Ignored my request for her number and continued conversation. Still ask her out or what do I do?

[max3732]

Been chatting with this woman I met on a dating app for a few days and I really like her profile and we've been having a fun conversation. I was planning on asking her out and wanted to get her number. So I asked for her number and she responded to my question just before that, but didn't say anything about getting her number.

So now what? Just continue talking on the app? Go directly to asking her out on the app? She also updated her profile with more things we have in common so there are a lot of conversation ideas along with what we've been talking about, but I'd rather meet her in person or at least get her off the app. She just signed up for it and is beautiful so I'm also afraid of getting lost in a sea of messages.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Go directly to asking her out on the app? 

Yes. Collecting numbers is a fool's errand. Woman may not want give out numbers to random strangers for a variety of reasons.

Just message and suggest meeting at a mutually convent place, time, day.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alvi]

She is uncomfortable giving out her phone number for some reason. Can't say I blame her with all the "strange" encounters that I've experienced with the on-line dating.

The whole point of any on-line dating platform is to meet as soon as possible. What is the point of the prolonging chit chat? I don't find texting or talking on the phone that useful. Very often people get shy on the phone and give out the wrong impression. A 20 minutes first meet is going to tell you a lot more about a person than a month of texting and phone calls. The same with the video chats. What is the point putting so much time and energy into that? Go meet for real in person instead.

Ask her to meet as soon as possible for a cup of coffee or some activity. 

Ask her when she is free to meet and then come up with the day, time and place. If she ignores your request to meet, then don'[t pester her anymore.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Alvi

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Been chatting with this woman I met on a dating app for a few days and I really like her profile and we've been having a fun conversation. I was planning on asking her out and wanted to get her number. So I asked for her number and she responded to my question just before that, but didn't say anything about getting her number.

 

I'd move on, that's just me.   I prefer to make the fewest assumptions, I just think she's not very interested in you.

Making more assumptions that she sees you as a threat to her safety, I'd move on even more quickly.  I've never had this issue of someone not giving me their number if we're going out on a date.  Maybe I just look non-threatening. 

I would not date someone that has put me in the class of potential stalker, that's offensive. On the one hand they're saying that this person is worth getting to know better, but I don't trust them with a basic thing like a phone number.  Those ideas are in conflict.

I know people have had traumatic experiences with stalkers and don't want to make light of that but select better potential dates, or go to therapy to work through that negative experience you had.  Assuming everyone is a potential stalker just doesn't seem compatible with enjoyable dating.  The higher the walls someone puts up, the tougher it is to establish a meaningful connection.  That's her stuff to handle, it's not your obligation to assume that she didn't give it to you due to past trauma or whatever, unless she choose to divluge that information.  If it is due to her trauma, she should deal with that, that's what adults do.

I want to date people that invest, are interested in making a date happen ASAP and are emotionally healthy.  It's perfectly normal for someone that you're dating to give out their phone number.  If she can't even give you her phone number, how long do you think it will take for her to trust you enough to begin a relationship?  You have to decide if she's worth it.

Edited February 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Been chatting with this woman I met on a dating app for a few days and I really like her profile and we've been having a fun conversation. I was planning on asking her out and wanted to get her number. So I asked for her number and she responded to my question just before that, but didn't say anything about getting her number.

So now what? Just continue talking on the app? Go directly to asking her out on the app? She also updated her profile with more things we have in common so there are a lot of conversation ideas along with what we've been talking about, but I'd rather meet her in person or at least get her off the app. She just signed up for it and is beautiful so I'm also afraid of getting lost in a sea of messages.

Ask her out on a date. Say "Hey I would like to get to know you better, how about we meet up for a coffee?"

Edited February 11, 2022 by smackie9

[Tullyseptember]

I think you could ask her to meet for a walk or coffee to see what her response is.  If she is vague with plans it probably would be best to move on.  Unfortunately with dating apps, there is a sea of people and it is hard to judge sometimes who best to engage with.  Although on the other hand she may just be overwhelmed with the responses she is receiving and is processing it all at this point!

