Guy I'm regularly seeing canceled plans last minute, I am panicking

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

me and him and a call of 30 mins and he simply said that maybe the trip scared him as it made us look too serious.

For context, was it you planning most of these things, and planning dates in general? Whose idea was the weekend away? 

You have said that it became somewhat of a routine to go over to his place every Friday night and stay over, as well as dinner out on Tuesday. I am curious whether the planning was mutual or if it was usually you suggesting these things and initiating. 

 

[Amanda141]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For context, was it you planning most of these things, and planning dates in general? Whose idea was the weekend away? 

You have said that it became somewhat of a routine to go over to his place every Friday night and stay over, as well as dinner out on Tuesday. I am curious whether the planning was mutual or if it was usually you suggesting these things and initiating. 

 

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. Why? Because of the need of reassurance and wanting to know that he likes me. I just couldn't help it. I even have to say I cried on the phone with him earlier. He told me there isn't any other girl, it's just he didn't feel like going on. The weekend was 100% my idea, because I have never had a trip with a guy so I was so eager to finally have on that I blew it. He said that he likes me but started to have doubts. He's a nice guy and I appreciate he talked to me on the phone for half an hour. I just feel stupid cause I bought him a present for VDay, just some chocolates, nothing special, but I was really looking forward to it.

Imagine that you want one thing so hard, you almost get it... but then poof. My fear of ruining everything, literally ruined everything. The thing is that until Friday, I was totally not expecting it. The last 2 guys who broke up with me had reasonable explanations: one had just lost his mother and wasn't feeling like dating anyone in general, while the other one was older than me and was dating to marry, unlike myself. But with him... all was perfect. We were acting like a couple: texting everyday, watched Emily in Paris and many movies together, cooking together, texting 50-50... it sounded too good to be true, and I let myself be transported by it. My telephone call with him was pathetic. That angel of my flatmate was with me and listened to it and said that basically I was praying him to tell me a reason and to give me another chance. He said that it's not my fault, it just happens... but why it happens? for my fear of losing him. Now that I recognise the patter that makes me lose guys, I need to address it with the help of a specialist, cause I am really clueless

Edited February 13, 2022 by Amanda141

[Kamille]

I'm sorry to read the update, but still proud of you for reaching out. That showed maturity on your part and, even though he replied that he felt ambivalent and chose to end things, now at least you have an answer. You're free to move on to someone else who will reciprocate. 

I was in therapy for years for attachment issues, where I learned to be upfront about my wants and needs. As I did so, the men I dated switched from being commitment-phobes to being interested in relationships. It got easier to deal with the rejections (it wasn't about me; they were not looking for the same thing I was) and easier to appreciate the men who would make good partners.  So yes, if you have time and money, therapy is a great tool to help you feel more secure and eventually find what you want. 

Take care of yourself, feel your feelings but don't be too harsh on yourself and treat yourself today and tomorrow. 

 

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, Kamille said:

I'm sorry to read the update, but still proud of you for reaching out. That showed maturity on your part and, even though he replied that he felt ambivalent and chose to end things, now at least you have an answer. You're free to move on to someone else who will reciprocate. 

I was in therapy for years for attachment issues, where I learned to be upfront about my wants and needs. As I did so, the men I dated switched from being commitment-phobes to being interested in relationships. It got easier to deal with the rejections (it wasn't about me; they were not looking for the same thing I was) and easier to appreciate the men who would make good partners.  So yes, if you have time and money, therapy is a great tool to help you feel more secure and eventually find what you want. 

Take care of yourself, feel your feelings but don't be too harsh on yourself and treat yourself today and tomorrow. 

 

thanks for your words. You know what makes me sad? It's that at the beginning, he told me he wanted a relationship. And his actions matched his words. I completely blew it, it was my mistake. I really need to get over these attachment issues, and only a therapist can help me. It's the best thing I can do for myself

[Drone]

Sorry to hear that you feel hurt, Amanda. Your instinct was right, there was something brewing beneath the surface.

