Guy I'm regularly seeing canceled plans last minute, I am panicking

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I am trying to wait and hear from him cause I know it's the best thing to do, but if I can't resist, what is the best message I could send later tonight/tomorrow morning?

You can resist.  You are not a child.  You are an adult woman capable of reasonable behavior.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Usually we saw each other on a Friday, cause saturday we both see our friends, which is something I'm doing tonight as well, thank God.

How old are you two?

The two of you don't sound serious about being in a relationship if you keep your Saturday nights for friends. 

It's normal to have other plans with family & friends occasionally but ALL his Saturdays for friends? Nah! You're not a gf to him. 

Edited February 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarity

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, ASG said:

At the 2 month mark, I'd likely cancel a date than a night out with friends, if I had to choose! 

He doesn't have to choose. ALL his Saturdays are for his friends.

[ASG]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

How old are you 2?

You 2 don't sound serious about being in a relationship if you keep your Saturday nights for friends. 

It's normal to have other plans with family & friends occasionnally but ALL his Saturdays for friends? Nah! You're not a gf to him. 

Just because you don't do it, it doesn't mean others don't. 

I have several standing arrangements with both friends and family, that I book things around. 

One of those standing arrangements was drinks with friends *every single Friday night*. Not occasional. Every. Single. One. 

Every once in a while more important plans got in the way, but I'd try to book things around this standing arrangement, just like I do for my 3 standing dinner plans. 

[Amanda141]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Amanda, wouid you gave preferred he kept the date even though he was tired, emotionally burned out and/or not 'into it' that particular evening?  I wouldn't have.

Speaking personally, Friday night after a long week or a hard day, I have often not felt "into" having a date with my boyfriend and canceled.

I've had it done to me too.

In a long term relationship, this will happen occasionally.  It's important to be flexible and allow for these types of changes and disappoints without freaking out. 

I agree with you, thanks for you words. If he doesn't reach out by tomorrow AM, what do you suggest doing? Can I ask him if it's all good? Like, this is not a guy I've been causally seeing, we have been together for two months texting every single day and meeting regularly! He even told me I should go to his place with my backpack so I can have all of my things, he agreed on going on a trip with me and was willing to reserve even earlier than Friday, he said we can postpone... but today I feel something is off, maybe he was just tired, but I'd like to know if I can see him again...

@Gaeta I am 24 and he's 28. We are both expats from different countries living in Germany, but it's okay for me to see him on a Friday and see my friends on a Saturday

[ASG]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He doesn't have to choose. ALL his Saturdays are for his friends.

Choose whether to cancel a date on Friday or seeing friends on Saturday. 

I probably would cancel on the date, not on the friends. 

[Gaeta]

So to recapitulate:

After 2 months

* no exclusivity

* profile still up

* his Saturdays are for friends

Amanda: you're investing your time & energy in the wrong man. 

[ASG]

Just now, Gaeta said:

So to recapitulate:

After 2 months

* no exclusivity

* profile still up

* his Saturdays are for friends

Amanda: you're investing your time & energy in the wrong man. 

Her profile is also still up. 

They haven't had the talk. She also has Saturdays for friends. 

What's with the double standard? 

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

So to recapitulate:

After 2 months

* no exclusivity

* profile still up

* his Saturdays are for friends

Amanda: you're investing your time & energy in the wrong man. 

We haven't discussed it but I am 99% sure he wasn't seeing anyone else, and neither I was. for the profile thing, it was inactive and we usually saw each other on Fridays, with sleepover, and Tuesdays and I am fine with that. The thing is now I don't know where I stand

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, ASG said:

Her profile is also still up. 

They haven't had the talk. She also has Saturdays for friends. 

What's with the double standard? 

yeah I agree

So if you were me, what would you do? I know it's better to just wait and wait for him, but if by tomorrow still nothing... what is the best text I could send?

[smackie9]

I get it...he's been responsive, consistent, seeing you/texting you regularly and what?......the weekend just before Valentines Day he wants to drop off the face of the earth. Now for some people, they just can't stand valentines day and don't want to spend the money, etc because it's just too awkward because of expectations. He's probably ducking out, to avoid the whole thing and is a coward to say so. Don't panic yet. Just take things in stride, shrug it off, carry on as per usual. Screw the weekend trip, just suggest your regular Friday night dinner.

Edited February 12, 2022 by smackie9

[ASG]

Just now, Amanda141 said:

yeah I agree

So if you were me, what would you do? I know it's better to just wait and wait for him, but if by tomorrow still nothing... what is the best text I could send?

I would just send a "hey, how's it going? Did you have a nice weekend?" type text. 

 

And yes, I WOULD be sending a text. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, ASG said:

One of those standing arrangements was drinks with friends *every single Friday night*. Not occasional. Every. Single. One. 

Huge difference between devoting you Friday to something, and devoting all of your Saturdays.

My Fridays are to my daughters, we always have a girls sleep over on Fridays. 

