Guy I'm regularly seeing canceled plans last minute, I am panicking

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, ASG said:

She is also devoting her Saturdays to friends. But I'll be honest, I don't see how Saturday is a better night for dating that Friday! 

Because people work all week and Friday night you feel the whole week stress and we're usually tired. He works till 7pm, so she gets to see him late, eat, go to bed.

Saturdays are relaxed! We slept in in that day, we're full of energy, we have time for outings, dinner at restaurants, etc. 

All she gets is Friday and Tuesday, after 7 pm, and after a work day.

Edited February 12, 2022 by Gaeta

[Amanda141]

Answering here to the many questions:

- We usually go on a restaurant date on the Tuesday, while on the Friday we cook at his place, watch a movie and I stay over until lunchtime Saturday

- We never see each other on Sundays, (it's actually my "me time" day of the week)

- @Wiseman2 my message would be a follow up

 

If he loses interest, the worst thing that can happen to me is that once again I'm lonely. I love my life, nice job, friends and family and I really take care about me (I am a runner and I read everyday, currently studying Spanish to get a certificate ecc. I have many hobbies! The thing is that I never had a long-term boyfriend. Reasons vary, cause I have been travelling a lot for my studies and work (I am from italy but I have lived in 5 different countries), then Corona came. Also, I used to have anxiety issues before exams (I went to therapy for that) and now that University is over I am much more calmer, but I think that anxiety shifted into the dating scene. I spoke to my flatmate about it and he said that like in unviersity sometimes this anxiety would let me focus more on the grader rather than on the learning process, now I am more focused on making sure nothing goes wrong rather than enjoy my relationship with him.

personally, I don't think he's the man of my life, but I am only 24 and I was having a great time with him, many laughs and feelings! I just hate to start over again. I feel that I just miss this part in my life, and no matter what, I seem to never get it. I have been on many dates but they all go wrong. And for someone like me, who is the most romantic girl in the world, it's very delusional. My dream is to get married one day (in like 4-5 years) and start my own family, this is even more important than my job. It's my biggest dream. But I can't manage to even keep a guy for two months. Sometimes I feel like a failure in this field

[Kamille]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an obvious way to get attention and reassurance, etc. It's also a very transparent ploy to see if he's out with someone else.

He knows it and you know it. Do not message him.

Based on what answer?  What if he is so put off by this that he finally gives up and ends it? You can't go a few hours without messaging?

He already stated "Sunday or this week is fine". Why police him now?

They've been dating for two months. Of course if she reaches out it means she's paying him attention and wants attention. I see nothing wrong with that. 

If a text such as the one @ASG suggested throws him off, than she knows he's checking out. Most likely, considering their history, he'll enjoy the thoughtfulness and find relief in knowing she's secure enough to let him have time to himself when he needs it. 

And to answer one of your last question @Amanda141, I would not bring up tomorrow's plans. Check in on how he's doing first. 

 

May I also suggest stepping away from this board as it might be amplifying your anxiety at the moment. 

Adding: you've been dating for two months and it's normal to feel vulnerable. Your brain is producing chemicals to make you feel in love right now, chemicals that make you feel withdrawal when something like this happens. Don't judge yourself too harshly for feeling anxious. 

 

[Drone]

Amanda, perhaps your being a young expat living alone abroad (since when?) contributes to your higher levels of anxiety, because you are cut off from your support system back home. If you were having a nice homey diner with your mom, sure you wouldn't have cared so much if some guy texts you, or not.

Being away from home during the pandemic, is not so easy on you.

I also guess that you do not speak German? Which makes you rely on the company of this guy to fill in a hole that is much larger than just dating.  

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, ASG said:

HER PROFILE IS STILL UP! 

She deleted the app. Maybe he's done the same. 

They haven't had the talk yet. Which I think is fair enough, in 2 months. 

And she's already said she will be bringing up exclusivity on their next date, should it happen. 

She is also devoting her Saturdays to friends. But I'll be honest, I don't see how Saturday is a better night for dating that Friday! 

 

^Took the words...  

Amanda, rigid rules like Saturday is "date night" and if a man doesn't give you Saturday nights, he's not serious, have no place in any relationship.

Such rules destroy the natural rhythm, dynamic and bond you're developing.

Every couple will have their own "rules," what works for them as a couple. 

It's still early stages, you're still getting to know each other, moving closer to each other.  

Please please please try to relax. 

You posted guys don't stick around, this may be why. 

You want this guy to stick around?  Then again contain anxiety, and try to relax. 