You are bright young woman, with plans for the future and you can even cook. You have all assets to find a good man, provided he is ready for relationship. This guy is not ready for relationship, and this is not your fault. It is a pity that young women get burned like that, by men who want something light, but do not state it clearly.

The break-up is not a reflection you.

Chin up. When one door closes, another one opens for you.

[Amanda141]

I feel so empty now, usually I am always busy doing something, gym, work, reading ecc but right now I just feel like crying, annoying my friends with this story and listening to sad songs

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. Why? Because of the need of reassurance and wanting to know that he likes me. I just couldn't help it. I even have to say I cried on the phone with him earlier. He told me there isn't any other girl, it's just he didn't feel like going on. The weekend was 100% my idea, because I have never had a trip with a guy so I was so eager to finally have on that I blew it. He said that he likes me but started to have doubts. He's a nice guy and I appreciate he talked to me on the phone for half an hour. I just feel stupid cause I bought him a present for VDay, just some chocolates, nothing special, but I was really looking forward to it.

Imagine that you want one thing so hard, you almost get it... but then poof. My fear of ruining everything, literally ruined everything. The thing is that until Friday, I was totally not expecting it. The last 2 guys who broke up with me had reasonable explanations: one had just lost his mother and wasn't feeling like dating anyone in general, while the other one was older than me and was dating to marry, unlike myself. But with him... all was perfect. We were acting like a couple: texting everyday, watched Emily in Paris and many movies together, cooking together, texting 50-50... it sounded too good to be true, and I let myself be transported by it. My telephone call with him was pathetic. That angel of my flatmate was with me and listened to it and said that basically I was praying him to tell me a reason and to give me another chance. He said that it's not my fault, it just happens... but why it happens? for my fear of losing him. Now that I recognise the patter that makes me lose guys, I need to address it with the help of a specialist, cause I am really clueless

Goodness I'm nearly in tears myself reading this. 

Amanda, you sound lovely and perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

Meaning this experience has allowed you to become aware of your anxieties, fears of abandonment and constant need for reassurance, and how that pushes men away.

Awareness is the first stepped toward resolution. 

I hope you're able to find a good qualified therapist to help you unravel and resolve these issues.

I wish you the best of luck! 

Edited February 13, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

The weekend was 100% my idea

Yes, this is where it went sideways, trying to lock things down when he has been mostly casual.

However if he were invested and interested it would not have put him off. 

[Drone]

Amanda, if a man had genuine feelings for you and was ready for relationship, none of what you did would have been a deal breaker, at the contrary he would have been happy to get your attention. Your attachment to this guy and the relationship, only frustrated him, because he realised, looking at you, just how uncomitted he is. The upcoming Valentines accelerated his realisation that he is not entirely in the relationship, and he felt bad for not matching your zest. This is on him, and nothing to do with you. I really do not see what you have done so wrong.

But next time, to be able to filter the guys who are really ready for relationship, from the time-wasters like this one, just let them take the initiative. Like that you are sure that they are really into you. A man who spends his time to plan things, take you out and ask when he can see you, this is the man that shows with actions that he wants to be with you.

Your ex said that he wanted a relationship, but his actions speak of the opposite. Perhaps he only said he wanted a relationship to increase his chances to sleep with you, this is possible. 

So, stop that self-blame, it is undeserved. To me your craving for a relationship is totally understandable, given your yournf age and the fact that until now your priotiy has been studying and then finding a job. It is normal that after years of focusing on education and career advancement, a young woman is strongly motivated to find love and affection.

Edited February 13, 2022 by Drone

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

However if he were invested and interested it would not have put him off. 

I agree however if Amanda had been more relaxed about things, and not pushed as hard, he might have become more invested and interested.

 

Edited February 13, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. Why? Because of the need of reassurance and wanting to know that he likes me.

Ah. This is why I asked. 

Moving forward, give a guy that chance to show you that your interest is mutual. It's not wrong to be excited and take initiative, but you need to relax the white-knuckle grip on trying to steer things a certain way and let the man reciprocate in equal measure. And no, it might not go the way you hoped. But at least you will probably a have an idea earlier on that things aren't meshing. 

