Is this an EA or close friendship ?

February 13, 2022

Pardon this long post.

I’ve known a man at work for almost 8 years- MM. I’m divorced with a kid, many years. Before last year, we were not close and I would have regarded him as a close acquaintance. However he liked chatting to me to the extent that some of my colleagues thought he had a thing for me. There was also body language and eye contact if those can be counted. I thought he could have found me attractive but I was not interested and found the long conversations he had with me a tad boring

Sometime in end 2019 we started chatting a bit more but when he started seeking me out at company functions to chat, I instinctively avoided him. Something in me told me this was not gonna work- I don’t know why I had this thought as he was and is never inappropriate. Our chats were also not personal . He noticed this “avoidance” and surprisingly, or not, he became very cold, icy cold to me. I was shocked that he noticed I avoided him and even more so, that he had such a sharp reaction.

fast forward to mid 2021 - by which time we had already begun working from home. We got each other’s numbers for work matters and soon discovered that we had mutual interests - love of art and literature. He started showing me his art each time he did a new piece and pretty soon he started texting me on non work matters and on a few occasions, during non work hours .
we have gotten very close as friends and formed a bond. Work wise, he has helped me a lot and I regularly go to him for help as he is an expert on matters which I am not. All this has us becoming really close friends .
There has been nothing inappropriate spoken, no overt flirtations. However the frequency and intensity of contact has gotten me asking if this is an EA. We are in contact by text almost everyday during the work week. 80% of time it’s on art, kids, literature, work etc. We can spend one afternoon texting , sometimes much of the day. At times we would talk on the phone for work matters, then proceed to text again. He’s always very very helpful at work and I’ve been supportive of his work problems. We have not met in person in the last 2 years.

We did exchange little gifts - I gave him a notebook as a token of appreciation for his help. He reciprocated by giving me his own drawing - which was hanging in his office and that made an effort to show that it was not a big deal at all that he was giving me his own painting that he framed . The strange thing is he will do things for me without asking me then proceed to tell me that it was nothing special. On an occasion, he also said he was fond of me - totally unsolicited- but that he was also fond of my other colleagues. I don’t know where that came from as I never asked how he felt about me or anyone else.

I’m catching feelings and can feel he’s starting to care for me, at least as a friend. He does mention his wife but does not complain about her. He also seems to know a lot about my personal life although I’ve not hitherto told him much. Whenever I contact him about work, he will “use the opportunity” to talk about non work matters

The thing that has me asking if this is an EA is the frequency and intensity at which he contacts me by text. We have a mental connection as we share some interests which we don’t share with many people.

We can text for hours - it’s been happening consistently for the past 5 months!. I’ve not asked him if his wife knows . We’ve never “confessed” to each other. I’m trying now, to stay away. I’ll be honest, I won’t say I’m throwing myself at him but I should be setting firm boundaries whixh I don’t think I am by entertaining and participating in chats on non-work matters.

Is this / is this becoming an EA? I’m sure I’m filling some Kind of gap in his life and vice versa. Note that he’s not suggested meeting up as we are still working from home during this pandemic. We both do not go out much. However recently, I noticed he’s been calling me on the phone more and some chats now continue to early part of the night

February 13, 2022

There is no such things a close friendship with another woman’s husband. How would you feel if your husband was constantly texting and calling another woman every night to talk, giving her gifts, etc… would you have a problem with the fact that he has a “close friendship” with another woman or would it make you very uncomfortable?

I think you have answered your own question - you think the frequency of contact is too much, it is secret (ie, his wife does not know), and it’s getting more personal (you have exchanged gifts), and you feel like you need to stay away from the man. I say - trust your instinct. If it feels inappropriate, or is inappropriate.

Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB

February 13, 2022

29 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

I’ve known a man at work for almost 8 years- MM. I’m divorced with a kid, many years. Work wise, he has helped me a lot and I regularly go to him for help as he is an expert on matters which I am not. We have not met in person in the last 2 years. He does mention his wife but does not complain about her.

He's a work colleague. You seem to have a crush on him . However he clearly states he is happily married and does nothing that is unprofessional or inappropriate.

You seem isolated and lonely. It would be best to get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. You can't count on this as an imaginary affair/romance.

February 13, 2022

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's a work colleague. You seem to have a crush on him . However he clearly states he is happily married and does nothing that is unprofessional or inappropriate.

You seem isolated and lonely. It would be best to get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. You can't count on this as an imaginary affair/romance.