Be happy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

If he loses interest, the worst thing that can happen to me is that once again I'm lonely.

And while this is not pleasant, it's also not the end of the world.

You can manage it. You're so young, it is very unlikely you will be lonely for long years ahead of you. But you have yet to trust that when a man wants to be in your life, he won't need to be reminded that you exist. He will want to see you, and he will reciprocate your interest. This guy knows you want to see him. That was clear when you offered to come by yesterday anyway, even if just for a short time.

And if he isn't so into this anymore, texting him again and trying make plans again isn't going to change things. Only text him tomorrow about getting together if you think you could also handle a "no." I am not saying he will definitely decline, but it's possible. 

Would you be able to manage being turned down for the second time in 2 days? 

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, Drone said:

Amanda, perhaps your being a young expat living alone abroad (since when?) contributes to your higher levels of anxiety, because you are cut off from your support system back home. If you were having a nice homey diner with your mom, sure you wouldn't have cared so much if some guy texts you, or not.

Being away from home during the pandemic, is not so easy on you.

I also guess that you do not speak German? Which makes you rely on the company of this guy to fill in a hole that is much larger than just dating.  

Yes that's true for sure. I don't like Germany and I don't speak the language, so it's nice to spend time with someone in the same situation as me. I am living here since september 2020 because of my job (that I absolutely adore), i dont mind spending here another year but my final plan is to relocate to Spain

However, I have many friends here, but the company of a boyfriend is sth different

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

i dont mind spending here another year but my final plan is to relocate to Spaine

Then yku should not seek a serious relationship if your plan is to relocate. You're only 24. There is no rush in finding a mate. If your friends are more important then enjoy that and casually date with no goal in mine with the guy.

You don't need a man to feel whole. You have your friends, study, your job, your plans to relocate! Whi cares if this guy doesn't call back ! 

[Drone]

well, Amanda, if you are in Germany just in passing and your intention is to relocate in an year or two, then anyway your dating situation will not last. Expats' love rarely wins aginst the circumstances of living abroad. So, why toruting yourself with anxiety if realistically the chances for a long term r'ship with this guy are slim anyway, due to both your expat status?

Is he also Italian? I am asking this, because Italian dating culture is specific:  women are used to attention, compliments and plenty of contact, which for an American guy for instance may not be so obvious. 

Edited February 12, 2022 by Drone

[Amanda141]

Just now, Drone said:

well, Amanda, if you are in Germany just in passing and your intention is to relocate in an year or two, then anyway your dating situation will not last. Expats' love rarely wins aginst the circumstances in living abroad. So, why toruting yourself with anxiety if realistically the chances for a long term r'ship with this guy are slim anyway, due to both your expat status?

Is he also Italian? I am asking this, because Italian dating culture is specific: like women are used to attention, compliments and plenty of contact, which for an American guy may not be so obvious. 

He’s half french-half spanish, 28 y/o and told me he wanted a relantipship. Yes, it’s true that I am eager to relocate in a year or two, but that doesn’t mean I want hook-ups or meaningless situations. I’d like to proper date and see what could unfold   Also, in life you never know. For example, my job was supposed to be in the UK, only last minute it turned out to be Germany. That’s why I’ve learnt to yes, my plan would be to live in Spain in the future, but life is unpredictable! 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

 but life is unpredictable! 

So is dating.

You are not in the best of circumstances to seek a serious relationship. Not everyone is open to relocate for love. Stay realist.

[Drone]

7 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I’d like to proper date and see what could unfold  

You already date, so the first part of your wish is granted. For the second part "see what could unfold", you need to be more detached and internally secure, so that you let things develop organically.

 

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Guys thanks for the advice… I know my behaviour seem exaggerated but I really don’t understand this 180 U turn. This is so off, so strange… I have these fears because I had a million dates but never a long term boyfriend, and for once that I almost had it… THIS HAPPENS. It’s something that I want so bad that I’m always afraid something would happen  yesterday I was counting the hours to see him, but then… bum, that message. 
 

he didn’t even reply to my goodnight, a message that he ALWAYS replies to! 
i don’t know if he just had a bad day and wants to be left alone, I’ll try to wait for his text… 

the thing is, I have a very busy life, Just got a promotion at my full-time job, I go to the gym almost every day, I have plenty of friends, I am studying my 3rd language… HOWEVER i just can’t seem to keep a guy with me. 
 

i think I’ll go to the psychologist to discuss about this topic, cause I’m reallly tired of the same situation repeating itself. 
 

 

You said…you want this so bad…..that’s likely showing itself off as clingy or worse behavior.