Because as I said earlier, if it's always you taking the lead, you won't really know if his interest is as high as yours of if he's just going along with it - until there's an abrupt end like there was here. 

[Amanda141]

Thanks to everyone for their time. I have to admit that writing on this forum really helps me to put things into perspective and make me feel better. I hope one day in some years I can come back here and have a laugh at all my dating catastrophes LOL

For sure it hurts, but what can I do? Unfortunately I can't command his heart, but just use this as a learning lesson. It has made me aware of many things, like my attachment issues for instance... now that I am aware, I need to face them and become a better woman!

[Weezy1973]

54 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

It's that at the beginning, he told me he wanted a relationship. And his actions matched his words. I completely blew it, it was my mistake.

Most people want a relationship, but most people you meet also won’t be a good match. Two months is not very long and many romances fizzle out. It sounds to me like he’s a very relationship oriented guy, so what he was doing with you was his “normal”. And if you haven’t really experienced it before it may have felt like it was something special. 
 

Kind of like if a guy doesn’t get flirted with much, and then a woman does, he might feel like it’s something meaningful. But if in reality that woman is just generally flirty, it doesn’t mean much. 
 

But regardless, yes find a good therapist and start discussing your abandonment issues. Likely boils down to a lack of self worth (even if you’re confident in many ways). 

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Amanda.  But like others have said, let this be a learning experience and a chance for you to recognize and break these unhealthy patterns of behavior you have that have been pushing men away.  It's important to recognize how you have been too eager in relationships, trying to make it serious too soon, and letting your insecurities and "fear of losing him" drive your behavior.  Instead of constantly initiating plans and trying to see him, take a step back and see if the man initiates things and asks to see you.  You have to listen to THEIR cues and give them a chance to pursue you.  If they don't do that, then they aren't interested in the relationship being as serious as you are, or at least not ready for it to be that serious yet.  

Don't ever, ever beg a man to give you a second chance. Don't put yourself in a position of desperation like that.  If a certain man isn't excited about you, and isn't that into you, then you accept that and walk away.  You don't need him.  Only keep people in your life who WANT to be there as much as you do.  You're very young and this is a gift that you are able to learn these things so early.  There are people in their 40s who haven't learned a thing about their unhealthy patterns and don't self-reflect like this.

[introverted1]

I just read your update.  I'm sorry.  I know you must be disappointed.  You mentioned that you are speaking with a counselor.  I think something to explore would be how you can keep your anxiety in check.  Clearly, I don't know this guy (or you) or what he was thinking, but I am wondering if your intensity (read: neediness) is part of what ran him off. I think everyone enjoys being pursued, but there's a balance that needs to be maintained.  In the beginning, especially, a little uncertainty can build attraction.  I am not suggesting game playing or multi-dating, but I think there is benefit to allowing each person do their part in advancing a burgeoning relationship, eg., he pursues some of the time, you pursue some of the time.  By being the one who is always in pursuit, you don't give him time to explore his own feelings, nor to see whether his interest is truly reciprocated.  By stepping back at times, you allow him to sometimes take the lead.  This does a couple of things:  it lets you gauge his interest level, and it makes him work (in a good way) for the relationship. I think we all value things we need to make an effort for. 

I hope you feel better soon. Call a friend, go for a run, listen to your favorite music.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

I feel so empty now, usually I am always busy doing something, gym, work, reading ecc but right now I just feel like crying, annoying my friends with this story and listening to sad songs

Go ahead and cry, let it out.  I always feel better after a good cry. 

Hugs. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

thanks for your words. You know what makes me sad? It's that at the beginning, he told me he wanted a relationship. And his actions matched his words. I completely blew it, it was my mistake. I really need to get over these attachment issues, and only a therapist can help me. It's the best thing I can do for myself

No this was not your mistake that he ended it.  As someone else said a guy who truly wanted you would have been happy to see you on Fri., Sat., and more.  He would love that you are in constant contact and if something was bothering him he would want to talk it out, instead of breaking it off.  His feelings were just not as strong as yours.  Be glad it ended sooner than later so he doesn't waste your time.  Spring is just around the corner with new beginnings.

