Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 12 dates in 2 months that's not even 2 dates a week. This guy has 5-6 nights a week for alone time. I'm not saying to confront him. I'm saying don't trust blindly. You both have not established exclusivuty and still have profiles up. Edited February 12, 2022 by Gaeta 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 It was about 2 dates a week, but during christmas time I didn’t see him for two weeks as we went back to our hometown… idk, I think I’ll wait until 7/8 pm today and then ask him for tomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 10 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: idk, I think I’ll wait until 7/8 pm today and then ask him for tomorrow No Do not do that! He cancelled and he should have rescheduled at same time but didn't. Do not chase him down, so not pick up his slack. You want to know what he's made of. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: No Do not do that! He cancelled and he should have rescheduled at same time but didn't. Do not chase him down, so not pick up his slack. You want to know what he's made of. Not even asking if it’s all good? I’m trying to do other things and not think about it, however I just cant help it, I am worried it’s over Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 7 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Not even asking if it’s all good? I’m trying to do other things and not think about it, however I just cant help it, I am worried it’s over It's no big deal if it's over. You dated 2 months only. Put things back in perspective. This man is not going to make you or break you. Also chasing him down is not going to make him want to date you BUT not giving him attention right now may just make him wonder about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 13 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Not even asking if it’s all good? I am worried it’s over Relax. You're panicking and that won't help. He seems to like you a lot and already making plans for a trip, no? You still seem to be pushing for a Disney vday event. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 7 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Not even asking if it’s all good? I’m trying to do other things and not think about it, however I just cant help it, I am worried it’s over This goes against all the advice here, but if he cancelled, chances are he had a bad day. You could reach out with a text saying you're thinking of him and hoping he enjoyed his alone time. Basically, let him know that alone time is allowed (because it should be). Let him respond to that before talking about any plans. It's quite possible that he's feeling overwhelmed by the relationship or by other events in his life. That's what I understand he means by Quote " I always see people on weekend nights, I realise I need some "me time"". If you have it in you to allow him alone time, let him know. He'll likely appreciate it. If you don't, if it makes you feel too insecure or like something isn't right, then the ball is in your court to decide if this guy is right for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 41 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: idk, I think I’ll wait until 7/8 pm today and then ask him for tomorrow I would not. He knows where you are and how to reach you. It would be wise to step back, and observe. See if he gets in touch of his own volition. Otherwise, you won't know if he's in contact because he is genuinely interested, or if he's merely responding to your prompts. You already suggested dropping by his place last night even for just an hour, and he declined. You need to stop, Amanda. Let him show you that he would like to continue seeing you. Don't let fear or painc steer your ship here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 thanks everyone, your advice is deeply appreciated. I acknowledge that I have a constant fear of rejection and need of reassurance. And it's weird because in my life I am a very confident, extrovert person, very secure of my self... it's just in dating life that I basically transform, letting the fear of ruining everything... ruining everything😅 I am trying to think about the good part of this relationship: he talked about me to his friends, was always implying I could spend Friday night at his place, texting everyday (but not in a pushy way, it was just 5-6 messages every evening, just to do some small talk and let the other person know we are there), and he happily accepted the trip with me. Also, I never mentioned VDay to him because I didn't want to put any pressure... Is a message like this better? -> "Ciao! I was thinking of you, hope you had a nice time yesterday! How was your day?" to be sent this evening. And then, based on his answer, I'll see what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 **as I always see people on weekend nights, I realise I need some "me time" "** That makes no sense to me. What's wrong with week nights alone time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 Just now, Gaeta said: **as I always see people on weekend nights, I realise I need some "me time" "** That makes no sense to me. What's wrong with week nights alone time? I think because on normal nights he has to work until 6-7pm and then do chores, cooking ecc, and going to bed early as he works the following day. On the weekend nights' you can be more free and relaxed Also, on fridays he goes to the office and then he has after-work drinks with his colleagues until 7.30/8, so maybe yesterday (a friday) he just preferred to come back home and relax, playing videogames until late ecc. At least this is what I imagine Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 Let him reach out to you. You already asked him if he wants to reschedule, so the ball is in his court. It will be glaringly obvious that any message you send is just a way of prompting him into talking to you. To get a real gauge of what's going on, wait and see if/when he contacts you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Is a message like this better? -> "Ciao! I was thinking of you, hope you had a nice time yesterday! How was your day?" to be sent this evening. And then, based on his answer, I'll see what to do This is an obvious way to get attention and reassurance, etc. It's also a very transparent ploy to see if he's out with someone else. He knows it and you know it. Do not message him. Based on what answer? What if he is so put off by this that he finally gives up and ends it? You can't go a few hours without messaging? He already stated "Sunday or this week is fine". Why police him now? Edited February 12, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 You can’t control whether it’s over or not.But you can control what you do. People with abandonment issues (you) behave in ways that often end relationships. The need for constant reassurance drives people away. He said he wants some alone time. You have to trust that’s all it is unless proven otherwise. Trust is the bedrock of a relationship. But the main thing you have to realize is that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: This is an obvious way to get attention and reassurance, etc. It's also a very transparent ploy to see if he's out with someone else. He knows it and you know it. Do not message him. Based on what answer? What if he is so put off by this that he finally gives up and ends it? You can't go a few hours without messaging? He already stated "Sunday or this week is fine". Why police him now? and what if he doesn't reach out to me today?... Yes, he says it's fine, but we haven't set an exact date yet 😕 I'd love tomorrow ! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 I sometimes take a weekend night to myself. I work a lot during the week and don’t have time after work to unwind and just relax before I need to start preparing for the next day. It’s not “me time.” But the occasional Friday or Saturday night at home, with no plans, and no need to get up early in the morning? Well, that is glorious. That is real “me time” when I can truly recharge. I wouldn’t reach out to him at all. Learn to self-soothe without seeking reassurance from him. He will be in touch if he’s interested enough. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: You can’t control whether it’s over or not.But you can control what you do. People with abandonment issues (you) behave in ways that often end relationships. The need for constant reassurance drives people away. He said he wants some alone time. You have to trust that’s all it is unless proven otherwise. Trust is the bedrock of a relationship. But the main thing you have to realize is that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. your words hurt but are true, can't deny it... it's very hard for me tho ! That's why I have just wrote an email to a psychologist, I want an expert to help me solve these issues... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 3 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: and what if he doesn't reach out to me today?. Then you can assume he isn’t planning to see you tomorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then you can assume he isn’t planning to see you tomorrow. and you think i shouldnt text him neither tomorrow? Link to post Share on other sites
Drone Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, Amanda141 said: we also had arranged for our usual Friday date, when I go to his place, cook and then I stayover. I have been doing it since the beginning of the year, it's like a routine basically. Do not know why nobody reacted to this, but I almost spilled my coffee while reading that for a guy you barely know, you do grocery shopping, you transport the goodies (and yourself) to his place and you cook him dinner. How convenient for him. Man, why are you treating some rondom dude as a husband? He has no such priviliges, but your anxiety to please has turned you into his servant. And to top it all, he's canceling on you last minute. Amanda, you need to take your power back. You are absolutely acting as a homeless puppy, panicking without its master and waiting for him with teary eyes. And your reply to his canceling, excuse me, is cringe-worthy 17 hours ago, Amanda141 said: Me: "Hey, has anything happened? I already bought the ingredients for tonight... if you want I can just pass by an hour to talk, I really wanted to see you" Gosh, Amanda if you hanged your backbone on a hanger, please get it back and behave like a woman with a backbone. Edited February 12, 2022 by Drone 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: I acknowledge that I have a constant fear of rejection and need of reassurance. That's okay, you feel how you feel, we can't control that. What we can control is how we respond to these feelings. If he's feeling suffocated and/or simply needs some lone time which is perfectly ok and understandable, then the LAST thing you should do is reach out asking questions or seeking reassurance. This will NOT move him closer to you, it will push him away. Learn to contain your feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Contain contain contain. Like I suggested earlier, go for a run, do yoga, call a friend. Anyrhing that will keep you from burdening him with YOUR anxiety. I don't say this to be cruel but he's not your therapist, he's your boyfriend. He is allowed to take a night to himself. Another poster said not providing a plausible excuse was disrespectful. So, he should have made something up, something more believable and "respectful"? He's not allowed a night to himself without jumping to he's cheating or being disrespectful? No wonder men have started to "go there own way" (MGTOW). Relationships are not prisons. He has done nothing bad or wrong. He was honest when he told you he needed some "me time," he's an introvert, so that is not unusual. Especially among introverts. He trusted you enough to tell you the truth. Show him you respect HIM, that you're an independent girl who won't fall to pieces because your boyfriend needs a night (or two) to himself. That is how you will keep him moving closer to you and want to commit to you. Asking questions, seeking reassurance, confronting him will do the opposite. It will push him right out the door. That said, IF this becomes a pattern wherein he's canceling dates last minute and needing excessive amounts of lone time and 'space', that's different. But for now, observe his actions. Have faith and trust in your connection and in him and try to relax. Edited February 12, 2022 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 Do you see him on Saturday nights or it's always Fridays? I'm noticing when he cancelled the date you offered the following week and not following day. I see nothing wrong with him needing time alone but cancelling *last minute* on someone who spends money on food for you is pretty incencitive. He could have planned the following night, his Saturday night, as time alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 By "cooking" I meant "cooking together", like we split what to buy and most of the times he was the one buying more to be honest. Usually we saw each other on a Friday, cause saturday we both see our friends, which is something I'm doing tonight as well, thank God. I am trying to wait and hear from him cause I know it's the best thing to do, but if I can't resist, what is the best message I could send later tonight/tomorrow morning? Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Do you see him on Saturday nights or it's always Fridays? I'm noticing when he cancelled the date you offered the following week and not following day. I see nothing wrong with him needing time alone but cancelling *last minute* on someone who spends money on food for you is pretty incencitive. He could have planned the following night, his Saturday night, as time alone. Maybe he had other, different plans, on Saturday night. Like a birthday. Why are we assuming he's a hermit who only sees the OP?! EDIT: OP posted just before I did, and there it is. He has other plans on Saturday. At the 2 month mark, I'd likely cancel a date than a night out with friends, if I had to choose! Edited February 12, 2022 by ASG Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) Amanda, wouid you have preferred he kept the date even though he was tired, emotionally burned out and/or not 'into it' that particular evening? I wouldn't have. Speaking personally, Friday night after a long week or a hard day, I have often not felt "into" having a date with my boyfriend and canceled. I've had it done to me too. In a long term relationship, this will happen occasionally. It's important to be flexible and allow for these types of changes and disappoints without freaking out. Again, if it becomes a pattern, then address it. But it's one night. No Amanda do not send any message. Learn to contain your anxiety. Otherwise you risk losing him. Edited February 12, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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