Amanda141 Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) Hi guys I have been on 12 dates in two months with a guy (the last one was on Tuesday, just 3 days ago) and everything seemed to go well. I had also made a thread a few days ago asking advice for St Valentines day. Although we didnt have "the talk", we pretty much act like BF and GF. When I saw him on Tuesday, we had dinner in a restaurant and I asked him if he wanted to go on a trip to a nearby city the following weekend. He replied enthusiastically, and immediately caught his phone and checked the hotels and trains. He also said that he would ask advice for a nice hotel to some of his friends who already had been to the city and then we could make a reservation. He also acted completely normal, initiating kisses ecc When I came back home, I saw he had just texted me if I made it home safe. So - all good. On Wednesday I text him, all good. Yesterday I just had a strange gut feeling, as he hadn't texted me, but i reached out to him, chatted a bit and wished him our usual "goodnight " to which he replied the exact same. On our Tuesday date we also had arranged for our usual Friday date, when I go to his place, cook and then I stayover. I have been doing it since the beginning of the year, it's like a routine basically. Then, today, PANICK. At 4.15pm he sends me "Hey! I am sorry to tell you this so late, but eventually today I prefer to stay home alone and do my things" Me: "Hey, has anything happened? I already bought the ingredients for tonight... if you want I can just pass by an hour to talk, I really wanted to see you" Him: "No, nothing special. It's only that I want to do my things, as I always see people on weekend nights, I realise I need some "me time" " Me: "Okay, I understand! Shall we do postpone on Sunday or next week?" Him: "Yes, sounds good" ... now a few hours have passed, and I just wished him our usual goodnight, waiting for his answer. What do you think and what I should do??? I am so worried !!!! Everything was going GREAT so I am really clueless. Maybe he just had a bad day but I am freaking out thanks Amanda Edited February 11, 2022 by Amanda141 typo
Author Amanda141 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Posted February 11, 2022 @Ami1uwant what is the reason for his change of mind? What should I do? Sorry I an very insecure in this! :(
ShyViolet Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) All this talk of "panicking" and "freaking out" is really over the top, just too much. There's no reason to "panic" just because the guy you have been dating for 2 months wants some me time. Maybe he feels that you're being too clingy or seeing each other a bit too often for only having been dating for 2 months. Everyone needs some "me time" once in a while. Just calm down and give him a little more space. Leave him wanting more. Being clingy and insecure can be a real turn-off for a lot of people. Edited February 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator tone 1
Author Amanda141 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Posted February 11, 2022 So should I wait for him to text me again and propose a date?
poppyfields Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: So should I wait for him to text me again and propose a date? The fact you asked this question leads me to suspect it's exactly what Shy Violet said. That maybe he feels that you're being too clingy or seeing each other a bit too often for only having been dating for 2 months. He's feeling suffocated. To answer your question, yes you should wait for him to reach out and ask you out. In the meantime, leave him alone, literally. Go do your own thing. To alleviate anxiety, go for a run or try doing Yoga, that always helps me. It's very calming, Yoga literally changed my entire life! Improved my dating life too. I really give him credit for being so honest. Many men would have lied and given you an excuse, like their cousin died or something. So try to relax, have a drink! Call a friend. It will be okay. Edited February 11, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 Well, l will answer as per my personnal experience. For 5 years with my ex he also needed some alone time from time to time. He'd call during the day and say he'd stay home for some alone time l thought nothing of it. I trusted him 100%. I've learn years later his time alone was to meet women. Just saying.... 3 1
Alvi Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 Amanda, sorry to say but this is not good. It is probably the beginning of the end for you with this guy. He is either going to slow fade on you or end thing altogether. Or as Gaeta said, his alone time means he is meeting other women. Don't be surprised if you ever find out that he was talking to another woman instead when he didn't message you yesterday. Why on earth would he cancel last minute on you and not sooner? Makes me wonder if another woman gave him a greenlight to meet today so he went with it. I know, I m a glass half empty kind of person, but but I had bad experiences when my dates or relationships canceled on me just like that last minute. A 100 percent without any doubt they were meeting someone else. Me and my ex were together for almost a year and a half when he would start mysteriously canceling on our sleepovers last minute. That went on for about 4 month. I found out that his mother, who hated me with every fiber in her body, arranged for him to meet someone else. So he started juggling (dating) both of us. Things didn't work out between him and that other woman so he went back to me full time. I am guessing that she wasn't putting up with his crap and very difficult personality the way I was. I never let him know that I knew. Secretly, I was hoping that he would choose me and he did. But we broke off anyway not related to him cheating. You never know, things might not quite work out between him and this new woman so he might come back to you. If you think that he is a prize and still want him that is. Or, maybe like in Gaeta's case, he is not cheating with just one woman but with the multiple ones. 