How can I ever find love?

[Ryan_B]

Hello. I've posted on here before in the past but things just never seem to go "right" for me!

So I've been separated from my wife since July 2020 and the divorce proceedings are going well and will be finalised shortly I'm hoping (it's just the formalities and paper work that needs to be done).

I have two young daughters (aged 5 and 3) who (after court hearings etc) I have with me three weekends out of every four, aswell as every Wednesday night. I absolutely love having them and they are the number one priorities in my life.

However, having them for most weekends makes it almost impossible for me to meet people and to date. I hate being alone and get really lonely. Last year I did have a few dates with two or three women, one if which I really liked and wanted to try and take things forward with, but it was just so hard to find the time to see her, especially as she had children aswell. 

I have recently been talking to a girl from a Facebook group (it's a local singles, friendship and dating page for my city in England). She also has children and had them just about all the time. On Friday, she managed to ask her mum to have the children for the evening, so we managed to meet up (this is my weekend where I don't have the girls). We went out for dinner and then came back to mine for a while, where we just cuddled up and spoke for hours. It was a really lovely evening. The trouble is, I don't think I'll be able to see her again for weeks and weeks, and that's too long really as when I'm dating a girl, I like to see her once a week atleast as if not, it seems a bit pointless as nothing serious could ever come if it. 

My ex wife has been living with her new guy since about 6 weeks after she left me. I'd never take her back even if she split with him and asked me, but I get so jealous of what they have. My girls tell me how much "mummy and *****(his name) love each other very much" and how they all go out for "family" days etc. I'm so jealous of her having that love, living with him, being happy. This time if the year is horrible with valentine's Day being tomorrow, as I just imagine the two of them together, all loved up, no doubt being very "close" tomorrow night etc, and I can't stand it, as here I am seemingly with no chance if ever truly experiencing anything like that again. I don't know what to do or how to have any kind of happiness in my life, as it just seems impossible. I just want what my ex has, but that will never happen again!

[Wiseman2]

Take your time and be patient. Many people are leery of people who are still married and in the throes of divorce.

The best thing you can do is get your life as organized as possible. Focus on co-parenting and being the best single dad you can be.

t will be extremely difficult to date with the custody schedule you chose. 3 entire weekends a month doesn't leave you much time to date.

Perhaps when the dust settles, you can renegotiate the custody terms to something more equitable.

 

 

[chillii]

So your ex left you, and where were your children while she's left their daddy only to move in with some new man 6wks later ? l can see why you wouldn't want her back that's for sure .

Your situation now , yeah , l did it for yrs. 4 of those l didn't even want another relationship anyway for a longgg time. lt doesn't sound like you just wanna have fun, but if you did , l know it's not a lot of time but you still have plenty of nights in the wk left for ONS or whatever. Anything serious , well even this one your seeing now, might be workable, she has kids to she should be understanding and in the same boat and others will too. You can survive seeing ea other whenever you can for a yr or two and if it turned really serious you could maybe live together your kids hers , l dunno. But l met women in the same sitch. Goes with the territory they aren't all like your ex.

 

Edited February 13, 2022 by chillii

[Ryan_B]

47 minutes ago, chillii said:

So your ex left you, and where were your children while she's left their daddy only to move in with some new man 6wks later ? l can see why you wouldn't want her back that's for sure .

Your situation now , yeah , l did it for yrs. 4 of those l didn't even want another relationship anyway for a longgg time. lt doesn't sound like you just wanna have fun, but if you did , l know it's not a lot of time but you still have plenty of nights in the wk left for ONS or whatever. Anything serious , well even this one your seeing now, might be workable, she has kids to she should be understanding and in the same boat and others will too. You can survive seeing ea other whenever you can for a yr or two and if it turned really serious you could maybe live together your kids hers , l dunno. But l met women in the same sitch. Goes with the territory they aren't all like your ex.

 

When she left me, she first moved in with her parents and took the children with her. She wouldn't let me see them (for absolutely no reason other than to spite me and to hurt me, again, I don't know why as I hadn't done anything wrong, it was her who was talking to other guys and trying to arrange secret dates with them while she was with me!). So I took her to court and got the custody that I've been given. 

Im not really one for wanting just fun. I'd love to find something serious and find true love, as that's what I really crave. I hate being alone most nights, it's not about sex, it's the company, intimacy of having that one person to talk too and to just cuddle up with and enjoy my time with that I miss. I don't know how I'll ever get that again in my life though

[Ryan_B]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take your time and be patient. Many people are leery of people who are still married and in the throes of divorce.

The best thing you can do is get your life as organized as possible. Focus on co-parenting and being the best single dad you can be.

t will be extremely difficult to date with the custody schedule you chose. 3 entire weekends a month doesn't leave you much time to date.

Perhaps when the dust settles, you can renegotiate the custody terms to something more equitable.