I have been divorced many years and am generally doing well- I love my independence and have a very good support network. I can handle being alone the rest of my life if that what’s it would be. Thanks for your advice on dating apps- I’ve done it very briefly in the past (only to get over someone else) and it’s not something I am interested in, at all. I find the small talk tiring and boring. Yes I have developed a crush on him but I don’t think it’s all in my imagination. In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all.

February 13, 2022

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is no such things a close friendship with another woman’s husband. How would you feel if your husband was constantly texting and calling another woman every night to talk, giving her gifts, etc… would you have a problem with the fact that he has a “close friendship” with another woman or would it make you very uncomfortable?

I think you have answered your own question - you think the frequency of contact is too much, it is secret (ie, his wife does not know), and it’s getting more personal (you have exchanged gifts), and you feel like you need to stay away from the man. I say - trust your instinct. If it feels inappropriate, or is inappropriate.

You nailed it. Emotional infidelity would be worse , in my books, compared to physical infidelity alone or one night stands. Hence my question here… Thanks, you make a lot of sense (which I seem to be losing )

Edited February 13, 2022 by VolubleArmour

February 13, 2022

Since you already started to have feelings for him, keep the chats to a minimum if not end them entirely. You’ll have to replace that void in your life with something else so stay busy and productive and focus on your other friendships.

I would not spend time or energy asking yourself what you mean to him or what he thinks. The issue is you being too wrapped up with the interactions and leaning on him emotionally.

Edited February 13, 2022 by glows

February 13, 2022

22 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

I have developed a crush on him but I don’t think it’s all in my imagination. In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together.

That's ok. Just continue to be professional. Pull back from all the personal chitchat. He's married and not suggesting in any manner whatsoever that he wants an affair. In fact you have not even seen each other in person for 2 Years because of the work from home situation.

February 13, 2022

42 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all.

You know what you are doing is inappropriate.

Nothing wrong with saying 'I think we should keep our communication professional regarding work related things only, and stop the personal chats as it's inappropriate considering you are married.'

If he reacts badly or doesn't like it, that's his problem, not yours, you carry on with life without giving it a second thought.

Stop wasting your life crushing on a married man, when there are plenty of single men out there.

February 13, 2022

2 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

I’m catching feelings

Then it's time to dial this back, regardless of whatever we might call it.

Stop responding so frequently or so promptly. Don't entertain conversations that are unrelated to work. You two many indeed be filling voids in each other's lives but it's going to get messy if you don't do the right thing now.

February 14, 2022

Your concerns spoken on this blog speak to the inappropriateness of the situation. Obviously, it's uncomfortable for you. If he's starting to get "personal", well that is unprofessional

Many men who start affairs are happily married (some are not). He is getting too close and it indicates he's grooming you for something intimate. His next step will be to get you alone, knowing you are fully comfortable with him. He will test things by accidently touching you or giving a hug. Then watching your response. He's hoping for a green light.

These men are very crafty. They start up purely platonic friendships, and gradually get personal. Since you already have this friendship bond, it's likely you won't make a fuss about a little hug or brush of his hand.

I'm sorry to be a downer here. He's playing you. I've been in your exact situation. You now have feelings for him - which I'm sure he's counting on.

Walk away from this personal relationship. Keep it strictly professional.

February 14, 2022

You have feelings. It does not matter what he feels, what his intentions are, etc. All that matters is you have developed feeling and unless you want to deal with heartbreak, it is time to put some distance between the two. The man is married... and in most of these situations, if an affair is started, it turns out horribly for the OW. Time to back away slowly for your own good.

February 14, 2022

20 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

I have developed a crush on him . In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together.

It seems like it's filling a void. Almost like the loneliness and isolation in general and since working from home,has led to this.

It's not an affair. It's that you're doing more small talk about your personal lives, perhaps out of boredom, isolation and that you both are working from home now.

There's nothing to indicate that he's inappropriate, looking for an affair or interested in romance. It sounds like you both need a friend to talk to.

He's crystal clear that he's happily married, so it's a crush borne of a void for you.

February 15, 2022

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like it's filling a void. Almost like the loneliness and isolation in general and since working from home,has led to this.

It's not an affair. It's that you're doing more small talk about your personal lives, perhaps out of boredom, isolation and that you both are working from home now.

There's nothing to indicate that he's inappropriate, looking for an affair or interested in romance. It sounds like you both need a friend to talk to.

He's crystal clear that he's happily married, so it's a crush borne of a void for you.