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: So should I wait for him to text me again and propose a date? Sure you can wait and week and see if you are going to hear from him. Don't be surprised if he texts you less or none at all. I would not suggest for you contact you first. In a meantime, keep as busy as possible. 2
Tullyseptember Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 I agree with what is being said, don't panic and don't text him! Give him the space he said he needed to do his thing. I understand it's easier said to say not panic and react. It's just from experience that if I hadn't done these very things maybe I would have not done things or rather experienced bad behavior and valued myself more. Try and relax and focus on anything other than him 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 Someone once gave me a really good advice: in these situations the best thing you can do is the exact opposite of what you want to do. So don't contact him at all. Don't initiate the next date if he contacts you. Don't try to discuss what's wrong. 4
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 15 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: Someone once gave me a really good advice: in these situations the best thing you can do is the exact opposite of what you want to do. So don't contact him at all. Don't initiate the next date if he contacts you. Don't try to discuss what's wrong. If he's cheating then this is heaven to him.
poppyfields Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Eternal Sunshine said: Someone once gave me a really good advice: in these situations the best thing you can do is the exact opposite of what you want to do. So don't contact him at all. Don't initiate the next date if he contacts you. Don't try to discuss what's wrong. Yeah, this might get HIM wondering and questioning YOUR interest, flip the script. It's such a game though, I'm so over that. I actually see nothing wrong with him needing a Friday night to himself. I often did, so did my boyfriends on occasion. I wasn't cheating and neither were they. Also, if he were cheating, I doubt he'd tell her he needs a night to himself at home, Amanda could easily check. He'd lie, like cheaters tend to do. Make up some story that takes him out of the house so she won't check. Something else to consider. It's close to that dreaded 3 month mark, where people (some not all) begin questioning things. There's a slight shift wherein they will push back. The last thing you want to do is start hassling him as to why. Asking questions, seeking reassurance. Leave him be, show him you won't annihilate him, that you're independent and won't suffocate him. I really do think some men are afraid of that. Edited February 12, 2022 by poppyfields
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 I don't think anyone has enough to go on to suggest he is cheating. Best not to leap to conclusions. It's not the end of the world to want a night to himself, OP. There is no need to freak out. Sometimes people just want a little breathing room and maybe he's been feeling a bit crowded lately if you're there every weekend. I sometimes need a night to myself. And I am not cheating on my partner. I would reflect instead on why one night of canceled plans elicits such a strong emotional reaction from you. Dig deep into that anxiety and try to pinpoint where it's coming from. Think about to cope with it when feel it spiking. And yes, wait for him to reach out. See how the next week unfolds. 3
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 Guys thanks for the advice… I know my behaviour seem exaggerated but I really don’t understand this 180 U turn. This is so off, so strange… I have these fears because I had a million dates but never a long term boyfriend, and for once that I almost had it… THIS HAPPENS. It’s something that I want so bad that I’m always afraid something would happen yesterday I was counting the hours to see him, but then… bum, that message. he didn’t even reply to my goodnight, a message that he ALWAYS replies to! i don’t know if he just had a bad day and wants to be left alone, I’ll try to wait for his text… the thing is, I have a very busy life, Just got a promotion at my full-time job, I go to the gym almost every day, I have plenty of friends, I am studying my 3rd language… HOWEVER i just can’t seem to keep a guy with me. i think I’ll go to the psychologist to discuss about this topic, cause I’m reallly tired of the same situation repeating itself.