Edited February 13, 2022 by stillafool

[Drone]

Reading through Amanda's thread, it is my impression that Amand's anxiety is not limited to relationships only. I see no traces of low self esteem though.

Amanda said that she was battling anxiety also while in university, before important exams. 

It seems like Amanda stress levels increase with regards to many things that she attaches importance to: university exams, a relationship. But anxiety does not equate low self-esteem, to the contrary I see several facts that support the conclusion that she is quite OK in this department: she succeeded to find a job right after graduation, and this is damn difficult in Europe at the moment. She certainly has ambitious goals set for her future, such as becomming a manager, and have a family with 2-3 children. She is learning a foreign language and planning to move to another counrty. She is firmly standing on her feet alone and abroad and supporting herself financially. These are not the traits of a person with low self esteem. Rather a person who pushes herself too hard to succeed, is a bit too perfectionistic, and as a result experience higher anxiety and desire to control things to reduce the anxiety.

If Amanda has an appointment with a therapist, I'd rather discuss the general anxiety issue, not exclusively related to relationship, and her need to steer/control the outcome of things. 

[Amanda141]

3 minutes ago, Drone said:

Reading through Amanda's thread, it is my impression that Amand's anxiety is not limited to relationships only. I see no traces of low self esteem though.

Amanda said that she was battling anxiety also while in university, before important exams. 

It seems like Amanda stress levels increase with regards to many things that she attaches importance to: university exams, a relationship. But anxiety does not equate low self-esteem, to the contrary I see several facts that support the conclusion that she is quite OK in this department: she succeeded to find a job right after graduation, and this is damn difficult in Europe at the moment. She certainly has ambitious goals set for her future, such as becomming a manager, and have a family with 2-3 children. She is learning a foreign language and planning to move to another counrty. She is firmly standing on her feet alone and abroad and supporting herself financially. These are not the traits of a person with low self esteem. Rather a person who pushes herself too hard to succeed, is a bit too perfectionistic, and as a result experience higher anxiety and desire to control things to reduce the anxiety.

If Amanda has an appointment with a therapist, I'd rather discuss the general anxiety issue, not exclusively related to relationship, and her need to steer/control the outcome of things. 

Thanks for your perspective, I think it's a perfect analysis! I don't have low self esteem but it's more of a general anxiety and I want to control the outcome of things.

[poppyfields]

Amanda, there's nothing bad or wrong with acknowledging mistakes.  Lord knows I've made plenty!   I've made some of the dumbest mistakes known to man, especially when in early 20s.

The good news is that's how I learned! 

Here, you acknowledge your anxieties, insecuritues, your constant need for reassurance, and how its pushed men away.  It's become a pattern. 

I think it's great you've acknowledged and seeking professional help. 

I agree had he been invested and interested this might not have mattered. 

However, because you, admittedly, pushed so hard, doing all the initiating, planning, texting due to anxiety and insecurity, he never had the opportunity to become invested and interested.  Not enough to continue on and pursue a long term relationship.

Learn from this which is what you are doing, so great for you. 

You are still so young, you are very lucky to have become aware of your unhealthy pattern while you still have your entire life ahead of you! 

Edited February 13, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

hi everyone. Unfortunately, he left me. He told me he thought about us and does not see a future. he doesnt like me enough to keep seeing me.

I'm so sorry Amanda 

You held on because you liked him and it's only human to hold on to who we love and want in our life. I don't have abandonment issues and in your place I would have worried just like you did. Your instinct was telling you something was off, and your instinct was right!  It's not about abandonment issues, it's about feeling it when something is off ! There is a huge difference between planning a night alone, and cancelling last minute. 

This is dating. We hope, we try, and it won't work until it does. Some of us have to fall many times before the right man comes along. 

Big Hug !

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. 

When you find yourself being the one organizing the dates, then remember it's because the man isn't interested enough. When you meet a man that REALLY wants to date you, you won't have anxiety or worries because that man will contact you often and he'll make plans to spend time with you even before you have time to worry about anyhing. You have to concentrate on men that give you attention!