 

 

The woman I saw on Friday night is still married, even though they separated 3 years ago, she can't afford the divorce so they've never bothered with going ahead with it. It's a lot more common than you'd think, so the fact I'm not technically divorced yet doesn't really change anything. 

Also, in terms of the custody, the courts (and I) felt that the girls are better off seeing me as much as possible as my ex (their mum) can't cope by herself with the girls and often palms them off to her parents, and she sometimes puts more focus into her boyfriend rather than the girls, so it's best for the children to spend time with atleast one parent who will put them first, so I'd not want to change the schedule to be honest. No matter how unhappy I am with my life, I'd never want the girls lives to be affected, so I do all I can for them. 

Some single parents have their kids 24/7 and still manage to date and meet people, find love, even re-marry etc, but I just don't know how they manage it, but that's what I would love to happen!

[chillii]

1 hour ago, Ryan_B said:

When she left me, she first moved in with her parents and took the children with her. She wouldn't let me see them (for absolutely no reason other than to spite me and to hurt me, again, I don't know why as I hadn't done anything wrong, it was her who was talking to other guys and trying to arrange secret dates with them while she was with me!). So I took her to court and got the custody that I've been given. 

Im not really one for wanting just fun. I'd love to find something serious and find true love, as that's what I really crave. I hate being alone most nights, it's not about sex, it's the company, intimacy of having that one person to talk too and to just cuddle up with and enjoy my time with that I miss. I don't know how I'll ever get that again in my life though

So sorry man , you must have been through hell .

On a brighter note yeah didn't think you'd be into just some fun butttt. look l met women in these situations they don't have any more time than you if they're good mothers so you just work it anyway you ea can. Even if you only see ea other one night a wk until you figure it out it is doable with just having ea other and the knowing . Play it by ear , maybe even this one you've met is possible . Wouldn't worry too much myself about the actual divorce being through, main thing is your not a rebound and your both well past your ex's and ready.

Edited February 13, 2022 by chillii

[glows]

3 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

The trouble is, I don't think I'll be able to see her again for weeks and weeks, and that's too long really

Please don’t get ahead of yourself. You’re creating doomsday apocalyptic scenarios in your mind after only meeting with one woman from Facebook singles once. Is it possible to meet with her for dinner during the week? If not, why not? 

Dating with young kids is difficult so be patient. You also know that until you’re completely divorced, signed, sealed and delivered by the judge or court, you’ll be attracting people who are also not yet divorced or completely available. It’s a process so just be patient. Congratulations on filing for divorce and hopefully it’s finalized soon. 

[Ryan_B]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Please don’t get ahead of yourself. You’re creating doomsday apocalyptic scenarios in your mind after only meeting with one woman from Facebook singles once. Is it possible to meet with her for dinner during the week? If not, why not? 

Dating with young kids is difficult so be patient. You also know that until you’re completely divorced, signed, sealed and delivered by the judge or court, you’ll be attracting people who are also not yet divorced or completely available. It’s a process so just be patient. Congratulations on filing for divorce and hopefully it’s finalized soon.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to see her during the week. She has her children (she has three (they are 12 years, 8 years and 11 months old) every day and night because of issues with her exes (they are from 2 different dad's, she was with the first one for 4 years, then they split and she married the second). The dad of the older two has the children occasionally but because if his work etc, he don't get them very often at all, and the dad of the 11 month old was violent towards baby and mother so can't see the child. So she is very, very rarely "child free" (it was by pure luck the dad of the older two could have them on Friday night and her mum managed to have the youngest). But it could be over a month until we are both free together to see each other again. 

On the divorce part, on my dating site profiles, I have actually changed my "status" to divorced, as it's pretty much done and dusted, just a couple of things to sort out but it's been quite straight forward and calm, unlike the child access cases were! I just see couples everywhere and feel really jealous, and Luke I've failed my life because I'm all alone and not wanted, and I can't see it ever changing. I sit at home and look at the other end of the sofa and dream of having someone there with me! 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Ryan_B said:

Unfortunately, I won't be able to see her during the week. She has her children (she has three (they are 12 years, 8 years and 11 months old) every day and night because of issues with her exes (they are from 2 different dad's, she was with the first one for 4 years, then they split and she married the second). The dad of the older two has the children occasionally but because if his work etc, he don't get them very often at all, and the dad of the 11 month old was violent towards baby and mother so can't see the child. So she is very, very rarely "child free" (it was by pure luck the dad of the older two could have them on Friday night and her mum managed to have the youngest). But it could be over a month until we are both free together to see each other again. 

On the divorce part, on my dating site profiles, I have actually changed my "status" to divorced, as it's pretty much done and dusted, just a couple of things to sort out but it's been quite straight forward and calm, unlike the child access cases were! I just see couples everywhere and feel really jealous, and Luke I've failed my life because I'm all alone and not wanted, and I can't see it ever changing. I sit at home and look at the other end of the sofa and dream of having someone there with me! 