When you want to date, Saturdays are date nights. If you don't want a serious relationship sure! Devote your Saturdays to friends but at some points when you want a relationship you'll have, you'll WANT to give your prime time to your girlfriend.

Edited February 12, 2022 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, ASG said:

Her profile is also still up. 

They haven't had the talk. She also has Saturdays for friends. 

What's with the double standard? 

It's not double standards.

Ask Amanda if she'd like exclusivity? If she prefered the profiles were down? And ask her if she'd like a Saturday with him once in a while. 

She goes along with him because she's afraid to assert herself, she's afraid he'll up and leave if she shakes the boat a little.

Edited February 12, 2022 by Gaeta

[Beachead]

@Amanda141

You're succumbing to your anxiety.

The best thing you can do for yourself and this relationship, is to give him the benefit of the doubt (Even if all your alarms are going off) and leave it to him to message you.  If he needs "Me time", the last thing you want to do is blow up his phone with texts, calls, an attempt to make plans or "Checking up" messages because you're not respecting his immediate wishes.  Stuff like that doesn't stem from your care towards him, but your immediate need to soothe your anxiety, which is more of a selfish act..as in, you end up making it about yourself.  Even in a relationship, he won't always be available.  

Are you able to trust that he cares for you and shut your anxiety down and be your own person because you have your own life?   This matters because if you can't do this now, you'll struggle with it later and it'll choke the life out of the relationship.   Don't lose yourself.

I'm not saying this is the case, but if it turns out he's not interested and this was just some excuse to pull away, you're better off without him.  Things happen as they are meant to.  You'll come out of it okay, no matter what.

- Beach

 

Edited February 12, 2022 by Beachead

[Amanda141]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I get it...he's been responsive, consistent, seeing you/texting you regularly and what?......the weekend just before Valentines Day he wants to drop off the face of the earth. Now for some people, they just can't stand valentines day and don't want to spend the money, etc because it's just too awkward because of expectations. He's probably ducking out, to avoid the whole thing and is a coward to say so. Don't panic yet. Just take things in stride, shrug it off, carry on as per usual. Screw the weekend trip, just suggest your regular Friday night dinner.

could be... anyway I never asked him to do something on VDay, I even think he's not the type of guy who celebrates it

@ASG So nothing about "Hey, hope all good  let's do today for dinner?"

[ExpatInItaly]

Amanda, let's say he is losing interest. 

What's the worst thing that could happen to you? 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

we usually saw each other on Fridays, with sleepover, and Tuesdays and I am fine with that. The thing is now I don't know where I stand

Do you go out on dates? Or it's always eat in and sex? 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

yeah I agree

So if you were me, what would you do? I know it's better to just wait and wait for him, but if by tomorrow still nothing... what is the best text I could send?

Do you normally see each other on Sundays or are you following up on his response to "maybe Sunday or early in the week"? Try to relax. maybe he finally wants to do something nice for you on vday rather than the boring Fri night cooking together routine?

[ASG]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's not double standards.

Ask Amanda if she'd like exclusivity? If she prefered the profiles were down? And ask her if she'd like a Saturday with him once in a while. 

She goes along with him because she's afraid to assert herself, she's afraid he'll up and leave if she shake the boat a little.

HER PROFILE IS STILL UP! 

She deleted the app. Maybe he's done the same. 

They haven't had the talk yet. Which I think is fair enough, in 2 months. 

And she's already said she will be bringing up exclusivity on their next date, should it happen. 

She is also devoting her Saturdays to friends. But I'll be honest, I don't see how Saturday is a better night for dating that Friday! 

 

Edited February 12, 2022 by ASG
Removing random word

[ASG]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

could be... anyway I never asked him to do something on VDay, I even think he's not the type of guy who celebrates it

@ASG So nothing about "Hey, hope all good  let's do today for dinner?"

I'd go more vague, but again, I'm not against being assertive.

And also not against asking people out.

And not a believer in waiting for other people to reach out, unless I've done the reaching out too often before and don't seem to get the correct response from it. 

So honestly, do whatever you feel comfortable doing. But don't bombard him. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

So nothing about "Hey, hope all good  let's do today for dinner?"

No. 

He said to postpone to next week the last time you spoke, no? So don't text him this tomorrow. Stop chasing. 

Let him come to you or you are going to make yourself look clingy. 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

could be... anyway I never asked him to do something on VDay, I even think he's not the type of guy who celebrates it.

 

hey if it wasn't discussed in much detail before hand, he's going to be avoidant because he doesn't know what you think. We get threads started all the time about the anxiety caused by this stupid day. It's rather silly but it makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

what is the best text I could send?

Why are you asking this when you go out with friends every Sat night? He knows this so no reason to contact you. Give it time, it's been only a few hours since you last texted. Maybe he'll text Sun am. Try not to catastrophize because one time he was tired and wasn't up for the Fri date.

[Drone]

15 minutes ago, ASG said:

Her profile is also still up.

Not true. OP said she has deleted the app, and re-installed it today to check his profile.

So, only his profile is up.