[bene]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. Why? Because of the need of reassurance and wanting to know that he likes me. I just couldn't help it. I even have to say I cried on the phone with him earlier. He told me there isn't any other girl, it's just he didn't feel like going on. The weekend was 100% my idea, because I have never had a trip with a guy so I was so eager to finally have on that I blew it. He said that he likes me but started to have doubts.

I can empathize with you because that’s how I felt many times when I was still dating. And I never felt this anxiety with my now husband because everything just flew naturally.

Listen, you didn’t blow anything. If he wasn’t 100% into it, then he knew it all along. The sudden plans for a weekend trip probably accelerated what was bound to happen anyway. Would you have been pleased with a routine of going to his place, cooking and having sex and never progressing from there? Because he might have been happy with it indefinitely. Two months is a short time but enough to know whether he sees you as a serious prospect.

I think many women make the mistake with back pedaling when the guy is not as invested (oh, I didn’t really want a relationship, I’m ok with fwb; oh, marriage is no big deal anyway etc). Don’t be ashamed to want what you want. If he wasn’t the guy for you then so be it. There is nothing wrong with wanting a real relationship. Cry if you need to but don’t beat yourself up.

Edited February 13, 2022 by bene

[ASG]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

In my opinion, canceling plans at the last minute without making a firm date to meet up again is a cue to step back. She's already reached out twice now, the ball is in his court. I completely agree that his response or lack thereof is the response.

The guy has broken things off with the OP, but where did you get the "she reached out to him twice" bit?! 

He cancelled their plans and that was it. She didn't reach out until Sunday, which is when she was told it was over. 

@Amanda141 I think you did the right thing in reaching out and that is not why he broke up with you.

It's sad that it happened, but it just means he won't string you along anymore. 

[Beachead]

@Amanda141

7 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to be honest, it was mostly me. Why? Because of the need of reassurance and wanting to know that he likes me. I just couldn't help it. I even have to say I cried on the phone with him earlier. 

That's not a mistake OP.  That's what you're supposed to feel when you're invested in something.  We invest in the things that mean something to us and the time that we gave towards it, also means something to us.  So when it doesn't work out, ofcourse it's going to hurt.  There is nothing pathetic about taking a risk and putting yourself out there and feeling pain when it doesn't work out.  This is what being human is.

Quote

Imagine that you want one thing so hard, you almost get it... but then poof. My fear of ruining everything, literally ruined everything. The thing is that until Friday, I was totally not expecting it. The last 2 guys who broke up with me had reasonable explanations: one had just lost his mother and wasn't feeling like dating anyone in general, while the other one was older than me and was dating to marry, unlike myself. But with him... all was perfect. We were acting like a couple: texting everyday, watched Emily in Paris and many movies together, cooking together, texting 50-50... it sounded too good to be true, and I let myself be transported by it. My telephone call with him was pathetic. That angel of my flatmate was with me and listened to it and said that basically I was praying him to tell me a reason and to give me another chance. He said that it's not my fault, it just happens... but why it happens? for my fear of losing him. Now that I recognise the patter that makes me lose guys, I need to address it with the help of a specialist, cause I am really clueless 

What happened here isn't all on you.   I think if a person feels it, none of what you've described here would have mattered to him.  People can bail for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with you; their past relationships, past trauma, stage of life, environment, family and friend influences.  It all contributes to how they see himself and the world and what they believe they want or need.  It can be just as possible for you to just keep being who you are right now and having great success with the next relationship.

Just because this guy wasn't feeling it, doesn't mean the next guy won't. What this guy might have found as a shortcoming in your relationship, might be exactly what attracts the next guy you meet.  And what this guy might have found as an unattractive quality about you, the next guy might find adorable or cute or attractive or endearing etc.  This guy doesn't represent every guy out there.

That doesn't mean that you don't need to change or improve but if you do want to, just make sure you are doing it for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else but what you want for yourself.

Stay strong

- Beach

Edited February 14, 2022 by Beachead