I suggest you be more honest on your dating profiles. Unless you are actually divorced do not state that you are. Don’t let your longing for love cloud your mind and manipulate the situation. It is not done and dusted until you’re holding the signed and stamped divorce certificate in your hand. You will run the risk of being very dishonest and a potential romantic interest resenting you once everything comes out in the wash and the dates of your divorce procedure come to light. You may be consumed with finding your next love but the real test is in maintaining that relationship and the worst thing to do is to start off with lies. 

Slow down and appreciate what you have. Practice gratitude in little and big ways - your health, the health of your kids, their joy in your life and your interests and hobbies. Try not to appear so desperate and hungry as it will come back to haunt you. 

You’ll get through this the same way many others have. It’s a long road but well worth it. Value your freedom and be choosy with your company and dates. You may find dating someone without kids more feasible but you won’t attract single and available women with lies and you definitely won’t maintain a relationship based on dishonesty. Go easy and take your time with this.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Ryan_B said:

On the divorce part, on my dating site profiles, I have actually changed my "status" to divorced. I sit at home and look at the other end of the sofa and dream of having someone there with me! 

You have very limited time to date if you have your children most weekends in addition to a weeknight.

It's understandable you crave a relationship again, but lying on a profile won't help.

[Ryan_B]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have very limited time to date if you have your children most weekends in addition to a weeknight.

It's understandable you crave a relationship again, but lying on a profile won't help.

But people with children do get into new relationships and remarry etc. A woman I work with was married, ended up getting divorced, her ex r fused to have anything to do with their kids so she had them every single day and night, and she managed to meet someone new and has been remarried for about 15 years now, so it is possible. 41% of marriages end in divorce, a hell of a lot of those would have children, and most of those people will go onto meeting new people. I just don't know how they manage it. My ex wife for example, she met her partner and moved in with him when she was clearly still married and at the time wasn't even allowing me to have the children, so she was having them quite a lot (apart from when she'd palm them off to her mum). So I don't see how not being divorced or having children is going to put everyone off?

[smackie9]

This is not a race or a competition to find someone. Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone's experience will be different. Get yourself settled first, and take some time to adjust. It's better to fill the void with a new life with new hobbies, meeting new people, rather than with a new relationship.

[aloneagain63]

Take a Saturday afternoon and ask the potential partner to gather up all the kids and take them to a fun kids place.  Let the kids get to know each other and you have the chance to get to know their mom and the 11 month old. Until you have spent time around her kids, and time watching her interact with her kids, you won't know her.   If nothing else, invite them over for a fun quick meal, whether home cooked to take out, and let the kids play while you chat with mom and 11 month old.   Her 12 yr old might be a little elderly for mingling with 5-6 year olds but this looks like the only way you can get to know her until both of you can arrange for a night or afternoon without kids

How long were you and your ex together?    It sounds like you know enough of her history to not entertain the hopes of reconcile.  Even though you split on bad terms, it will be quite a while before you are ready to jump into another relationship.  There is nothing wrong with having a companion  to share life with as long as you remain aware of the dangers of a rebound relationship.   Rebounds can be all hot and new but they do tend to end rather quickly when the new wears off.

 

Good luck.   I have been looking for love in all of the wrong places for 20 years since D day.   Found it once again about 9 years ago but like the song says, I fell in love but she didn't

[Ryan_B]

1 hour ago, aloneagain63 said:

Take a Saturday afternoon and ask the potential partner to gather up all the kids and take them to a fun kids place.  Let the kids get to know each other and you have the chance to get to know their mom and the 11 month old. Until you have spent time around her kids, and time watching her interact with her kids, you won't know her.   If nothing else, invite them over for a fun quick meal, whether home cooked to take out, and let the kids play while you chat with mom and 11 month old.   Her 12 yr old might be a little elderly for mingling with 5-6 year olds but this looks like the only way you can get to know her until both of you can arrange for a night or afternoon without kids

How long were you and your ex together?    It sounds like you know enough of her history to not entertain the hopes of reconcile.  Even though you split on bad terms, it will be quite a while before you are ready to jump into another relationship.  There is nothing wrong with having a companion  to share life with as long as you remain aware of the dangers of a rebound relationship.   Rebounds can be all hot and new but they do tend to end rather quickly when the new wears off.

 

Good luck.   I have been looking for love in all of the wrong places for 20 years since D day.   Found it once again about 9 years ago but like the song says, I fell in love but she didn't

I had considered asking her if she'd like to go somewhere later on this week as it's half term and I have my children from Wednesday onwards, but she's made it quite clear that because of past experiences with her ex and other guys, she doesn't really want her children (especially the older two) to meet anyone new until she felt like it could be going somewhere, which I totally understand. I'm great with children and would play with hers and interact with them etc, but she just feel reserved a out new people being around them, which is fine. 