Thanks for your replies but someone who’s crystal clearly in a happy marriage has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? Actively seeks out friendship consistently for 5 months ?? Conversations like this should be with the wife and not another female friend.It’s not opened for me to judge the state of his marriage neither am I saying he’s actively seeking an affair (I don’t think he is) but I don’t think this is a one sided thing. It’s also not surprising for some kind of bond to develop over the course of a few months with constant communication, platonic or otherwise. Obviously there’s a void for both. Nonetheless, it’s inappropriate for too many reasons. I get that but I don’t buy this “I’m happily married and therefore it’s only the woman throwing herself at me “ nonsense.

Edited February 15, 2022 by VolubleArmour

February 15, 2022

If I may - don’t make the assumption that men and women think or act alike - they don’t.

It’s a well known pattern on this site - woman is unhappy and missing something in her marriage. She turns to another to fill the void and often gets very emotionally involved in this new relationship. In some cases, she seeks to replace one relationship for the other. Men are often content in their relationships but looking for a little extra - attention, excitement, affection, sex. He may be unhappy in his relationship or he may well be happily married and still entertaining himself with a relationship on the side. The two relationships may mutually exist in a way that many women find difficult to understand.

Edited February 15, 2022 by BaileyB

February 15, 2022

OP, what it seems you REALLY wanted to ask is do we believe he wants to have an affair with you.

February 15, 2022

8 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters?

If you are coworkers working from home he has to communicate with you. If it's non work chitchat that's ok.

You haven't seen each other in person for years so there's no risk of this going anywhere.

When he's not on work calls he's spending time with his wife and family.

Try to find connections to people after work and especially someone you can talk to.

February 15, 2022

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

Is this / is this becoming an EA?

Do you want it to be? I think it's all in your hands at this point. You can stop it, or you can intensify it. Yor choice. You have little to no influence on what he's doing or thinking. We're no mind readers.

I am getting the impression, though, simply by reading your OP, and the overall sound of it, that what you want is to take this further, intensify it, develop an EA, and maybe more. You have already "caught feelings". He may or may not be unhappy in his marriage. We don't know this. You don't know this. His wife may be unaware of your communication, or she might read along. We don't know this, either. She might not be the jealous type, she might think you're just a friendly coworker, or she might simply not care. His wife could be his best friend whom he shares everything with. Or not. We don't know this.

Would he take it further, if you are ready and willing to take it further? Here, too, the odds are 50:50. He might be of the opinion that his daily exchange is just friendly banter with a workfriend, to make the boring workday at the home office less boring. He could take the dog for a walk just as well, but it's cold outside. So he spends his time chatting with whoever's available. So all you can do is speculate, nothing more, and adjust your behavior to your believes and your intentions. What outcome do you want? What's your intention? These are the things you can control. You can keep it strictly business, if that's what you want. It's totally your choice. The way he reacts and behaves is not.

Edited February 15, 2022 by Pumpernickel

February 15, 2022

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

I won’t say I’m throwing myself at him but I should be setting firm boundaries whixh I don’t think I am by entertaining and participating in chats on non-work matters.

Then why aren't you setting firm boundaries. You know how you feel and what you're doing is inappropriate with a MM so why do you continue to do this?

February 15, 2022

[ ]

the great thing is that you seem to really have your head screwed on right and are checking in with yourself (and LS forumites :-)) how to proceed now that you've caught feelings. Further, you seem to be just as happy staying uncoupled if nothing satisfactory show up, so props for that. Just slowly tone it down to the extent that you are comfortable it being 99.99999...% platonic. If that means drastically reducing contact at some point and for some time, so be it.

You mentioned however that from a past experience when you were just work acquaintances he became cold to you when you didn't reciprocate to his satisfaction. This is highly unattractive and manipulative, and he has no place for such audacity of either feelings or actions. Keep that in mind as you further evaluate how much you want him present in your life. Whatever you do, and I'm sure you're already on it, do not fan the 'feelings' flame, as he doesn't seem to be setting the stage for anything to develop at all, and the ball is totally in his court.

[ ]

Edited February 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

February 15, 2022

On 2/13/2022 at 6:37 AM, VolubleArmour said:

He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all.

Of course he would - he's your work colleague. Ignoring / blocking him would be completely unprofessional.

Get your boundaries in order. You have friends and a solid network in your personal life; go there for your friendship needs. Stop engaging on a personal level with this man.

February 15, 2022

If I were you, I would put all your cards out on the table by #1 - asking him if his wife is aware of how often the two of you talk and whether she's okay with that and #2 - telling him that you want to keep it professional. That being said, two of my best male friends work with me in my office. We text each other outside of work. One of them is married and the other has a girlfriend. I know their significant others and include them in the text conversations quite often. There is absolutely no danger of crossing a line or being inappropriate.