IrinaM Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 cancelling plans, last minute, for no good reason, and without even the pretense of a good reason, is disrespectful to you. Don't "freak out," though, you don't need this guy. If he doesn't value you, then you value you. Put yourself first, always. Think about whether this man has earned your level of interest and devotion. 4
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 11 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I asked him if he wanted to go on a trip to a nearby city the following weekend. You mean for vday weekend? It's ok if he wants a night off. He already took you out to dinner this week. The last minute cancellation is disappointing, but you don't have to be at his every single Fri night. Relax and try not to suffocate him. Especially with the vday intensity.
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You mean for vday weekend? It's ok if he wants a night off. He already took you out to dinner this week. The last minute cancellation is disappointing, but you don't have to be at his every single Fri night. Relax and try not to suffocate him. Especially with the vday intensity. I asked him to go on a trip for the 19-20 february weekend. He happily accepted! That’s why I’m so confused now. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt… I saw him tuesday, and the other days he went to the office until late, so I can imagine he maybe needed some time for himself. He’s very shy and introverted and prefers staying home rather than do plans. I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible today… Not gonna lie, I’m not at my happiest, but I’m trying to wait. However, if he doesn’t text by 4/5pm today, can I say something? I know it’s for reassurance, but it’s so hard he was never like this, we used to text 50/50, he was telling me sweet words and was very affectionate. If I think that every saturday morning I was with him at his place and now I’m here crying it just makes me wanna cry even more
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 The only hope I have is that, when I asked “shall we postpone it to sunday or next week” he responded well, “Yes, sounds good”, while he could have just be vague or end things with me altogether… anyway if i have see him again I wanna talk about what are we, cause now I need answers
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 Try to relax. Your over the top vday expectations is causing this. You're panicked because not only did the chocolates, roses and fancy dinner you expected not materialize yet but he cancelled on a Friday night. Try not to suffocate him out of anxiety. Relax. Maybe he has something nice planned for Sunday. No don't pester or smother. Step back and let him miss you and come to you. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: If he's cheating then this is heaven to him. If he is cheating, you really can't win. I remember one guy from the dating app that I was seeing for a month or so. Exactly the same scenario, he suddenly tells me that he needs a night to himself and will just stay at home and have an early night. I check his dating app that night, and sure enough he is about 20kms from his home (this was at the time when one of the apps was showing location). So I confront him straight up with a text "looks like you are far away from home...". He calls me a stalker, blocks me everywhere and never speaks to me again. I could have not said anything and he would have likely strung me along a bit longer. Or things could have grown between us in time. I just know that being a "straight-shooter" scared men away and never worked for me. OP, I am not saying your guy is doing the same, could be that he is telling you the truth. Either way, it's best to not freak out and let the time tell you what you need to know. 1
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 We met on Bumble, I have just checked the app and all is good, he hasn’t changed anything since we met. Also, there are is no distance shown, meaning he hasn’t been on the app for a while. I dont think he’s a cheater (but you never know)… i just pray he’ll text me today ..
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: I dont think he’s a cheater. Agree, it's doubtful a cancellation means cheating. However he wanted some downtime so just wait for him to text. Why are you still active on bumble? He can see that, no?
Author Amanda141 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree, it's doubtful a cancellation means cheating. However he wanted some downtime so just wait for him to text. Why are you still active on bumble? He can see that, no? I am not active, I just re-downloaded to see his activity but I haven’t been using it since our 2nd/3rd date cause he told me he was looking for a relationship and I started to like him. Up until yesterday everything was going amazingly, that’s why I’m a bit bummed. I just hope he had a bad day and wanted some time to relax. I really wanna see him tomorrow
bene Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 7 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said: Someone once gave me a really good advice: in these situations the best thing you can do is the exact opposite of what you want to do. So don't contact him at all. Don't initiate the next date if he contacts you. Don't try to discuss what's wrong. This is a wise advice. Breathe. Step back. Observe. I understand that you freak out and want an answer *right now* but there is little you can do about it. Also, this is why I hated early dating
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 You are going to send yourself into cardiac arrest, girl. Deep. Breaths. I think you need to worry less about what he is (or isn't) doing, and more about managing your emotions. This level of distress is concerning, and seems to be triggering something a lot deeper in you that isn't entirely about this particular guy. If you can't handle some uncertainty or grey area, how the heck are you going to handle the bigger problems that relationships endure? 1
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