I was with my ex for 7 years (married for just three). There's no chance of any kind of reconciliation. She's been living with her new guy since September 2020, so a good 17/18 months and they are totally in love by all accounts, in fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if she had another ring on her finger before long! I've dated two or three girls since we split up, and they went quite well, apart from the awkwardness if finding time to meet! One of the girls I dated I really fell for and would have done anything to be with, but it wasn't to be sadly. I'm definitely not rebounding, I've totally gotten my ex out of my system (for the last 18 months of our marriage, I was sleeping alone on the sofa and we never kissed, cuddled, held hands or any kind of intimacy anyway, so we were basically broken up long before she left me!) But I just crave what she has. Love, companionship and a soul mate who I can spend quality time with, give myself too (not just physically but emotionally) and to just enjoy my time with. As I've said, sex is t the important thing, if it was, I'd have left my wife long before we finished or I'd have looked elsewhere to get my "fix" but I never even dreamed if doing that. I just hate being alone

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Ryan_B said:

she doesn't really want her children (especially the older two) to meet anyone new until she felt like it could be going somewhere, which I totally understand.

Absolutely. While dating, kids should not be subjected to parents dating until things are established.

She's right to protect them. Do not suggest play dates etc. it's a bad idea. As a single mother she's wise to not let random men near her kids.

As far as your situation, don't complete with your ex this much. You're trying to accelerate things because you are still competing with her situation.

[IrinaM]

can you afford an occasional babysitter?

[Ryan_B]

19 hours ago, IrinaM said:

can you afford an occasional babysitter?

Unfortunately not. My youngest daughter has complex medical issues so needs someone with her who fully understands her condition, so the only baby sitters I can use are my parents, but they both work full time so it's not always easy to ask them!

[chillii]

On 2/14/2022 at 4:49 AM, Ryan_B said:

I had considered asking her if she'd like to go somewhere later on this week as it's half term and I have my children from Wednesday onwards, but she's made it quite clear that because of past experiences with her ex and other guys, she doesn't really want her children (especially the older two) to meet anyone new until she felt like it could be going somewhere, which I totally understand. I'm great with children and would play with hers and interact with them etc, but she just feel reserved a out new people being around them, which is fine. 

I was with my ex for 7 years (married for just three). There's no chance of any kind of reconciliation. She's been living with her new guy since September 2020, so a good 17/18 months and they are totally in love by all accounts, in fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if she had another ring on her finger before long! I've dated two or three girls since we split up, and they went quite well, apart from the awkwardness if finding time to meet! One of the girls I dated I really fell for and would have done anything to be with, but it wasn't to be sadly. I'm definitely not rebounding, I've totally gotten my ex out of my system (for the last 18 months of our marriage, I was sleeping alone on the sofa and we never kissed, cuddled, held hands or any kind of intimacy anyway, so we were basically broken up long before she left me!) But I just crave what she has. Love, companionship and a soul mate who I can spend quality time with, give myself too (not just physically but emotionally) and to just enjoy my time with. As I've said, sex is t the important thing, if it was, I'd have left my wife long before we finished or I'd have looked elsewhere to get my "fix" but I never even dreamed if doing that. I just hate being alone

That's the worst thing you could do , you don't wanna be playing with her kids you don't even know her yet let alone it being anything serious.

They don't need to be playing with all of mums dates they shouldn't be near any of them.

 

 

 

 

[Ryan_B]

So last night, she text me asking if she could pop over for a couple of hours or so, but she'd be with her 11 month old girl. She came and the little girl played really nicely with my daughter's toys (my girls weren't there) and me and the mum just had a nice chat etc. It was a nice way to spend the evening and the little girl loved being somewhere new playing with different toys etc which was nice to see. The only thing about this woman, is she's a bit older than me (I'll be 30 next month and she's 5 or 6 years older) which seems a bit of a gap, but I don't know if that's just in my head or if it is too much of a gap?!

[chillii]

Yep, there ya go , these things can still be done. lt's tricky but if your both into it, it's possible.

But yeah there is a line l suppose and with that child so young l guess it's not really gonna hurt especially just here and there and just as friends in her children's eyes.

36 is ok, if it's ok, if it isn't then it isn't. How does it feel, do you feel the same or does she feel too old?

Edited February 15, 2022 by chillii

[Gaeta]

On 2/15/2022 at 4:07 AM, Ryan_B said:

 (I'll be 30 next month and she's 5 or 6 years older) which seems a bit of a gap, but I don't know if that's just in my head or if it is too much of a gap?!

5-6 years is nothing. She is mature and you will come to appreciate that in time. Women keep a high level of energy longer than men I find. I'm in my 50s and always end up dating men younger 5-6 years.