[Maldives]

Skip the no. and ask her out via the dating app

[max3732]

To follow up I did ask her out and she said she'd like to do a video chat first so we're going to do one tomorrow. What do you do in a video chat vs. a 1st date? How long should it be? Should I dress up or wear something like a polo shirt? 

Aside from talking about our hobbies and education, which is what we've been connecting on so far, should I ask about what she's looking for in a guy or anything like that? I don't know why but I'm so nervous.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

To follow up I did ask her out and she said she'd like to do a video chat first so we're going to do one tomorrow. What do you do in a video chat vs. a 1st date? How long should it be? Should I dress up or wear something like a polo shirt? 

Aside from talking about our hobbies and education, which is what we've been connecting on so far, should I ask about what she's looking for in a guy or anything like that? I don't know why but I'm so nervous.

You're nervous because you're putting too much emotional investment into this person before you've even dated her.  A video chat is not much of a time investment, she doesn't even have to leave her couch.  Think about that when you consider how seriously she's taking this.  She doesn't view this as some big deal so you should not either.

A nice polo shirt would be fine to wear IMO.  Other than that I would not going into this with any type of plan, other than to *not* talk about relationship-type of stuff.  Get out of your head and just ask her questions, get her talking about herself.

Edited February 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

should I ask about what she's looking for in a guy or anything like that?

Relax and wear something neat/casual. Make sure the background is ok. It's a good sign she wants to videochat. Follow her lead, don't talk too much or not enough.

[glows]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

To follow up I did ask her out and she said she'd like to do a video chat first so we're going to do one tomorrow. What do you do in a video chat vs. a 1st date? How long should it be? Should I dress up or wear something like a polo shirt? 

Aside from talking about our hobbies and education, which is what we've been connecting on so far, should I ask about what she's looking for in a guy or anything like that? I don't know why but I'm so nervous.

Take a deep breath and be yourself. It’s not uncommon to feel jitters. The video call can go on as long as you’d like it to, same like any meet up. It’s best to keep it within an hour. 

Don’t ask anything too intrusive or awkward/personal. It’s just a video call and an opportunity to see whether there’s potential to meet in person. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

To follow up I did ask her out and she said she'd like to do a video chat first so we're going to do one tomorrow. What do you do in a video chat vs. a 1st date? How long should it be? Should I dress up or wear something like a polo shirt? 

Aside from talking about our hobbies and education, which is what we've been connecting on so far, should I ask about what she's looking for in a guy or anything like that? I don't know why but I'm so nervous.

Just wear a suit…your birthday suit…….

 

be relaxed and be yourself.

[max3732]

On 2/12/2022 at 2:10 PM, dramafreezone said:

You're nervous because you're putting too much emotional investment into this person before you've even dated her.  A video chat is not much of a time investment, she doesn't even have to leave her couch.  Think about that when you consider how seriously she's taking this.  She doesn't view this as some big deal so you should not either.

A nice polo shirt would be fine to wear IMO.  Other than that I would not going into this with any type of plan, other than to *not* talk about relationship-type of stuff.  Get out of your head and just ask her questions, get her talking about herself.

Yep. I got way too invested in someone I hadn't met yet. She said she wanted to do the video chat today. I suggested a time never heard back. Just checked and she unmatched me.

Very frustrating. I guess I still need to find the right balance between being too emotionally invested and excited and a robot.

[chillii]

She unmatched ya , bloody hell. Frusssssstrating.

[max3732]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

She unmatched ya , bloody hell. Frusssssstrating.

Extremely!

I don't understand why you'd match with someone, have a conversation over a few days, say you'd like to do a video chat before meeting on Sunday then unmatch the guy when he suggests a time. If she's not interested just let me know. Why say she'd be open to a date in person but she'd like to do a video chat first? If it was my looks or something I said you'd think she'd unmatch before agreeing to the video chat and suggesting a day.

