stable and capable of dating and capable of going through the ups and downs of dating life.

February 15, 2022

19 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So next time, you need to check for the basics: is this person stable and capable of dating and capable of going through the ups and downs of dating life.

This statement is brilliant. In today's climate this question is the most important one to ask yourself before getting involved with someone. If the answer is no due to mental illness or something else then it should be a hard pass on that person.

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my GF and I just told each other how we've felt, and she's pretty hurt by it

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