 

you have only dated a few months. This is too early to meet family.  There coukd be stuff going on this weekend where he doesn’t want the stress of having a new gf with him.  It coukd be friends getting together and he wants to relax and not feel he has to watch over you or deal with the I need yo go home now stuff.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

Answering here to the many questions:

- We usually go on a restaurant date on the Tuesday, while on the Friday we cook at his place, watch a movie and I stay over until lunchtime Saturday

- We never see each other on Sundays, (it's actually my "me time" day of the week)

- @Wiseman2 my message would be a follow up

 

If he loses interest, the worst thing that can happen to me is that once again I'm lonely. I love my life, nice job, friends and family and I really take care about me (I am a runner and I read everyday, currently studying Spanish to get a certificate ecc. I have many hobbies! The thing is that I never had a long-term boyfriend. Reasons vary, cause I have been travelling a lot for my studies and work (I am from italy but I have lived in 5 different countries), then Corona came. Also, I used to have anxiety issues before exams (I went to therapy for that) and now that University is over I am much more calmer, but I think that anxiety shifted into the dating scene. I spoke to my flatmate about it and he said that like in unviersity sometimes this anxiety would let me focus more on the grader rather than on the learning process, now I am more focused on making sure nothing goes wrong rather than enjoy my relationship with him.

personally, I don't think he's the man of my life, but I am only 24 and I was having a great time with him, many laughs and feelings! I just hate to start over again. I feel that I just miss this part in my life, and no matter what, I seem to never get it. I have been on many dates but they all go wrong. And for someone like me, who is the most romantic girl in the world, it's very delusional. My dream is to get married one day (in like 4-5 years) and start my own family, this is even more important than my job. It's my biggest dream. But I can't manage to even keep a guy for two months. Sometimes I feel like a failure in this field

im curious…..I don’t know how it is in Europe…but here in the USA I’d be turned off by a woman who’s goals in life was to be a mom and not work for a living.  In USA society economic success now are driven by a two person earning household income.

 

another issue is if you say your dream is to move and live in XXX.  Not everyone feels the same.  Most generally stay near their home area.  If you come off as being here only a short time you are going to turn off many yo are dating to why bother investing time in her if she is going to move.

Edited February 12, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[ASG]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No. 

He said to postpone to next week the last time you spoke, no? So don't text him this tomorrow. Stop chasing. 

Let him come to you or you are going to make yourself look clingy. 

They did say Sunday or next week. 

So it wouldn't be out of line to ask about meeting tomorrow. 

 

[Amanda141]

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

im curious…..I don’t know how it is in Europe…but here in the USA I’d be turned off by a woman who’s goals in life was to be a mom and not work for a living.  In USA society economic success now are driven by a two person earning household income.

 

another issue is if you say your dream is to move and live in XXX.  Not everyone feels the same.  Most generally stay near their home area.  If you come off as being here only a short time you are going to turn off many yo are dating to why bother investing time in her if she is going to move.

Yeah I agree but I normally don’t share this info, and also being a mother and wanting a family doesn’t exclude a high work position. I’d like to be a manager one day, but also having 2/3 kids

[Amanda141]

After thoughtful consideration, I decided to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully he contacts me before.. anyway, around 11am/12pm tomorrow I’d send him the following

”hey! I was thinking of you, hope all is good! How was your weekend?”

let’s say he simply replies with “hi, all good thanks and you?”

i’d then reply “all is fine. Let’s do dinner at your place tonight? Something chill without sleepover as on monday we both work  “

 

thoughts ? I dont think its too needy, it’s a follow up

[ccas93]

man, this is a massive whirlwind becoming an F5 level tornado of conflicting opinions and high anxiety, all because this man said he wanted to chill by himself on a friday night. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Amanda.

Stop. 

Stop trying to plot out every single step. When was the last time he asked you to do something? Is it usually you suggesting dates? 

[ShyViolet]

Amanda, you seriously need to learn to control your anxiety and insecurity, or I assure you, you WILL push him away.  And not just him, but future dating prospects as well.  Clingy, insecure attachment is a huge turn-off.  Stop obsessing over when and what to text him.  The guy said that he wants space, so give him that space.  Texting him more will not make him want to be with you more.  Leave him alone, don't bother him, and see if he texts you.  You need to let a guy miss you.  If he does not text you, then you'll have your answer, he has lost interest.

You made plans to take a trip, right?  So leave the man alone and see if he texts you about that trip coming up.  

[ASG]

He didn't say he needed space. He said he needed a weekend evening to himself. 