On this Valentine's day especially I find this whole thing so frustrating. I really thought she'd be a great match. I'm so frustrated

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, max3732 said:

Yep. I got way too invested in someone I hadn't met yet. She said she wanted to do the video chat today. I suggested a time never heard back. Just checked and she unmatched me.

Very frustrating. I guess I still need to find the right balance between being too emotionally invested and excited and a robot.

Sorry man.  A video chat is not an investment, it doesn't even require her to shower or anything.  Someone willing to give you her number, talk, plan time, get dressed, drive, spend at least an hour at the venue, much more of an investment.

If someone doesn't even want to give you their number, that's tells you pretty much what you need to know about how much they're putting into this.  Finding a true match requires vulnerability from both people.  Just keep looking.  You didn't have a chance with her because she didn't give it a chance.  Why didn't she give it a chance?  Who knows, you'd drive yourself mad trying to figure it out and only she knows, so don't waste any time thinking about it anymore, easier said than done though I know.

Edited February 14, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

Sorry about that Max. When a woman updates her profile while talking to you, she's not really interested in meeting you. 

Go to next! 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Gaeta

[chillii]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

Extremely!

I don't understand why you'd match with someone, have a conversation over a few days, say you'd like to do a video chat before meeting on Sunday then unmatch the guy when he suggests a time. If she's not interested just let me know. Why say she'd be open to a date in person but she'd like to do a video chat first? If it was my looks or something I said you'd think she'd unmatch before agreeing to the video chat and suggesting a day.

On this Valentine's day especially I find this whole thing so frustrating. I really thought she'd be a great match. I'm so frustrated

 

Yeah, l could well imagine. lf l've got the right person you have seemed to be at least meeting quite a few women though so that's a good sign. lt's so much about meeting just that one person and sooner or later hopefully one of them turn out to be her. In all honesty though this one was sounding there was some hold back there on her part, The online thing in general does seem to put everyone else through the mill to though and sounds like a very yeah , frustrating thing. You are talking to women though and meeting some so in ways it is working for you but yeah as you know you'll get a lot of that stuff along the way too. Maybe shut it down for a few mths when it gets too much , walk away live life take a break.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 14, 2022 by chillii

[glows]

19 hours ago, max3732 said:

Extremely!

I don't understand why you'd match with someone, have a conversation over a few days, say you'd like to do a video chat before meeting on Sunday then unmatch the guy when he suggests a time. If she's not interested just let me know. Why say she'd be open to a date in person but she'd like to do a video chat first? If it was my looks or something I said you'd think she'd unmatch before agreeing to the video chat and suggesting a day.

On this Valentine's day especially I find this whole thing so frustrating. I really thought she'd be a great match. I'm so frustrated

Are you feeling frustrated due to pressure you’re putting on yourself just because it was Valentine’s Day? Let go of that pressure. 

I agree with you that it’s misleading and unnecessary to lead someone on about a video call. I’ve never done that. If I cancelled anything and there was one meet up I cancelled due to strange vibes I was getting from the man, then decline politely or mention you can’t make it to the meet up or video call as in your case. It’s much better to cancel and decline with some grace than just block or unmatch someone. In some cases if the person is behaving very strangely, I think a block and delete is fine. If you’re giving off the vibe that you are a man who can’t take no for an answer or are aggressive in pursuing a situation, there’s a higher likelihood you’ll be blocked without discussion. 

Keep your chin up and continue chatting with new people.

[max3732]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Are you feeling frustrated due to pressure you’re putting on yourself just because it was Valentine’s Day? Let go of that pressure. 

I agree with you that it’s misleading and unnecessary to lead someone on about a video call. I’ve never done that. If I cancelled anything and there was one meet up I cancelled due to strange vibes I was getting from the man, then decline politely or mention you can’t make it to the meet up or video call as in your case. It’s much better to cancel and decline with some grace than just block or unmatch someone. In some cases if the person is behaving very strangely, I think a block and delete is fine. If you’re giving off the vibe that you are a man who can’t take no for an answer or are aggressive in pursuing a situation, there’s a higher likelihood you’ll be blocked without discussion. 