In your case, you already admitted to catching feelings for him, so unless you want this to blow up in your face, I would definitely put your cards on the table and if you cannot maintain a platonic friendship with him (and perhaps include his wife), then you should scale back to only work-related communications.

February 15, 2022

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

We have not met in person in the last 2 years. I’m catching feelings and can feel he’s starting to care for me, at least as a friend. We can text for hours - it’s been happening consistently for the past 5 months.

It's ok to be friendly with opposite sex coworkers. Most coworkers chitchat about things other than work.

People feel isolated and bored working from home. You're just texting.

And you need to because you still work together, even though there has been no in-person workplace (or any other place) contact in 2 years.

He's just being friendly. It's ok to have a crush but round your life out a bit more.

Edited February 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

February 16, 2022

This thread has had a clean up of content which is bickering and also content which is disrespectful to the OP.

February 16, 2022

On 2/14/2022 at 10:03 PM, VolubleArmour said:

Thanks for your replies but someone who’s crystal clearly in a happy marriage has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? Actively seeks out friendship consistently for 5 months ?? Conversations like this should be with the wife and not another female friend

As others have pointed out, don't make this assumption. You say he should have this conversation with another female friend, what makes you believe he doesn't see you as another female friend? He may or may not be interested in you. Who knows. But do not make the assumption that because he is spending so much time texting you that he must be in an unhappy relationship. Read these boards and you'll find many women who have made this same mistakes. Ones that are fully in affairs with men confessing their love, but when push comes to shove, he stays exactly where he wants to be.

He could be bored and reaching out to anyone who will chat with him. We know men don't like to spend much time chatting with each other unless in person. You could be just filling in his boredness. His wife could be busy. I'm fully in love with my soon to be husband. We don't spend all day texting. When he calls on his way home from work, we spend about 5 minutes on the call because there just isn't too much to talk about. We spend our life together, we know each other in and out, we know all the stories, etc. Women seem to get caught up in this "well, he texts me all day long, even when home" as if that means something. Do you understand how easy it is to send a text. Imagine being the woman he texts while he is sitting on the toilet? That is what that sort of texting it is reduce to. Or when the wife walks out of the room to tend to the children or whatever house tasks.

Maybe he has feelings and wants to pursue it more. But what does that mean? Many of men cheat in a perfectly happy marriage. Meaning... they have zero desire to leave their wives. Their marriage is exactly how they want it. But... what they want is the little side piece. Something different. Affairs bring a new spice to lives. (And a whole lot of pain when it all falls apart... more so than typical, normal break ups). Don't fall into the trap of thinking that his marriage must be bad and if your bond is strong enough, then obviously he will leave his marriage for you. Most men just desire something a little different in addition to not instead of. It isn't an either/or... it's an AND thing.

But as I stated before, right now, it is just easier to put the breaks on this before you find yourself in a world of hurt and looking/feeling the fool.

February 21, 2022

On 2/15/2022 at 9:59 PM, Starswillshine said:

OP, what it seems you REALLY wanted to ask is do we believe he wants to have an affair with you.

Yes, that was one of the questions- I'm not an expert on man nor extra marital affairs. . Nothing wrong with asking that and it seems I am judged for even entertaining that question. Thanks for all the comments and I’m sure everyone means well- but it seems I am insular, having a huge void in my life (doesn’t matter that I have enjoyed 7 good years as an independent single mum with a good job and caring friends) , in need of online dating (which I abhor as it’s so inorganic , to be frank, but thank you ), not setting enough boundaries (although I try not to entertain calls at night or on weekends and hv not been “flirtatious” at all - I need to work with him, for goodness sake). Self deluding myself into thinking that this man may possibly be wanting an emotional affair - I mean, his actions don’t matter, only if he verbally admits to wanting an affair. Even considering this question makes me a fool and a harlot- never mind that I’ve not done anything in person nor admitted nor even hinted to him at this crush. It seems as though I’m guilty of throwing myself at a man who is happily married just by wondering and having “feelings” .

Yes I now have a crush on a married man and yes, if things were different, I would have wanted to date him. But he’s married and I know that and nothing good can come out of it . Please know that nothing has taken place- boundaries are in place, both from him and also me - yes I have those too . Otherwise, we would have long thrown ourselves at each other . Thanks, I have all the answers I needed . [ ]

For those who are trying so hard to warn me of potential heartbreak and who really mean well - thank you, really - very much appreciated.

Edited February 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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