That evening happened. Tonight he's meeting friends. 

There's 100% nothing wrong with OP texting him on Sunday asking how he is. 

However, @Amanda141, I would put it more as a question, if you want to suggest dinner. Don't invite yourself over to his place.

Just ask something more in the lines of "would you be up for dinner tonight?" and see what he says. 

[Sun Seeker]

Definitely do not message him. He has your number, he knows how to contact you.

I can smell your desperation just from reading this thread, which is not a good thing, a massive turn off in fact.

Let the guy have the weekend to himself, like he wanted. His actions after that, contacting you or not, arranging the next meeting or not, will tell you all you need to know about where you stand. Messaging and bugging him will not.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

After thoughtful consideration, I decided to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully he contacts me before.. anyway, around 11am/12pm tomorrow I’d send him the following

”hey! I was thinking of you, hope all is good! How was your weekend?”

let’s say he simply replies with “hi, all good thanks and you?”

i’d then reply “all is fine. Let’s do dinner at your place tonight? Something chill without sleepover as on monday we both work  “

 

thoughts ? I dont think its too needy, it’s a follow up

Yup, not too needy. Sounds like a good plan.

[Beachead]

@Amanda141

4 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

If he loses interest, the worst thing that can happen to me is that once again I'm lonely. I love my life, nice job, friends and family and I really take care about me (I am a runner and I read everyday, currently studying Spanish to get a certificate ecc. I have many hobbies! The thing is that I never had a long-term boyfriend. Reasons vary, cause I have been travelling a lot for my studies and work (I am from italy but I have lived in 5 different countries), then Corona came. Also, I used to have anxiety issues before exams (I went to therapy for that) and now that University is over I am much more calmer, but I think that anxiety shifted into the dating scene. I spoke to my flatmate about it and he said that like in unviersity sometimes this anxiety would let me focus more on the grader rather than on the learning process, now I am more focused on making sure nothing goes wrong rather than enjoy my relationship with him.

So your lonely.  So what?   You're alive, breathing.  2 working arms.  2 working legs.  A brain to learn new skills.  You've got a chance to build a life for yourself that you never thought possible.   I assume you got atleast one person to talk to.  That's all you need.  Even if you don't, socialize with enough people out in the world, and your bound to meet someone who can be that person in your life.

I should know, I've been single for almost 5 years now.   I used to be a person who'd hate being alone, because I felt lonely.  But after many friendships and relationships going downhill for most my life, I reached a point where I needed to get real with myself. So after going back to school and doing a job here and there, I eventually picked up a dusty camera one day, stepped outside and started taking pictures of birds, insects and flowers and I ended up falling in love with it.  I bought a better camera, a better lens.  I learned and read more on the subjects I was taking pictures of.  I learned about photography and filming.  And because I'm a musician as well, and had a dream of composing music for nature documentaries, I started trying to write music for the pictures I was taking.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I ended up where I ended up.  Despite nearly all my friends and family being married, being broke, and having to change careers in my 30's, I don't have much time to feel lonely because I'm too busy enjoying my life.  It feels right.  I choose it over what I did in the past.   The only thing I stress over now, is how I'm going to make a living doing it..and I think that's a better problem to have, than to stress over what you can't control.

You can't change whether he wants to be with you or not.  All you can do is be the best you you can be and hope that's enough.  If that isn't enough for them, he wasn't meant to be in your life. You don't have to learn how to be okay with something not working out.  It's not about that.  It's about having the right things going on in your life and being surrounded by the right support, such that it just naturally heals you.

Point is, as it turned out, I found out I didn't need a relationship to be happy and I haven't been lonely just because I was alone.  If I can get there, it's possible for others to as well. You too.  You just need someone to talk to and a purpose in your life that gets you doing things you truly love doing.  

You started the thread about this guy but this issue isn't about him.  This is more about you learning to believe in yourself.  Believing that you will be okay.  Your life won't end, if this guy isn't interested.  You met him, you'll be others.  You will persevere.

But nothing is over yet.  Control your anxiety.  Focus on your life.

- Beach

Edited February 12, 2022 by Beachead

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You posted guys don't stick around, this may be why. 

You want this guy to stick around?  Then again contain anxiety, and try to relax. 

^Re-quoted for emphasis. 

Do not text.  Give him time to miss you, wonder about you....

If he's feeling suffocated, which he may be, texting him will not endear you to him, I can almost promise you that.

He knows where to find you Amanda, leave him be. 

 

Edited February 12, 2022 by poppyfields