Keep your chin up and continue chatting with new people.

Frustrated for both reasons

All my friends are married and I'm constantly having people ask me when I'm going to get married or why I haven't yet. My doctor, people I work with, random acquaintances. Like it's something you can just do. My parents are also wondering if they will ever have grandchildren. 

Besides that external pressure I'd just really like to have someone special to spend time with and raise a family. It's been literally decades I've been try and failing. Part of the issue is most of the women I meet aren't what I'm looking for. When I do find someone (like this one I tried to setup a date with) I get excited and a bit nervous. 

All I want is someone who aligns with my basic values (which should be the majority of people in my state) and is a wholesome, kind person who is also attractive who has some interests. I don't want someone with purple hair, with nose piercings, tattoos all over, who smokes, does drugs, etc. Also don't want someone with kids or who doesn't want kids or someone only in town for a few days. Yet that seems to be the majority of people on these dating sites. As I get older I'm going to have to find someone younger than me to even have kids. 

 

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I don't want someone with purple hair, with nose piercings, tattoos all over, who smokes, does drugs, etc. Also don't want someone with kids or who doesn't want kids or someone only in town for a few days. Yet that seems to be the majority of people on these dating sites. As I get older I'm going to have to find someone younger than me to even have kids. 

What dating sites are you on?  You don't have to answer to us, but that may be the reason (or one reason) why you're meeting such people.

I am currently OLDing and on a very high end paid dating site with quality people.  It's not one of the usual ones.  

Sure I get my share of low classers who send me "inappropriate" messages but for the most part, the men have been respectful and kind.  

They're not for me because I am looking for something unique and special based on things most people don't consider, however one man stood out, we chatted for a while and I met him in person Sunday and we totally clicked.  Have our second meet/date on Wednesday.

So it can happen.  Do some research and change sites.  If you have to pay, so be.

No it's not easy, it requires resilience and perseverance.

This one didn't end up being a match but keep going!

Try and keep your energy positive!    

[glows]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Frustrated for both reasons

All my friends are married and I'm constantly having people ask me when I'm going to get married or why I haven't yet. My doctor, people I work with, random acquaintances. Like it's something you can just do. My parents are also wondering if they will ever have grandchildren. 

Besides that external pressure I'd just really like to have someone special to spend time with and raise a family. It's been literally decades I've been try and failing. Part of the issue is most of the women I meet aren't what I'm looking for. When I do find someone (like this one I tried to setup a date with) I get excited and a bit nervous. 

All I want is someone who aligns with my basic values (which should be the majority of people in my state) and is a wholesome, kind person who is also attractive who has some interests. I don't want someone with purple hair, with nose piercings, tattoos all over, who smokes, does drugs, etc. Also don't want someone with kids or who doesn't want kids or someone only in town for a few days. Yet that seems to be the majority of people on these dating sites. As I get older I'm going to have to find someone younger than me to even have kids. 

 

You're going to have to measure up and be the kind of person you're looking for also in order to attract similar. Depending on your age you may just not be as competitive as other individuals in your age bracket or phase of life. Naturally if you have a narrow scope of what appeals to you or what attracts you, it will be more challenging appealing to those same narrow group of individuals and, equally, less chances you'll find someone also attractive as you've been noticing. 

Be patient and stay positive. Any negativity also drives people away. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by glows

[balletomane]

If I remember right, you're in your early 40s. I know this has been brought up before, but I honestly think you'd have far more options if you weren't set on finding a woman with no kids. There are many family-oriented women in their 30s who have kids from a first marriage that for whatever reason didn't work out, and if you refuse to consider them, your dating pool shrinks dramatically.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, max3732 said:

I don't want someone with purple hair, with nose piercings, tattoos all over, who smokes, does drugs, etc. Also don't want someone with kids or who doesn't want kids or someone only in town for a few days. 

