Runninggirl Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 Quick backstory: we were together for years, he broke up 1,5 years ago, and we've had on and off contact ever since. Mostly me going into no contact, and him reaching out, and always him pulling away before I go no contact again. We've both dated a little unsuccessfully after, but neither of us anything serious. We live in a small town, Im at . His best friend come over to the bar when Im ordering a drink, and after some polite chatting he says "have you talked to *my ex*", I say no, and he says "you should come out and say hello". I do, and talk to them for maybe 30 min before going back to my friends. Its very friendly, not flirty. I think how nice that we can finally get along as friends, and there's no weirdness. Im supposed to stay at a friends house, but I can't find her. I tell my ex on the way out, bu that I have the code to her door so its no problem. He leaves with his friends, and I take a cab to her house. 20 minutes later he texts me and asks if my friend showed up and I said no, but Im home safe. He says "Do you want to sleep here?". I knew it was stupid, but I said yes anyway. He was staying at his parents house, so he said his whole family was home including visiting siblings. I thought it was weird he invited me with everyone home, because then they would see me and ask questions the next day. I realized that coming for that bootycall was like giving him the green light for how he has treated me during and after the break up. But I was cold, lonely and curious. I was surprised that it wasn't any weirdness. The second I laid in bed next to him, he grabbed me to hold me and spoon me. We talked about random for a while. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back he pulled me closer and kissed me. He was caressing me, but not in a very sexual way. I expected sex, so I initiated a little more foreplay, and he played along. He then stopped us and said we couldn't do anything because his parents would hear it. He started spooning, kissing me, and it was like we never broke up. He acted like nothing ever happened. I was very confused, because I 100% thought he hadn't had sex in a while, and wanted to use me. We stopped and started several times, mostly him stopping and me starting, before eventually he caved and had sex with me. He stopped after only a few minutes again bc of his parents, and then he also said "this isn't a very good idea" referring to us. Eventually we ended up having full sex in the morning, again on my initiative. Im very confused why he would invite me if he didnt think we would have sex. Initially I thought it was sooo stupid of me, but somehow I feel more relief than I have in a long time. It feels sort of like closure? We have texted a bit after, but he doesn't seem more or less interested, just the same as before. He initiates a little, and always replies, but seem distant. Not sure if I want the contact, or just go back into nc. I want him to remember me as someone he has some respect for, and Im afraid that by sleeping with him I sold myself short after everything that has happened. Im confused why he would "bootycall" me, if he doesn't want me or sex really. And Im confused by my reaction to this. Am I some backup he used to just have someone to sleep next to? And isn't it strange that he didn't care if his folks would see me in the morning. Why, and what now? All input welcome
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Am I some backup he used to just have someone to sleep next to? It sounds like it, unfortunately. 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: And isn't it strange that he didn't care if his folks would see me in the morning Some people really just don't care. Apaprently he's one of them. It appears this was just one night of fun, OP. He enjoyed your company and physical intimacy in the moment but he doesn't seem to want more than that. It strikes me as one of those times when it was just about sex without any emotional significance for him. For your own well-being, I would stop reaching out to him. It will sting too much to stay in touch.
glows Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Runninggirl said: We have texted a bit after, but he doesn't seem more or less interested, just the same as before. He initiates a little, and always replies, but seem distant. Not sure if I want the contact, or just go back into nc. I want him to remember me as someone he has some respect for, and Im afraid that by sleeping with him I sold myself short after everything that has happened. Im confused why he would "bootycall" me, if he doesn't want me or sex really. And Im confused by my reaction to this. Am I some backup he used to just have someone to sleep next to? And isn't it strange that he didn't care if his folks would see me in the morning. Why, and what now? It's anyone's guess. From the sounds of it it was a spur of the moment, whimsical idea to have you over. He likely thought it up, blurted it out and you agreed. It was spontaneous and in the moment. It doesn't sound like he gave it much thought. I wouldn't worry about respect at this point from him. Respect yourself and do what's best for you. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you want out of this because if it's a relationship or someone who cares deeply for you, this man is not the man. Personally, I wouldn't respond to any meaningless texts or bootycalls with an ex. Once that door is closed, it's firmly closed. I know what we shared was tangible and real and I'm willing to shut the door on that if it no longer helps or serves either of us. Be willing to shut that door without any other preamble. The relationship is over so it's best to treat it that way. I think you might benefit from exploring why you need closure at all in the form of further interaction with this man. This seems to be an issue you're struggling quite a lot. Edited February 11, 2022 by glows
stillafool Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Im confused why he would "bootycall" me, if he doesn't want me or sex really. Could be he is seeing someone else and they had a fall out so he decided to contact you for a booty call but when in it decided against the sex and just went for kisses and cuddles. With morning wood it was hard to say no with a woman right there in the bed. Edited February 12, 2022 by stillafool
Author Runninggirl Posted February 12, 2022 Author Posted February 12, 2022 9 hours ago, stillafool said: Could be he is seeing someone else and they had a fall out so he decided to contact you for a booty call but when in it decided against the sex and just went for kisses and cuddles. With morning wood it was hard to say no with a woman right there in the bed. Someone else would make sense. Im very confused. He stopped contacting me now, maybe he just needed confirmation that he was over it or something, in order to move on with someone else. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 Try to move forward and start dating again. That way hooking up with the ex out of loneliness or boredom is not that tempting. Be busy. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 3 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Someone else would make sense. Im very confused. He stopped contacting me now, maybe he just needed confirmation that he was over it or something, in order to move on with someone else. I think he just saw an opportunity for some convenient affection, and took it. 1
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