You can rule most of this out from the profile and meeting up for a brief low-key coffee. 

Try to resist the pressure to start a family. Or too much pressure in general. It could come across as desperate.

For example there's no need to ask for phone numbers when more and more of the smarter women are advised not to hand that out to strangers off the internet.

Screen well, send messages to those that appeal to you and set up a meeting with those that respond.

The key in OLD is preventing burnout by avoiding wild goose chases.

[max3732]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What dating sites are you on?  You don't have to answer to us, but that may be the reason (or one reason) why you're meeting such people.

I am currently OLDing and on a very high end paid dating site with quality people.  It's not one of the usual ones.  

Sure I get my share of low classers who send me "inappropriate" messages but for the most part, the men have been respectful and kind.  

They're not for me because I am looking for something unique and special based on things most people don't consider, however one man stood out, we chatted for a while and I met him in person Sunday and we totally clicked.  Have our second meet/date on Wednesday.

So it can happen.  Do some research and change sites.  If you have to pay, so be.

No it's not easy, it requires resilience and perseverance.

This one didn't end up being a match but keep going!

Try and keep your energy positive!    

The one that has the kinds of profiles I mentioned was on Hinge and Bumble. I had paid for Match before and my subscription expired after a year in December and I'm tempted to try it again, but I don't know if there are any new people. I'm also in the League and paid for a month premium membership, which was pretty expensive and have chatted with a few people there but it seems very competitive. A lot of the women I like have 20+ other men who have liked them. So actually getting to meet or talk to someone is very difficult.

I'm going to keep trying. Every morning I go through Bumble and Hinge as I'm getting ready and every evening I go through the League matches. 

As another example I matched with this woman on Hinge and asked what she thought of this place she visited in her profile picture. She matched with me but didn't reply. So I sent another message about one her prompts and nothing. She lives like 5 minutes from me, which is tough to find so I wish I could just talk to her in person for 5 minutes. 

I'm trying to stay positive and obviously don't mention my frustration to potential matches

17 hours ago, glows said:

You're going to have to measure up and be the kind of person you're looking for also in order to attract similar. Depending on your age you may just not be as competitive as other individuals in your age bracket or phase of life. Naturally if you have a narrow scope of what appeals to you or what attracts you, it will be more challenging appealing to those same narrow group of individuals and, equally, less chances you'll find someone also attractive as you've been noticing. 

Be patient and stay positive. Any negativity also drives people away. 

What appeals to me I think is in the minority in my area. Seems like I can get several of the attributes I want in someone but not all of them. I don't know what else I can do be more competitive. I run my own business, have a graduate degree, very close with my family, athletic and work out, well traveled, etc. When I was in grad school it was very easy for me to meet my female classmates since I was around them all the time and had a girlfriend there and heard there were other women that liked me. That was over 10 years ago though and since I'm not around women except for the dating apps I think I get more nervous than I used to. Other than that I don't know what else to do.

17 hours ago, balletomane said:

If I remember right, you're in your early 40s. I know this has been brought up before, but I honestly think you'd have far more options if you weren't set on finding a woman with no kids. There are many family-oriented women in their 30s who have kids from a first marriage that for whatever reason didn't work out, and if you refuse to consider them, your dating pool shrinks dramatically.

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can rule most of this out from the profile and meeting up for a brief low-key coffee. 

Try to resist the pressure to start a family. Or too much pressure in general. It could come across as desperate.

For example there's no need to ask for phone numbers when more and more of the smarter women are advised not to hand that out to strangers off the internet.

Screen well, send messages to those that appeal to you and set up a meeting with those that respond.

The key in OLD is preventing burnout by avoiding wild goose chases.

You mentioned that women are advised to not hand out their phone numbers. What about asking to talk using the phone function on the app? I'm just so tired of sending these messages.